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Old 08-05-2014, 10:17 AM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 67,220,362 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by newenglandgirl View Post
We have in the past (and will again) had a wipe board on the kitchen wall with "tasks" that need completing. Just a general list with no assignments to either of us. When a task gets done, it gets wiped off. Sometimes we have our little games, like I wait to see how long it takes him to put a roll of tissue on the holder in the bathroom (it can sit on the canister wastebasket top for as long as 24 hrs, lol), and he sees how long it takes me to pick up my papers spread on the d.r. table so we can sit down to eat. We joke about it, it's no longer any issue. But there are a number of things I cannot physically do, so if he doesn't do these they don't get done. But he does. For every "task" on his side, there's one (or almost one) on mine. In some areas we don't cross over. Like bathrooms and washing floors. He's never done those but he does so much else I have no problem with it.
That is a very "neutral" way of handling tasks. I like that approach. I am going to get a wipe off board.
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Old 08-05-2014, 10:32 AM
 
Location: UpstateNY
8,612 posts, read 8,317,742 times
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I did most everything before and all of it now that he's disabled. He says thank you a lot.

When we worked in town I always drove. Same now.

If we need something from each other we ask. Nicely.
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Old 08-05-2014, 10:42 AM
 
Location: Chicago area
14,441 posts, read 7,945,283 times
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John retired over a year ago now and I had major anxiety about him being around 24/7. I was used to seeing him only 8 to 10 days a month. At first it was difficult to adjust to someone talking to me during my "quiet time" the first thing in the morning but I soon got used to it and besides morning hugs are the best. He took over the household chores and the cooking. He's my man wife Shhh, don't tell him I told you because he really hates being called that. I think it's cute because quite honestly there's nothing sexier then a man behind the kitchen sink or behind the vacuum cleaner. I've never been happier having done all or most of it for 29 years and work on income properties too. I finally understand why he was so happy all those years. It's enabled me to become a bigger workaholic too. I could never work all these hours if I had to do all the chores I did before as well. He was gone for a week last week and I have to confess that I really missed him a lot the first couple of nights. Then I really enjoyed my "me time." I guess it's all in what you get used to. I haven't signed up for any hours at work yet and I think I'm ready to live with him 24/7. We are still very much in love and I want to keep it that way because he really is the best thing that ever happened to me.
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Old 08-05-2014, 11:09 AM
 
Location: NC
720 posts, read 1,486,820 times
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We're in a smaller house now, and his tendency to not put things away makes clutter. I remind
him but more often just put stuff back . He's conscious of the changes and is asking me if I'm annoying him so we do discuss issues, like how I miss my alone time and I encourage him to do get out and do things. For 39 years he's worked 51/2 to 7 days a week, and never had the time or energy to pursue outside activities.
I think the biggest annoyance to me is his messiness and acting as if he's giving me permission to go places/do things/spend money. But I let him know my feelings. Acting as if he has the final say in everything has always been an issue. Currently our second car is not here, but once I have it, watch out! And the GPS! Hate the things. One time it told us to turn right, which would've put us in a field. He argued with me about it!!!! But he loves his GPS.
So it's not terrible. I've always been independeon POA/HOA boards because they just HAVE to be in charge. Not always a good thing.nt so he wouldn't dare give me a list of assignments. I've noticed those corporate types often end up
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Old 08-05-2014, 11:31 AM
 
Location: SW Florida
9,773 posts, read 7,057,711 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post
Are we friends in real life and just don't realize it? Cause I have been referring to the various "Fairies" in my life (and household) for my entire adult life. Amazing how they show up (or don't) lololol.

Yeah, I work for "fun" too. And at this point, hmmmmm, his retirement means I am the only one working so you would think the sanctity of my office and work time would be observed, with great respect.

I do realize that in my situation, hubby is dealing with post-surgery and with all sorts of meds that are not helping his attitude about his life. I am being as patient as I can, but some of this stuff -- micro-managing me in particular -- is NOT NEW.

