Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Stressed -- just tell DIL you'd gladly move in with them.... watch her change her tune!
LOL, She knows that can never happen! I had to stay with them for a week after Hurricane Sandy hit, because my house had no electricity or heat and was 40 degrees in the DAYTIME. Less than 2 weeks after I was able to go back home, I was informed that they were acquiring some cats... to which I am violently allergic and cannot take meds for. As a result, I can't even spend more than about 20 minutes at their house without starting to have breathing problems. So she knows she's forever safe from that alternative, LOL
giving me a guilt trip saying that his granddaughter will grow up never knowing her family.
Hey, were you listening in on the conversation in my kitchen that day? LOL That's exactly the point my DIL brought up (she is planning to get pregnant in another year and a half or so). "How can you NOT want to constantly see your grandchild?" "Your grandchild will grow up not knowing who you are" and so forth
I wish I'd thought of your response at the time, LOL
EscortRider brings up the very point that I was trying (but failed) to convey to my DIL during the conversation.
She comes from a large, very close-knit family, 90% of whom live within a half hour's drivetime. The few who live out of state come to visit for all the holidays. Big family gatherings all year which everyone is expected to attend. It is unthinkable for her to EVER not be within 15 minutes drive of her parents, and she has stated that she would refuse to relocate for ANY reason unless they could also afford to bring her parents with them. Even if relocating meant a more secure future for her and my son and their eventual child. (I was privately appalled at this but did not say so; I would never want my son to pass up an opportunity for betterment because of anything to do with me!)
On the other hand I come from a very small family with a history of individual independence. My parents, aunts and uncles all left home at a fairly young age and built their own lives and households. Sometimes fairly close, sometimes not. Privacy and respect for other family members privacy was always paramount. There was never any expectation that either parents or offspring would or should live in each other's pocket, so to speak, nor be under any obligation as a result of just genetics. Independence and self-reliance are the words that best describe multiple generations of my family, on both sides. And above all, personal decisions regarding how someone chose to live their life -- even when it went against typical social norms, and quite a few of them did -- was accepted and respected as being everyone's inherent right which should be paramount.
Two completely different family-background views of a situation, for sure. :-)
Wait, she's upset because of a baby that hasn't even been conceived?! Good grief, she needs to be a little less self centered. And yet she gets cats when she knows that you're allergic? I'm flabbergasted.
The closest we have ever lived to our parents was four hours. For the last six years, it has been a 3 day drive. Our children are close to thier grandparents, too. But the onus for visiting will be on you, since it's easier and cheaper for one person to fly than a whole family.
But the onus for visiting will be on you, since it's easier and cheaper for one person to fly than a whole family.
Well, that depends on the financial situation of the parties concerned, I think.
If you have one person who lives on a small fixed income that does not allow for much in the way of discretionary spending, versus a family of three whose income is into the six-figure range... there may not be much difference in the total-cost-vs-affordability ratio between the two alternatives.
I am pretty sure the scenario will be that I will have the time but not the money; they will have the money but not the time. Stalemate! LOL
If you retired 'away' from family, did they make you feel guilty about it?
Oh, yes! With seven children between us, five of them daughters, three of whom have children, the odds were there would be some "disapproval" and attempts to guilt us into staying close. The odds were correct.
Both my wife and I were military brats. Both of us moved around a lot. I spent years in the military myself and moved some more. It seemed that family was usually somewhere other than where we/I found ourselves. I think I saw each of my grandparents maybe three times in my life and about the same for aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. Being somewhere other than where family lived was simply an accepted way of life and that included parents in our adult years.
Back to children and guilt. We made a conscious, knowing decision to move away from the bulk of family when we retired. It was in no way an anti-family decision. It was decidedly a pro-us decision. We moved to someplace we both wanted to be. Selfish? Some think so. Satisfying? Absolutely. Why would we wish to spend our final years somewhere we no longer cared for?
It was in no way an anti-family decision. It was decidedly a pro-us decision. ....Why would we wish to spend our final years somewhere we no longer cared for?
Exactly! It does puzzle me, this "anti-family" or "abandonment" perception. I would think that a loving child would want his/her parent(s) to spend their final years wherever they have the best chance of being happy and/or more financially secure, even if that is not close to their offspring.
If you have grandkids "on the horizon" then you'd better make the move now before they are born. They will capture your heart and you will never get away to a warmer, more desirable place to live!
This observation hits the nail squarely on the head. Someday, I hope to be able to apply it to my own life.
Guilt is a "gift" you can only give yourself. I always suggest that you take it back to from whence it came and exchange it for something you really want!
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
If you retired 'away' from family, did they make you feel guilty about it?
