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I am in my late fifties and retired. My wife and i used to daydream about this time in life as one where we could have some "we time" where we should have some fun. Not rich, but hoping for some travel, time with friends and few cares. The reality is we have increasing care responsibilities with 3 aging parents, one 25 year old child who has not launched and a growing list of ailments (thankfully the latter have not been too serious).
I suspect there will enough issues to keep one or both of us worried for the next decade so not quite my dream of a carefree early retirement.
I fully understand the issues are fairly common and we are realy well placed compared to many, but can't quite shake the feeling of being thwarted! Anyone else feel the same?
Not having had children by conscious choice, I don't have cares in that department, but I certainly know other people who do - cousins, a sibling, neighbors, colleagues have adult children with a variety of serious problems which weigh on the parents. It is fairly common in my experience.
As for caring for elderly parents I was pretty lucky in that department, as both my parents died without being seriously disabled at ages 85 and 90. But once again, you have plenty of company in that area as well.
I am in my late fifties and retired. My wife and i used to daydream about this time in life as one where we could have some "we time" where we should have some fun. Not rich, but hoping for some travel, time with friends and few cares. The reality is we have increasing care responsibilities with 3 aging parents, one 25 year old child who has not launched and a growing list of ailments (thankfully the latter have not been too serious).
I suspect there will enough issues to keep one or both of us worried for the next decade so not quite my dream of a carefree early retirement.
I fully understand the issues are fairly common and we are realy well placed compared to many, but can't quite shake the feeling of being thwarted! Anyone else feel the same?
I think many of us feel the "this is supposed to be our golden years so what happened" question. We've shed many responsibilities and worries from the working years but seem to have traded them for others. Aging parents, kids who need help, not having the health we expected, and other issues keep us in limbo. It's especially hard when we see a lot of our siblings and friends seemingly without constraints, going on trips carefree and having fun.
The first order of thins is to guard our own health, because without that we're not good for anyone esp our spouses. Put nutrition, exercise, time out, etc above everyone else's needs and then do only what's realistic for them. Worry can wear us down and create health problems. Once a month do a weekend vacation even if it's local. Let the house fall apart if necessary, who cares. The "we" is you and your dear spouse, that's what matters most. Do whatever possible to get others to take responsibility for themselves. Perhaps the grown child who's not on his or her own can help with the oldsters while you take breaks?
Location: We_tside PNW (Columbia Gorge) / CO / SA TX / Thailand
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You will be best served by enjoying the few moments together, and taking 'mini' holidays NOW. Actually we had the most "We Time" when working and taking purposeful vacations. Family obligations are here to stay... mitigate them.
Get the 25 yr old in the mode of caring for Grandparents, that will help with the 'reality pill' of life, & give them purpose / direction and skills, and take burden / ownership off you. Also if 25 Yr Old is @ home, have them write the checks for utilities and taxes. Establish care plans for the elderly (both ST and LT). Get their buy-in, use a senior services negotiator 3rd party, if necessary. I found it useful to lead by example... I established my extensive care plans and went to parents and asked them what they thought... leading to discussion and resolution for them. Have several 'Plan B's' / alternate caregiver options. I learned a lot from an aunt who ended up caring for a Quadriplegic spouse due to a major error in a minor surgery @ age 59 (just when they thought they were gonna retire...
I keep the rural properties next door as rentals / future caregiver / dependent homes, as well as apartment in my home for them / me / caregiver. We travel a lot. Frequently separately, so one is home to care for the details / issues. We will fly to meet each other and cherish that small bit of 'We Time.
Eldercare for me started the day I turned 18, and my 'healthy' parent said "Welcome to adulthood you are now caregiver for your disabled parent". Poof GONE. so 32 yrs of that + kids + work + a farm. I got 8 yrs of 'retirement' after that parent died. Now with very ill spouse and 2 needy parents and still well below age 60.
The 'next life' will certainly be easier (I hope). But this one has been very nice at times! And a beautiful but short sunrise today!!! (Very rare in Feb in PNW) We enjoyed the moment, the day to come has some significant and unpleasant responsibilities. (No super bowl in this house... no TV) No time to waste on sitting around.
I am in my late fifties and retired. My wife and i used to daydream about this time in life as one where we could have some "we time" where we should have some fun. Not rich, but hoping for some travel, time with friends and few cares. The reality is we have increasing care responsibilities with 3 aging parents, one 25 year old child who has not launched and a growing list of ailments (thankfully the latter have not been too serious).
I suspect there will enough issues to keep one or both of us worried for the next decade so not quite my dream of a carefree early retirement.
I fully understand the issues are fairly common and we are realy well placed compared to many, but can't quite shake the feeling of being thwarted! Anyone else feel the same?
Similar situations here. Wife's elderly parents needed care, then they passed. But the most devastating was when wife had to take early retirement due to MS and now our 'we time' is mostly trying to keep her as healthy and mobile as possible.
Things are definitely not shaping up for us as we had envisioned 20 years ago.
Life happens and health issues can have the most dramatic impact, imo, as this affects quality of life as both a couple and as individuals - plus the hit to finances, which also affects quality of life (and lifestyle).
I would never have dreamed that at this stage, I would not even be able to take a walk with my husband. One of my favorite things in life was taking two daily walks -- one with my dog and one with my husband. Now, those walks just feel lonely and symbolic of how my life as part of a couple has unalterably, and forever, been changed.
