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Old 12-31-2014, 10:00 PM
 
Location: Planet Woof
3,139 posts, read 3,513,899 times
Reputation: 9889

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She bathes. Just showers once or twice a week. Just not ready to go out the door on a moment's notice because she has not done so more of the time. She is not going out every day so sees no need to shower every day.
I think this thread needs to end unless it addresses similar issues that people deal with in retirement.
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Old 12-31-2014, 11:06 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,018 posts, read 17,756,785 times
Reputation: 32309
Quote:
Originally Posted by FeelinLow View Post
She bathes. Just showers once or twice a week. Just not ready to go out the door on a moment's notice because she has not done so more of the time. She is not going out every day so sees no need to shower every day.
I think this thread needs to end unless it addresses similar issues that people deal with in retirement.
Ah, the facts evolve as you post. In your original post you wrote that she bathes "once a week if that". Now it's "once or twice a week". There is a tendency among several posters in this thread (including the OP) to minimize and deny the severity of the situation.

You are right about one thing: There is a central core issue which transcends the specific reactions and symptoms. And that is replacing what is "lost" when people retire. Poster Jukesgrrl put it very well, so well that I copied it down (but unfortunately did not note the thread). She wrote:

"When we worked, most of us had visible accomplishments for which we received recognition and satisfaction, in addition to our pay. When we retire the salary isn't the only thing that disappears."

Some people adjust to this loss seamlessly, having had other interests and hobbies while still working. Other people hated their jobs so much, perhaps because there was little if any "recognition and satisfaction", that they are wildly glad to be retired and don't "get" the part about the "thing that disappears". Still others enjoyed their jobs and were happy when they worked, but are equally happy to be retired - perhaps a "been there, done that" sort of thing, a readiness to move on.

But for some significant subset of retirees, there is difficulty coping, difficulty in replacing the "thing that disappears". This is one of the grand themes of this Retirement Forum, playing itself out over and over again in thread after thread. (In my opinion the two other grand themes are choosing a location and finances. These three grand themes - perhaps we should call this one "lifestyle and activities in retirement" - constitute the subject matter of the vast majority of threads here.)
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Old 01-01-2015, 08:02 AM
 
753 posts, read 707,143 times
Reputation: 1175
Ah, FeelinLow, one more thing about my husband's help for me: we started going for a daily walk together. I didn't want to at first. But we just dressed for the weather and charged on :-) It broke up the day, we got exercise and fresh air, and sometimes had funny stories to tell later about what happened during it, or who or what we saw.. and it was "free fun".

It was something we did daily and it became "our" time. (As time passed we were able to hit the walking trails that were 2 miles long and we loved it. It became a new routine...)

We also tried to do one other "free fun" thing every week that was just for us. (I didn't want to be in a crowd at first though, just us.) The library to poke around for dvd's or cd's..sometimes there was artwork on display there from one of the civic groups. We might eavesdrop on the kids story hour if it was a book we used to love as kids...(people just assumed we were the grandparents LOL). The town park sometimes had free concerts and we could even stay in the car to listen if that suited us; the car came in handy for those held rain or shine...

New routines can be hard to begin with someone who seems not to be open to it. Be persistant and encouraging though and eventually she may come around! Best to you!
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Old 01-01-2015, 12:05 PM
 
Location: Lakewood OH
21,698 posts, read 23,688,776 times
Reputation: 35449
Quote:
Originally Posted by FeelinLow View Post
She bathes. Just showers once or twice a week. Just not ready to go out the door on a moment's notice because she has not done so more of the time. She is not going out every day so sees no need to shower every day.
I think this thread needs to end unless it addresses similar issues that people deal with in retirement.


But what are you looking for? Someone else's remedies for similar issues to yours won't necessarily help your situation. I still maintain it takes two. Both of you need counseling. Your wife needs it to determine what her situation is and you need it to determine how to deal with the situation. The problems lie with both of you and are not just hers.

Nothing is ever one sided. You are never going to find solutions to a problem on an Internet forum because it is impossible for people to know both sides of the story and since we have not been able to view yours wife's side, all we can do here is give advice or examples of experience based on your description of the issue. In fact, the responses you are getting for the most part are being given from people's own experiences and that is why they are so varied. But how do they apply to you?

If you truly want this thread to be shut down, you can always make that request from the mod. I am going to go against my usual rule against playing amatuer phsycologist here and suggest again that this is indicative of your problem or should I say your wife's problem with you. You are trying to control responses you are receiving here by stating they should be limited to a certain criteria or should be shut down. That's pretty drastic for an Internet forum. It's up to the mods to make that determination anyway.

I think reading between the lines, it could translate as to how your treatment of your wife happens when she doesn't conform to your criteria as to how she should be behaving. You want to hear what can be done about her making changes in her life but I don't see where you are willing to make any changes in yours that would be of help to her.
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Old 01-01-2015, 01:31 PM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,994,426 times
Reputation: 15649
I agree largely with Minervah, above. And I agree with Escort in that I have seen posters over the years come to the forum with a really unhappy situation, and when opinions and suggestions are given, sooner or later that original poster backsteps as if in denial, as in "oh it's not that bad" and then those of us who have given our best feel kind of lost, like what was all our effort for if the OP thinks the case as outlined isn't so bad after all.

It is obvious from what feelinlow outlined that the situation is not a good one at all, and if s/he wants to keep it in denial, there's no point in readers continuing to respond. Showering once or twice a week in and of itself is a red flag, let alone the rest of it.

Feelinlow, I sincerely hope for your wife's sake and yours that you take this opportunity you've created by bringing this out in the open to really do some hard thinking as to how to proceed, this time taking some positive action instead of being like the martyr you sound like. To do nothing is a depressing choice, imho. I wish you the best as you find some handle on this, some one thing you can do to get out of this either together or on your own. I don't think you would have posted at all if it really isn't that bad.
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Old 01-01-2015, 01:37 PM
 
4,490 posts, read 4,751,034 times
Reputation: 9962
Yes, the switch is in the off position. Yes, many times people ask and then don't like/won't hear what is being said. I think it can also become like circuit overload with info/suggestions and you have to back away.. or run.
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Old 01-01-2015, 06:32 PM
 
Location: Planet Woof
3,139 posts, read 3,513,899 times
Reputation: 9889
I'm not in denial. I'm not trying to be a ''martyr''. I'm listening to suggestions and advice. I know my role in the relationship and I know my partner and our situation as it has been and is currently.
The last comment is spot on: ''overload'' re the comments and suggestions, etc.
I am weary of reading the same comments and now feeling belittled for posting this topic in the first place.
I thought I might gain some insights from other retirees and maybe highlight a situation that might help some one else at the same time.
That is all.
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Old 01-01-2015, 07:06 PM
 
Location: Prescott AZ
6,130 posts, read 9,095,981 times
Reputation: 11545
Why the mean degrading comments toward the OP? Asking for advice is not a crime. I agree that there are way too many amateur psychologists (correct spelling) on here and we should all just SHUT UP !
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Old 01-01-2015, 07:08 PM
 
Location: Planet Woof
3,139 posts, read 3,513,899 times
Reputation: 9889
Thank you.
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Old 01-01-2015, 08:29 PM
 
4,490 posts, read 4,751,034 times
Reputation: 9962
FeelinLow... Well, as you may have seen or experienced that certain types of threads (topics) either become a mini battle ground or just disintegrate after enough time...sometimes it doesn't take long at all.
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