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Old 06-15-2014, 02:21 PM
 
Location: Ponte Vedra Beach FL
14,628 posts, read 17,953,845 times
Reputation: 6717

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Quote:
Originally Posted by newenglandgirl View Post
My question (for me) had nothing to do with moving. I'm in an uncomfortable debate with a "close friend" who insists (every single time I see her) that my mostly vegan-whole grain diet is ALL wrong and I must adopt the "Paleo" diet (animal food–based) to be a lot healthier. She points to the book by Dr Perlmutter, her guru. Now this doesn't in itself have to do with aging/being a senior, but it is definitely indicative of overbearing (really quite overbearing, nonstop) unsolicited advice (from busybody senior friends) that I've experienced since retirement. Some of it also had to do with "do not get that second dog!" It seems like the older some folks get, the more adamant they get about their views, to the point of confrontational.

The other reason I ask is that I do feel a bit guilty having taken part in giving my mother advice about what "she should do" in regard to her living situation. If we ever do decide to move elsewhere, I feel certain these same "friends" will weigh in. My payback I suppose.

But it is an interesting question, esp in regard to aging parents and their grown kids. Should the grown kids weigh in with unsolicited advice to their parents around aging issues? Where is it crossing the line and being a busy body? I've heard folks say things like "well, at some point the parent becomes the child and vice versa." When I hear this it sounds demeaning (to the elders).
Sounds like that's the end of your dinner parties with your friend <LOL>.

All this food stuff drives me nuts - especially the "gluten thing". I was therefore very pleased to see this Jimmy Fallon piece :

Pedestrian Question - What is Gluten? - YouTube

Note that my husband and I are pretty much omnivores (although we do try to eat a sensible balanced diet of moderate amounts of food). Still - it has become such a chore to cook for people with all kinds of different dietary insistences (as opposed to actual requirements as a result of religious beliefs - diseases - real allergies - etc.) that the people we have over most today are a kosher Rabbi (who's diabetic) and his wife. They are actually pretty easy to cook for because I love to make pasta dishes - and know many that are meat free (guess I could order Kosher meat - but don't know how or where). So I make dairy meals when they come over - and they make meat meals when we go to their house. Us 2 women are the only dessert fans - so we make or bring things for one another (like nice chocolates ). Leave the guys to their fruit (and sometimes cheese at our house).

BTW - I'm glad this isn't a very serious thing like dealing with older parents who aren't behaving rationally. OTOH - as more and more people become food-obsessed - the harder it is to make dining a focal point of a social get-together. I could probably cook a great dinner either for you or your friend (but only if you each cut me just a little slack). But I couldn't make dinner for both of you at the same time without killing myself . And what fun is that? Robyn

P.S. That Paleo diet sounds like the Atkins Diet Revisited.

P.P.S. It can be interesting (but challenging) to cook for people with certain medical issues. Like my late FIL had bad congestive heart failure and couldn't tolerate anything except the smallest amounts of salt. My triumph was an almost salt-free Thanksgiving dinner for him and his family (relied heavily on herbs and spices and only put salt in the baked goods - apart from soup and mashed potatoes - which I didn't make - the only thing that is simply awful without a little salt is most baked goods).

Last edited by Robyn55; 06-15-2014 at 02:35 PM..
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Old 06-15-2014, 05:03 PM
 
Location: Edina, MN, USA
6,956 posts, read 7,402,814 times
Reputation: 16299
Neg - Glad you got that second dog. That friend of yours needs to put a filter on her mouth. I have a family full of those that think their opinions are the only opinions with any merit. That makes everyone else just plain wrong. EWWWWW~~~
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Old 06-15-2014, 05:29 PM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 19,001,270 times
Reputation: 15649
Quote:
Originally Posted by texdav View Post
I have to say I often hear people complain to others then get mad when the others give advise. Keep it to yourself if you do not want to hear comments on what you said; plain and simple.
I am secretive about my private life and health (no complaints or talk) to those I know, all the more perplexing to feel a target of their advice.
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Old 06-15-2014, 05:34 PM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 19,001,270 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Umbria View Post
Neg - Glad you got that second dog. That friend of yours needs to put a filter on her mouth. I have a family full of those that think their opinions are the only opinions with any merit. That makes everyone else just plain wrong. EWWWWW~~~
I don't mind a simple comment or being handed a book ("you may find this interesting"). It's the constant yammering from several that just doesn't quit. I'm considering veering away from a very long friendship with this one friend. She has gotten "worse" every year as she has aged. She apparently has lots of longtime friends and I would bet the bank that she does the same thing to them, as she talks to me about them all the time and how they could fix their this and that. I'm worn down. Fortunately, I was able to discourage this in my sisters. But I did a very bad thing today, I said something about one sister's hair color (it kind of slipped out) and I was mortified with myself, as I never say such things. Though I didn't give her any advice I wondered all day if I'm becoming one of those old ladies who say things.
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Old 06-15-2014, 05:51 PM
 
