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Old 12-29-2014, 07:05 PM
 
1,227 posts, read 1,262,186 times
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Well, I think we have to look at all of the possibilities. This may not be depression. It could be an illness that has symptoms that appear to be depression. These are things like hypothyroidism, insomnia, Hodgkin's Lymphoma, Hepatitis B or C, stroke, etc. So the very first thing needs to be a visit to her primary care doctor.

Having said that, if you aren't able to get her to her doctor, you can try enlisting the help of her relatives and even the help of her doctor. But bottom line is that she is an adult, and from what you say I am not sure you are married to each other so you would have few legal "rights" when it comes to her care.

You should take care of yourself. And I think everyone who has suggested that you seek therapy (support) for yourself is correct. I also think you should come to terms with how you want to live and make that happen for yourself. Whether that is bringing help into your home, or finding your own place to live, only you can decide.

Al-anon takes the approach that we have to realize that some things are beyond our ability to fix. Their saying is: "I did not cause it, I cannot cure it, I cannot control it." Internalizing this truth may free you to make hard decisions.

Sending best wishes for strength and peace with your decisions.
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Old 12-29-2014, 07:36 PM
 
Location: where you sip the tea of the breasts of the spinsters of Utica
8,301 posts, read 12,226,177 times
Reputation: 8054
I'm a lot like her in many ways, though I don't want to be. I've tried counseling, meds, etc - sometimes there's just not anything that can be done about some problems, especially since she doesn't want to change.

She sounds like a cat lady, every town has one. So maybe try getting her a cat and checking every now and then to see if she's taking care of it. Maybe hire some kid to shop and run errands for her a coupla hours per day ..... then you can bail out.
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Old 12-29-2014, 07:45 PM
 
Location: Planet Woof
3,139 posts, read 3,513,899 times
Reputation: 9889
She is under doctor's care and being checked also for sleep apnea and hypothyroidism. She worked for years doing sedentary computer and desk work. She never had outside interests and hobbies. She was liked by co-workers but was a severe introvert who prefered a quiet, private lifestyle. She was one of these people whose job was her identity and she prided herself on excelling at it. Getting up and going to work was what it was all about.
Our last 8 years have been nothing but stress financially due to multiple job losses for both of us plus many changes in our families through deaths and divorce. The sense of ''family'' has been lost in our lives and we have little support except through some wonderful friends from my past in another state.
Her health has declined and she has made some recent progress in dealing with it because she got Medicare coverage. She is seeing doctors now and has been getting good reports
We both hate where we live but we are locked into a lease that we can't get out of until next summer.
Just from my telling you some of this you can see that we have multiple stressors. I am the type of person who springs into action when faced with adversity. She is the type who withdraws. My lifestyle is about getting out and doing physical activities like golf, hiking, bicycling, visiting friends.
She has never wanted to do any of these things, preferring to stay home and read, watch TV, etc. We have had a pretty track record with respecting our differences over the years and I enjoy my autonomy as well, so it has worked for the most part.
I do think she needs a thorough physical and psychological evaluation and we have a reknowned geriatric evaluation center in our area. There is some history of mini-strokes and some of her meds may contribute to the depression.
I think it's also what ''work-a-holics'' go through when all of a sudden there's no workplace to go to.
They have to find a way to create a new identity and life, but as people get older and don't feel well it is much more of a challenge. This is what I think is most of it.
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Old 12-29-2014, 07:47 PM
 
5,642 posts, read 17,322,663 times
Reputation: 3979
FYI: In older people, bladder infections sometimes manifest with symptoms like depression. This happened to my spouse's grandmother. Turns out she had beginnings of alzheimer, and was forgetting to drink enough liquids and kept getting bladder infections. same symptoms. did not want to leave the house, wouldn't bathe, very cranky, etc.
She needs a complete physical, not just a mental health checkup.
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Old 12-29-2014, 08:30 PM
 
