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Old 09-11-2014, 02:10 PM
 
Location: St. George, Utah
756 posts, read 884,152 times
Reputation: 1971

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Quote:
Originally Posted by MrRational View Post
But if you're involved with -living a life with- -sharing a home and laundry basket with-
someone who then has a medical condition arise which requires effort beyond making
a pot of chicken soup to remedy... choices that transcend money will have to be made.

Having something to base those choices on clearly articulated in advance will help.
As same-sex couples knew for years, it is just as important to have such plans in writing and legally protected to prevent family members outside the relationship from interfering as to clarify between the two lovebirds.

I think we all know stories of one partner being shut out by family members when a medical event occurred. My great uncle, having lost his beloved wife, years later met and moved in with a woman he also loved dearly. They were both in their early 70s. Things he said (and knowing that he was old-fashioned and gentlemanly above all) led me to believe that he wanted to marry, but she didn't. Neither of their sets of children was really keen on seeing their late parent replaced, but all seemed to accept the relationship as it was, and the couple was really lovely together.

Well, it seemed practical for all the reasons listed in this thread that they not marry and overcomplicate things.

But they also didn't clarify either of their rights in the relationship.

After almost 20 years together, she had a medical event (heart attack, I think) that landed her in the hospital. In swooped her children, moving her to another hospital with NO FORWARDING INFORMATION. While my uncle was able to track her down the first time, he was granted no contact with her and had no legal standing. Then they moved her out of state literally without a further word. My uncle was heartbroken.

I know he wrote letters and sent them to one of the children's address. Eventually he gave up.

We still don't know why they would do such a drastic and cruel thing. My uncle was in every way a wonderful, warm, intelligent, charming, hard-working, very kind man. Did I mention handsome and funny? Truly. The kind of guy you'd really want your widowed mother to find and shack up with, lol. My cousins tried for a time to get some explanation to no avail. Shut out completely and immediately. My uncle had no recourse. Who knows what they told her, or what her mental state was. It was completely bizarre.

When my uncle died last winter, about 3 years later, he still had no idea if his love was dead or alive.

We figure there must have been significant money involved for people to behave that way. I hope it was a lot of money. There was no finer guy than my uncle, and I'm sure they knew that. But as I understand it he was never any threat to their inheritance, if that was the issue.



Doesn't "common law" come into this somewhere? I mean, isn't there a point where the law considers you married, whether it was formalized or not? Or is that only if you WANT the law to consider you so? Do you have to have children together to be considered married under common law? Off to google...

ETA: No, I guess common-law marriage is neither automatically nor commonly recognized. To the law, you're just roommates even after 20 years! Which I guess is the point of doing it that way.
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Old 09-11-2014, 03:53 PM
 
Location: SW Florida
9,759 posts, read 7,038,572 times
Reputation: 14295
Quote:
Originally Posted by Montanama View Post
As same-sex couples knew for years, it is just as important to have such plans in writing and legally protected to prevent family members outside the relationship from interfering as to clarify between the two lovebirds.

I think we all know stories of one partner being shut out by family members when a medical event occurred. My great uncle, having lost his beloved wife, years later met and moved in with a woman he also loved dearly. They were both in their early 70s. Things he said (and knowing that he was old-fashioned and gentlemanly above all) led me to believe that he wanted to marry, but she didn't. Neither of their sets of children was really keen on seeing their late parent replaced, but all seemed to accept the relationship as it was, and the couple was really lovely together.

Well, it seemed practical for all the reasons listed in this thread that they not marry and overcomplicate things.

But they also didn't clarify either of their rights in the relationship.

After almost 20 years together, she had a medical event (heart attack, I think) that landed her in the hospital. In swooped her children, moving her to another hospital with NO FORWARDING INFORMATION. While my uncle was able to track her down the first time, he was granted no contact with her and had no legal standing. Then they moved her out of state literally without a further word. My uncle was heartbroken.

I know he wrote letters and sent them to one of the children's address. Eventually he gave up.

We still don't know why they would do such a drastic and cruel thing. My uncle was in every way a wonderful, warm, intelligent, charming, hard-working, very kind man. Did I mention handsome and funny? Truly. The kind of guy you'd really want your widowed mother to find and shack up with, lol. My cousins tried for a time to get some explanation to no avail. Shut out completely and immediately. My uncle had no recourse. Who knows what they told her, or what her mental state was. It was completely bizarre.

When my uncle died last winter, about 3 years later, he still had no idea if his love was dead or alive.

