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Old 08-24-2014, 12:39 PM
 
Location: Albuquerque NM
1,659 posts, read 1,523,899 times
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I've told this story before but I have a friend with a 33 year old son who has lived with her for several years after his divorce. He now has a low paying job but has been out of work a couple of times for a year or so. If he has unemployment, he does not even look for a job. No interest in going to college or a trade school. The son was supposed to pay rent but rarely does so. Almost half of his money goes to child support for 3 kids. His car no longer works so he is using his mom's second vehicle, an old gas guzzling truck. The son does some of the home repairs but she has to nag him a lot. My friend is now paying for $5K of dental work for him as he has terrible teeth due both to genetic factors and lack of dental hygiene. The daughter tells her to kick him out but of course, she will not do so. One factor is she likes seeing grandchildren on his visitation days and she also likes his company to some extent. She and her other son have thought about buying a property together with a MIL quarters - a horse property out of town with acreage. But the daughter in law is concerned that my friend will allow the other son to move and is tired of his mooching. We keep hoping he will get a girlfriend and move out with her but no such luck.
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Old 08-24-2014, 02:11 PM
 
Location: Lakewood OH
21,699 posts, read 23,661,739 times
Reputation: 35449
Quote:
Originally Posted by ABQ2015 View Post
I've told this story before but I have a friend with a 33 year old son who has lived with her for several years after his divorce. He now has a low paying job but has been out of work a couple of times for a year or so. If he has unemployment, he does not even look for a job. No interest in going to college or a trade school. The son was supposed to pay rent but rarely does so. Almost half of his money goes to child support for 3 kids. His car no longer works so he is using his mom's second vehicle, an old gas guzzling truck. The son does some of the home repairs but she has to nag him a lot. My friend is now paying for $5K of dental work for him as he has terrible teeth due both to genetic factors and lack of dental hygiene. The daughter tells her to kick him out but of course, she will not do so. One factor is she likes seeing grandchildren on his visitation days and she also likes his company to some extent. She and her other son have thought about buying a property together with a MIL quarters - a horse property out of town with acreage. But the daughter in law is concerned that my friend will allow the other son to move and is tired of his mooching. We keep hoping he will get a girlfriend and move out with her but no such luck.
Baloney! He's the type of guy who will get a girlfriend and she will move in with him. Then your friend will have even more people to support. She needs to change the locks on her doors.
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Old 08-24-2014, 02:27 PM
 
Location: in the miseries
3,302 posts, read 3,579,301 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PeachSalsa View Post
My kids are still in college, but all have good areas of study and have had solid, well paid internships, so I am fairly confident they will find decent jobs upon graduation. With that said, if they have gainful employment and choose to save money by living at home (assuming they would accept positions nearby my home - not likely at this point, since their areas of interest are not near me), I would allow them to do so in a heartbeat! They would have to pay their own insurance bills, phone bill portions (we're on a family plan now), etc. They'd pay towards food, do work around the house (much as they already do now when they are home for summer or holidays), etc.

I own a large home and otherwise, the space goes unused, so if they would want to use it, all the power to them. I have zero interest in moving, as I live in a wonderful neighborhood and my job is a few miles away - walkable if wanted, but I usually have too much stuff to carry back and forth, so I drive.

I would not allow them to be lazy, playing video games all day. They'd have to be employed or actively looking for employment for this to work.
That's the way it should be. Good for you.
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Old 08-25-2014, 06:03 AM
 
3,996 posts, read 3,219,096 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PeachSalsa View Post
My kids are still in college, but all have good areas of study and have had solid, well paid internships, so I am fairly confident they will find decent jobs upon graduation. With that said, if they have gainful employment and choose to save money by living at home (assuming they would accept positions nearby my home - not likely at this point, since their areas of interest are not near me), I would allow them to do so in a heartbeat! They would have to pay their own insurance bills, phone bill portions (we're on a family plan now), etc. They'd pay towards food, do work around the house (much as they already do now when they are home for summer or holidays), etc.

I own a large home and otherwise, the space goes unused, so if they would want to use it, all the power to them. I have zero interest in moving, as I live in a wonderful neighborhood and my job is a few miles away - walkable if wanted, but I usually have too much stuff to carry back and forth, so I drive.

I would not allow them to be lazy, playing video games all day. They'd have to be employed or actively looking for employment for this to work.
That sounds good in theory. Ive read about a bazillion posts that said the same thing, and then end up with the kid moved in, got lazy, and the parent or parents had no way to kick them out. Im not saying it never works, but often times kids will say and agree to anything to get back in the house. From there its a difficult road to get them out.
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Old 08-25-2014, 07:26 AM
 
Location: Verde Valley AZ
8,618 posts, read 9,680,515 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gandalara View Post
I moved back in with my parents in my 20's (a long long time ago)
They still had the same rules as when I was 16.
You know those rules ... the ones that start with "While you are under our roof ..."

