Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
....I guess I thought we were closer than we really were. She has many friends and is a extremely social person and has a "gift" for making everybody feel that she is close to them so there's lots of mixed messages going on. A few years ago she reunited with some high school girlfriends and I got kicked to the curb (or at least dropped a rung or two on the friendship ladder), then recently she reunited with a friend who had dumped her over 15 years ago, and they are now joined at the hip. I've had to do a lot of soul searching about this and still haven't come to a real conclusion. I can't imagine her not being in my life at some level but it doesn't feel real good....I always feel she is squeezing me in to her very busy social schedule and she talks a lot about her other friends and what they are doing together, etc. But she is a good soul and I do appreciate her good qualities, but things have changed.
This describes my (apparently former) Friend A to a "T." I do not think she will miss our friendship as much as I will. I really feel, these past few years, that I have been more and more of a calendar fill-in, and the tension of listening to her talk about others and her never showing interest in me or my take on anything has drained me more and more. A good soul, as you say, but someone who is insecure enough to flit from one friend to another and take an impromptu event date with someone else over the one with me...and probably lying about it being a man date (no pun intended, lol). I will miss the delusion, I guess. And so with you, with your "friend."
I am about your age, and I have just had the first person in my circle drop dead unexpectedly. I wasn't close to him, but it gave me pause. I have friends spread far and wide which I see maybe every year, or less. We keep in touch by emails, mostly. If one of them moved to the same town, I am sure there might be things about them that were annoying. we all grow and change.
The thing is, like the saying goes, it takes a long time to grow an old friend. People who share a history with you are precious. So, sometimes they're annoying. I will put up with a lot to stay close to a person who was at my baby shower 32 years ago, or who moved next door 45 years ago. New friends might have the annoyances screened out, but they still can't compare.
I see and appreciate this perspective, too, which is why over the past few years I hung in there, reluctant to back away. But sometimes people cross a line with you and there's no turning back. When that happens, imo it's a clue to move on and see how to improve myself and widen my horizons rather than remain stuck in something that is not only not working, but emotionally drains. BTW, I have another friend or two who once in a while "annoy," but who seem more genuine and so I stick with them, and them with me and my foibles. I think most friends annoy each other at times, but breaking the tie is sometimes necessary for self preservation.
Let me present this to you all. It could go in the non-romantic relationship forum but is tied to retirement and certainly to this topic.
A very dear friend in our early married years became a long distance friend for many more. We were the types that ,even with an absence of several years could pick up as if only 2 days had passed.
She and her husband have also moved to Florida but 4 hours away. About a year ago they came to visit.
I never cared much for her husband but we had a relationship the mostly took place while he was at work. After they moved we kept in touch by occasional phone calls and letters ( pre-computer days) It didn't need to be frequent, neither of us ever needed that.We both were just 'there'.
Theirs' was always a 'me Tarzan, you Jane" marriage and now that he is no longer working, they have become 'joined at the hip' and her deference to him in everything dictates all they do and how they do it. He cannot be avioided anymore and there is no 'she and me' opportunity.
She refuses to use the internet...they have a computer but only he uses it and they have one cell phone and...yes, you guessed it...only he carries it so all communications have to go through him first.
Is that insurmountable? No but the upshot is that if we visit each other, he is part and parcel.
Their visit was not at all enjoyable and when another visit was proposed I simply stopped responding
If she were reading this thread would probably be telling you she has a very dear friend that has simply and inexplicably deserted here and she doesn't know why.
I hate the idea that I have probably hurt her but just don't know what a non-hurtful explanation could be so have offered none.
Obviously, due to distance, just planning 'just us girls' lunches, etc. is out...keeping in touch my snail mail only encourages the idea of visits....so is there a solution ?
By solution, I only mean some way of explaining to alleviate the rejection and bewilderment she must be feeling but without encouraging contact?
I would bite the bullet and go through the gatekeeper, with the phone.
Do whatever is necessary to stay in touch with your friend.
Your friend may be compliant with all this just to keep things on an even keel with her husband. She may crave having time alone. (Or not! Maybe she doesn't see him as an impediment to her social life, although I certainly would -- she should have her own phone, at least). In any case, statistics are that someday, she may be a widow. I don't mean to sound callous, but this is what often happens. Also, if you stay in touch, she may find herself deciding she wants more autonomy and getting her own phone may be one of her small steps towards that.
I am also thinking that there would be nothing wrong with saying something about wishing you could have "girls time" alone -- that it is easy to feel a bit awkward since your outings can't be "couples" outings any longer. Maybe she is thinking the same thing or will in the future.
