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Old 07-31-2014, 08:59 AM
 
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Have you considered it?
If you are you in such an arrangement, how is it working relationship wise?
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Old 07-31-2014, 11:39 AM
 
Location: State of Being
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I do know one couple who appear to have "fallen into" that sort of arrangement. He essentially stays most of the year at their second home. She stays at the main home, but they are only 2 hours apart and they still do family get togethers at the main house. Their grandchildren are grown now. He is a golf nut so he spends his time out on the course and in tournaments. In the winter, they go to church frequently together, so we all assume he comes back to the main house when golf season is basically over.

She is a retired and is active in her church, women's groups, book club, etc. Sometimes they have family get togethers at the second home (which is also a large home and can accommodate a lot of overnight guests). The wife has family in a nearby state and she sometimes spends time there - often with one of her daughters and/or grandchildren (large farm which she and her siblings inherited, with a full-time caretaker on the property).

Obviously, they are "well-heeled" and I think that is why their arrangement works so well. Folks who have resources don't have to worry about the financial impact of keeping up separate residences. They both seem very happy, well-adjusted people and even though we, her friends, are aware that they are basically not living together for most of the year, no one ever says anything about it. They accept "couple" invites when he is in town and all seems very pleasant - they are a nice couple to be around.

It appears to the observer that they basically live apart. Seems to be working for them. They still send out the "family Christmas card" with a group photo, lol. If either of them is involved with a third party, I have never heard that mentioned and it is difficult to do such things without gossip eventually "getting around." I think they both have found their niches and pursuits and so are enjoying their lives apart when apart -- and together, when together. :-)
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Old 07-31-2014, 06:26 PM
 
Location: Near a river
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Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post
It appears to the observer that they basically live apart. Seems to be working for them. They still send out the "family Christmas card" with a group photo, lol. If either of them is involved with a third party, I have never heard that mentioned and it is difficult to do such things without gossip eventually "getting around." I think they both have found their niches and pursuits and so are enjoying their lives apart when apart -- and together, when together. :-)
Sounds like "keeping up appearances" to me (and not wanting to split assets in divorce). I would bet there are some "other relationships" being nurtured in this arrangement.
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Old 07-31-2014, 06:46 PM
 
Location: Florida
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Originally Posted by newenglandgirl View Post
Sounds like "keeping up appearances" to me (and not wanting to split assets in divorce). I would bet there are some "other relationships" being nurtured in this arrangement.
This is exactly what I was also thinking.
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Old 07-31-2014, 07:03 PM
 
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They both seem very happy, well-adjusted people and even though we, her friends, are aware that they are basically not living together for most of the year, no one ever says anything about it. They accept "couple" invites when he is in town and all seems very pleasant - they are a nice couple to be around.
hmmm. both very happy and very apart. maybe not splitting asset is key to happiness?
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Old 07-31-2014, 07:10 PM
 
Location: SW MO
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Originally Posted by cb2008 View Post
hmmm. both very happy and very apart. maybe not splitting asset is key to happiness?
On the other hand, perhaps not marrying in the first place is.
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Old 07-31-2014, 07:19 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Curmudgeon View Post
On the other hand, perhaps not marrying in the first place is.
if you are not married you cannot live apart, which apparently can lead to happiness. it is not as crazy as it sounds. in retirement you have built a life together and have history to share. but now you can have all that and also some individualized space, which might have caused a lot of anxiety at an earlier stage of marriage like when the kids were still home.
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Old 08-01-2014, 01:21 AM
 
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The author of the Spencer novels, Robert Parker, and his wife lived somewhat apart. They shared a large duplex, and each did their own things most of the time.

My husband is also my best friend -- we just get each other, so I can't imagine being apart from him. Even saying that -- we spend a great deal of time isolated from each other in our house.
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Old 08-01-2014, 09:53 AM
 
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My late parents-in-law were married but did not live together most of the time. She had a condo in FL and he had an apartment in CT. She stayed with him in CT for a few months during each summer. It wasn't until she became really ill with Cancer that they lived together full-time and he became her caretaker. It was not a secret that they did not like each other.

On the other hand, there are a growing number of couples who subscribe to the "new family form" of Living Apart Together (LAT) and are very happy doing so. For them it is a lifestyle choice and not a measure of antipathy toward spouse.

Could You Live Apart, Together? | Psychology Today
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Old 08-01-2014, 10:09 AM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 67,135,316 times
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Originally Posted by newenglandgirl View Post
Sounds like "keeping up appearances" to me (and not wanting to split assets in divorce). I would bet there are some "other relationships" being nurtured in this arrangement.
Don't think so and I have pretty good intuition about such things.

With this couple in particular, there is plenty of money to maintain separate living quarters and doubtless plenty of money if they wished to split up assets. Obviously, they don't.

And . . . hard to keep outside relationships secret in a small town -- and a resort community where many of the homeowners have their primary home in the same town, lol.

Let's remember: not everyone is into sex at this stage of life. And sometimes, there are health issues (and medication) that can affect the ability to perform, as well.

I have known a lot of couples over the years and women have confided in me that they are in a sexless marriage -- but that this issue is not affecting their desire to maintain a household together. Nor were either interested in pursuing sex outside their marriages. There are more people "out there" not having sex but staying together than media would have us believe, especially when retired.

As one friend put it to me . . . "Our shared history, the kids and grandkids, our friends and church family - those are the things that we care about and that keep us together."

People may stay together despite a sexless marriage . . . and people aren't necessarily seeking a sexual relationship elsewhere when they spend time apart.

Interesting article and data here . . .

http://anepigone.blogspot.com/2009/0...-are-less.html

Last edited by brokensky; 08-01-2014 at 10:22 AM..
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