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Old 04-27-2014, 02:09 PM
 
141 posts, read 243,623 times
Reputation: 65

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I'll keep this short and sweet.

We are moving from California (LA) to Jupiter, FL.

I have one surviving child, my 23 year old daughter whom we followed out to CA (we lived here 2 years) from TN (we lived there one year - long story, hated to leave) and are moving to FL because we didn't feel we could comfortably afford California.

Our daughter graduated from college, has her own apartment, has a job and (unfortunately) wants to be an actress so she refuses to leave CA.

I cannot get over the guilt of leaving her.

She is disapointed and and fairly angry - but she won't admit it.

How does one handle leaving their only child? She has NO family here.

All our family lives in NY and FL.

I can't stop crying.
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Old 04-27-2014, 02:15 PM
 
Location: Columbia SC
8,948 posts, read 7,725,979 times
Reputation: 12154
She is an adult and has chosen her career path. You have to live your own life and not be a follower. My daughter begrudged me retiring some 1000 miles away. My son said go for it.
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Old 04-27-2014, 03:04 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,018 posts, read 17,726,438 times
Reputation: 32304
Quote:
Originally Posted by WestPalmHereIcome View Post
I'll keep this short and sweet.

We are moving from California (LA) to Jupiter, FL.

I have one surviving child, my 23 year old daughter whom we followed out to CA (we lived here 2 years) from TN (we lived there one year - long story, hated to leave) and are moving to FL because we didn't feel we could comfortably afford California.

Our daughter graduated from college, has her own apartment, has a job and (unfortunately) wants to be an actress so she refuses to leave CA.

I cannot get over the guilt of leaving her.

She is disapointed and and fairly angry - but she won't admit it.

How does one handle leaving their only child? She has NO family here.

All our family lives in NY and FL.

I can't stop crying.
Isn't the key to your reaction to be found in one word, the word "surviving"? That word seems to imply that you have lost a child. I am so sorry that you have had to bear that most terrible of all griefs. Since you lost one, that means it is normal to cling all the more tightly to the other. Yet the separation of the daughter and mother when the daughter is 23 is within the range of the normal.

Normally, there should be no "guilt" at leaving her at that age. You will have to work through those feelings (counseling may be helpful) and seek to find activities in your life which well be engaging in addition to being a mother to your daughter. Crying is a normal part of the grief of separation, whether that separation is caused by death or by circumstances, as in this case.

Best of luck.
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Old 04-27-2014, 03:04 PM
 
1,107 posts, read 1,873,675 times
Reputation: 1563
yup, we all have to follow our own path. your future times together will be even more sweet. hang in there. it will be alright. things have a way of working themselves out.
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Old 04-27-2014, 03:06 PM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 31,467,321 times
Reputation: 29071
Quote:
Originally Posted by WestPalmHereIcome View Post
I'll keep this short and sweet.

We are moving from California (LA) to Jupiter, FL.

I have one surviving child, my 23 year old daughter whom we followed out to CA (we lived here 2 years) from TN (we lived there one year - long story, hated to leave) and are moving to FL because we didn't feel we could comfortably afford California.

Our daughter graduated from college, has her own apartment, has a job and (unfortunately) wants to be an actress so she refuses to leave CA.

I cannot get over the guilt of leaving her.

She is disapointed and and fairly angry - but she won't admit it.

How does one handle leaving their only child? She has NO family here.

All our family lives in NY and FL.

I can't stop crying.
If you're going to get all weepy and emotional about it then by all means, deny your druthers and let her wants determine your life for you.

Here's the deal. Guilt is a gift you can only give yourself and it certainly sounds as if you dished up a healthy portion. When people do that I always recommend they return it in exchange for something they really want.
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Old 04-27-2014, 03:09 PM
 
223 posts, read 274,280 times
Reputation: 443
Your daughter has options, too!

Acting is no longer tied so strictly to Hollywood. She could move to NY and pursue a career on Broadway if she needed to be closer to family members. Law & Order and many movies are filmed in NY, too.Tyler Perry has a production studio in Georgia and The Walking Dead is filmed in GA, too. Universal Studios - Orlando bills itself as a working studio and does produce a couple of movies each year. There is also a budding industry which revolves around the producing films for online content providers. The world of voice acting can be done from just about anywhere for commercials, voice-over narration for tv shows, cartoon voices, etc...

