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So you think I should keep sending cards and checks, even though he puts them unopened in an envelope and sends them back, or gives them to his brother (who I see weekly) to give back to me unopened? It just upsets me--it's like a gut punch every time it happens. Does your daughter cash the checks you send her?
Not cashing it's one thing, sending it back is a deliberate slap in the face.BTW, he accepted money to help pay for college, his wedding, the rehearsal dinner and a cash wedding gift.Lived home until age 27. Got married,and I was told I ruined his wedding (no I didn't get drunk and dance on the tables or create any kind of a scene. In fact, the wedding went fine.) We were out, her family was in. Siiiiiiggggghhhhhhhh.......
Is this son's gripe directly toward you, or toward his family in general? Do you know what he thinks you "did" in order to deserve (in his mind) his rejection of you?
Any update? How did the meeting with your mom go? Did she overstep the boundaries?
It's funny you should ask because I was going to proactively post. It is going good. I just have to remind myself, even if my wife and I think it's a bad decision, it's her money. And she asks about our lives, but no longer gives us "advice" on how to better our marriage.
I am going to take the good advice some nice folks gave me on CD months ago and have a truly objective person appointened POA so I can just enjoy my time with my Mom and not have to deal with her financial challenges or med compliance.
Last night I thought to myself that I've had enough of being dangled on the end of a string like my son's cat toy. Enough! I gave up my expectations to outcomes, the future is unsettling for everyone not just for me. I changed my thinking because it's all I have the power to change. I went to bed grateful for my health and the love of a good husband, and I prayed (I'm not religious) for help in keeping my thoughts filled with gratitude and light. Hokey as it sounds, I slept for 7 hours, deeper than I've slept in a long time.
Is this son's gripe directly toward you, or toward his family in general? Do you know what he thinks you "did" in order to deserve (in his mind) his rejection of you?
Towards a lot of things but centered.on me because I (in his opinion) was the center of control--I'm trying to figure this out as I go. He never had true grandparents: true the inlaws were a nasty piece of work and my Mom moved to Florida 42 years ago. His father hasn't been the warm, buddy type father he wanted,my fault for marrying and staying married. I favored my ddaughters over my sons. I beat themeveryday. (according to him)Both the boys have Tourette syndrome and the stress level here was through the roof.we did family counseling and I was involved at the school level to get the help and support we all needed. privately and in person he never told
the therapists and I was not "fingered" as the bad mother. And he resents his sisters who have been good to their brothers.I've decided to follow the wise advice gotten here for my own sanity and that of the rest of my family.our relationships with our other 3 children are "normal" and we have 4 beautiful grandchildren.I will follow curmudgeons advice and will also pray for all of us .I do love my son but focusing on this has not been good for me or the rest of my kids.he has refused to try to resolve his grievances with a one on one conversation.And no he wasn't beaten every day, and his father was not "Mr. Rogers" but works hard, has always put the family first and is home every night.Ah I'm through thanks for listening eveyone.
Much encouragement taken here by these posts. Estrangement, if it is a "silent epidemic", would be one that I was totally ignorant of until two hears ago. I really had no idea it was so wide-spread in our society. Why? A past boss of mine who was much younger than I once told me about the lousy relationship he has with his father. His response was "I can either choose to have him in my life, or I can choose to not have him in my life. It's all my choice". I was stunned to hear this at the time. This notion would never have been voiced in my "boomer" generation. Family bonds were the glue that held us together. The unoffical divorce of estrangement was unheard of, at least in my family. Recently things have changed for my wife an me. Unfortunately, my youngest daughter is of the next generation who has chosen to "not have us in her life". What is so baffling is that we have NO idea why. She just came to the conclusion that her marriage and family with one child would be better off without us. So we are coming to grips with a death in the family with no grave to mourn at; no sense of validation that we did a good job as parents, and that some tragedy took her away from us, rather than us being the cause; etc etc. But life moves on. I hope I can someday get over this.
