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Old 06-10-2014, 05:28 PM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,978,143 times
Reputation: 15649

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Boy does this ever sound familiar. It all starts with a fall and (living independently) ends there too. This past week must have been the one for elderly falls.

My sister's 94-year-old FIL was at the "Club" playing bocce last Tues when he fell and shattered his hip (he drove there himself). Now in rehab and is not ambulatory and refuses to go anywhere but home when he's discharged this weekend. His son takes little to no responsibility for him (he's afraid of his authoritarian dad) and refuses to take away the car keys, in fact drove his dad's car back to the dad's apt. My sister is going to be the one they all look to for taking him to doctors, etc. if he really can't drive.

This same week, my friend's friend's mother, age 90-something, fell in the bathtub while her daughter was at work and stayed in there 8 hours! No phone in the bathroom, no alert on her. She drained the tub of course but had to be hospitalized for trauma.

My point: these old folks have absolutely no business living on their own unless they're super "together." Even then! It seems that few family members will call a spade a spade and take the bull by the horns and say look, I love you and it's nursing home time. And for god's sake take away the keys and the car for good.

What is the upshot of failing to take action? It all comes down on the daughter or son (usually one of them, as the siblings seem to dissipate into thin air when push comes to shove, except for the obligatory and brief visit).

AZ, I'm so sorry you're going through this but feel concern for you that you will be the caretaker. It seems like a family meeting is in order to discuss Plan A, B and maybe C. Your mom's kids and grandkids need to play a part.

I agree with Escort about taking anything you can get right away. But nursing homes should be researched and visited. It's only a matter of time, for safety for her and sanity for you. Best wishes.
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Old 06-10-2014, 05:30 PM
 
1,227 posts, read 1,260,355 times
Reputation: 4309
Several thoughts come to mind, even though you aren't asking for advice.

I wonder if it is possible to hire teenagers to stay with her while you are working. Mostly they need to be able to call for help if she falls.

I wonder if care.com might have someone affordable to care for your mom while you are at work.

I wonder if it is time to sell the house so your mom can live in an Assisted Care facility.

I wonder if there are adult daycare centers near you where your mom can stay while you are at work.

I'm wondering if your dad was a veteran because the VA and military organizations have various Senior housing/care options.

Those are just some immediate thoughts that come to mind.

Sending best wishes to you both.
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Old 06-10-2014, 05:37 PM
 
Location: Verde Valley AZ
8,618 posts, read 9,684,845 times
Reputation: 10965
Quote:
Originally Posted by augiedogie View Post
Sounds like your doing a great job looking after your mom. Good for you.
Thank you. I am doing the best I can and I'm sure I'll learn many new things as well.
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Old 06-10-2014, 05:48 PM
 
Location: SoCal desert
8,093 posts, read 13,234,579 times
Reputation: 14870
Quote:
Sunday morning she was in the bathroom, getting ready for church,
Give her pastor/head of church a call - he may have a list of volunteer church members (other seniors/teenagers) that can come in for even and hour or two.

(I also think it's time for you to go stomp your tiny feet in front of your other relatives in the area. I had to stomp my big feet to get my brother down here, LOL))
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Old 06-10-2014, 06:05 PM
 
Location: Verde Valley AZ
8,618 posts, read 9,684,845 times
Reputation: 10965
Quote:
Originally Posted by newenglandgirl View Post
Boy does this ever sound familiar. It all starts with a fall and (living independently) ends there too. This past week must have been the one for elderly falls.

My sister's 94-year-old FIL was at the "Club" playing bocce last Tues when he fell and shattered his hip (he drove there himself). Now in rehab and is not ambulatory and refuses to go anywhere but home when he's discharged this weekend. His son takes little to no responsibility for him (he's afraid of his authoritarian dad) and refuses to take away the car keys, in fact drove his dad's car back to the dad's apt. My sister is going to be the one they all look to for taking him to doctors, etc. if he really can't drive.

This same week, my friend's friend's mother, age 90-something, fell in the bathtub while her daughter was at work and stayed in there 8 hours! No phone in the bathroom, no alert on her. She drained the tub of course but had to be hospitalized for trauma.

My point: these old folks have absolutely no business living on their own unless they're super "together." Even then! It seems that few family members will call a spade a spade and take the bull by the horns and say look, I love you and it's nursing home time. And for god's sake take away the keys and the car for good.

What is the upshot of failing to take action? It all comes down on the daughter or son (usually one of them, as the siblings seem to dissipate into thin air when push comes to shove, except for the obligatory and brief visit).

AZ, I'm so sorry you're going through this but feel concern for you that you will be the caretaker. It seems like a family meeting is in order to discuss Plan A, B and maybe C. Your mom's kids and grandkids need to play a part.

I agree with Escort about taking anything you can get right away. But nursing homes should be researched and visited. It's only a matter of time, for safety for her and sanity for you. Best wishes.
Egad...makes you wonder if there's "something in the air". It's admirable that older people even want to continue being that active but maybe they don't understand the consequences? Or think it won't happen to them? I can't imagine being "afraid" of a 94 year old parent. Especially at the age this son must be. At this point in time I'm beginning to feel like the "mom". Mom is not commenting on that part of it...yet. lol She will, if she gets tired of it. She has, all but, given up driving. She has been getting rides to church, which is only a few blocks. She has me to take her shopping, bill paying and errand running. She makes all her doctor appointments for Tues. or Wed. to accommodate my schedule. I have had to call off work for that before though, like when she had her eye surgery. They only do them on Mondays.

