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Old 08-02-2014, 09:35 AM
 
Location: too far from the sea
19,830 posts, read 18,839,234 times
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It reminds me of Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt. She had her own little house on the grounds and that's where she really lived. Back when they lived together, she had this horrible MIL who had a bedroom right next to theirs--that alone is enough to make you want your own home. I think they both loved and admired each other, just didn't live together.
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Old 08-02-2014, 10:06 AM
 
Location: delaware
688 posts, read 864,170 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by in_newengland View Post
It reminds me of Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt. She had her own little house on the grounds and that's where she really lived. Back when they lived together, she had this horrible MIL who had a bedroom right next to theirs--that alone is enough to make you want your own home. I think they both loved and admired each other, just didn't live together.



i think they had affection for each other- love? i'm not so sure. from what i've, read the intimate part of their marriage was, from the beginning, a strain and a duty for eleanor and a disappointment for franklin. after their last child was born, around 1916, she ended any physical relationship with him, supposedly as a birth control measure. around this time he began his relationship with lucy mercer, which lasted, in some form, until his death. whether he would have become involved with lucy if he was still having relations with eleanor, my guess is yes, but we'll never know.

franklin's mother threatened to cut off franklin without a penny if he divorced eleanor, and he chose to stay. from that point on, especially so after contracting polio in 1921, their relationship was a partnership based on history,family/ children, and political ambition. i think he did admire eleanor but they were such distinctly different personalities, finding any commonality was difficult.

i love the roosevelt family history- teddy roosevelt included, and i'm looking forward to the ken burns special on franklin, eleanor, and theodore on pbs this fall.



catsy girl
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Old 08-02-2014, 10:55 AM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,969,510 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post
Don't think so and I have pretty good intuition about such things.

With this couple in particular, there is plenty of money to maintain separate living quarters and doubtless plenty of money if they wished to split up assets. Obviously, they don't.

And . . . hard to keep outside relationships secret in a small town -- and a resort community where many of the homeowners have their primary home in the same town, lol.

Let's remember: not everyone is into sex at this stage of life. And sometimes, there are health issues (and medication) that can affect the ability to perform, as well.

I have known a lot of couples over the years and women have confided in me that they are in a sexless marriage -- but that this issue is not affecting their desire to maintain a household together. Nor were either interested in pursuing sex outside their marriages. There are more people "out there" not having sex but staying together than media would have us believe, especially when retired.

As one friend put it to me . . . "Our shared history, the kids and grandkids, our friends and church family - those are the things that we care about and that keep us together."

People may stay together despite a sexless marriage . . . and people aren't necessarily seeking a sexual relationship elsewhere when they spend time apart.

Interesting article and data here . . .

The Audacious Epigone: The older married couples are, the less frequently they have sex
I guess it depends on how "sex" is defined, and how "loyalty" is defined.

I can envision an older couple being legally married, living apart, and one or both of them having emotionally close secret attachments to others that may not involve full-blown sex...but engaging in other intimacies such as sleeping together, eating and going places together, without the legal spouse(s) knowing. (IOW, these intimacies can be aside from actual "performance" ability.) These might be secret longtime "outside" relationships from younger years that get carried forward into senior years, and no one's the wiser (esp the other spouse, lol).

It seems that in many cases, a couple can create their own needed individual "space" from each other if they really want to while living together, legally married or not. If it's daily emotional distance they need, that's another thing.
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Old 08-02-2014, 12:31 PM
 
3,096 posts, read 1,717,786 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lost Roses View Post
We've been married for 47 years and took up separate residences 24 years ago. We vacation together, go out to eat together, and spend time at each other's houses. We live 5 miles apart. It works for us and even more so in retirement. He has somewhat of a difficult personality. If it gets to be a bit much, I go home. k:
Haha, yes!

i am gratified by all the responses, and so many so positive.
In our case we have never lived apart and the way we manage our finances, it would seem a waste to maintain two places so compromise and make do is what we have always done.

i have wanted to move to the city when we retired and the kids were all gone, but we could not agree on downsizing, mainly because he could not see living in a smaller space, dealing with parking issues, high rent or condo price. i love the theater, city life, museums, plays, cinema, all of it and he is happy doing all that in the suburbs.

it just occurred to me as i was driving home from meeting a friend in the city for lunch that i could sublet a furnished apartment for a month in the city. we can now afford it, although my husband would not agree, thinking of it as vacation money that can be better spent. i also think once i do it and go live there he would follow, LOL. we live in a great city and it is just lovely in summer with concerts, the river, parks etc. i would not want to live here in the winter.

i am now encourage to pursue this idea and bring it to fruition. thank you and please continue sharing your stories.
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Old 08-02-2014, 09:17 PM
 
Location: too far from the sea
19,830 posts, read 18,839,234 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by catsy girl View Post
i think they had affection for each other- love? i'm not so sure. from what i've, read the intimate part of their marriage was, from the beginning, a strain and a duty for eleanor and a disappointment for franklin. after their last child was born, around 1916, she ended any physical relationship with him, supposedly as a birth control measure. around this time he began his relationship with lucy mercer, which lasted, in some form, until his death. whether he would have become involved with lucy if he was still having relations with eleanor, my guess is yes, but we'll never know.

franklin's mother threatened to cut off franklin without a penny if he divorced eleanor, and he chose to stay. from that point on, especially so after contracting polio in 1921, their relationship was a partnership based on history,family/ children, and political ambition. i think he did admire eleanor but they were such distinctly different personalities, finding any commonality was difficult.

