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When my kids were growing up, I didn't notice any sibling rivalry - there were very few arguments between them, etc., but when a couple of them were late teens 18 & 19 they got into it at Christmas. I was mortified. Didn't see it coming. They made up and were very close, but continued to fight on and off into their adulthood.
They have staged other holiday fracases . . . unpleasant. In the interim, stresses were put on our family, which caused a complete chasm between these two - they are not really "talking" at all, and now other family members have stepped in and taken sides - resulting in holidays where one doesn't attend - birthdays that are all of a sudden not celebrated, etc.
I have tried to stay out of it, just praying for peace, but I wonder what others have experienced and how you handle it - especially around holidays or birthday celebrations.
What I have observed is that each of them takes great offense at the others - and there is much judgement . . .I am aware of sibling rivalry now, because of hurtful comments they have made to me about each other.
I did an art project after the teen fracas, which I thought at the time helped (because it showed them in loving relationships with each other) . . . I have no idea what, if anything I can do now . . . before family therapy was an option, but I don't think anyone is up for that at this point. Avoidance seems to be their way of dealing with the unresolved issues and resentments they have developed.
Some things, we can't fix. How adult children decide to interact is one of those things. Typically, any involvement from a parent/parents only makes things worse as it is never seen as neutral.
Yeah. I know that. It's just sad because it affects the entire family dynamic - what were fun get-togethers are either filled with tension or drama or there are people missing. Last year at my birthday party, one of them said something the other one didn't like just before going into the restaurant and it caused a huge resentment of the other one . . . just awkward. They are barely civil to each other and these were kids who were really close - best buddies - LOVED each other.
I just wonder how other people handle it - it makes Mother's Day and birthdays feel now like occasions they would dread and I feel like I am caught in the crossfire.
My mother's rule: If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it.
When my parents arranged a get together for a birthday, holiday - heck, we even did anniversaries until we had kids....somehow, we all came. As we grew, we learned - and my dad was the patriarch of the family - there were a couple of times he took a son-in-law outside for a chat. Sometimes, the spouse didn't even know until much later - sometimes, years.
For some reason, we (the children and now grandchildren) always were in attendance and my parents didn't stand for any talking back or disagreements. Just something we grew up with.
PS - I wish I had the same command my parents did, however, our daughter is flying in from NYC for both holidays and then a wedding for one of her cousins shortly thereafter so maybe I do or maybe she longs for the family stuff as corny as it may be.
My mother's rule: If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it.
When my parents arranged a get together for a birthday, holiday - heck, we even did anniversaries until we had kids....somehow, we all came. As we grew, we learned - and my dad was the patriarch of the family - there were a couple of times he took a son-in-law outside for a chat. Sometimes, the spouse didn't even know until much later - sometimes, years.
For some reason, we (the children and now grandchildren) always were in attendance and my parents didn't stand for any talking back or disagreements. Just something we grew up with.
PS - I wish I had the same command my parents did, however, our daughter is flying in from NYC for both holidays and then a wedding for one of her cousins shortly thereafter so maybe I do or maybe she longs for the family stuff as corny as it may be.
You may be onto something there, or it could be differing family dynamics. I was a single parent for part of my kids growing up, so I had less power than a traditional couple duo would have had (and in a patriarchy, the patriarch tends to have power).
On some level, I think it is an issue of respect or lack of it . . . my kids really had no qualms about swearing at each other at Christmas - and am still in shock about that. I always felt holidays and family get-togethers were sacred and could never understand people who would argue at a "festivity." It's just really bad manners. And yes, I did raise them, but by the time they did this, I had no power to change their core values or personalities and I honestly had no clue that this would ever be an issue (there was never any fighting as children).
If family feuds are really this big of a problem, stop having family get togethers for awhile. Take a cruise for Thanksgiving and spend your holiday with pleasant people. If they ask why, tell them the truth--you don't enjoy seeing your family fight.
If they can hold a get together without fighting you'll show up for the next one. If they can't agree to do that, tell them you'll pass because it's not fun to get together with them when they fight.
Do you need to have people who chronically fight gathered at the same event? Just because something is a tradition doesn't mean you have to keep doing it. See them all individually over the year might be a lot more enjoyable in many ways.
Actually, I think it's fine right here as many, if not most retirees have adult children and it's a subject a great many of us can identify and have had to deal with.
My wife and I have a passel of children but none of them are "ours." Most unfortunately, our individual families have never blended and for a variety of reasons there's some bad blood between them. Consequently, we long ago gave up on any thoughts of combined get-togethers, celebrations, etc.. Even among siblings things aren't always rosy so we sometimes deal with one family at a time.
Some things are beyond our abilities to fix and few of us are The Waltons or live in the Little House on the Prairie or the Ponderosa. Consequently, we have to settle for doing the best we can to keep the peace or at the very least, not force battling factions to endure one another's company. Just because they're siblings doesn't mean they have to get along, nor their spouses.
It can be unsettling and unfortunate but it's life nonetheless. More importantly, unless we played one against the other in childhood, it's not necessarily our fault!
Set up separate get-togethers. One for Christmas eve; the second for Christmas noon...
Yeah, like do it in shifts. Frankly, OP, at your age, and your children's age, this type of stuff really doesn't change, no doubt it has been there for decades and is nothing new to you. Unless, you need to spin and re-spin in it. It is up to them.
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Growing up, my mother had a rule....