That poor woman! Eight hours! I felt so sorry for my mom being stuck for over five hours. I'll have to tell her about that. Maybe it'll make her feel 'better' about her fall. Mom does have one of those gov't 'emergency' cell phones and she carries it when she's outside doing yard work, etc.. It was on her nightstand by her bed when this happened. She hasn't heard from the Life Alert people yet.

Mom and I discussed LTC/nursing homes a while back. I told her that I would do my very best to see that she never ended up in one BUT if it came to the point that I absolutely positively could not take care of her anymore I would have to and not be made to feel guilty about it. IF I can keep it together for her I am good with it so we shall see. I honestly don't want to ever see my mom in one of those places, even though we have some pretty nice ones here. Nice and expensive!

I am the oldest child, and daughter, and all my life I've felt "responsible" for my parents and siblings. I think it has always just been accepted that I would be the main caregiver for whichever parent survived when one was gone. My brothers are good guys and they care about Mom a lot but they aren't the type to be good caregivers. Although I question that when neither of them will invite her to their homes for holidays, etc.. THAT makes me mad! And neither of their wives care enough...IMO. Their kids and grandkids are going their way, doing their thing and only ONE comes to see her on a regular basis. The one she threw out no less. lol No family meeting...couldn't get both brothers in the same room at the same time for any amount of money. Stupid but truth. At least I can still talk to both of them because I stay out of their "stuff".

You know, I always knew it would come to this...someday. And I always thought I'd handle it okay...which I will. But in the meantime I DO feel a little stressed about it all. This is just happening too fast and all at once. Or feels like it anyway.

And then there's my sister but that's another long story. At least she has her three kids to look out for and help her. Just another 'worry' for me. I honestly thought about transferring up there and taking care of her myself. Sigh.
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Old 06-10-2014, 06:56 PM
 
Location: Verde Valley AZ
8,618 posts, read 9,684,845 times
Reputation: 10965
Quote:
Originally Posted by LookingatFL View Post
Several thoughts come to mind, even though you aren't asking for advice.

I wonder if it is possible to hire teenagers to stay with her while you are working. Mostly they need to be able to call for help if she falls.

I wonder if care.com might have someone affordable to care for your mom while you are at work.

I wonder if it is time to sell the house so your mom can live in an Assisted Care facility.

I wonder if there are adult daycare centers near you where your mom can stay while you are at work.

I'm wondering if your dad was a veteran because the VA and military organizations have various Senior housing/care options.

Those are just some immediate thoughts that come to mind.

Sending best wishes to you both.
Hey, I'll take all the good thoughts and "advice" I can get. I appreciate it.

I'd love to find some responsible teens around here but the only ones I know are my nephews kids. One of those just graduated, is studying to be a CNA and I thought, maybe, taking care of great grandma might give her some experience. I am going to talk to my brother about it and maybe between the two of us we can pay her decent for it. I know she has a regular job now but maybe she'd like to earn a little 'extra'. We'll see.

Most of the things you mention would rely heavily on Mom's co operation. I can put them out to her and see what she says. I know she won't sell the house though. It's her HOME and she's going to stay in it as long as she can...till they carry her out for good, if possible.
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Old 06-10-2014, 07:03 PM
 
Location: Verde Valley AZ
8,618 posts, read 9,684,845 times
Reputation: 10965
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gandalara View Post
Give her pastor/head of church a call - he may have a list of volunteer church members (other seniors/teenagers) that can come in for even and hour or two.

(I also think it's time for you to go stomp your tiny feet in front of your other relatives in the area. I had to stomp my big feet to get my brother down here, LOL))
Our pastor is aware of what's going on, pretty much. My mom's been a member of this church for over 50 years and knows everybody and all their families...past and present. They've done things for her before and will again, I'm sure.

My brothers are already here. It's just sometimes kind of hard to catch them. One is a truck driver and the other just doesn't always answer his phone. Although, for the last two days he's pretty much answered on the first ring! lol My truck driver brother is 'supposed' to be spending some nights here between runs but he's not been around since yesterday afternoon. Who knows....?
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Old 06-10-2014, 07:18 PM
 
48,516 posts, read 83,943,432 times
Reputation: 18050
Basically the nephew and wife with kids were her caretakers and now gone. Likely what you have observed caused the split. Now its up to you and brothers to decide and convince her to go along with decision. Good luck as I have gone thru that but with parents that were much more cooperative.
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Old 06-10-2014, 07:42 PM
 
14,260 posts, read 23,995,588 times
Reputation: 20072
Quote:
Originally Posted by newenglandgirl View Post
This same week, my friend's friend's mother, age 90-something, fell in the bathtub while her daughter was at work and stayed in there 8 hours! No phone in the bathroom, no alert on her. She drained the tub of course but had to be hospitalized for trauma..
I want to make one point. Many on the RETIREMENT thread don't like the 55+ communities BUT they do have people looking in on their neighbors on a daily basis. One group on our street do 8am and 4pm walks most days. If someone is a "no show", they drop on over to see if all is well.
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Old 06-10-2014, 07:57 PM
 
1,915 posts, read 3,348,212 times
Reputation: 3032
As a person that works in healthcare, I would recommend that you only consider a nursing home as a last resort. Bringing someone in your mother's home would be a much better solution.

A private assisted living home would be another option, again if it's impossible to keep her at home where she is comfortable.
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