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Old 08-28-2014, 01:19 PM
 
14,251 posts, read 23,969,886 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Debliah View Post
Anyone interested in discussing the cultural aspects about why it is expected that adult children in America will live separately from their parents? Not terribly long ago it was not at all unusual for an adult daughter, often unmarried, to assume the role of caretaker. Or for one of the sons to take over the family farm where the parents then lived out their lives. A few generations of industrialization and prosperity has led to different patterns, at least here in America. (Not so, for example, in Italy.)

Too, what are the major concern(s) of parents if their adult offspring do not immediately establish separate households (assuming there is adequate space)? I see above one poster mentioned the fear the kids would become "lazy."

I will try to answer your questions (while not getting pillared for my response) or getting banned from this forum.

1) I would never remain in my parents' household. As long as you live in your parents' household, you live by THEIR rules and they have a say or an opinion in everything including how you live and who you date and the like. That is even if you are working AND paying your fair share of living expenses.

2) There is a certain level of maturity that is gained by moving out and having to pay for your own expenses (rent, utilities, etc.). Yes, I have friends who still live with their parents in their 50s and are pretty immature for their age.

3) My grandfather opposed social security in the 1930s when it was implemented (and he never accepted a social security payment in his life to age 84). He believed that social security would relieve their children of the responsibility to care for their parents as they aged. I think that he was to some degree correct.

By the way, it stinks to be the child that takes care of an aging parent. You do 95% of the work yet fellow siblings want to get a share of the say in all decisions. And occasionally as the "parent" of your parents, you get written out of the will or are disinherited.
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Old 08-28-2014, 01:34 PM
 
Location: in the miseries
3,302 posts, read 3,577,100 times
Reputation: 3810
Taking care has it's own rewards, though.
But you should get your fair share of any assets.
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Old 09-01-2014, 08:31 AM
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
56,000 posts, read 54,493,040 times
Reputation: 66339
Quote:
Originally Posted by jlawrence01 View Post
I will try to answer your questions (while not getting pillared for my response) or getting banned from this forum.

1) I would never remain in my parents' household. As long as you live in your parents' household, you live by THEIR rules and they have a say or an opinion in everything including how you live and who you date and the like. That is even if you are working AND paying your fair share of living expenses.

2) There is a certain level of maturity that is gained by moving out and having to pay for your own expenses (rent, utilities, etc.). Yes, I have friends who still live with their parents in their 50s and are pretty immature for their age.

3) My grandfather opposed social security in the 1930s when it was implemented (and he never accepted a social security payment in his life to age 84). He believed that social security would relieve their children of the responsibility to care for their parents as they aged. I think that he was to some degree correct.

By the way, it stinks to be the child that takes care of an aging parent. You do 95% of the work yet fellow siblings want to get a share of the say in all decisions. And occasionally as the "parent" of your parents, you get written out of the will or are disinherited.
This is what happened to my BIL. He was married before and has two adult children. He had two sisters, one of whom also had two adult children, and the other was a very overweight, unpleasant, constant complainer who never married or had kids. She was the oldest and always made known her opinions about what the other two should do.

My BIL's father developed Alzheimer's, and the family decided that they didn't want strangers coming into the house taking care of Dad. Even though the single sister was an RN, she decided it was best if "Bill" took care of Dad as much as possible. He started taking off from his accounting job to take his father to the doctor or handle medical crises, and when his company was reorganizing, he was the first to be let go because he had taken so much time off. He then moved into his parents' house to help take care of them so that "Dad" could stay in his own home and pee on his own carpets and furniture. He would go home once or twice a week to the house where he and my sister were living.

Then his mother developed cancer and was dead in two months. The father died within a year after the mother and now my BIL, strapped for cash and running out of unemployment, told his sisters that he wanted to get moving on cleaning out the parents' house so they could sell it and split the money--at which point, the mean sister informed him, "Oh no, Mom and Dad left everything to ME. You two have children to take care of you in your old age. I have no one. I get the house, the savings, everything." They found the will, and she wasn't lying. His parents had completely cut out my BIL and his other sister, and although they couldn't prove it, it was likely at the suggestion of their other sister.

Sometimes life works out, though. The house got sold, and mean sister got the money. My BIL asked her for some money to help him buy a car, and she made him sign a promissory note and make payments. They were just finishing settling the parents' medical bills and closing out the estate when mean sister dropped dead of a stroke at the age of 63. The RN had high blood pressure and diabetes and was getting treatment for neither.

Not only do my BIL and his living sister inherit what's left of the parents' estate, but they are also their sister's next of kin and her house and savings belong to them now, too.
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Old 09-01-2014, 09:19 AM
 
Location: Florida -
8,760 posts, read 10,829,371 times
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Birds and other animals will either 'kick young birds out of the nest' or 'simply abandon the young ones' when it is time for them to be on their own. IMO, human parents who are unwilling to 'let go', wind-up with 'boomerang kids' whom the parents are unable to get out of the home. These parents often cloak their reluctance to 'let go' in magnanimous-sounding terms like, "If things don't work-out, you can always move back-in with us" -- or "I certainly don't want to see you living on the streets." I've seen families that took that approach ... and literally ALL of their 'kids' came back home when life got a little tough! (and kept coming back!).

