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Old 08-01-2014, 10:33 AM
 
1,214 posts, read 1,356,465 times
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It is really all about understanding each other.
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Old 08-01-2014, 10:40 AM
 
16,720 posts, read 14,711,325 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post
I think they both have found their niches and pursuits and so are enjoying their lives apart when apart -- and together, when together. :-)
This sounds wonderful. When I had a job in another state, we had this kind of workaround and know we could do it again if that's what we wanted. As it is, we have separate bedrooms because we both snore and we both like different TV shows or movies, so it works for us. If he's playing golf, I'm lying by the pool, but we do play darts a few times a week together, and spend the evenings together reading or watching TV.

Some people didn't or don't understand how we live, but that's their problem, not ours. We've been together 12 years, we trust each other implicitly, and it works for us.
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Old 08-01-2014, 11:14 AM
 
Location: delaware
688 posts, read 865,025 times
Reputation: 2367
Quote:
Originally Posted by LookingatFL View Post
My late parents-in-law were married but did not live together most of the time. She had a condo in FL and he had an apartment in CT. She stayed with him in CT for a few months during each summer. It wasn't until she became really ill with Cancer that they lived together full-time and he became her caretaker. It was not a secret that they did not like each other.

On the other hand, there are a growing number of couples who subscribe to the "new family form" of Living Apart Together (LAT) and are very happy doing so. For them it is a lifestyle choice and not a measure of antipathy toward spouse.

Could You Live Apart, Together? | Psychology Today



My partner and i have been together- LAT- for twelve years. we are not legally married but each of us thinks of the other as a spouse, and functions in that regard in most aspects of the relationship. we met when i had been widowed after 30+ years of marriage to my childhood sweetheart, and he had been divorced for sixteen years after a marriage of 12 years.

we initially thought we would marry, looked at houses together, but the downturn in real estate hindered our going forward with purchasing a house together. in the ensuing years, we have maintained separate homes about 15 minutes apart, and now we both think that this is the best decision for us. we come from very different backgrounds, we have different housekeeping standards, and very different ideas about money. i think it would be difficult to make it work, certainly as well, together.

we talk several times a day when apart, always know each others' schedules,and are involved in each others medical appointments and are supportive when there are medical procedures, tests that need to be done.we are together at one house or another probably 3-4 days a week. we are the power of attorney for each other and the documented medical decision maker for each other. he is the beneficiary on most of my accounts and i am on his. fortunately neither has to depend on the other for any financial support.

i had never lived on my own until my husband's death, and because it was a generally happy marriage, marriage was a natural way of life for me. but now, almost thirteen years later, i feel at this point in my life, i'm not certain i'd want to live with anyone again. this is a commentary on me rather than on him or any other relationship i might have had. i think this arrangement would not be especially desirable when younger, especially if children are part of the picture. but at my age, i feel this is very workable for us. i really don't feel we could feel any closer or connected if we lived together.


catsy girl
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Old 08-01-2014, 11:14 AM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 67,186,293 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by convextech View Post
This sounds wonderful. When I had a job in another state, we had this kind of workaround and know we could do it again if that's what we wanted. As it is, we have separate bedrooms because we both snore and we both like different TV shows or movies, so it works for us. If he's playing golf, I'm lying by the pool, but we do play darts a few times a week together, and spend the evenings together reading or watching TV.

Some people didn't or don't understand how we live, but that's their problem, not ours. We've been together 12 years, we trust each other implicitly, and it works for us.
Yep, if it works, why blow things up just b/c other folks may not choose to live the same way?

Whatever works. If there is angst and unhappiness, then it has been my experience that most folks go their separate ways. People who are staying together (even if they are apart, lol) have their reasons for living their lives that way.

The flip side to the coin is . . .folks who live together but never marry.

Not everyone desires to be in a "conventional" relationship, and I think as we get older, we realize that the most important thing is to be satisfied with our lives and relationships . . . and if others don't "get it," who cares.
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Old 08-01-2014, 11:20 AM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 67,186,293 times
Reputation: 22375
Quote:
Originally Posted by catsy girl View Post
My partner and i have been together- LAT- for twelve years. we are not legally married but each of us thinks of the other as a spouse, and functions in that regard in most aspects of the relationship. we met when i had been widowed after 30+ years of marriage to my childhood sweetheart, and he had been divorced for sixteen years after a marriage of 12 years.

we initially thought we would marry, looked at houses together, but the downturn in real estate hindered our going forward with purchasing a house together. in the ensuing years, we have maintained separate homes about 15 minutes apart, and now we both think that this is the best decision for us. we come from very different backgrounds, we have different housekeeping standards, and very different ideas about money. i think it would be difficult to make it work, certainly as well, together.

we talk several times a day when apart, always know each others' schedules,and are involved in each others medical appointments and are supportive when there are medical procedures, tests that need to be done.we are together at one house or another probably 3-4 days a week. we are the power of attorney for each other and the documented medical decision maker for each other. he is the beneficiary on most of my accounts and i am on his. fortunately neither has to depend on the other for any financial support.

i had never lived on my own until my husband's death, and because it was a generally happy marriage, marriage was a natural way of life for me. but now, almost thirteen years later, i feel at this point in my life, i'm not certain i'd want to live with anyone again. this is a commentary on me rather than on him or any other relationship i might have had. i think this arrangement would not be especially desirable when younger, especially if children are part of the picture. but at my age, i feel this is very workable for us. i really don't feel we could feel any closer or connected if we lived together.


catsy girl
Good for you, catsy girl! I am uplifted when I hear about folks who have structured their lives in a way that works for them.