Location: Lakewood OH
21,698 posts, read 23,688,776 times
Reputation: 35449
Quote:
Originally Posted by FeelinLow View Post
She is under doctor's care and being checked also for sleep apnea and hypothyroidism. She worked for years doing sedentary computer and desk work. She never had outside interests and hobbies. She was liked by co-workers but was a severe introvert who prefered a quiet, private lifestyle. She was one of these people whose job was her identity and she prided herself on excelling at it. Getting up and going to work was what it was all about.
Our last 8 years have been nothing but stress financially due to multiple job losses for both of us plus many changes in our families through deaths and divorce. The sense of ''family'' has been lost in our lives and we have little support except through some wonderful friends from my past in another state.
Her health has declined and she has made some recent progress in dealing with it because she got Medicare coverage. She is seeing doctors now and has been getting good reports
We both hate where we live but we are locked into a lease that we can't get out of until next summer.
Just from my telling you some of this you can see that we have multiple stressors. I am the type of person who springs into action when faced with adversity. She is the type who withdraws. My lifestyle is about getting out and doing physical activities like golf, hiking, bicycling, visiting friends.
She has never wanted to do any of these things, preferring to stay home and read, watch TV, etc. We have had a pretty track record with respecting our differences over the years and I enjoy my autonomy as well, so it has worked for the most part.
I do think she needs a thorough physical and psychological evaluation and we have a reknowned geriatric evaluation center in our area. There is some history of mini-strokes and some of her meds may contribute to the depression.
I think it's also what ''work-a-holics'' go through when all of a sudden there's no workplace to go to.
They have to find a way to create a new identity and life, but as people get older and don't feel well it is much more of a challenge. This is what I think is most of it.
I think you have just answered your own question but maybe feel a bit better by bringing it out into the open. I would venture to say, besides your wife's need for a complete physical exam which she appears to be getting especially if she sees the geriatric physician, you both need counseling.

You need it not only to cope with the problems you have been having but also to learn that she is just not capable of handling stress the way you do and I believe that is a large part of the problem. I wonder if you are contributing to her stress by insisting that handles it your way. Because that is not possible for her she won't try to deal with it in any fashion, even in a manner she might be able to control. So she shuts down completely as a coping mechanism. I think that "control" is an issue here.

If you agree to do counseling with her, she might go along with it. These things are never one sided. It's never just "my SO is this or that." It's both of you working together that's going to fix the problem. Best of luck to both of you.
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Old 12-29-2014, 09:20 PM
 
48,516 posts, read 83,999,418 times
Reputation: 18050
Sounds like this is nothing new ;she just needed to work in past. good luck it had to save people from themselves.
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Old 12-29-2014, 09:25 PM
 
Location: San Antonio
7,629 posts, read 14,388,006 times
Reputation: 18712
She sounds SERIOUSLY CLINCIALLY DEPRESSED. Has she made any effort to see a Dr, or can you try and talk her into it.

Do not get me wrong, the 1st thing I did after retiring was sleep in, relax, enjoy....but the picture you paint is NOT normal and should be addressed.

Prayers to you and her both as you try and figure this out and address the issue.
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Old 12-29-2014, 11:57 PM
 
14 posts, read 33,274 times
Reputation: 50
FeelinLow: I know I am swimming against the tide here but I know EXACTLY what you are going thru and all I can say is GET OUT NOW and take the pets PLEASE!

I got together with a man 6 years ago and eventually we started living together...thank God I am not married to him. Neither of us have any family & he has NO FRIENDS at all.


Everything you wrote and more I have been dealing with for at least 3 years and if I could get out, I'd be gone! He showers WHEN I FINALLY BREAK DOWN AND ASK HIM TO BATHE---I am humiliated to have to tell a 70 year old man to bathe but even then he doesn't actually clean himself. Brushes his teeth every 6 months when I finally insist, doesn't wear underpants {& changes his clothes when I finally ask} so his jeans stink like dirty butt and you literally can smell him & his jeans from 6 feet away, he sits in his computer chair 24/7 & that does wonders for his legs/feet, he has diabetes & I have to ask him if he has taken his insulin, sometimes when I don't ask he doesn't take his meds for weeks on end, he VERY LITERALLY, DOES NOT MOVE other than to go to the store or the bathroom.

He leaves the bathroom a mess, dribbles all over and doesn't clean it unless I ask {my caretaker should never have to clean it} I am so sick of being embarrassed! He doesn't wash his hands after bathroom or after sneezing into his hands, picks at his feet & then he wants to touch me or food! No **** way!!

