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Old 05-02-2014, 04:07 PM
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 31,514,657 times
Reputation: 29081


Originally Posted by WestPalmHereIcome View Post
Thank you all for giving me the courage to leave. Although my heart is broken, we are leaving tomorrow to drive to FL.

IF we had chosen to stay here, we'd be about 2 or more hours away from her because we'd have to live in Orange County and she is in North LA. Traffic is really difficult here. Plus the housing situation would mean either living in a nieghborhood where we would not feel comfortable or take out a huge mortgage (we're talking like 4-5 hundred thousand on top of putting all our money (other than some stocks.) into trying to afford a home. When we lived in TN we had a fully paid off home (only 550K) but it was ours. In LA or OC there is no way we'd find a place we'd feel safe at that money. So... off we go.

I won't be back on for a few days unless I can get on a computer. But I am reading this from my phone.

I'm scared and exhausted. I hope she misses us enough someday to choose to move closer to family. I lived away from home at her age too, but my mom had been dead for years. =(

Thank you all again. Wish me luck!
I do wish all of you luck and I truly believe you made the best, albeit difficult, choice for you two and your daughter as well.

My wife and I finally got "smart" over the years and realized that "helping" our children in their adulthoods, but for true emergencies, actually held them back by not forcing them to get on with their own lives and support. Consequently, we stopped. The only one who we now help at all, strange as it may seem, is my middle daughter who has guardianship of her mother, my ex, who is institutionalized due to advanced dementia. It's created a financial burden on my daughter which she doesn't deserve so we've helped from time-to-time when we've known she was struggling, the latest time being today. But she's worked very hard, been responsible and deserves the assistance.
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Old 05-02-2014, 04:26 PM
Location: Mid-Atlantic east coast
5,372 posts, read 9,874,356 times
Reputation: 10243
When I was 23, I moved from the East Coast to San Francisco and left behind my East Coast family. Didn't feel guilty even though they tried to make me feel that way. You do what you have to do when you have to do it. Guilt is a useless emotion. She'll either make her own life in CA or move to be closer to you.

You've done your duty with your daughter -- now go enjoy your life!
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Old 05-02-2014, 09:46 PM
Location: NYC
2,919 posts, read 1,595,504 times
Reputation: 7964
Wait a second... your daughter moved away from you.

Then, for some reason you decided to uproot from across the country & move closer to her for some reason, forgive me but I didn't read all 4 previous pages to see if she is a special needs adult or has some other severe limitations. But otherwise it would be incomprehensible for me to imagine my parents doing that when I moved across country in my early 20s.

She has to leave the nest & learn to fly, help her by leaving her to do that.
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Old 05-07-2014, 06:27 AM
141 posts, read 244,039 times
Reputation: 66
Hello everyone!

Thank you ALL for giving me the support I so desperately needed to get through the travel leg of the trip. We made it!

I do love it here. We've already seen friends and have been looking at houses. I remember clearly WHY this is the place we wanted to retire to. It's perfect for us and fits our lifestyle completely.

The difference between where we were living in California and where we can afford to live here is striking! We CAN afford to live here. I am so relieved.

My daughter unfortunately is still pretty angry at me. I am hoping that I can be successful enough here for her to be proud of me and to be happy for us. I understand where she is coming from and I do hope she will mature and move toward us someday. We will never move back that way unless we win the lottery!

Truly, every single one of your comments made sense to me and greatly helped me to continue on our way. I had no one to speak to back in CA and this thread was a lifeline for me to continue on my journey.