Life is too short to base decisions on any criteria other than what works for that particular couple. In the end, you and your partner know what your relationship is all about. That is all that matters.
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Old 08-01-2014, 11:31 AM
 
Location: Edina, MN, USA
6,954 posts, read 7,396,297 times
Reputation: 16288
Quote:
Originally Posted by catsy girl View Post
My partner and i have been together- LAT- for twelve years. we are not legally married but each of us thinks of the other as a spouse, and functions in that regard in most aspects of the relationship. we met when i had been widowed after 30+ years of marriage to my childhood sweetheart, and he had been divorced for sixteen years after a marriage of 12 years.

we initially thought we would marry, looked at houses together, but the downturn in real estate hindered our going forward with purchasing a house together. in the ensuing years, we have maintained separate homes about 15 minutes apart, and now we both think that this is the best decision for us. we come from very different backgrounds, we have different housekeeping standards, and very different ideas about money. i think it would be difficult to make it work, certainly as well, together.

we talk several times a day when apart, always know each others' schedules,and are involved in each others medical appointments and are supportive when there are medical procedures, tests that need to be done.we are together at one house or another probably 3-4 days a week. we are the power of attorney for each other and the documented medical decision maker for each other. he is the beneficiary on most of my accounts and i am on his. fortunately neither has to depend on the other for any financial support.

i had never lived on my own until my husband's death, and because it was a generally happy marriage, marriage was a natural way of life for me. but now, almost thirteen years later, i feel at this point in my life, i'm not certain i'd want to live with anyone again. this is a commentary on me rather than on him or any other relationship i might have had. i think this arrangement would not be especially desirable when younger, especially if children are part of the picture. but at my age, i feel this is very workable for us. i really don't feel we could feel any closer or connected if we lived together.


catsy girl
Perfect!! And smart
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Old 08-01-2014, 12:16 PM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,985,208 times
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Well we tried the LA, but we knew that if we were going to recommit to each other we wouldn't do an LAT. After all, how would he walk the dogs 3 x day, do most of the cooking and big household stuff, from afar? And he's never cleaned a bathroom or washed a floor in his life. Maybe we got back together for these mutual things we do for the other that we used to take for granted. He makes a great Italian dinner, and that wouldn't keep on a delivery route, lol. We are such creatures of habit, both bad and good, that along with the good I think we actually kinda missed the bad.
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Old 08-01-2014, 10:35 PM
 
Location: CO
2,455 posts, read 2,627,899 times
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We've been married for 47 years and took up separate residences 24 years ago. We vacation together, go out to eat together, and spend time at each other's houses. We live 5 miles apart. It works for us and even more so in retirement. He has somewhat of a difficult personality. If it gets to be a bit much, I go home.
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Old 08-01-2014, 11:02 PM
 
Location: Whereever we have our RV parked
8,797 posts, read 7,712,915 times
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I know two retired couples similar to this. In both cases the wife spends most of her time with the children and grandchildren, staying in their homes. One husband goes on many various hunting and outdoor adventures. The other husband has been living for the past four years in his son's summer home on a lake. I guess the couples see each other on weekends or in between visits to grandchildren
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Old 08-02-2014, 08:24 AM
mlb
 
Location: North Monterey County
3,184 posts, read 2,858,918 times
Reputation: 4879
Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post
Don't think so and I have pretty good intuition about such things.

With this couple in particular, there is plenty of money to maintain separate living quarters and doubtless plenty of money if they wished to split up assets. Obviously, they don't.

And . . . hard to keep outside relationships secret in a small town -- and a resort community where many of the homeowners have their primary home in the same town, lol.

Let's remember: not everyone is into sex at this stage of life. And sometimes, there are health issues (and medication) that can affect the ability to perform, as well.

I have known a lot of couples over the years and women have confided in me that they are in a sexless marriage -- but that this issue is not affecting their desire to maintain a household together. Nor were either interested in pursuing sex outside their marriages. There are more people "out there" not having sex but staying together than media would have us believe, especially when retired.

As one friend put it to me . . . "Our shared history, the kids and grandkids, our friends and church family - those are the things that we care about and that keep us together."

People may stay together despite a sexless marriage . . . and people aren't necessarily seeking a sexual relationship elsewhere when they spend time apart.

Interesting article and data here . . .

The Audacious Epigone: The older married couples are, the less frequently they have sex
I agree with this 100%. Don't believe the media hype.

I love my spouse - and would miss him if not living with him - but a separate bedroom is important for my sanity - at least while I am still working. And in our retirement home I will also have my own bedroom.

We have shared interests and then there are things he loves to do and I don't - not somuch. Same with me - I have friends and interests he could care less about.

I look to my parents and grandparents to know that it was the companionship that kept them together. Sexless does not mean there isn't intimacy nor sharing.
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