We figure there must have been significant money involved for people to behave that way. I hope it was a lot of money. There was no finer guy than my uncle, and I'm sure they knew that. But as I understand it he was never any threat to their inheritance, if that was the issue.



Doesn't "common law" come into this somewhere? I mean, isn't there a point where the law considers you married, whether it was formalized or not? Or is that only if you WANT the law to consider you so? Do you have to have children together to be considered married under common law? Off to google...

ETA: No, I guess common-law marriage is neither automatically nor commonly recognized. To the law, you're just roommates even after 20 years! Which I guess is the point of doing it that way.
Apparently it's just a few states ( I think I read nine) that recognize common law marriages. Here's a site that explains the details pretty well:

Common Law Marriage | Nolo.com
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Old 09-12-2014, 08:51 AM
 
13,320 posts, read 25,569,771 times
Reputation: 20505
Quote:
Originally Posted by JIMANDTHOM View Post
My husband and I (same sex) just got married after 40 years together.
Congratulations!

Equal marriage has been legal in my state for over ten years, but a friend just married her wife last year after some 35 years together. It was an emotional decision, although of course there are financial effects. They seem unfazed and are happy with their status. (Happy anniversary, MJ and Lorraine!)
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Old 09-12-2014, 10:01 AM
 
Location: in the miseries
3,302 posts, read 3,581,162 times
Reputation: 3810
My relative has a 7 year girlfriend. I asked recently, why don't you get married? Her answer
well we're not going to have children so why bother. She's extremely wealthy and they spend 95% of their time in her mansion.
Jim has a house that sits empty most of the time.
He wants someplace to go in case he gets thrown out.
Both late 60s. Jim has significant assets, too.
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Old 09-12-2014, 10:52 AM
 
Location: Central Massachusetts
4,800 posts, read 4,848,939 times
Reputation: 6379
Exactly. Find a rich girlfriend. That is for me!!
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Old 09-12-2014, 10:59 AM
 
Location: in the miseries
3,302 posts, read 3,581,162 times
Reputation: 3810
Anther relative Annie got married in her 70s.
If her hubby dies while their in PR his previous family will inherit half of
hER assets.
Don't get that.
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Old 09-12-2014, 05:35 PM
 
Location: At the Lake (in Texas)
2,070 posts, read 2,036,182 times
Reputation: 5032
Quote:
Originally Posted by yellowsnow View Post
I just re-read the divorce thread and started thinking. Dangerous thing that thinking.

Has anyone gotten re-married after 60? And how much did it actually cost you? I have heard many seniors live together because getting married would cost so much in SS benefits. Did you find this to be true?

It's also true that 60 yo means you don't have to worry about children from the marriage so that argument no longer works. Were you able to just do it or do the money concerns preclude saying "I do.".

Why in the WORLD would anyone over 60 even NEED to get married? I see no point in it, but that's just me.
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Old 09-12-2014, 06:23 PM
 
Location: SW Florida
9,759 posts, read 7,038,572 times
Reputation: 14295
Quote:
Originally Posted by luvmyhoss View Post
My relative has a 7 year girlfriend. I asked recently, why don't you get married? Her answer
well we're not going to have children so why bother. She's extremely wealthy and they spend 95% of their time in her mansion.
Jim has a house that sits empty most of the time.
He wants someplace to go in case he gets thrown out.
Both late 60s. Jim has significant assets, too.
Kinda sounds like they are waiting for something to happen. Maybe they don't know what, exactly, but something..
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Old 09-12-2014, 06:25 PM
 
Location: The Triad (NC)
28,502 posts, read 62,199,370 times
Reputation: 32182
Quote:
Originally Posted by MagnoliaThunder View Post
Why in the WORLD would anyone over 60 even NEED to get married?
I see no point in it, but that's just me.
No one UNDER 60 needs to get married either.
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Old 09-12-2014, 06:26 PM
 
Location: SW Florida
9,759 posts, read 7,038,572 times
Reputation: 14295
Quote:
Originally Posted by yellowsnow View Post
I figured some one would bring up the health issue. And it makes sense. I've been thinking about it.

If my live in gets sick, they can take his assets but not mine. Because we are not married there is no community property. Yet we could still be joint tenants on the house so if I die, the home goes to him. I think neither of us can be ruined because the other gets sick and requires some sort of LTC.

After reading the replies I am thinking marriage is a losing proposition for older people. One thing that really hasn't been discussed is how much SS benefits you lose by getting married.
Apparently you don't lose SS benefits if you're over 60 when you marry.
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