bendoggie6
Much encouragement taken here by these posts. Estrangement, if it is a "silent epidemic", would be one that I was totally ignorant of until two hears ago. I really had no idea it was so wide-spread in our society. Why? A past boss of mine who was much younger than I once told me about the lousy relationship he has with his father. His response was "I can either choose to have him in my life, or I can choose to not have him in my life. It's all my choice". I was stunned to hear this at the time. This notion would never have been voiced in my "boomer" generation. Family bonds were the glue that held us together. The unoffical divorce of estrangement was unheard of, at least in my family. Recently things have changed for my wife an me. Unfortunately, my youngest daughter is of the next generation who has chosen to "not have us in her life". What is so baffling is that we have NO idea why. She just came to the conclusion that her marriage and family with one child would be better off without us. So we are coming to grips with a death in the family with no grave to mourn at; no sense of validation that we did a good job as parents, and that some tragedy took her away from us, rather than us being the cause; etc etc. But life moves on. I hope I can someday get over this.
bendoggie6
Bendoggie, first I am sorry for your situation with daughter. Are you saying she has a terminal illness?
Perceptions of others toward us can be so strange. We might have said something in passing that someone else took on a much more serious level, and we will never know what that was unless the offended person tells us. Some people can "go off on us" due to an unhealthy state of mind or being on meds. My sister, with whom I'm generally close, did that out of the blue twice this past summer and I have absolutely no idea where it came from though I know she's on a bunch of meds. It's either that, or a need for a power play.
As Curmudgeon has said, express your unconditional love toward your daughter even if she does not respond. It's in the giving, not the receiving back, that you will gain a sense of peace. Sometimes we're just at a complete loss as to how to figure other peoples' states of mind.
Last night I thought to myself that I've had enough of being dangled on the end of a string like my son's cat toy. Enough! I gave up my expectations to outcomes, the future is unsettling for everyone not just for me. I changed my thinking because it's all I have the power to change. I went to bed grateful for my health and the love of a good husband, and I prayed (I'm not religious) for help in keeping my thoughts filled with gratitude and light. Hokey as it sounds, I slept for 7 hours, deeper than I've slept in a long time.
So you think I should keep sending cards and checks, even though he puts them unopened in an envelope and sends them back, or gives them to his brother (who I see weekly) to give back to me unopened? It just upsets me--it's like a gut punch every time it happens. Does your daughter cash the checks you send her?
Not cashing it's one thing, sending it back is a deliberate slap in the face.BTW, he accepted money to help pay for college, his wedding, the rehearsal dinner and a cash wedding gift.Lived home until age 27. Got married,and I was told I ruined his wedding (no I didn't get drunk and dance on the tables or create any kind of a scene. In fact, the wedding went fine.) We were out, her family was in. Siiiiiiggggghhhhhhhh.......
I wouldn't send checks, just a nice card with a nice message signed love. That is your loving gesture. It is not your business or fault if he does not accept. We can and should give but we can never be guaranteed a good receiver.
The other thing you can do as a loving gesture is send him a card that says you donated $ to a charity like a dog shelter in his name. He may not give a hoot, but the money will be well used for dear homeless animals and you know you did a double deed that way. (Another idea is that there is a great program that pairs injured servicemen/women with trained dogs and they do really need support...I hope to do this.)
Receiving a card that says money was donated in my name to a dog shelter charity would alienate me and turn me off a lot.
Not everyone is on the band wagon or interested in the fad of giving to dog shelter organizations (or the fad of volunteering at dog shelter orgs)
I do not say this in a harsh way - just that it cannot be assumed that everyone on earth is interested in dogs, dog shelters, and dog shelter organizations. Trained dogs for injured servicemen or the blind is an exception and of interest.
Receiving a card that says money was donated in my name to a dog shelter charity would alienate me and turn me off a lot.
Not everyone is on the band wagon or interested in the fad of giving to dog shelter organizations (or the fad of volunteering at dog shelter orgs)
I do not say this in a harsh way - just that it cannot be assumed that everyone on earth is interested in dogs, dog shelters, and dog shelter organizations. Trained dogs for injured servicemen or the blind is an exception and of interest.
I used dog shelter as an example. The recipient of the card/gift probably has some known favorite charity. Why not have that money that is generously given and rejected put to some constructive use? It also sends a pretty clear message to the recipient that the sender knows all about how it's going to be rejected, and is giving the gift in his or her name as a way of remembering a birthday, etc. Anyway, that's what I'd do in that situation.
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