Your daughter is opting to stay in California because she thinks that it is the best place to be for her career. It isn't the only place, though.

You can still see her on a regular basis by using a webcam and services like Skype. There was a time when the other side of the country may as well have been on the other side of the moon! With technology, it isn't much different than being next door.

Enjoy your retirement...You earned it!
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Old 04-27-2014, 03:38 PM
 
141 posts, read 243,623 times
Reputation: 65
Quote:
Originally Posted by Escort Rider View Post
Isn't the key to your reaction to be found in one word, the word "surviving"? That word seems to imply that you have lost a child. I am so sorry that you have had to bear that most terrible of all griefs. Since you lost one, that means it is normal to cling all the more tightly to the other. Yet the separation of the daughter and mother when the daughter is 23 is within the range of the normal.

Normally, there should be no "guilt" at leaving her at that age. You will have to work through those feelings (counseling may be helpful) and seek to find activities in your life which well be engaging in addition to being a mother to your daughter. Crying is a normal part of the grief of separation, whether that separation is caused by death or by circumstances, as in this case.

Best of luck.
Thank you so much for this response. It makes sense, I just have to stop crying long enough to try to follow this advice! ♥

And you are right, our 17 year old son died a few years ago in AZ and it just complicates everything for everyone.

We aren't retiring yet, but we are going to where we have always wanted to retire, there just happens to be a job there for my husband. 10 more years to go!

Last edited by WestPalmHereIcome; 04-27-2014 at 03:42 PM.. Reason: added last comment
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Old 04-27-2014, 04:13 PM
 
Location: Sierra Nevada Land, CA
8,389 posts, read 9,134,430 times
Reputation: 13025
And know that if one's plan was to live near one's daughter, one could spend the next twenty years moving every time she moved. Example: if our goal had been to stay near our kids we would have moved three times in the last six years. Not to mention one lives in Hawaii and the other in NY state!

Quote:
Originally Posted by WestPalmHereIcome View Post
Thank you so much for this response. It makes sense, I just have to stop crying long enough to try to follow this advice! ♥

And you are right, our 17 year old son died a few years ago in AZ and it just complicates everything for everyone.

We aren't retiring yet, but we are going to where we have always wanted to retire, there just happens to be a job there for my husband. 10 more years to go!
Smart move! We did the same 11 years ago and I plan to retire in three. You will have friends and connections when you retire and will know the area.
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Old 04-27-2014, 05:32 PM
 
Location: South Carolina
13,820 posts, read 18,775,199 times
Reputation: 24482
you have to do what is best for you , not her and she has chosen to stay in California so be it . That is what is best for her . again my point being you have to do what is best for you and you cannot follow your kids around for the rest of your life . I know my middle son just threw a guilt trip at me some time last week about me not moving down there where they live only I cannot afford where they live , so naturally that would not work for me . I wont go somewhere , where I cannot afford to live nor would I want to depend on my kids to help me financially . I have always taught my kids to stand on your own two feet and everyone should regardless of their age . You are doing what is best for you and God bless you .
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Old 04-27-2014, 06:47 PM
 
Location: Florida -
8,760 posts, read 10,832,098 times
Reputation: 16632
Not sure where YOUR feelings of guilt are coming from? You have raised and educated her and she is now on her own, with a job and her own apartment. While you will always be her parent/s, "parenting" itself, in the context of raising one's children to adulthood --must end or at least change, when they become adults.

Are you fearful about 'letting her grow-up'... or about allowing her to take responsibility for her own life? --- Do you really NOT want her to learn to make her own choices and decisions? If that is the case, then you should rightfully feel a sense of 'guilt' about that!

You are not abandoning her! You are simply doing what every parent of every emotionally and psychologically healthy young adult has done since 'parents' were invented. Give her space to grow and make yourself available via phone, Skype, text, visits, letters, etc. You and she will both be better for it.

Last edited by jghorton; 04-27-2014 at 06:55 PM..
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