U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Retirement
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 12-30-2014, 06:20 AM
 
4,480 posts, read 4,741,265 times
Reputation: 9940

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by Escort Rider View Post
And why is she "not at the point of 'commitment'"? Just how bad does one have to be before being committed? Does she need to run naked down the middle of a busy street?

Of course a visit to the family doctor would be in order, but it sounds like the woman in question would refuse to go, and would refuse to take any prescribed meds. At that point, one can either resort to "force" (men in white coats taking her away in order for her to be treated) or one can acquiesce in her living that miserable, disgusting and unimaginable non-life.

As for the comment the "depression can [resemble] a mental illness", well yes, depression is a mental illness.

Yes, she would have to run naked down the street. And then she could get out of the hospital in a couple of days here in DC. Depending on the state mental health laws, you must be a danger to yourself or others. Not taking a shower, sitting and playing games and not involved in life doesn't cut it. She goes to the Dr. and that is what they will look at. You lterally have to have a razor to your wrist and a rope around your neck or threatening others to get committed. At least that is hwo it is here in DC.

It really doesn't sound like this woman, whom is an introvert, is doing anything too differently. It seems the OP wants more from her than she is willing to do and she told him off.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 12-30-2014, 06:22 AM
 
Location: in the miseries
3,302 posts, read 3,578,775 times
Reputation: 3810
Quote:
Originally Posted by Escort Rider View Post
OP, couldn't you initiate a process whereby your wife would be committed to a psych ward against her will for a designated time? That way they could perhaps start her on medications? I have no idea how to best initiate such a process, even if you decide to go that route. Elder care attorney for information about legal guardianship? County social worker? Your family doctor?

I am all for respecting the autonomy of other adults under almost all circumstances, but this case is so extreme as to constitute an exception, it seems to me.
I think she has to commit a certifiably insane act where the cops are called.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-30-2014, 06:30 AM
 
Location: Whereever we have our RV parked
8,778 posts, read 7,698,666 times
Reputation: 15046
You're fighting a hopeless battle. Let her be. Live your own life, make some new friends, start some new activities. But I'd also say, don't do anything for her. Let her make her own meals, do her own shopping etc. The more you do for her, the more you encourage the behavior.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-30-2014, 06:32 AM
 
753 posts, read 706,211 times
Reputation: 1175
Quote:
Originally Posted by Paka View Post
She sounds SERIOUSLY CLINCIALLY DEPRESSED. Has she made any effort to see a Dr, or can you try and talk her into it.

Do not get me wrong, the 1st thing I did after retiring was sleep in, relax, enjoy....but the picture you paint is NOT normal and should be addressed.

Prayers to you and her both as you try and figure this out and address the issue.

Yes, your dear one is seriously clinically depressed! Been there myself and right now she needs your continued support and much much encouragement and reassurance. At this age we can get very insecure with all the changes in our lives and health problems. Also on top of all of this she fears losing you.

Please put yourself in her shoes... what would you want her to do for you if the roles were reversed? You must know her well after 25 yrs. What attracted you to her; look for that girl again because she IS in there and she needs you now more than ever.

In small ways continue to "shower" her with kindness, compassion, empathy and love. (Would you like me to rub you aching back, shoulders, feet...? Cup of tea..? Hot bath?) It might take a while for her to respond but don't give up while you do all the other necessary things like the doctors' etc. Show her that she CAN'T drive you away.

My hubby and I were in these exact roles a few years ago. He was so patient, empathetic and understanding with me. Even if I wasn't having it, he never gave up... and I am grateful!

After a while we were able to make plans - get out from under the stress etc. Small changes at first led to larger ones and finally we did it! THat was great relief which we were able to enjoy together.

Perhaps the sister could help you as well; a little insight on things or even another set of ears and eyes. It might be good to let her know what's what.

