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Old 04-27-2014, 08:59 PM
Location: North Carolina
1,764 posts, read 2,336,572 times
Reputation: 1871


I wish you could rub off on one of my former neighbors. She is on hubby #5 and follows him around the country for various contract positions. She has two adult children and a 17 year old. She moved away, with no hesitation, from her youngest expecting him to sleep on people's couches or in his car. Her middle child is in her 20s and lives in a mental hospital full-time and she had no qualms about leaving her either. I was heartbroken for her kids when it happened.

I am sorry for the loss of your son and understand why you feel guilt about leaving your daughter in CA. You two can still connect by phone and webcam anytime and either side can fly to visit one another. She may even decide that CA is not for her after so many years and move closer. It's nice that you want to be supportive though. You've done your job and now she is spreading her wings. ;-)

All the best to you all.
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Old 04-27-2014, 10:45 PM
Status: "Support the Mining Law of 1872" (set 17 days ago)
Location: Cody, WY
9,596 posts, read 10,946,232 times
Reputation: 19252
Originally Posted by WestPalmHereIcome View Post
Thank you so much for this response. It makes sense, I just have to stop crying long enough to try to follow this advice! ♥

And you are right, our 17 year old son died a few years ago in AZ and it just complicates everything for everyone.

We aren't retiring yet, but we are going to where we have always wanted to retire, there just happens to be a job there for my husband. 10 more years to go!
Home is where the heart is; your heart is with your daughter. Perhaps you can't live as opulently in California as you can in Florida. So what? You'll be with your daughter. Besides, an aspiring young actress wil prey to all sorts of truly evil people. You can do nothing in Florida, but in California you can at least keep watch.

Listen to your heart. You know you can't be happy without her.
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Old 04-27-2014, 10:46 PM
141 posts, read 244,039 times
Reputation: 66
Originally Posted by jghorton View Post
Not sure where YOUR feelings of guilt are coming from? You have raised and educated her and she is now on her own, with a job and her own apartment. While you will always be her parent/s, "parenting" itself, in the context of raising one's children to adulthood --must end or at least change, when they become adults.

Are you fearful about 'letting her grow-up'... or about allowing her to take responsibility for her own life? --- Do you really NOT want her to learn to make her own choices and decisions? If that is the case, then you should rightfully feel a sense of 'guilt' about that!

You are not abandoning her! You are simply doing what every parent of every emotionally and psychologically healthy young adult has done since 'parents' were invented. Give her space to grow and make yourself available via phone, Skype, text, visits, letters, etc. You and she will both be better for it.
It's such a long story and im on my phone...

This was the first time she has been able to live near the both of us at the same time because her brother died THE WEEK her moved from AZZZZZZZ PA! Then 6 months later she and I moved BACK to AAZZZZZZZ so she could go to school with kids she knew and who knew her brother. My husband stayed in PA for work. When she graduated she went to the University of Miami. We moved to TN while she was in college then to CA when she graduated. (It just happened to be a fluke)
It's so expensive here. We could afford it, but it would leave us no money to save. At our age I thought that was a bad idea.
I thought about all we'd gain but didn't really think about her staying. She never indicated she wanted to move. I feel like maybe we should have rented one more year.

I got sick and just wanted to go closer to more
family. I feel like I didn't try hard enough.
sorry all, I can't seem to be able to fix the AZ it kept putting too many Zxxz's.
I'm going to be driving tomorrow. I will check back.
Thank you all.
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Old 04-28-2014, 05:09 AM
38,304 posts, read 14,974,624 times
Reputation: 24725
You are both grieving the loss of those unexpected, unplanned moments together. Phone calls and visits help, but it's not the same as seeing each other for this, that and the other.

On the other hand, if you are ten years from retirement and renting in an area you can't really afford to live let alone retire, you need to get out of there and get going on setting yourselves up for retirement. If you want to retire with a paid-for home, you still have time to do that. You have time to build up a nest egg. You need to get situated where you can care for yourselves once your income drops in retirement.

If you don't, you will place a dreadful burden on your daughter in the future. You don't want that.

Keeping a good thought for all three of you.

Last edited by GotHereQuickAsICould; 04-28-2014 at 05:29 AM..
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Old 04-28-2014, 08:17 AM
1,985 posts, read 1,310,958 times
Reputation: 3400
I wouldn't feel guilt if it comes down to you being able to live, but I would feel sadness. Would you rather live in CA, see your daughter frequently, and live a more frugal life, or live in FL, and see her twice a year? Only you can answer that.

It's a matter of what's important to you and your husband. That is a tought choice. IF it matters.... I've always lived away from my parents, and finally after 25 years and them getting older (and us having a young kid later in life), I moved back closer to home. So maybe she'll do the same down the road.
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Old 04-28-2014, 08:52 AM
Location: Glenbogle
730 posts, read 1,028,973 times
Reputation: 1046
Also keep in mind that she is 23, which means the likelihood is that sometime within the next 7 years she may be married or in a committed relationship which may change her current "life gameplan" considerably. She may end up marrying a lawyer and moving to Boston or NYC, for all anyone knows. Life is change, and that's especially true for the young.

Do what is best for you. I'm currently planning to move away from my only son and eventual grandchild, for the same reasons you have (can't afford to remain where I am). The only way that I could stay would also make me either absolutely miserable -OR- completely broke before I'm 80, and I'm not going to choose either of those options. I don't want to put that kind of burden on myself or on him.

Last edited by Never2L8; 04-28-2014 at 09:25 AM..
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Old 04-28-2014, 10:03 AM
Location: Penna
726 posts, read 1,011,918 times
Reputation: 1259
We all have follow our chosen path.

Tell her when she hits the big time and can put you up you'll be back. Maybe it will make her feel better. Maybe it will happen.
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Old 04-28-2014, 10:26 AM
Location: UpstateNY
8,612 posts, read 8,315,799 times
Reputation: 7524
OP, I would like to hear what happens when you get to Jupiter, we are moving near there as well.

Do what is best for you, and she will do what is best for her.
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Old 04-28-2014, 11:13 AM
Location: New Mexico U.S.A.
25,360 posts, read 41,497,525 times
Reputation: 29441
Originally Posted by WestPalmHereIcome View Post
We aren't retiring yet, but we are going to where we have always wanted to retire, there just happens to be a job there for my husband. 10 more years to go!
Times have changed. U.S. families seem to have split up more than 40 or 50 years ago. We now have family on the east and west coast...

Your husband has a job in Florida and 10 years to retire, so go on out. Who knows, you daughter may later decide to follow you, ours did for about 14 years...
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Old 04-28-2014, 02:11 PM
141 posts, read 244,039 times
Reputation: 66
Thank you all for giving me the courage to leave. Although my heart is broken, we are leaving tomorrow to drive to FL.

IF we had chosen to stay here, we'd be about 2 or more hours away from her because we'd have to live in Orange County and she is in North LA. Traffic is really difficult here. Plus the housing situation would mean either living in a nieghborhood where we would not feel comfortable or take out a huge mortgage (we're talking like 4-5 hundred thousand on top of putting all our money (other than some stocks.) into trying to afford a home. When we lived in TN we had a fully paid off home (only 550K) but it was ours. In LA or OC there is no way we'd find a place we'd feel safe at that money. So... off we go.

I won't be back on for a few days unless I can get on a computer. But I am reading this from my phone.

I'm scared and exhausted. I hope she misses us enough someday to choose to move closer to family. I lived away from home at her age too, but my mom had been dead for years. =(

Thank you all again. Wish me luck!
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