I will try to keep everyone abreast on what we are doing. I am already feeling a thousand times better here. *whew*
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Old 05-08-2014, 05:52 AM
4,349 posts, read 6,066,011 times
Reputation: 10458
If you stay in California, you don't think one day she'll get the promotion of a lifetime to NYC or meet the man of her dreams from Washington State? Don't hitch your wagon to a shooting star. <-- or something like this
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Old 05-09-2014, 05:39 PM
6,409 posts, read 3,594,818 times
Reputation: 7353
I moved to Florida from NY when I was 21. It was to be with a BF. That lasted six months. I hated Florida and missed my parents. That was in 1971. I married, had kids, and lived about 30 miles away. Enough "space" so to speak, yet my parents were able to see their grandkids grow up. I was also there when my parents passed away.

Almost 10 years ago we moved to Florida for work. I did not want to leave NY (again) and my daughters. My older daughter moved to Florida to be near us a few years ago. She moved back to NY after 3 months. Did not like it at all. She asked her now wife, who had relatives in Florida, if she would want to move there. No, she didn't. So now both my daughters are in NY, including one who is having our first Grandchild.

Do you have any idea the travelling we do? We/I go back to NY at least 5 times a year. The holidays we drive because that time of the year is very EXPENSIVE to fly. Sorry, the kids, nor US, want to spend Christmas in Florida. That really SUCKS.

Maybe some people think well, they have their lives to live. Well, so do I, and for ME, that means not being a thousand miles away, and in place that I do not want to be. Do what is best for "you"? Well, I want to, and that means going back home where I belong, near my family and in the North that I love. Yes, we too probably cannot afford to live in NY, but there certainly are places a lot CLOSER than Florida that we could afford.
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Old 05-10-2014, 07:34 AM
Location: New Mexico U.S.A.
25,356 posts, read 41,497,525 times
Reputation: 29441
Originally Posted by WestPalmHereIcome View Post
Hello everyone!

Thank you ALL for giving me the support I so desperately needed to get through the travel leg of the trip. We made it!

I do love it here. We've already seen friends and have been looking at houses.
Congratulations! Enjoy the new area... Enjoy life!
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Old 05-10-2014, 08:00 AM
Location: Tennessee
34,706 posts, read 33,724,405 times
Reputation: 51960
Originally Posted by WestPalmHereIcome View Post

Our daughter graduated from college, has her own apartment, has a job and (unfortunately) wants to be an actress so she refuses to leave CA.
What if she got an acting job on a TV show filmed in NY or Vancouver? Think she'd turn it down to live near you?
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Old 05-10-2014, 03:10 PM
Location: Cushing OK
14,547 posts, read 17,569,443 times
Reputation: 16777
My birthday was four days ago. My son called, and said they were with his inlaws, celebrating his wife's mom's birthday. Seems we share one. There is the living on the same street and moving at the same time, and when he was staying with his aunt, her family moving two houses down from where they'd lived, and his mom and mil sharing a birthday. I stlll haven't met her but they'll be coming out this summer. I can't afford it and neither can he but his grandparents need someone to drive.

It was so neat when he called and they sang happy bday to both of us. I don't think I ever met her. But I know and he knows they'll end up living where they can afford to and have work. And if the parent/s are happy where they live, then kids should be happy FOR them. I hope the daughter finally comes to understand and congrats on the move.

My aunt finally said point blank that as much as she loved her grandson, having her daughter arrive half of the week on the way to work since the sitter didn't show was tiresome. She'd still watch once in a while but wasn't a doormat. I think sometimes kids expect mom the babysitter, etc to be close. If grandparents love it then fine but it is up to them.
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Old 05-10-2014, 03:31 PM
21 posts, read 23,500 times
Reputation: 21
I am so very glad I found this thread! I too am dealing with the situation of leaving behind my 26 year old daughter from 1st marriage - single, just built new home, successful - to move to warmer climate for my husband's health. Throw in our 11 year old son's reluctance to leave his friends and I am swimming in doubts, indecision and guilt. Not to mention living with an unhappy husband who feels I am not taking his needs seriously.

It will be a good move for us. Change makes us stronger, and it will be good for our son to experience it. But although I know my daughter will be just fine I am beating myself up over this!

Good luck OP!
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