I am seriously thinking about taking a job - any job! - full time - just to get out of the house. Of course, I am no longer 35 so who knows how easy it would be to get a job - doing anything, lol. But I won't know until I look.
Maybe, who knows? Or it could be that the "fairy" phenomenon is more common in families than we realize- I actually picked up the expression from a job I had many years ago- this was in a hospital laboratory where a certain (favored, let's say) employee just left the tasks she didn't like to others, with no thoughts as to who would do them, or when, or the fact that to ideally ensure the validity of all test results, these tasks had to be done with the regular workload. The task left most often was what we called "Quality Control"-(QC) in this case setting up bacteria with known susceptibilities to test antibiotics, when we did this testing on bacterial isolates from patient samples. The results were to be read the next day, and this person would read the patient results, but shove the QC plates in a corner, sometimes there'd be a week's worth of plates there, which by the time the "QC fairy" ( anyone else who knew those results should be read) read those results, they were meaningless. But that's where I got the concept.

Anyhow, while lots of folks think it's the best of both worlds to work at home, sometimes I wonder if that work isn't less valued by the folks who only observe others doing it, but don't participate themselves, just because it's done at home and not at a workplace outside the home? Maybe that sounds strange considering all anyone has to do is to look at you toiling by the hour and your results to see that you're as productive at home as you would be anywhere-without the interruptions maybe more so.

If I were in your boat, I'd likely try to get a job outside the home too, at least part-time, just to get away from that 24/7 oversight/micromanagement your DH seems to have adopted. That'd be for your own sanity, mainly, I'm not so sure your husband would think any more of a job outside the home than he does for your at-home work. But it'd be for you, not him. I think getting out would lessen the stress on you from that constant home environment too. And maybe you can leave your DH a "honey do" list- post it right next to the list he has left you!

As for your age, if you've got an in-demand skill set and experience, a positive attitude and you look young and energetic enough, it might not be all that difficult for you to find a job. They tell me there are employers who often look for older folks who have lots of experience, a proven history and excellent work ethics, so you just never know till you try. For what it's worth, I was downsized from a job when I was nearly 50 years old, but I found another job within two months after that, and worked in that job for close to 15 years before I retired- it was the skill set and experience, albeit the pay was close to 30% less than I had been making, but I got some good raises in the following years and the benefits were first class.

As for husbands' seemingly not valuing their wive's time, or their other efforts, my husband has tended to be somewhat that way. It's not because he doesn't love and respect me as a partner and an individual, he's given me ample evidence over the years of all that, and he continues to do so one way or another every day. And I feel the same way about him. I think we both consider our relationship as soulmates and committment to each other as a given and an anchor in this crazy world, and that's a huge comfort when you're getting older and things are changing.

But even with all that, I've always wondered if men weren't wired differently than women- and perhaps some of them have a competitive streak with regards to their wives- in that if they can't own ( ie, claim credit for) their wives accomplishments, they'll pretend these accomplishments don't exist- ie, the (plug in the task) fairy must take care of those things because somehow they're done, LOL. These guys, I think, instinctively tend to think of the world in terms of *their* personal contributions to it, their reactions to events, and not so much anyone else's, even those they love and hold dear. I know in my own husband's case he worked long and hard hours before he retired, and while he realized I worked and put in long hours too- as just part of the day- he always thought it was easier for me, perhaps because I didn't complain about it like he did. Or if I did, he'd let me know what he had to deal with was necessarily worse than mine- hence the "competition", I figure. Maybe it's part of an instinct to be the "alpha male"? What's helped us in our situations has been that we don't take anything too seriously these days, figure that we can roll with any punches and laugh at the incongruity of things. And compromise when that is called for. I think of the old saying "don't sweat the small stuff" often these days, and it's so true. That and the knowledge that as much as we might disagree about something at times, or as piZZed off as I might get about his being so oblivious sometimes to anything but his own "stuff", the underlying thought is that we do have each other's interests and welfare at heart.