Last edited by mamasplace; 12-30-2014 at 06:39 AM.. Reason: forgot..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-30-2014, 06:34 AM
 
Location: in the miseries
3,302 posts, read 3,578,775 times
Reputation: 3810
Quote:
Originally Posted by augiedogie View Post
You're fighting a hopeless battle. Let her be. Live your own life, make some new friends, start some new activities. But I'd also say, don't do anything for her. Let her make her own meals, do her own shopping etc. The more you do for her, the more you encourage the behavior.
Do you understand how awful the living conditions can get if he does nothing?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-30-2014, 06:44 AM
 
Location: Planet Woof
3,139 posts, read 3,506,948 times
Reputation: 9889
augiedogie and mamsplace-
I think a combination of your comments is the way for me to go. Thank you!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-30-2014, 06:57 AM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,971,705 times
Reputation: 15649
Quote:
Originally Posted by luvmyhoss View Post
Do you understand how awful the living conditions can get if he does nothing?
I would suggest doing nothing for her, and having a cleaning service come in twice a month. If at all possible, I would also suggest renting a room in a house-share, living there until which time things change, if they are going to. I'm not a psychologist, but I've read a lot about co-dependency, and this could be a case of it. If finances prevent living in a separate place, I'd see if a friend could take me in for a few months. Separation from this nightmare is, imo, necessary in order for anything in this kind of cycle to end.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-30-2014, 08:23 AM
 
15,194 posts, read 31,137,880 times
Reputation: 18359
I couldn't live like that. I once had a long-term boyfriend when I was only in my 20s (he was the same age) and he was pretty much like that. Did almost nothing. Slept late, worked the bare minimum, never wanted to go out, see anyone, spend any money, etc. I lost all love for him and left him.

Good luck, OP. I don't think you want to live the rest of your life like this. If you have tried to help her but can't, you need to do what you need to do to take care of YOURSELF.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-30-2014, 08:55 AM
 
16,720 posts, read 14,692,102 times
Reputation: 41119
Quote:
Originally Posted by FeelinLow View Post
So after 9 months of retirement my 65 year old SO has done absolutely nothing in terms of ''living''. And I mean that literally.
From the time she gets out of bed around noon until the time she rolls back into it around 2am she sits in a recliner and watches TV and plays solitaire on the computer. Non-compliant with health issues, hygiene, doing anything at all around the house, caring for pets, nothing.
Takes a bath once a week, if that.
Just sits day and night and if I want any conversation with her I have to go into her room and talk. Otherwise we don't go anywhere for fun as she refuses to bathe and dress in clean clothes.
She is not physically handicapped, certainly presents as majorally depressed, and definitely fights off any attempt on my part to try to get her to do anything even as simple as go out to eat.

It goes beyond all that though and she flat out tells me, her partner of 25 years, that she just wants her solitude and to go ahead and get my own place, she really does not care.

And I believe that she doesn't and also that if I do go she will be totally alone as her ''family'' pretty much has shunned her for years. No wonder-she wants nothing to do with anyone, family, friend, certainly me, and even her pets.

I've told her she needs help. That no one lives this way out of choice. She says she wants it this way and she refuses to see a mental health professional.

I have put up with a semblance of this attitude of hers for years, but since her retirement it has worsened. I truly ''live alone'', eating alone, sleeping alone, sitting alone apart from her in the house. It is no life and I am ready to move out and let her older sister, out of state, know what is happening. Living around this 24/7 is taking its toll on me. I want a happy life, even if it has to be living alone.

I don't believe my SO could manage her own ''household'' and that includes shopping and paying bills, etc. Due to her mental status. I've thought of moving out and helping her as needed as a neighbor might, because living like this is beyond depressing and sad for me.

I'm not sure if this belongs in retirement or relationships or caregiving or what, but any thoughts appreciated....
If she won't help herself by going to a counselor or therapist, then I would leave her. Maybe she'll wake up one day and get sick of being alone, and thus do something about it. In any case, you can't do it for her.

Pack your stuff and say goodbye.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-30-2014, 09:41 AM
 
Location: Prescott AZ
6,123 posts, read 9,076,489 times
Reputation: 11545
So now I am getting the feeling that she was a competent involved worker before retirement? Is that correct?
If so, and as you say she found her life in her job, then maybe she needs something enormously significant to do, which will help her get back to her old self. Why did she retire? Was she pushed out? Is there any hope of another job somewhere? Some people just cannot stop working, ever. It's usually a man, but can also be a woman. If she found a true need that she could fill, would she do it?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Retirement
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top