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Very young kids only know that one grandma is giving them all sorts of cool and costly things and the other may be giving too, but much less materialistic things. What kid in this culture would not come to prefer her?
Quote:
Originally Posted by newenglandgirl
Kids in our culture are consumers at a very young age. If grandma 1 gives 3-yr-old Janey an ipad and grandma 2 gives her a paint set (and both keep these things at their own homes), all things being equal it's likely the kid will clamor to go to grandma 1's house....these days. Unless other things are not equal, such as grandma 2 bakes chocolate chip cookies and lets Janey stay up till midnight watching movies.
Although, this is somewhat off topic, I wanted to respond to your post.
Not all children are materialistic. My parents never once gave a material gift to any of their grandchildren. No birthday presents, no Christmas presents, no graduations presents, none, zero, zip, (perhaps a bouquet of wildflowers picked during a walk, or a special rock or a recipe but no gifts from a store) however, they gave love and experiences and their time. Guess what? All of the grandchildren wanted to spend time with them. It was not that they didn't love their other grandparents (who gave them gifts) but they also loved the grandparents that did not give them gifts.
I, sadly, have seen it. There's some amount of mental instability and drug use involved, both of which distort perceptions.
Yes, I agree with you that mental health issues and drug use (or alcohol, for that matter) will distort perceptions and also, how a person processes other people's actions. That is what I meant in the next sentence after the one you quoted, in re: to revisionist history and adult children blame shifting and calling what occurred in their lives "abuse" when it was NOT abuse.
I know of a situation where the parents had to employ some "tough love" solutions with their college aged (drug addicted) child and he maintains they were abusive. No, he was out of control and to handle things differently, his parents would have been enabling him.
This has led to an estrangement and even though the parents were assured by therapists and other professionals that what they were doing was the right thing, it is still terribly painful for them to be unjustly accused of abuse. These situations can be terribly complex . . . and always very sad.
In the thread about children who can't wait for the inheritance money, poster Tallysmom wrote about the T-shirt picturing a nearly empty auditorium with the banner "Adult Children of Normal Parents".
First, I thought that was also relevant to this thread, and second I really enjoyed that bit of humor which of course has its serious side.
Not all children are materialistic. My parents never once gave a material gift to any of their grandchildren. No birthday presents, no Christmas presents, no graduations presents, none, zero, zip, (perhaps a bouquet of wildflowers picked during a walk, or a special rock or a recipe but no gifts from a store) however, they gave love and experiences and their time. Guess what? All of the grandchildren wanted to spend time with them. It was not that they didn't love their other grandparents (who gave them gifts) but they also loved the grandparents that did not give them gifts.
Good observation, and I really do agree. It's just that it's easy in this super materialistic culture for kids to confuse gifts for love. It was hard for my sisters and me growing up not to "buy into" one grandmother's approach and excitedly wonder what she was going to bring us next, even though we did love both grandmas. I love what your parents gave their grandchildren, it's an inspiration at a time when everyone's scurrying around buying stuff at stores for holiday presents.
On topic, I got a call from a sister last night. She's happy to have heard from her daughter, who called to ask for a favor. This will be a temporary high for her and the connection may last a few weeks. She can't see the bigger picture at the moment.
This reminds me of a friend who called her grandmas Toy grandma andCookie grandma. The toy grandma gave wonderful gifts the cookie grandma baked cookies, taught her to sew, taught her to do needle work, helped her learn to mend etc. Guess which grandma she was closest to? She said it wasn't until she was much older that she realized how little cookie grandma had.
Adult children, yes it means that we are old now, some more than others, but in all cases the tables are turning. I see another side of the question that works in reverse to what most are discussing. Could it be that blame for the estrangement be that of the adult children? Old people are often treated poorly by their kids, and often it has nothing to do with where we went wrong some 50 years ago ether!
Adult children, yes it means that we are old now, some more than others, but in all cases the tables are turning. I see another side of the question that works in reverse to what most are discussing. Could it be that blame for the estrangement be that of the adult children? Old people are often treated poorly by their kids, and often it has nothing to do with where we went wrong some 50 years ago ether!
Sometimes there are even generations involved. After all, we are adult children, have elderly parents, and then we have our own adult children and for some folks, grandchildren and even great grandchildren.
The estrangements may even be because one generation is angry (for whatever reason) with the other and so others in the group "fall in line" or were denied the opportunity to form a relationship (such as an adult child keeping their own children away from grandparents).
I wonder how adult-kid estrangements figure in to other cultures. For instance, I just saw a CBS feature about adult men in Italy living at home with their parent(s) into their 20s, 30s, and 40s, staying close to their parents as they age and also having mama do their laundry and cooking. Many of these guys are professionals making good money; some have their own "other" homes (where they hang out with their GFs) but on a regular basis live in the family home. They all seem to revere mama, and well they should...she waits on them hand and foot and feeds them pasta. Only in Italy!
My above post wasn't to make light of the OP's subject. I really would like to know about this in other cultures. In the CBS clip, an Italian man refers to Americans as being "too individualistic" and in his country everything is "family." I'm sure there's a lot of drama in that, at any rate.
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