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Old 01-01-2015, 10:53 PM
 
48,516 posts, read 83,966,925 times
Reputation: 18050

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Withdrawal is a clear sign of possible depression. You perhaps should be talking to her doctor ;not some strangers in a forum. There is also a lot of other signs you need to discuss with her doctor if you want her to get help.
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Old 01-02-2015, 06:51 AM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,985,208 times
Reputation: 15649
Quote:
Originally Posted by FeelinLow View Post
I'm not in denial. I'm not trying to be a ''martyr''. I'm listening to suggestions and advice. I know my role in the relationship and I know my partner and our situation as it has been and is currently.
The last comment is spot on: ''overload'' re the comments and suggestions, etc.
I am weary of reading the same comments and now feeling belittled for posting this topic in the first place.
I thought I might gain some insights from other retirees and maybe highlight a situation that might help some one else at the same time.
That is all.
I cannot speak for others, but the only insight I can offer is that I experience a distinct element of "displacement" and feeling of being at a loss since being out of the workplace. I would imagine there are others who feel the same way, and your SO may have it a lot worse. Work gave me not only daily outside purpose and imposed structure, it also gave me lots of things to think about in terms of helping to keep the nonprofit companies I worked for healthy, funded, and creative. There was never a dull moment, and even in the worst of times I felt like I was in a vibrant atmosphere.

Now the highlight in my life is family, which I love and appreciate, but it is not the same thing as being in a working capacity contributing something important. And so I can relate to your SO's feelings if this is indeed what is causing her state right now. The remedy for me is finding a great match in a volunteer position, but in truth, though it's a good thing to do, it may it may not be quite the same.
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Old 01-02-2015, 06:55 AM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,985,208 times
Reputation: 15649
Quote:
Originally Posted by brava4 View Post
FeelinLow... Well, as you may have seen or experienced that certain types of threads (topics) either become a mini battle ground or just disintegrate after enough time...sometimes it doesn't take long at all.
I may be missing something big but I do not see any battleground here. Over the years I have sometimes seen original posters get defensive in response to responses, but for the most part I remember responders doing their best to listen and give suggestions and personal experience. IOW...posting opposing opinions doesn't seem to constitute a battleground, imo.
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Old 01-02-2015, 09:31 AM
 
4,484 posts, read 4,746,514 times
Reputation: 9942
Quote:
Originally Posted by newenglandgirl View Post
I may be missing something big but I do not see any battleground here. Over the years I have sometimes seen original posters get defensive in response to responses, but for the most part I remember responders doing their best to listen and give suggestions and personal experience. IOW...posting opposing opinions doesn't seem to constitute a battleground, imo.

What I wrote to FellinLow was an overall, generalized statement. Not specific to this thread although the back and forth about whose definition of depression is the right/correct/true one sorta fits the bill. This wasn't about opposing opinions at all. Accepting another's opinion for being just that, another's opinion, is fine, that is not how I read that particular interaction. That is all.

Last edited by brava4; 01-02-2015 at 09:50 AM..
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Old 01-02-2015, 10:53 AM
 
Location: Lakewood OH
21,697 posts, read 23,676,966 times
Reputation: 35449
Quote:
Originally Posted by PhxBarb View Post
Why the mean degrading comments toward the OP? Asking for advice is not a crime. I agree that there are way too many amateur psychologists (correct spelling) on here and we should all just SHUT UP !
Asking for advice is not a crime. Telling people the thread should be shut down when the advice which is not what you want to hear seems that confirmation rather than advice is what is being asked for. And all advice, after all, is just opinion. I don't see the OP as a martyr but as someone perhaps in denial that he may possibly have a role in his wife's behavior. Sort of like not seeing the forest through the trees.

I think sympathy is in order for both the OP and the wife because both are in need of help. People who are experiencing mental or emotional problems have family members brought into the counseling. This is what was done when my aunt was going through her depression. The family is taught how to deal with it and what if any role they may be playing in helping or hurting.

I am also coming from a place in which I sought professional help when I was forced to quit my job due to a disability. I had been working full time practically all my adult life and it came as a huge ego crusher that I could no longer function in that capacity.

Work was not my only outlet but it was an important one. Having to quit made me feel less than a human being. I can imagine how difficult it would have been to live with someone who felt I wasn't living up to their expectations as to how I should begin a new chapter in my life. But were I with someone it would have been both our concern.

I sought professional counseling at the advice of my doctor. That is what the OP should do. This is a shared problem because two people, not just one person, are experiencing the cause and effects of it.
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Old 01-02-2015, 11:40 AM
 
Location: middle tennessee
1,926 posts, read 991,367 times
Reputation: 6973
She is 65 and she has been your partner for 25 years. You were adults when you married. You say that many (some?) of the problems predate her retirement.

Maybe she is depressed, if she is, because your relationship is as disappointing to her as it appears to be to you. Believe me, if this is the case, you will both just get more bitter as time passes and you feel that you are wasting what is left.

Can you afford to separate and each live the life that suits you? She has told you that you are free to go. I would do it at any cost.
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Old 01-02-2015, 12:11 PM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,985,208 times
Reputation: 15649
Quote:
Originally Posted by FeelinLow View Post
I have put up with a semblance of this attitude of hers for years, but since her retirement it has worsened. I truly ''live alone'', eating alone, sleeping alone, sitting alone apart from her in the house. It is no life and I am ready to move out and let her older sister, out of state, know what is happening. Living around this 24/7 is taking its toll on me. I want a happy life, even if it has to be living alone.
From the original post, this is the paragraph that stays with me, and I think that it was written in clarity and honesty. The hard part, after being partnered for a quarter-century or more, is the prospect of actually doing the deed to leave and live alone. If there's anything salvageable in the relationship, couple-counseling would appear to be the ticket.
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Old 01-02-2015, 03:53 PM
 
5,429 posts, read 3,454,205 times
Reputation: 13714
I'm struck at how long-term devoted many significant others can be to people who would not be sought after or found attractive as partners for others.

Often it is a female who stays devoted long-term to a male who provides little or no emotional sustenance to the relationship and/or has many undesirable habits, but who provides a paycheck and financial security.

Sometimes it is a male who stays with a female basically for her provision of cooking & food preparation & purchase. Or he cannot envision any other way to live on his own after many years together.

I'm not knocking devotion. I'm just saying how it strikes me that a good number of people stay with people who very few to zero other people would necessarily want. And yes, I understand that marriage vows include the good and the bad which arise in lifetimes.

Also some people are able to tolerate what seems intolerable to others. Or their standards are quite low.
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