It was a big incentive to get out of there ASAP
Before any of us ever left home...and I was the first in 1960...our parents told us flat out, "Once you are gone you are GONE, no moving back". Well, I took them seriously but over the years it turned out that they were more flexible than that. lol Oh yeah, and no borrowing money either! That was also bunk because they loaned my brothers many thousands of dollars over the years or just outright gave it to them. I never asked and they never offered. I did stay with them for a short time when I first came home from MI in 1977 but, even then, I was too independent to stay with them.
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Old 08-25-2014, 08:54 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
23,579 posts, read 17,561,360 times
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I was one of the boomerang kids. I bounced some between SC and TN during college and didn't graduate until I was 24. I moved to Iowa at 25 and came back in a year - didn't like the job, the state, or the people. I stayed at home last year (making $12/hr or less most of the time) until I got a good job in Indiana and was able to move. I have no intentions of coming back home, but who knows what happens down the line.
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Old 08-26-2014, 10:01 PM
 
Location: Lakewood OH
21,699 posts, read 23,661,739 times
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At the time when I was approaching homelessness due to a layoff and not being able to find work, my dad had passed away and my mom was living in an assisted care home. My savings were all used up and I only had enough for one more month's rent. I didn't have mom and dad to go home to. Had I not gotten a job at the 11th hour, I would have taken an offer of a friend who said I could stay with her until I found one.

I consider myself very lucky to have had this good friend and even more lucky to have gotten a job just when I was down to my last dollar. So what do these adult kids do if mom and dad aren't around for them to move back in with?
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Old 08-26-2014, 10:30 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,018 posts, read 17,735,102 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Minervah View Post
At the time when I was approaching homelessness due to a layoff and not being able to find work, my dad had passed away and my mom was living in an assisted care home. My savings were all used up and I only had enough for one more month's rent. I didn't have mom and dad to go home to. Had I not gotten a job at the 11th hour, I would have taken an offer of a friend who said I could stay with her until I found one.

I consider myself very lucky to have had this good friend and even more lucky to have gotten a job just when I was down to my last dollar. So what do these adult kids do if mom and dad aren't around for them to move back in with?
Excellent points. Those of us with a support system tend to take that support system for granted, even if it's rarely used or not used at all. Sometimes good friends will do just fine if parents are no longer in the picture (or in need of support themselves). That was the case with you; a good friend would have provided a place to stay.

Often friends provide support in non-emergency situations, such as a ride home from the hospital after surgery, or help on moving day. I have both helped others and been helped myself in both situations.

It's good to know someone has our back, whether that someone is parents or a good friend or two. This is true even if one has a very independent nature, as in my case. When I started graduate school, my father inquired if I needed any "help" in order to continue my education. I thanked him for his offer but declined it, as my graduate teaching assistantship provided me enough to live on, and I was PROUD and pleased to be on my own financially. I never looked back, financially speaking.

But if things had good terribly wrong in some way, it would have been a nice feeling to know that something stood between me and homelessness.
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Old 08-27-2014, 04:45 PM
 
3,090 posts, read 820,707 times
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OP - I've realized that the premise of your original post was that a move back-in would negatively impact retirement. I'm new here, and now not sure if these questions are "hijacking"? If so … I can start a new thread. Thanks !!!

Anyone interested in discussing the cultural aspects about why it is expected that adult children in America will live separately from their parents? Not terribly long ago it was not at all unusual for an adult daughter, often unmarried, to assume the role of caretaker. Or for one of the sons to take over the family farm where the parents then lived out their lives. A few generations of industrialization and prosperity has led to different patterns, at least here in America. (Not so, for example, in Italy.)

Too, what are the major concern(s) of parents if their adult offspring do not immediately establish separate households (assuming there is adequate space)? I see above one poster mentioned the fear the kids would become "lazy."

My kid is still a teen not yet in college but we live in a large metro area with great transportation so long-term living at home doesn't pose any logistical difficulties. So far she's not interested in following the patterns of her friends in trying for college-acceptances located some distance away. Many of my friends seem surprised that I'm just fine with that.

Last edited by EveryLady; 08-27-2014 at 04:59 PM..
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Old 08-28-2014, 04:18 AM
 
Location: in the miseries
3,302 posts, read 3,579,301 times
Reputation: 3810
It seems many adult children with offspring return to the parents home.
Some intend to get back out on their own, but a lot just want to laze around
And have Mom take care of them again.
Farm families were different, houses were built on site to accommodate children.
Caretakers are different, too.
I'm talking about the leeches.
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