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We don't have anyone. As long as my husband and I have each other, we'll care for each other at home. If we get to the point we can't we'll have a nurse come help out sometimes and if we need more we'll go into assisted living. Beyond that we'll go in a nursing home. It is what it is.
Her second husband died when he turned 70. Her first husband was a loser, so she got rid of him early. She kept on working at her career job until she turned 80. She finally retired and filed for Social Security. When the employee at the SS office asked her if she wanted to claim her widow's pension, she said: "Hell no! My husband's pension is small as he retired early. I want to collect on my own SS." She collected the maximum on her own.
She nurtured all of her nieces and nephews. She had one special nephew who visited with her every week, and took care of all her needs. She also called the rest of us on a regular basis. If you hadn't visited her in a while, she asked why....also when you were coming over. When you got there, she had lunch ready. If she didn't feel like making lunch, she asked if I could drive her to a restaurant. She insisted on paying for the meal. We talked about everything, month after month, year after year. I figured out that she liked our company better than living in a senior assisted living, or nursing home. She was in decent health. She was just old. She said she lived so long because she never was diagnosed with diabetes.
She lived alone, but she was rarely alone. She refused all major surgeries, and "went home to die" each time the doctors told her that she would (since she refused the surgery). She didn't die for the next 20 years, even though she had her 100th birthday. We had a huge party for her in her backyard.
I visited with her more often and so did other nieces and nephews. She was getting weaker and had more trips to the hospital than usual. Finally during the last month of her life, I begged her to get a nurse, as I had to work and could not be there all day. During that time, she got weaker and weaker. I came to visit her whenever I could. She asked me what I wanted from her house. She told me to "take anything I wanted." I couldn't do it because that would mean that I thought that she wouldn't make it.
I finally got the phone call that I had been dreading. She didn't die alone, but she lived her life independently, in spite of not having any children. She was extraordinary. We loved her so. I wish I had asked her more questions about our sketchy but lovable family. She told me that one of her brother's died before his 25th birthday because he hung out too much with the Mafia.
There are a lot of us who DO have children who ask the same question. Just sayin'......
Yes, this. I've known elders without children, and some with children. The ones without children moved into a facility, that offered varying degrees of care, per the tenants' changing needs over time. So one wing was independent living, another was part-time care, s third was like a nursing home.
One elder who had children, had a friend of his deceased wife come in every day to fix lunch, and do some office work for a few hours (he was a writer). He also had someone clean once/week. The one of his three children who lived locally would come visit, and eventually took over the lunch and typing duties. But as he became more of a regular visitor, some of his father's antiquities would disappear, one item at a time. (The son had a small business as an itinerant antique salesman, among other things). The father never suspected it was his own son stealing from him, but some of the rest of us had no doubt, which was sad.
You can't assume that your kids will take care of you, or that if they do, they won't have ulterior motives, or that you'll be able to get along with them. And not having children doesn't mean you won't be surrounded with caring friends.
Her second husband died when he turned 70. Her first husband was a loser, so she got rid of him early. She kept on working at her career job until she turned 80. She finally retired and filed for Social Security. When the employee at the SS office asked her if she wanted to claim her widow's pension, she said: "Hell no! My husband's pension is small as he retired early. I want to collect on my own SS." She collected the maximum on her own.
She nurtured all of her nieces and nephews. She had one special nephew who visited with her every week, and took care of all her needs. She also called the rest of us on a regular basis. If you hadn't visited her in a while, she asked why....also when you were coming over. When you got there, she had lunch ready. If she didn't feel like making lunch, she asked if I could drive her to a restaurant. She insisted on paying for the meal. We talked about everything, month after month, year after year. I figured out that she liked our company better than living in a senior assisted living, or nursing home. She was in decent health. She was just old. She said she lived so long because she never was diagnosed with diabetes.
She lived alone, but she was rarely alone. She refused all major surgeries, and "went home to die" each time the doctors told her that she would (since she refused the surgery). She didn't die for the next 20 years, even though she had her 100th birthday. We had a huge party for her in her backyard.
I visited with her more often and so did other nieces and nephews. She was getting weaker and had more trips to the hospital than usual. Finally during the last month of her life, I begged her to get a nurse, as I had to work and could not be there all day. During that time, she got weaker and weaker. I came to visit her whenever I could. She asked me what I wanted from her house. She told me to "take anything I wanted." I couldn't do it because that would mean that I thought that she wouldn't make it.
I finally got the phone call that I had been dreading. She didn't die alone, but she lived her life independently, in spite of not having any children. She was extraordinary. We loved her so. I wish I had asked her more questions about our sketchy but lovable family. She told me that one of her brother's died before his 25th birthday because he hung out too much with the Mafia.