Not sure whether there is a connection, but, some of these 'boomerang kids' also got meaningless, liberal arts degrees - with which they could not seem to earn a living. I've sometimes wondered if both of these situations do not stem from a lack of parental guidance ... OR a parent's desire to keep their 'kids' depending on them. In at least one case, the parents ultimately sold their home and moved away ... so they could afford to retire and free themselves of constant responsibility for their kids/grandkids. -- And the 'kids' finally got their lives on track!

Similarly, we live in a 'welfare society' where people feel "entitled to not work, and/or to live-off the work of others." We should take care of children and disabled members of our society. But, creating a "we'll take care of you whether you work or not environment" in our homes or society, breeds an unhealthy dependency that doesn't really help anyone!
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Old 09-01-2014, 03:31 PM
 
Location: in the miseries
3,302 posts, read 3,577,100 times
Reputation: 3810
Quote:
Originally Posted by jghorton View Post
Birds and other animals will either 'kick young birds out of the nest' or 'simply abandon the young ones' when it is time for them to be on their own. IMO, human parents who are unwilling to 'let go', wind-up with 'boomerang kids' whom the parents are unable to get out of the home. These parents often cloak their reluctance to 'let go' in magnanimous-sounding terms like, "If things don't work-out, you can always move back-in with us" -- or "I certainly don't want to see you living on the streets." I've seen families that took that approach ... and literally ALL of their 'kids' came back home when life got a little tough! (and kept coming back!).

Not sure whether there is a connection, but, some of these 'boomerang kids' also got meaningless, liberal arts degrees - with which they could not seem to earn a living. I've sometimes wondered if both of these situations do not stem from a lack of parental guidance ... OR a parent's desire to keep their 'kids' depending on them. In at least one case, the parents ultimately sold their home and moved away ... so they could afford to retire and free themselves of constant responsibility for their kids/grandkids. -- And the 'kids' finally got their lives on track!

Similarly, we live in a 'welfare society' where people feel "entitled to not work, and/or to live-off the work of others." We should take care of children and disabled members of our society. But, creating a "we'll take care of you whether you work or not environment" in our homes or society, breeds an unhealthy dependency that doesn't really help anyone!
I ve seen this in my own family. Sister took in son, wife and child temporarily. 18 years later........
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Old 09-02-2014, 01:17 PM
 
1,198 posts, read 1,574,226 times
Reputation: 779
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801 View Post
This is what happened to my BIL. He was married before and has two adult children. He had two sisters, one of whom also had two adult children, and the other was a very overweight, unpleasant, constant complainer who never married or had kids. She was the oldest and always made known her opinions about what the other two should do.

My BIL's father developed Alzheimer's, and the family decided that they didn't want strangers coming into the house taking care of Dad. Even though the single sister was an RN, she decided it was best if "Bill" took care of Dad as much as possible. He started taking off from his accounting job to take his father to the doctor or handle medical crises, and when his company was reorganizing, he was the first to be let go because he had taken so much time off. He then moved into his parents' house to help take care of them so that "Dad" could stay in his own home and pee on his own carpets and furniture. He would go home once or twice a week to the house where he and my sister were living.

Then his mother developed cancer and was dead in two months. The father died within a year after the mother and now my BIL, strapped for cash and running out of unemployment, told his sisters that he wanted to get moving on cleaning out the parents' house so they could sell it and split the money--at which point, the mean sister informed him, "Oh no, Mom and Dad left everything to ME. You two have children to take care of you in your old age. I have no one. I get the house, the savings, everything." They found the will, and she wasn't lying. His parents had completely cut out my BIL and his other sister, and although they couldn't prove it, it was likely at the suggestion of their other sister.

Sometimes life works out, though. The house got sold, and mean sister got the money. My BIL asked her for some money to help him buy a car, and she made him sign a promissory note and make payments. They were just finishing settling the parents' medical bills and closing out the estate when mean sister dropped dead of a stroke at the age of 63. The RN had high blood pressure and diabetes and was getting treatment for neither.

Not only do my BIL and his living sister inherit what's left of the parents' estate, but they are also their sister's next of kin and her house and savings belong to them now, too.
Wow. If you believe in karma, this story if full of it.
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Old 09-02-2014, 01:20 PM
 
1,198 posts, read 1,574,226 times
Reputation: 779
Quote:
Originally Posted by jlawrence01 View Post
3) My grandfather opposed social security in the 1930s when it was implemented (and he never accepted a social security payment in his life to age 84). He believed that social security would relieve their children of the responsibility to care for their parents as they aged. I think that he was to some degree correct.

.
Why? Your kids didn't ask you/parents to bring them into the world. I'll take care of my parents as best as I can, but because I want to.
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Old 09-03-2014, 08:26 PM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 31,463,318 times
Reputation: 29071
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wolfpacker View Post
Why? Your kids didn't ask you/parents to bring them into the world. I'll take care of my parents as best as I can, but because I want to.
You must be very young because that has been a juvenile argument for generations.

Last edited by Curmudgeon; 09-03-2014 at 08:37 PM..
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Old 09-04-2014, 01:42 PM
 
1,198 posts, read 1,574,226 times
Reputation: 779
Quote:
Originally Posted by Curmudgeon View Post
You must be very young because that has been a juvenile argument for generations.
No...your kids aren't your caretakers just because YOU brought them into the world. I will take care of my parents when they need it, because I want to, not because I have to.
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