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Old 11-01-2014, 11:42 AM
Location: Cochise county, AZ
4,960 posts, read 3,451,255 times
Reputation: 10475


Upon reading this, it was déjà vu for when my mom was alive. Her dementia slowly took over her life to the point where she, who'd been an avid reader, couldn't remember what she'd read from one page to the next. In lucid moments she recognized what was happening and would talk about how much she just wanted to go home to heaven. This was hard on us too.

I don't know what kind of senior services are available in your area but one of the things my sister did was contact Lutheran Social Services & they had a volunteer program with people who would come visit for a few hours a week. It let us have the freedom to get away and the volunteers had the compassion to listen to the same things once a week.

It may be something that can be checked into.
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Old 11-13-2014, 05:33 AM
12,676 posts, read 14,059,781 times
Reputation: 34728
I was in a similar situation. A long time, very good friend moved to another city...got a job, a house, etc. And we spoke every few weeks and I visited up there as he preferred my coming there, where he had lots of room to him coming to my place where there was no room. The pattern of the visits ultimately became very repetitious, both in the activities and in conversation. And it was just as I was becoming aware of this that I had a serious accident and could no longer travel.

The friendship became one of telephone calls, I became aware of the fact that he never had anything to talk about, which was very strange. He had a job, loved going around his city, had a personal life, etc.....but in response to questions I realized that every answer was, "Oh, nothing new." "Oh, nothing."

And he would ask me the same four or five superficial questions, and I began to feel too gabby sharing my activities when the information really wasn't being solicited...and never followed up in the next phone call.

This state of affairs really bothered me, until I let myself think about it rather coldly, perhaps. Here are two old friends, one has to be having a life with activities, unless there has been some total, psychological personality change...but says nothing about it. I have a life of activities that I share, but the news falls on deaf ears.

The answer: There is no friendship any longer. In similar long-distance situations with other people this had not happened, so this seemed the only answer. This was one friendship that evidently needed shared physical presence, though even that seemed to have been failing before the accident.

So, in the next phone call I summed up the situation as I saw it, and said that I was no longer going to call. I did not think we had a friendship any longer. He protested vehemently, but I pointed out the total lack of curiosity and interest in sharing our present lives on his part, and he sort of flummoxed into silence, and then agreed.

I think we know when that vital spark that is necessary for a friendship isn't there. But it is difficult to find a way to exit from a relationship that has deteriorated into a habit.
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Old 11-13-2014, 05:39 AM
10,318 posts, read 9,367,886 times
Reputation: 15907
The OP has posted again about this issue since she initiated it last July. Guess she solved her problem?
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Old 11-13-2014, 05:58 AM
4,343 posts, read 6,052,492 times
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Friendships aren't necessarily meant to be a forever bond. When the conversations start to become superficial then it's time to move on. A little redundancy can be tolerated, but talk about weather is shallow and what I'd expect from a stranger or a store clerk.
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Old 11-23-2014, 03:59 PM
Location: Planet Woof
3,139 posts, read 3,504,154 times
Reputation: 9889
Friends for over 40 years and you are ready to dump her because you get tired of hearing her repeat herself?

She could be lonely or feel isolated from her own sense of self or past. She could have some dementia.

People ARE more socially isolated than they used to be and aging often further lends to these feelings.

I can understand sometimes feeling frustrated, but friendship should be about empathy, compassion, and tolerance.

An old friend with a long history of acquaintance is a blessing and should not be taken lightly.

How do you think she would feel if you just dropped her?

Being a friend means taking the rough along with the smooth.

Accept her as she is, your long time friend. I'm sure you have your flaws as well and others feel they have to ''put up'' with you sometimes.
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Old 11-23-2014, 06:47 PM
Location: Los Angeles area
14,018 posts, read 17,723,738 times
Reputation: 32304
It is a real dilemma and a real heartache when good friends of long standing start to get weird on us. Although that can happen at any age, it is much more likely to happen as we get older. I have three friends of long standing, one male and two female, who, to various degrees and in various ways, are changing, and not in good ways.

Two of the three have pulled back, not responding to me until after long delays, which breaks a pattern of many years of more or less normally timed responses. I am hanging in there, accepting that the contacts will be more infrequent. It's what it is, and I have no power to change it. Not worth cutting them off about, as we have too much shared history. But it's very sad to note.

The other friend, the closest one of the three, is just getting weird, and I suspect age-related cognitive problems, which is especially sad and tragic in such a formerly brilliant person. This friend and I go back 46 years (to graduate school). I can accept a lot of rudeness in this case because of all the mutually helpful things we have done for each other over the many years. But it is painful.

Not all problems and dilemmas have a neat, satisfactory solution.
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Old 11-23-2014, 06:51 PM
Location: Sugarmill Woods , FL
6,235 posts, read 5,892,396 times
Reputation: 13647
Originally Posted by WorldKlas View Post
We are both 65 year old women and have been friends since the 70's. We don't live near eachother but take the time to chat on the phone for about an hour once a week. I dearly love her. But she talks about the same things over and over. Tells me stories from a long time ago that I have heard countless times. It's driving me crazy to the point that I often don't feel like spending me time on her. Have you had this happen to you? How to handle it?
Shut it down! At this point in your life you should do what is best for YOU!
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