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Old 08-07-2014, 09:56 AM
 
Location: Chicago area
14,370 posts, read 7,913,715 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by luvmyhoss View Post
I've been to counseling but not BH. Says he doesn't need it.

Oh oh one of those. Stubborn children aren't they sometimes. Does he realize that you're unhappy?
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Old 08-07-2014, 10:43 AM
 
Location: southwest TN
8,224 posts, read 14,921,460 times
Reputation: 14983
We have been retired for 2 years now and it gets better every day. Chores are done when they need to be done by whomever is available to do the chore. Mostly he does heavy stuff and I do the lighter stuff. Meals are mostly my responsibility because I love to cook for him and he appreciates my cooking. Cleanup is whomever gets to it first.

I do 99% of the driving because I prefer being the driver and he has some vision issues. He can drive and will if/when necessary - he drove all this past week as I was very ill.

To do lists are for us - each of us can put things on it and usually it's after consultation. Once in a while, he sets a to-do-item for me - because I'm the one who does it better - or vice versa.

We are together 90% of the time and couldn't be happier. Sure we have some issues from time to time - we are not clones so we disagree on some issues. If either of us gets a little worked up, the other simply says, "I love you" which defuses the emotions and we work through it.

We are still best friends after 2 years of togetherness and I can't see it being any different.
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Old 08-07-2014, 12:02 PM
 
Location: Toronto, Ottawa Valley & Dunedin FL
1,409 posts, read 2,353,783 times
Reputation: 1159
(To the OP and Ani, all the best with your struggles.)

My husband and I do pretty well sharing, although there are times when he comes across as being "put upon" when I mention something needs to be done. He copes less well with the routine drudgery of every day life than I (although neither of us cope well.) He is a prickly character generally, but I love him anyways.

But right now, we have a bit of a role-reversal. I'm the one recovering from heart surgery, and he has been my stalwart caregiver, chief cook and bottle washer, cat caregiver, chauffeur, pill-dispenser. I'm recovering nicely and am at the stage where I'm taking over some duties slowly. But I'm very grateful for all he's done and how positive he's been when he was under a great deal of stress fearing for my well-being.
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Old 08-07-2014, 12:11 PM
 
6,294 posts, read 3,566,992 times
Reputation: 21987
Quote:
Originally Posted by luvmyhoss View Post
I've been to counseling but not BH. Says he doesn't need it.
Sometimes this will work -

Remind him that when you're married if one of you has a problem, both of you have a problem. This is true.

DH and I have been married for forty-seven years now but we didn't get there without some help from time to time. There's "nothing wrong" with him either but he'd always come along to help me out. Then I just let the counselor handle the issue. Worked for us.
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Old 08-07-2014, 12:24 PM
 
Location: UpstateNY
8,612 posts, read 8,295,877 times
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Wwanderer, prayers to your recovery and us all.
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Old 08-07-2014, 02:20 PM
 
Location: Deep In The Heart of Texas
1,604 posts, read 1,270,176 times
Reputation: 3016
I'm retired but glad a got divorced a few years back cause I wouldn't be able to tolerate my spouse who more or less watched everything I did and told me how to do it the correct way (his way). Drove me crazy and drove me to leave him. For instance, how much water to put in the pet birds water bowl, watch me make an omelet and tell me what I'm doing wrong, but enjoying and eating it! I should take my shower in the afternoon like he does, no need to go to the dentist and get your teeth cleaned, after all he doesn't. What to watch on tv and how high/low the volume should be that suits him of course. Don't use the ceiling fans cause he gets cold! I could go on and on! It gets very annoying when you work a full time job, but to have to tolerate this 24/7 when retired......I think not!
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Old 08-08-2014, 06:43 AM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 67,141,087 times
Reputation: 22373
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wwanderer View Post
(To the OP and Ani, all the best with your struggles.)

My husband and I do pretty well sharing, although there are times when he comes across as being "put upon" when I mention something needs to be done. He copes less well with the routine drudgery of every day life than I (although neither of us cope well.) He is a prickly character generally, but I love him anyways.

