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A couple of thoughts: I always told my sons"Put your wife first". This bit me in the a** when mentally ill wife (they lived with us) took offense when I told her not to smoke pot in my house, took my granddaughter and left, telling the world I had thrown her and the baby out. (son was at work) To keep his marriage intact, he went along----less than a year later, she took off, leaving him with a 3 year old and a 5 month old. He showed up on my doorstep, we took him in, they divorced. When I asked him why he took her side, you guessed it, he was just trying to take my advice.We get along well now, although he sees his twin, who has rejected his parents and sisters. I just leave that alone.
Also, someone said "SOMEthing happened to cause estrangement"in our families. At first I read this as: "You're not revealing the violence, drugs, etc that occurred in your family."
Then I thought, yes, something did happen-------and the issue is the interpretation by the estranged child. Or how it affected them. One child nurses a grudge about not having expensive designer clothes. The other one didn't care if she wore paper bags. One child takes responsibility for a life error---the other claims because I talked about not being promiscuous, I caused it to happen. Parenting errors I made are viewed by 3 from the standpoint of adults who are able to see "the big picture". One refuses to. I know my goal was always to be a good mother, and that's where my efforts were directed. And it was a bumpy road.
But as another poster said, I also have a good 20 years ahead of me and I intend to enjoy them, and enjoy my 3 children and 4 grandchildren.
Sorry for rambling.
.... The ending to that last chapter will be the fact that she receives equal treatment in our wills and that won't change [excerpt, not full quote].
Thank you for sharing this.
I agree with Escort Rider's comment. In the context of the depth of emotional pain many people have shared on this thread, the generosity of spirit of this gesture almost takes my breath away in how simple yet pitch perfect and potentially healing it is.
Curmudgeon, I think what is so powerful about your saying that your daughter will always be in your will is that it acknowledges the estrangement but also says that on a deeper level there is no estrangement. I think that is an amazing, healing gift to a estranged child.
Sometimes people feel that as long as estrangement exists, the family's story will be one of failure; therefore, they focus on making the estrangement go away (which is great when this is possible, but it isn't always possible) or, if that fails, even sometimes on assigning blame.
But what you wrote seems to me to point to a possible alternative that's more realistic in some cases: a story of estrangement but with enduring love nonetheless. A more hopeful story.
It strikes me that what is said in a will is especially important (and even where an estate has no monetary significance, it will still be symbolically important) because a will is a final act, the final word on whether there was (or wasn't) a deep love and caring that endured despite whatever estrangement may also have existed. It will be the last impression a child has of how a parent truly felt about him or her deep down.
Also, since it is a final statement that "outlives" the writer of the will, there is no longer a possibility of obtaining anything in return; therefore the child knows it was given without any expectation or hope of something in return--it reflects the parent's truest feelings and genuine caring.
Thank you for this insight into what can be done to make a difficult situation better.
Oh the other hand, since we all die, I'm not sure that it matters.
There is also the idea of inheritances, not being divided up according to which child needs the most monetarily, but dividing the parents' assets equally among the children. The fault in this is that some children need the money not as much as others due to their earnings or their high earning profession or that they are married to a earner which adds greatly to their income, but all inheritance money is divided equally among the children instead.
I suppose most parents divide their assets equally among their children? Rather than attempting the difficult task of alloting according to which child needs more than another - which is difficult to calculate.
Last edited by matisse12; 09-01-2013 at 01:31 AM..
Oh the other hand, since we all die, I'm not sure that it matters.
There is also the idea of inheritances, not being divided up according to which child needs the most monetarily, but dividing the parents' assets equally among the children. The fault in this is that some children need the money not as much as others due to their earnings or their high earning profession or that they are married to a earner which adds greatly to their income, but all inheritance money is divided equally among the children instead.
I suppose most parents divide their assets equally among their children? Rather than attempting the difficult task of allotting according to which child needs more than another - which is difficult to calculate.
Within the context of inheritance, how is this a "fault"?
