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We know of cases like this. In one case it is a grandchild that is having a hard time leaving the nest. In our case, our kids have become self supporting. We give small cash gifts for their birthdays and for Christmas, but we don't support them. I did work on having them learn life skills as they grew up. And, I also made sure that they faced consequences of their actions. But my kids were good kids overall. But then we were pretty strict about behavior. As they began their adult lives, we talked ceaselessly about saving. All of our kids are saving money.
When older children don't grow up, it is a tragic waste. But sometimes illness or accident forces parents to become caregivers. We have never had to do that. Really that is just luck.
I don't know how the kids of "helicopter parents" will do in the next few decades. They might have an especially hard time growing up.
As we age, we have to make sure that we can take care of ourselves first, unless there is a dire situation. If we can't take care of ourselves financially, who will?
??? I think the question is pretty straightforward.
I think there is an attitude around that it's okay to move back in with your parents at the drop of a hat when there is any crisis. It seems like we prolong adolescence as well and adults stay in their parents house longer than they should.
Things aren't always so simple, you know? There are many new grads who cannot find decent jobs. Some take jobs that pay minimum wage, with no real chance of advancement. Or they take unpaid internships, or do volunteer work because that is the only way they can gain any experience. Or they get jobs that tank after a year or two, and then have trouble finding the next one. The Great Recession was really hard on new grads.
However, I do know of cases of kids simply not ever growing up. And by the way, this sort of thing was happening in previous decades. It has always happened, but now perhaps it seems more prevalent. (I know of someone who was my age, who never left home. Never held a job. I don't know what happened ultimately to this person.)
Things aren't always so simple, you know? There are many new grads who cannot find decent jobs. Some take jobs that pay minimum wage, with no real chance of advancement. Or they take unpaid internships, or do volunteer work because that is the only way they can gain any experience. Or they get jobs that tank after a year or two, and then have trouble finding the next one. The Great Recession was really hard on new grads.
However, I do know of cases of kids simply not ever growing up. And by the way, this sort of thing was happening in previous decades. It has always happened, but now perhaps it seems more prevalent. (I know of someone who was my age, who never left home. Never held a job. I don't know what happened ultimately to this person.)
Some of the people who "never grow up" are Autistic. Now back in the day, a mildly Autistic person could still get by out in the world. However, in today's fast paced social arena it is quite difficult for such individuals. Couple that with gaming and the internet, then being stuck in permanent childhood is a clear and present danger.
My wife has a sister whose adult daughter and her husband are bleeding her dry. The daughter is in her mid 30's and has never held a full time job in her life. She chose to have three children one after the other and has been a stay at home mom for several years. She and her husband live paycheck to paycheck. When they decided to buy a home they were given a large down payment. They cannot afford to pay for minor household repairs like a broken down dishwasher. Have to ask my sister in law to pay. They live out of state and when they visit their airline tickets are paid for them.
Recently my sister in law and her husband bought them a brand new SUV. Their old vehicle wasn't big enough to carry three kids and two adults. The daughter and her husband would not trade in their old vehicle to defray the cost of the new SUV. Instead the sold the vehicle themselves and kept the cash. They also insisted that the SUV have leather seats and a GPS systems. After they got their new vehicle they also needed some more money to build a patio behind their house. No problem. It was paid for.
I know a couple who are. One of my best friends was in his mid 20s and mentally ill. He shot off the ends of three toes with a shotgun a few years ago, shot himself in the eye with ratshot last year, leading to expensive eye surgery, then killed himself a few months later. I can't even imagine the bills from the eye surgery alone, much less final expenses.
I have "gifted" the funding of my three kids Roth IRA's for years now. The are all recent college grads and fully employed with no college debt thanks to the "old man". Per my advice they are fully funding 401K's to the tune of 10% but they really can't afford the $5,500 per year to do a Roth so I step in. I will be long dead and buried when these Roth's come to fruition and they will thank the "old man" for his foresight. I look at it as a gift that they can't open for 40 years.
And that's the thing about mental illness. If diagnosed the person is eligible for SSDI. The hard part for the parents is to let go. My son was living in an assisted apartment and messed up his pills and ended up in an institution - he threatened a police officer after he placed an oxygen in his oven and threatened the police that he would start the oven. I don't know the whole story as I only heard his side of the story.
BUT, insurance should have paid for his surgeries and, depending on the parents financial situation, may have also paid for funeral.
It took me a long time to stop believing in his fantasies and financing them. There is always the thought and the shame of what did I do wrong. So you give and give until you finally realize you have to let go.
Last edited by meo92953; 11-23-2014 at 05:38 PM..
Reason: Add
I live in an area with mostly retired folks.
It is amazing how many retired folks that I hardly know will pour out their woes of their adult children draining them because they never learned to say no.
Many said they planned for retirement but it is hard having to support adult children every time their kids go from crisis to crisis.
Some have said the spouse sides with the kids.
Others have said they made the mistake of never "weaning off" the kids before they retired.
I am a good listener, so maybe I just attract people who have that problem.
I would hope it is not as widespread as it appears to be.
And that's the thing about mental illness. If diagnosed the person is eligible for SSDI. The hard part for the parents is to let go. My son was living in an assisted apartment and messed up his pills and ended up in an institution - he threatened a police officer after he placed an oxygen in his oven and threatened the police that he would start the oven. I don't know the whole story as I only heard his side of the story.
BUT, insurance should have paid for his surgeries and, depending on the parents financial situation, may have also paid for funeral.
It took me a long time to stop believing in his fantasies and financing them. There is always the thought and the shame of what did I do wrong. So you give and give until you finally realize you have to let go.
I think the guy was on SSDI and that his parents were wealthy, so they kept him insured even though he was 27. Still, I can't imagine the bills that came with the top flight eye surgery, and then the final expenses a few months later - it had to be tens of thousands of dollars altogether.
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