Location: Baltimore, MD
3,746 posts, read 4,224,664 times
Reputation: 6866
Quote:
Originally Posted by texdav View Post
I have to say I often hear people complain to others then get mad when the others give advise. Keep it to yourself if you do not want to hear comments on what you said; plain and simple.
If complaining is the same as venting/blowing off steam, then no, chances are a woman is not soliciting advice. I have no idea if men are expecting advice after complaining, but in general, women are not.
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Old 06-16-2014, 07:43 AM
 
Location: Glenbogle
730 posts, read 1,028,973 times
Reputation: 1046
Quote:
Originally Posted by Robyn55 View Post
Unless your circumstances are unusual - you can protect against being hung out to dry when it comes to a Medigap policy. Get one from a large national outfit - like AARP/UHC. It writes Medigap policies almost everywhere. When you move - the policy moves with you (although your premiums may go up or down depending on the medical costs in a particular area). When we moved my late FIL from NC to Florida - his UHC policy came with him. And - if any company could have canceled anyone - UHC would have canceled him (we moved him here in an ambulance to a SNF after he had a major stroke). I think if this was a major issue for a lot of people - I would have read more about it. Robyn
Unfortunately, UHC does not offer the High-Deductible Plan F where I live, and that's the only Medigap that I would be able to afford for at least the next two years (maybe longer)... if I can even afford one at all until then, which is a distinct possibility. There are only 4 companies offering the Hi-D Plan F here; the premiums are $64, $93, $116 and $144 respectively.

The worry for a Medigap is not cancellation or non-renewal (they cannot do that as long as you pay your premiums) but if you want to change to a different letter type of policy - even within the same company - they have the right to refuse you if you live anywhere else but in those five states. Your FIL wasn't trying to change his coverage... he was only changing his location, and that's why his health wasn't a problem. It's when you change coverage that insurability becomes an issue with the Medigaps.

That's why the Medicare site says that if you want to change coverage (or have a lapse of coverage of more than 63 days) after the 6-month initial enrollment period "you may not be able to get a policy". That is true everywhere in the USA except in the guaranteed-issue states.
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Old 06-16-2014, 08:39 AM
 
Location: UpstateNY
8,612 posts, read 8,315,799 times
Reputation: 7524
Sometimes the urge to offer advice/solutions overtakes us when what we really need to do is just sit back and listen. When my dad passed every time I spoke to mom I was compelled to try and offer solutions, now I just let her blab.

When she needs me to do something she will come out and ask. Of course, I always make sure that she knows I am there for her and 'whatever I can do, tell me what you need' is always on the table.

When presented with folks whom you percieve as offering advice, ask yourself how large their support network is. I'll bet, aside from the true busybody, that they have few to rely on and just need a willing ear.
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Old 06-16-2014, 10:15 AM
 
Location: Glenbogle
730 posts, read 1,028,973 times
Reputation: 1046
Quote:
Originally Posted by Silvodene View Post
Why do you talk to her?
I don't, that often LOL

I don't consider the situation anywhere near the "open warfare" level by any means. She happens to be young and very egocentric and outspoken; whether any of that will change with increasing age and life experience, who knows? I look back on some of the things I said or thought when I was in my late 20s/early 30s and cringe, LOL

Cutting off contact with a close family member is, to me, a tactic that is reserved for open-warfare level. I've done it twice in my life: in one case I have no regrets about it, but in the other case I do wish I hadn't done so.
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Old 06-16-2014, 11:14 AM
 
14,267 posts, read 24,025,211 times
Reputation: 20101
Quote:
Originally Posted by Silvodene View Post
Why do you talk to her?

You don't have to. Simply tell him you no longer wish to see his wife, explain why and he can choose to react accordingly. He already knows what's going on.

Blowing up bridges works both ways.

There are a lot of grandparents that never see their grandchildren because they never made the effort to get along with their DIL or SIL.
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Old 06-16-2014, 01:43 PM
 
48,516 posts, read 84,021,758 times
Reputation: 18050
Quote:
Originally Posted by lenora View Post
If complaining is the same as venting/blowing off steam, then no, chances are a woman is not soliciting advice. I have no idea if men are expecting advice after complaining, but in general, women are not.
But the it brings up subject and its now others take the issue raised. keep it quite and the it doesn't come up at all mostly. Its much like this forum ;if subject is brought up then you get opinions other wise its not.
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