But right now, we have a bit of a role-reversal. I'm the one recovering from heart surgery, and he has been my stalwart caregiver, chief cook and bottle washer, cat caregiver, chauffeur, pill-dispenser. I'm recovering nicely and am at the stage where I'm taking over some duties slowly. But I'm very grateful for all he's done and how positive he's been when he was under a great deal of stress fearing for my well-being.
Bless you, Wwanderer! I hope your recovery is going smoothly and you are feeling better daily!

You brought up a good point that hasn't been discussed -- the stress that goes along with pre-surgery concern (will my spouse survive the surgery?) and the stress that goes along with being the main caretaker, i.e., constant vigilance . . . and wanting to do all that is possible to see your spouse back on his/her feet, enjoying life again.

Recovery really is a process -- often frustrating for the "patient" whose world has been turned upside down. And for the caretaker, sheer exhaustion is also a factor for most folks.

Sending good wishes for your continued recovery and a future of happiness and new adventures for you and your hubby!
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Old 08-08-2014, 06:51 AM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 67,141,087 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lodestar View Post
Maybe it's true that we devolve as we age. The really heated discussions used to be about time, sex, money.

Now they're about "You're not the boss of me!"
It does seem to be a theme, not just on this thread!

Hubby and I had such a pleasant discussion about all this yesterday. He is coming to realize how autocratic he has been and he is thinking about the reasons for that (his need to be in control and how negative that is for me).

We all know that communication is key in any relationship, but when the landscape of our lives changes with retirement, we can stay stuck in old roles from work or revert to parental roles in our homes.

It sure happens. Recognizing what is going on and how we may be coping with no longer having a staff or projects to "manage" can be enlightening - and the first step to adjusting to life without a job (or with an empty nest). It is easy to slip into old familiar roles ("the boss" or "the parent") that are inappropriate for building a new life together in retirement.
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Old 08-08-2014, 10:51 AM
 
Location: SoCal desert
8,093 posts, read 13,225,721 times
Reputation: 14870
Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post
It does seem to be a theme, not just on this thread!

Hubby and I had such a pleasant discussion about all this yesterday. He is coming to realize how autocratic he has been and he is thinking about the reasons for that (his need to be in control and how negative that is for me).

We all know that communication is key in any relationship, but when the landscape of our lives changes with retirement, we can stay stuck in old roles from work or revert to parental roles in our homes.

It sure happens. Recognizing what is going on and how we may be coping with no longer having a staff or projects to "manage" can be enlightening - and the first step to adjusting to life without a job (or with an empty nest). It is easy to slip into old familiar roles ("the boss" or "the parent") that are inappropriate for building a new life together in retirement.
To borrow from a book genre - create a Safe Word for you to say to him when he gets um ... over-bearing.

My Ex and I were both party animals. Both of us could be very sarcastic. Sometimes the one of us would start to go too far (in the other's opinion), whether it was in words or actions. I could look at him and say 'Platypus', he would get a hint and no one around us was the wiser. He could do the same to me. Stopped a lot of hurt feelings (and arguments) the next morning.

(A free, un-asked for comment from the internet )
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Old 08-08-2014, 11:51 AM
 
Location: in the miseries
3,302 posts, read 3,577,670 times
Reputation: 3810
Quote:
Originally Posted by Littlelu View Post
I'm retired but glad a got divorced a few years back cause I wouldn't be able to tolerate my spouse who more or less watched everything I did and told me how to do it the correct way (his way). Drove me crazy and drove me to leave him. For instance, how much water to put in the pet birds water bowl, watch me make an omelet and tell me what I'm doing wrong, but enjoying and eating it! I should take my shower in the afternoon like he does, no need to go to the dentist and get your teeth cleaned, after all he doesn't. What to watch on tv and how high/low the volume should be that suits him of course. Don't use the ceiling fans cause he gets cold! I could go on and on! It gets very annoying when you work a full time job, but to have to tolerate this 24/7 when retired......I think not!
I have to say worse than my bh.
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