For many of us, we are part of the "sandwich generation," and those responsibilities to our parents as well as our adult children, also impact our lives. I will say - that is the least troublesome component of my life at this point, though. I am so happy to have my son in my life and my parents have planned well for their own senior years, so the responsibilities with/for them are not nearly as demanding as they could have been at this point (although their health issues are definitely becoming much more pronounced at this stage).
If I didn't have so many pursuits of my own that I have enjoyed throughout my life (therefore, skills I already have and can build on and expand rather than "learn") I think I would be demoralized about the overall status of my life.
There are those amongst us who have been fortunate and have sailed into retirement with no snags. We all assume at 45 that all the hard work and good decisions and even the sacrifices will add up to a happy retirement. On the surface, I would say that is not always the case, but that in the end, we are as happy as we choose to be.
I spent a lot of time with Wordsworth in grad school . . . and I knew when I read Intimations on Immortality that I would only come to treasure the words more as I got older. And so many times, these words pop into my head . . .
"Though nothing can bring back the hour of splendour in the grass, of glory in the
flower, We will grieve not, rather find Strength in what remains behind."
Life doesn't always unfold as we envision, but that doesn't mean there isn't still real joy and satisfaction -- we just have to adjust not only our expectations, but our plans. And we have to choose to be happy - happiness then finds us wherever we are in the truth of our daily lives. :-)
I am in my late fifties and retired. My wife and i used to daydream about this time in life as one where we could have some "we time" where we should have some fun. Not rich, but hoping for some travel, time with friends and few cares. The reality is we have increasing care responsibilities with 3 aging parents, one 25 year old child who has not launched and a growing list of ailments (thankfully the latter have not been too serious).
I suspect there will enough issues to keep one or both of us worried for the next decade so not quite my dream of a carefree early retirement.
I fully understand the issues are fairly common and we are realy well placed compared to many, but can't quite shake the feeling of being thwarted! Anyone else feel the same?
Yep, certainly have some of the same issues as you face. One of our three children is significantly mentally handicapped, so she will live with us until we are no longer capable of taking care of her ourselves. This significantly limits what freedoms we have in terms of travel, after all she has provider program schedules too, plus we have to keep an eye on her so she doesn't just wander off with strangers. Also, we have a few elderly parents still around, but I view that as a plus even though it adds to our daily concerns.
Not complaining at all here, I've been retired for seven years now and reality is just different (but not worse) than what I had imagined. Just make the best decisions you can based on what choices you have, and try to remember it is your life too.
Things are definitely not shaping up for us as we had envisioned 20 years ago.
Life happens and health issues can have the most dramatic impact, imo, as this affects quality of life as both a couple and as individuals - plus the hit to finances, which also affects quality of life (and lifestyle).
I would never have dreamed that at this stage, I would not even be able to take a walk with my husband. One of my favorite things in life was taking two daily walks -- one with my dog and one with my husband. Now, those walks just feel lonely and symbolic of how my life as part of a couple has unalterably, and forever, been changed.
For many of us, we are part of the "sandwich generation," and those responsibilities to our parents as well as our adult children, also impact our lives. I will say - that is the least troublesome component of my life at this point, though. I am so happy to have my son in my life and my parents have planned well for their own senior years, so the responsibilities with/for them are not nearly as demanding as they could have been at this point (although their health issues are definitely becoming much more pronounced at this stage).
If I didn't have so many pursuits of my own that I have enjoyed throughout my life (therefore, skills I already have and can build on and expand rather than "learn") I think I would be demoralized about the overall status of my life.
There are those amongst us who have been fortunate and have sailed into retirement with no snags. We all assume at 45 that all the hard work and good decisions and even the sacrifices will add up to a happy retirement. On the surface, I would say that is not always the case, but that in the end, we are as happy as we choose to be.
I spent a lot of time with Wordsworth in grad school . . . and I knew when I read Intimations on Immortality that I would only come to treasure the words more as I got older. And so many times, these words pop into my head . . .
"Though nothing can bring back the hour of splendour in the grass, of glory in the
flower, We will grieve not, rather find Strength in what remains behind."
Life doesn't always unfold as we envision, but that doesn't mean there isn't still real joy and satisfaction -- we just have to adjust not only our expectations, but our plans. And we have to choose to be happy - happiness then finds us wherever we are in the truth of our daily lives. :-)
I spent a lot of time with Wordsworth in grad school . . . and I knew when I read Intimations on Immortality that I would only come to treasure the words more as I got older. And so many times, these words pop into my head . . .
"Though nothing can bring back the hour of splendour in the grass, of glory in the
flower, We will grieve not, rather find Strength in what remains behind."
Life doesn't always unfold as we envision, but that doesn't mean there isn't still real joy and satisfaction -- we just have to adjust not only our expectations, but our plans. And we have to choose to be happy - happiness then finds us wherever we are in the truth of our daily lives. :-)
What a wonderful read, Ani. Thanks so much. The genius of the great poets never fails to fill me with wonder that it's possible to write like that - not possible for me, of course, but for the Wordsworths of the world. If I worked a hundred years I could not create anything that sublime.
Having aging parent is a given whether work or retired at some point. Actually a lot depends on health and parents; as we quite enjoyed retired and spending more time with ours before they passed pretty suddenly.. As to older child at home that varies. Personally nothing is much different than I had seen before often .I and wife have always had a you do what you have to do attitude; so just take life as it comes. Sometimes I think many have a grass is always greener attitude to looking at retirement; moving etc more than realistic.
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) No time to waste on sitting around.