i love the roosevelt family history- teddy roosevelt included, and i'm looking forward to the ken burns special on franklin, eleanor, and theodore on pbs this fall.



catsy girl
catsy, you are an expert on these two. I'm waiting for the Ken Burns series too. Yes, I do remember reading that he admired her intelligence. She was no beauty, that's for sure. But they did stay married though apart.
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Old 08-02-2014, 10:22 PM
 
Location: california
5,654 posts, read 4,878,328 times
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My wife and I live apart, probably 13-14 years now. Still married, don't believe in divorce. I'm retired she's still living and working in another state.
There is no horsing around ,at least to my knowledge .
Sex was never that important to her, and I have developed a serious distrust for women, and I believe in keeping my vows.
So it works.
And still being married, is a barrier to keep women from getting ideas.
I am friendly with people but often times people misinterpret my openness .
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Old 08-04-2014, 10:58 AM
 
Location: SoCal
6,064 posts, read 9,524,350 times
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The poster (mural, more appropriately) married couple who lived apart were Diego Rivera and Frida Kahlo.

(The spoolchicken corrected that to rename her 'Friday'. Glad I caught that.)
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Old 08-04-2014, 09:27 PM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 67,147,825 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lost Roses View Post
We've been married for 47 years and took up separate residences 24 years ago. We vacation together, go out to eat together, and spend time at each other's houses. We live 5 miles apart. It works for us and even more so in retirement. He has somewhat of a difficult personality. If it gets to be a bit much, I go home.
I love this! My grandparents had a similar arrangement. My grandfather had a difficult personality, as well. They did everything together and she was his caretaker (he was quite ill at the end of his life). But they had separate quarters and I always thought it was very smart on my grandmother's part.
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Old 08-04-2014, 09:38 PM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 67,147,825 times
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Originally Posted by newenglandgirl View Post
I guess it depends on how "sex" is defined, and how "loyalty" is defined.

I can envision an older couple being legally married, living apart, and one or both of them having emotionally close secret attachments to others that may not involve full-blown sex...but engaging in other intimacies such as sleeping together, eating and going places together, without the legal spouse(s) knowing. (IOW, these intimacies can be aside from actual "performance" ability.) These might be secret longtime "outside" relationships from younger years that get carried forward into senior years, and no one's the wiser (esp the other spouse, lol).

It seems that in many cases, a couple can create their own needed individual "space" from each other if they really want to while living together, legally married or not. If it's daily emotional distance they need, that's another thing.
I think that is not commonplace . . . having an emotional affair without sex, unless it is in the workplace. And often, those relationships escalate to "affairs" that do include sex.

People who live apart are typically not interested in doing what the other person is doing in the second home. The couple I referenced -- the man is a golf enthusiast; his wife is not. He is out on the course all day. Why should she be with him when she has a home in a town fairly close by . . . and all her friends and pursuits are in that town?

Not everyone needs a lot of affection from his/her partner (sex or otherwise) . . . and many people find more emotional support from their kids, their friends -- and sometimes, from their work or volunteer pursuits.

I think very few relationships exist where folks are carrying on some romance secretly in the background (while staying married and either totally living apart or de facto separation). Most folks end up divorcing if they really feel they have found "the love of their lives" and want to spend all their time with that person. And let's remember - all these "other people" involved in affairs -- they have lives, too. It would be the very rare situation that two people happily have a secret relationship on the side while also having a spouse (or living alone!) for many years.

Few of us have the energy for that much intrigue, lol.
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Old 08-05-2014, 05:48 AM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,969,510 times
Reputation: 15649
Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post
I think that is not commonplace . . . having an emotional affair without sex, unless it is in the workplace. And often, those relationships escalate to "affairs" that do include sex.

People who live apart are typically not interested in doing what the other person is doing in the second home. The couple I referenced -- the man is a golf enthusiast; his wife is not. He is out on the course all day. Why should she be with him when she has a home in a town fairly close by . . . and all her friends and pursuits are in that town?

Not everyone needs a lot of affection from his/her partner (sex or otherwise) . . . and many people find more emotional support from their kids, their friends -- and sometimes, from their work or volunteer pursuits.

I think very few relationships exist where folks are carrying on some romance secretly in the background (while staying married and either totally living apart or de facto separation). Most folks end up divorcing if they really feel they have found "the love of their lives" and want to spend all their time with that person. And let's remember - all these "other people" involved in affairs -- they have lives, too. It would be the very rare situation that two people happily have a secret relationship on the side while also having a spouse (or living alone!) for many years.

Few of us have the energy for that much intrigue, lol.
It can be complicated, though. In my life I've known of two married couples, both quite wealthy, who live/lived apart but didn't want to divorce for "asset" reasons. They just didn't want to make the "living apart" legal by divorcing. One of these spouses (the one I happen to know of) did engage in another relationship under the guise of simply "living apart."

OTOH, one of my friends has lived together for many years with a man who is extremely wealthy (old family money, trust fund); they will never marry, she says, because he is obligated to keep his wealth within his family of origin. And who knows really how many legally married couples who have always lived together have some kind of short-term or longstanding affair going on outside the marriage. With something like 50% of marriages ending in divorce, that's probably a significant factor. When it comes to human affairs, I guess anything goes!
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