Oh the other hand, since we all die, I'm not sure that it matters.
There is also the idea of inheritances, not being divided up according to which child needs the most monetarily, but dividing the parents' assets equally among the children. The fault in this is that some children need the money not as much as others due to their earnings or their high earning profession or that they are married to a earner which adds greatly to their income, but all inheritance money is divided equally among the children instead.
I suppose most parents divide their assets equally among their children? Rather than attempting the difficult task of alloting according to which child needs more than another - which is difficult to calculate.
Did you ever watch the Smothers Brothers Show (CBS - 1965-66)? A classic, repeated line in the show was when Tommy would turn to Dick and say, "Mom always liked you best!"
I don't ever want any one of my children to think that about me and possibly feel the lesser for it. It's not a craven or banal matter of avoiding mere difficulty. It's doing what's right.
To whom was she arrogant? How was the statement ignorant?
Why does their giving up a child for adoption, then marrying and having other children together offend you?
There was much more to the situation than I wrote about, here. We found out later her main focus on getting us to move close to her was that she was hoping I would finance her lifestyle. I, personally do not care how she lives her life, I just didn't appreciate anyone judging me. As far as being ignorant, she had no idea of the turmoil I went through in the years bringing up the children, and yet she made crass statements about my child-rearing abilities. Her mother and I had been divorced for many years, but I made certain she was at every family function, and made sure she was as much a part of our lives as I could make her.
Giving the child up for adoption was her decision, true, but there was more to it than that. To explain the whole situation would surely offend some people that see this, since the reason she gave it up was for a religion. In order to accomplish a desired act in her church, she, and her husband must have no children, at least, that is what she was told. She basically chose her religion over the help, and support of her family, who had always been there for her, and, I am certain could have helped her raise the little girl she had. Her mother was the only one that knew about the situation, at the time. Through a twist of fate, we found out 15 years later.
I suppose to help some of us in some of these situations, one must not forget that our children are human beings with their own set of emotions. Just as we cannot force anyone to feel an emotion toward us, we cannot force our children to do the same, even if we are joined by family ties. To me, at least, at the end of the day, 4 of my children are nothing short of strangers to me, since, we have had no contact for over 15 years. If I were ever to meet any of those 4 again, I wonder if we would even have any sort of common ground to start a relationship again? Sadly, it seems that my wife, and I will only be able to think of the children, and the times we had together as one would fondly remember a friendship that is no longer. At least, that is how I perceive things at this point in my life.
[quote=matisse12;31223629]Oh the other hand, since we all die, I'm not sure that it matters.
There is also the idea of inheritances, not being divided up according to which child needs the most monetarily, but dividing the parents' assets equally among the children. The fault in this is that some children need the money not as much as others due to their earnings or their high earning profession or that they are married to a earner which adds greatly to their income, but all inheritance money is divided equally among the children instead.
I suppose most parents divide their assets equally among their children? Rather than attempting the difficult task of alloting according to which child needs more than another - which is difficult to calculate.[/quote]
Dividing the inheritance according to which child needs more than another is very difficult. Some children are more vocal about their financial situation than others. Some poor mouth and complain about their finances, while others deal with their problems without telling the family.
Grateful to see that most responses here are non-judgmental and supportive. Thank you!
I'm also glad to read here that people on the receiving end of poor treatment make the effort to maintain open lines of communication and to keep a sense of 'fairness' among family members. That is so important, and over time it may help to heal the relationship or at least remove bitterness from any perceived inequity. Numerous studies show that perceived favoritism from a parent is incredibly damaging to the siblings' relationships, especially into adulthood.
It is difficult for me to get past a grandparent's favoritism for certain grandchildren. In our family, it's the classic case of the squeaky wheel getting the grease. It's one of the many reasons why we moved to Maine--to stay away from disappointing and sometimes toxic family dynamics. My husband and I have no interest in being manipulated by a few individuals in those energy-draining games for control and attention.
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Dividing the Inheritance Equally