WOW! "...each time the doctors told her that she would die"? How many times did they tell her that, and what were the surgeries supposed to be for?
*snifff*. That's a touching and inspirational story. :')
If by "take care of you" you mean when you need 27-7 care, IMO no one should expect this of their children. Medical advancements have increased lifespans of many way to much to expect one's kids to blot out their own lives for years and years.
Our adult kids are not going to physically take care of us ~ most of them anyway. It's a rare adult child who has the goodness of heart, the time, the patience, the health, the body strength, and the stamina to physically do caregiving. And remember, our adult kids will be in their 50s, not spring chickens and most likely still working full-time. Not to mention that many of us do not want our kids helping us with bodily functions. It would be nice however if they check on us, help out in the house occasionally, and take us to lunch very now and then. A niece or nephew or younger friend could do that for those who don't have kids.
Agreed.
I grew up taking care of a mother who had a devastating disease. I even helped with " personal ( intimate) care"... even at the monthly time. ( no 10 year old boy or teen should have to do that!!!!). So i DONT relish the idea of doing it for FIL or MIL or having any other than a paid nurse to do that for me.
We DO however, consider it our duty to try to look after my FIL and my father. At least until a nursemaid is needed.
We ARE in our 50s, soon to be 60 for my OH. And my FIL will be 91 when my OH tirns 60, the same month that is. And my father will be 85 in the fall.
We dont have children by choice, but do have a nephew and neice in law. They hopefully will kinda look after us in the way of checking on us and if we need a nursemaid, they hopefully will assist. They will be our heirs. If they dont see fit to, we will bestow our estate upon another individual who does habe our best interests at heart.
Simple.
Why oh why, however, must one assume it is a childs duty to look after them? Children dont ask to be born, it is YOUR duty to look after tyem as YOU brought them into the world. But why must every parent insist their child look after them?
My father feels as i do.
My FIL feels it is our duty to amuse him and take care of him, simply because my OH is his child, and i, my OH s spouse, along for the ride.
It is US who do feel the desire to look after our fathers.
There is a difference between choice and expectations.
I don't think one can assume children will be able or around to care for you even if you had them. My mother has outlived 2 of her children and has 2 others (myself included)
She will be 87 this year and lives with me. She can take care of her hygiene needs and financial matters thankfully. My brother calls her and they talk, but she would only live with him as a last resort. He lives in a colder climate, his home is not conducive to an aging parent i.e. all bedrooms 2nd floor.
My mother would still be in Florida if one of my brothers hadn't passed away several years ago but she can't drive anymore.
We have adapted to the situations and made decisions accordingly. If my mother gets to the point she cannot physically take care of herself, we will make more decisions.
I guess what I am saying is the best laid plans are liable to change even if you have children.
I live in an over-55 community and I have seen some adult children who have helped their parents a lot---but I've also seen some who never help. Even the best-intentioned adult kids are busy with their own children and grandchildren. Many are still working.
The most awful case was a woman who moved from New York to Georgia to be closer to her daughter (who lived 20 miles away). The daughter brought her mom to a book club announced and announced, "Y'all need to look after my mom." She truly did expect this--which to some extent is appropriate, neighbors looking after each other---but it turned out that she was never going to drive her mom (who didn't drive) to any doctor's appointments. The daughter worked, but as a financial advisor where she could make her own hours. It's not like she was a teacher who had to be in school every day from 8 to 4. We drove the mom to a doctor's appointment when her daughter decided that getting her nails done was more a priority than taking her mom to the doctor! My neighbor hung all over me because her balance wasn't good. I suggested she use a cane or walker, but she said her daughter didn't want her to because it would make her look old! (I informed her that for her own safety as well as mine she would need to use a walker in the future if I took her out again.)
The daughter controlled the mom's money, so the mother had to ask (beg) her for whatever she wanted/needed. The mom wanted one ceiling fan (Georgia in the summer time---not an unreasonable request) and the daughter refused. The mom wanted antiglare coating on a new pair of eyeglasses and the daughter refused. Of course I don't know her exact financial circumstances other than they both thought a $250,000 condo twelve years ago was doable for her. But it's not like the mom wanted a cruise. A fan and eyeglass coating would have not cost that much and would have made her more comfortable and safer.
Just one mother-daughter relationship, but in this case, having a child did not help her in any appreciable way. She eventually moved back up north to assisted living.
A lot of us are going to end up in Medicaid nursing homes, and who knows what kinds of conditions those places will be.
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