Also, you never know . . . maybe your friend would decide to come see you by herself at some point. I don't mind driving 4 hours (when it is for a weekend visit, for example) but that may be too much for others. In any case, it could happen -- maybe your friend would love to have some time apart from hubby.
I look around me and see so many couples attached at the hip. Not sure how often both parties really want it that way. My closest friends do things with their husbands (and with other couples) but also insist on their own time apart, which includes traveling with other family members or with girlfriends.
NEG, don't keep us hanging! I've really been into this thread. Can't send you a private message since you don't accept them (wanted to thank you for yours).
So---what happened with friend B after she received your email letting her know that you had gotten the message that she didn't mean to send you?
Sorry if I am rubbing salt into an open wound that you would rather forget---it's just that I am and have recently dealt with similar betrayals/bad behavior by "friends," so I really relate...
NEG, don't keep us hanging! I've really been into this thread. Can't send you a private message since you don't accept them (wanted to thank you for yours).
So---what happened with friend B after she received your email letting her know that you had gotten the message that she didn't mean to send you?
Sorry if I am rubbing salt into an open wound that you would rather forget---it's just that I am and have recently dealt with similar betrayals/bad behavior by "friends," so I really relate...
I had to back off the issue for a day or two, it's just too much for me to think about.
What happened is that Friend B never acknowledged my email with my simple message of ??? asking what her email message was about, since I knew nothing about what she was asking (it was obviously sent to Friend A, asking her about a movie they were going to see, and she somehow mistakenly copied me in).
The very next day, Friend A sent me a feeble question: Do you want to go see [name of movie] Fri night (no salutation, no sig, and no warmth) with no mention of Friend B going, though thanks to B's mistaken cc to me, I knew they were going to go together.
I believe that B must've been somewhat embarrassed that she sent me the message by mistake, so she hastily called A, and they decided together to ask me in a perfunctory way to join them so as to save both their faces (for what reason, I cannot imagine, since they've both apparently written me off, but they both know that I know "people around town," though unlike A, I do not blab).
I sent back a simple message to A, no salutation, no sig, saying "I'd like to, but I have other plans for that night."
No answer from either one of them. I guess they feel let off the hook, just b/c they asked me. But I will bet a bunch of bucks that is the last I will hear from them, and I will bet the same it's the last they will hear from me. Like understands like, so they will be good for each other.
Last edited by RiverBird; 10-24-2014 at 08:47 PM..
The link above is the way to go. From the TOS: Copyrighted Material - Instead of copying-and-pasting articles, photos, or other material you find on the Internet, you should be posting links to those articles. Posting a snippet from the article and then the link is the appropriate way to post.
I just started reading this and had to skip a few pages (will go back later) but it really made me think of a toxic friend I had, one I would drop everything for when she called and it seemed she'd do the same for me.
We started being friends in our early 20's when we were both new mothers. We lived in the city and did a lot of 'mom' things together. She and her husband moved to a small town 50 miles away. We kept up the friendship but didn't see each other very often. Usually called at least once a week though.
As time went on, and the kids got older, we both decided to get jobs. I chose office work as I'm good at editing and bookworm. She returned to her old profession of nursing assistant.
We did fine for a long time but she would sometimes make caustic remarks about my lifestyle. My son was quite grown, his father and I were divorced and when his dad had him at his place I would take the opportunity to go out with people from work. Also, I kept progressing up the ladder and looked the part, even with jeans on. She'd quit wearing make-up and often dressed in coveralls. That was fine with me but I think she became uncomfortable with the way I had changed.
I didn't understand at that point and kept trying to keep the friendship going. Until the day I was visiting and went to the restroom when she had a phone call. I overheard her tell the caller she had to go because her 'snooty friend from the city was visiting'. That was a hard wake-up call for me and I never saw her again.
Although I've had friends since then I've never really let anyone get that close again.
what I've noticed/experienced in "my older years" with friendships is that they are becoming more difficult due to people needing to take care of elderly parents. I have 2 friends that I have essentially stopped talking to because they are total PIA's, witchy and dump all their stress on everone else. I just had had it and stopped calling them. I will go back to them eventually but for now.... It is saving myself and whatever relationship we have left.
what I've noticed/experienced in "my older years" with friendships is that they are becoming more difficult due to people needing to take care of elderly parents. I have 2 friends that I have essentially stopped talking to because they are total PIA's, witchy and dump all their stress on everone else. I just had had it and stopped calling them. I will go back to them eventually but for now.... It is saving myself and whatever relationship we have left.
They may not want you .
Is this what is called a "fair weather friend"?
You're 'friends' have a very tough job.
I hope they have some other friends willing to offer them some outside companionship and an ear or shoulder.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