This man is NOT DISABLED! He is morbidly obese cuz he doesn't move and I now know why he was married 3 or 4 times. He also says inappropriate sexual things to strange woman & no matter what I say he continues even if I happen to be with him, like at the grocery store {I shop once a month} we kept bumping in to the same woman and finally he said, "Are we gonna have to start fighting you for our groceries? Then in answer, he said to her, "we could, as long as I can kiss and make up to you" she stammered and was embarrassed as she turned to get the hell away from us and I could have crawled into a hole & pulled the hole in after me! He says more explicit sexual things to other women, my neighbor and her daughter have asked me to stop him from hugging them cuz they know there's more to it & said it is creepy. I just this month found out that he has had a sexual problem in the past {I really don't get it since he has ED} where he actually got in trouble {maybe legal, not sure} & it caused a divorce...and I can't move! Our rent has been raised several times until now we live to the end of our money.

FeelinLow, do yourself a favor, GET OUT NOW. Our lives will be ending soon enough due to our age and I know I don't have a chance of a peaceful or happy "rest of my life" so you can do it for yourself AND for me....these peep are NOT sick or depressed, this IS how they want to live & it's too bad that they drag others to the depths with them. I am sick of being a mommy & a slave, I live with lupus & MS and other ailments every day and now I have nothing to look forward to, not even a walk on the beach again before I die. I just want you all to understand how bad it is for some of us & we DESERVE A LIFE!
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Old 12-30-2014, 01:34 AM
 
Location: where you sip the tea of the breasts of the spinsters of Utica
8,301 posts, read 12,226,177 times
Reputation: 8054
Quote:
Originally Posted by FeelinLow View Post
She is under doctor's care and being checked also for sleep apnea and hypothyroidism. She worked for years doing sedentary computer and desk work. She never had outside interests and hobbies. She was liked by co-workers but was a severe introvert who prefered a quiet, private lifestyle. She was one of these people whose job was her identity and she prided herself on excelling at it. Getting up and going to work was what it was all about.
Our last 8 years have been nothing but stress financially due to multiple job losses for both of us plus many changes in our families through deaths and divorce. The sense of ''family'' has been lost in our lives and we have little support except through some wonderful friends from my past in another state.
Her health has declined and she has made some recent progress in dealing with it because she got Medicare coverage. She is seeing doctors now and has been getting good reports
We both hate where we live but we are locked into a lease that we can't get out of until next summer.
Just from my telling you some of this you can see that we have multiple stressors. I am the type of person who springs into action when faced with adversity. She is the type who withdraws. My lifestyle is about getting out and doing physical activities like golf, hiking, bicycling, visiting friends.
She has never wanted to do any of these things, preferring to stay home and read, watch TV, etc. We have had a pretty track record with respecting our differences over the years and I enjoy my autonomy as well, so it has worked for the most part.
I do think she needs a thorough physical and psychological evaluation and we have a reknowned geriatric evaluation center in our area. There is some history of mini-strokes and some of her meds may contribute to the depression.
I think it's also what ''work-a-holics'' go through when all of a sudden there's no workplace to go to.
They have to find a way to create a new identity and life, but as people get older and don't feel well it is much more of a challenge. This is what I think is most of it.
Well, this is a different matter - she cares enough about herself to go to the doctor.

The history of mini-strokes may well be the cause of extreme loss of motivation. They damage parts of the brain permanently ...... much of the time the brain can work around that area eventually, but sometimes the dysfunction seems to spread very gradually - like those football players who get concussions but symptoms including depression don't start showing up until years later.
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Old 12-30-2014, 01:53 AM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,018 posts, read 17,756,785 times
Reputation: 32309
Quote:
Originally Posted by swanstone1 View Post
Well, she's not at the point of "commitment". If she doesn't want to see a mental health provider she just might be ok with a family physician. Sounds like major depression and that can be treated prior to a psychiatrist. Sounds like she's withdrawn from life and probably doesn't know what to do with herself. Depression can be debilitating to the point of resembling a mental illness. I would definitely start with the family DR and go in with her. You can also make an appointment with her doctor prior to that and relay everything that she might not admit. The Doctor will definitely broach issues in a fragile way.
And why is she "not at the point of 'commitment'"? Just how bad does one have to be before being committed? Does she need to run naked down the middle of a busy street?

Of course a visit to the family doctor would be in order, but it sounds like the woman in question would refuse to go, and would refuse to take any prescribed meds. At that point, one can either resort to "force" (men in white coats taking her away in order for her to be treated) or one can acquiesce in her living that miserable, disgusting and unimaginable non-life.

As for the comment the "depression can [resemble] a mental illness", well yes, depression is a mental illness.
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