So perhaps, in your situation, your husband isn't thinking of how much you're working, all he can think of is how he's not able to work, how he's going to channel his drive to be the "alpha male", and his need to control things? Not that he doesn't know what you're contributing, and your value ( for lack of a better word) as his wife and partner, but he's thinking of himself, not you- not that this makes things any better for either of you, I'd imagine.

Just some rambling thoughts on my part. The impressions I've gotten from all your posts on CD, are that you're a wise, well-spoken and educated woman with a great sense of humor and lots of experience, caught right now in a situation that is dragging you down. My hope is that you'll be able to resolve things in ways that benefit both you and your husband. I hope so, life is too short and you don't deserve to have to live with such frustration on a long term basis...
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Old 08-05-2014, 11:45 AM
 
Location: in the miseries
3,302 posts, read 3,585,481 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post
Glad you are in the kind of relationship you want, too.

I think you missed the part of my post that explains hubby's behavior has become difficult since major surgery, and with meds, etc and is exacerbated by his no longer working.

And yes, I think we deserve each other. He is a good man who is struggling with health issues as well as adjusting to no longer being "in charge" in a career.

Those things mean I am being as patient as I can muster, but understanding the "whys" doesn't make dealing with his behaviors easy. It is all very stress inducing.

I hope should you or your wife ever deal with such a constellation of circumstances, you will be able to transcend the daily stress and get your lives back on track, which can be quite challenging.
You said it very clearly.
Sometimes there have to be allowances made, but when to draw the line? Who knows only you.
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Old 08-05-2014, 11:46 AM
 
Location: Edina, MN, USA
6,956 posts, read 7,402,814 times
Reputation: 16299
Quote:
Originally Posted by Travelassie View Post
Just some rambling thoughts on my part. The impressions I've gotten from all your posts on CD, are that you're a wise, well-spoken and educated woman with a great sense of humor and lots of experience, caught right now in a situation that is dragging you down. My hope is that you'll be able to resolve things in ways that benefit both you and your husband. I hope so, life is too short and you don't deserve to have to live with such frustration on a long term basis...
I didn't copy the entire post but it was all excellent. Very well said.
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Old 08-05-2014, 11:47 AM
 
Location: in the miseries
3,302 posts, read 3,585,481 times
Reputation: 3810
Quote:
Originally Posted by CCc girl View Post
I did most everything before and all of it now that he's disabled. He says thank you a lot.

When we worked in town I always drove. Same now.

If we need something from each other we ask. Nicely.
Mine ver rarely says Thank You. I'm sorry never.
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Old 08-05-2014, 12:00 PM
 
Location: UpstateNY
8,612 posts, read 8,317,742 times
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lmh, do you say thank you? Goes both ways. If you do and he doesn't then I am sorry.

I could never trust a GPS. Took my moms BF waaaay out of the way to get here from Rochester. Like two and a half hours out of the way. Major fail.

Back in the day we would be side by side in the garage working on our cars. Dunno, we just worked well together. Dumb luck, thank you _____________(insert deity of choice)
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Old 08-05-2014, 01:44 PM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 67,220,362 times
Reputation: 22380
Quote:
Originally Posted by luvmyhoss View Post
You said it very clearly.
Sometimes there have to be allowances made, but when to draw the line? Who knows only you.
Yes, one has to be realistic about both physical healing (and meds and their influence) and psychic adjustment to a new lifestyle.

No easy answers but when you are a committed couple, it is a shared journey. How I will choose to cope with the stress -- not so sure, as it has been quite trying thus far. I have my usual arsenal of "stress busters" -- from meditation to long walks. But those things are not really helping my husband; they are simply giving me some space and peace.

We are very fortunate to have the concerned and engaged assistance of medical professionals, who have advised that personality changes under these circumstances are not that rare. It seems that it can take at least six months and maybe even a year before folks always get a grip on their new roles, health status, and start developing new coping skills.

I get frustrated but I also keep in mind that my husband was in heart failure at the time of his surgery. I feel very lucky that he survived. That doesn't lessen the daily frustration, but it does help to keep things in perspective.
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