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Old 08-21-2014, 07:53 PM
 
Location: in the miseries
3,302 posts, read 3,583,976 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sharpydove View Post
We tell our younger friends that they better have a savings called "For kids AFTER college". All four of ours have degrees and all four work at least one job, but we have had two that did boomer-rang back for a couple of years.
This millennial group has it hard, I think. Lots of them are working very hard and they still can't afford their medical premiums. We help now and then with our two that struggle the most, but it's taken a chunk out of our savings since we did not plan on having to help adult children. My husband and I were raised that when you are 18, you are out. Good luck, we love you, but you're on your own.
That's the way I was raised, too.
Parents would help money wise or time wise, but move back home never.
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Old 08-22-2014, 10:30 AM
 
Location: Lakewood OH
21,698 posts, read 23,688,776 times
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This concerns my younger sister and I about our third sister. Third sister's son who is now in his 50's moved in with mom and stepdad about six-seven years ago and has made no effort to move out. He has gone from job to job but nothing has stuck. They were good jobs but he lost one due to his being caught with marijuana and another he quit because of "stress," i.e. they actually demanded a day's work from him.

So now he has a job as a courier he has just begun. My sister has been retired for some time now. My BIL is seven years younger with a great high paying job and wants to retire in a year or so. The problem is, when they do, where does "the kid" go? He doesn't earn enough to support himself especially in the nice condo in the expensive section in LA where they all live now.

She has another son who has a nice family and is doing well in another city. He is thoroughly disgusted with his brother and has told his mom to kick him out of her house now. He is probably the only one who has the right to say so. My other sister and I feel we would be interfering if we spoke up. Testing the waters every now and then we find our sister to be very defensive. She makes every excuse in the book for him.

Sister and BIL hope to relocate to a nice retirement area. We all want to see that happen but how can it with the albatross still living with them? The idea was that he get his life back on track. It isn't happening. This appears to be a cog in a future retirement just waiting to happen.

How does a parent say "Enough is enough?" Or more to the point, how do you get someone to see they have to? realistically, my sister and BIL will not be around forever to take care of my nephew. Even if they leave him a substantial amount of inheritance, he has been bailed out of debt so many times before by both his biological and step dads I have no doubt he will just squander it. Then there will be no mom and dad to run to.

I especially cannot speak up because I never had kids but I can recognize a trainwreck approaching when I see one. This just may be a cautionary tale for some who think that taking in their adult kids is a good idea. Of course it all depends upon the circumstances and the kids but I would strongly advise when deciding to take the kids back home, to have a plan as to how long the stay will be.
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Old 08-22-2014, 12:32 PM
 
Location: in the miseries
3,302 posts, read 3,583,976 times
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You are so right!
A friend took in her son and family 3 years ago.
He's working, but likes to gamble..
So not much hope.
She retired last year.
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Old 08-22-2014, 08:03 PM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 31,510,101 times
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We tried to be kind and supportive to one of my stepdaughters and her two young sons about two years ago. They were homeless on the left coast so we footed the bill for them to drive here and take up residence in our home. SD has always been problematic but managed to reel it in for all of two days before she reverted to type and became a negative and disruptive influence in our home which is a big no-no. After five weeks of putting up with her defiant behavior and attempts to turn her mother against me I invited them to leave. She tried to argue but I reminded her that this wasn't California and we have a strict castle doctrine which I would invoke if pushed. For once in her life she got smart and beat a hasty advance to the rear!

We know she's back in California, the boys are with their paternal grandfather, the father is (still) in prison and we strongly suspect she's in jail. She is no longer welcome in our home under any circumstances.
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Old 08-22-2014, 09:35 PM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic
25,087 posts, read 23,968,623 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gandalara View Post
I moved back in with my parents in my 20's (a long long time ago)
They still had the same rules as when I was 16.
You know those rules ... the ones that start with "While you are under our roof ..."

It was a big incentive to get out of there ASAP
Ha ha, my mother still gave me that mess when I was staying with her for a week when I was visiting. She tried to tell that I didn't know how to wash dishes when I was in my forties.

I moved out of and back into my parents house a couple of times. Truth be known, they wanted me to stay. I cut the lawn, shoveled snow, cooked dinner and a host of other things. When I left, they had to look at each other. They hadn't really done that in decades.
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Old 08-22-2014, 09:38 PM
 
35,108 posts, read 40,296,531 times
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My Mother told both of us that once we left there was no more room at the Inn so we had better be prepared for the worst case scenario financially and independently.
My Brother does live with her now but that is the better choice for both of them, she is handicapped and he is single so they share a home and expenses and he is there when she needs him.
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Old 08-22-2014, 09:38 PM
 
Location: southern california
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no the reverse is true. strong chance they will bring a GF and have a kid. your retirement is toast. when you fail to bring home the bacon you become the bacon.
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Old 08-23-2014, 03:35 AM
 
Location: We_tside PNW (Columbia Gorge) / CO / SA TX / Thailand
22,649 posts, read 40,020,325 times
Reputation: 23806
I have 3 friends in their late 50's who have spent $35,000 to $50,000 in court to get the custody of their grandchildren (from their Druggy / abusive parents). Ironically, each have subsequently lost their jobs and healthcare for their 'new' kids!
One grandparent got MS, and another a bone / joint disorder. Now... Uninsured with young kids, no job, too old to get a job, too sick to work.

Nothing EZ about life.... Since I had very wayward parents (elder care by me (and my kids) for 32 yrs, and $100,000's in personal notes I had to settle) I told my kids they best behave OUT ON THEIR OWN. (age 18 GONE, no payment / clothes, gas, cars, entertainment after age 12(they could get a job picking berries and cleaning barns at home, or at the neighbors (they preferred)).

So far so good, but it's not over till I'm UNDER (probably very soon)
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Old 08-23-2014, 05:18 AM
 
Location: in the miseries
3,302 posts, read 3,583,976 times
Reputation: 3810
Quote:
Originally Posted by Curmudgeon View Post
We tried to be kind and supportive to one of my stepdaughters and her two young sons about two years ago. They were homeless on the left coast so we footed the bill for them to drive here and take up residence in our home. SD has always been problematic but managed to reel it in for all of two days before she reverted to type and became a negative and disruptive influence in our home which is a big no-no. After five weeks of putting up with her defiant behavior and attempts to turn her mother against me I invited them to leave. She tried to argue but I reminded her that this wasn't California and we have a strict castle doctrine which I would invoke if pushed. For once in her life she got smart and beat a hasty advance to the rear!

We know she's back in California, the boys are with their paternal grandfather, the father is (still) in prison and we strongly suspect she's in jail. She is no longer welcome in our home under any circumstances.
I remember that traumatic time for you. Glad to hear you stuck to your guns.
Tough love is hard.
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Old 08-23-2014, 05:19 AM
 
Location: in the miseries
3,302 posts, read 3,583,976 times
Reputation: 3810
Quote:
Originally Posted by CSD610 View Post
My Mother told both of us that once we left there was no more room at the Inn so we had better be prepared for the worst case scenario financially and independently.
My Brother does live with her now but that is the better choice for both of them, she is handicapped and he is single so they share a home and expenses and he is there when she needs him.
My parents moved into a studio so there was NO room at the inn.
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