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Old 01-25-2015, 04:16 PM
 
Location: Near Manito
19,523 posts, read 20,892,279 times
Reputation: 13834

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RETIREMENT OPTIONS

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where...

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away from your house because you found
shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the
toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face
when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

OR

You can retire to California where...

1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it
will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR

You can retire to New York City where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ....
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus
Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language
makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR

You can retire to Minnesota where...

1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup ..
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road
repair.
6. The highest level of criticism is "He is different, she is different or
it was different!

OR

You can retire to The Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean,
Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everywhere is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder".

OR

You can retire to Colorado where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops
at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR

You can retire to the Nebraska where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at.

OR

FINALLY You can retire to Florida where...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist,
proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
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Old 01-25-2015, 04:26 PM
 
6,438 posts, read 3,066,921 times
Reputation: 5853
Every place has it charms.
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Old 01-25-2015, 05:22 PM
 
Location: Sierra Nevada Land, CA
8,389 posts, read 9,134,430 times
Reputation: 13025
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yeledaf View Post
RETIREMENT OPTIONS



You can retire to SOUTHERN California where...

1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it
will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.




.
Fixed it for you.

1. The median home price in CA is $450,000. I live in CA and in my part of the State the median home price is $200,000.

2. 97% of CA is not urban/suburban. Traffic is bad only if you live in that other 3% and then only during rush hours. My 11 mile commute is *always* 21 minutes on two lane country roads. Three traffic lights.

3. That I do!

4. See bolded above.

5. Either way. 40 miles or 50-60 minutes. Your choice (in the 97%)

6. Did you know that CA get the most snow of any state or province in North America?
***********
Yes I am a bit grumpy at the moment. Time for a glass of wine!
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Old 01-25-2015, 05:28 PM
 
Location: Near Manito
19,523 posts, read 20,892,279 times
Reputation: 13834
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr5150 View Post
Fixed it for you.

1. The median home price in CA is $450,000. I live in CA and in my part of the State the median home price is $200,000.

2. 97% of CA is not urban/suburban. Traffic is bad only if you live in that other 3% and then only during rush hours. My 11 mile commute is *always* 21 minutes on two lane country roads. Three traffic lights.

3. That I do!

4. See bolded above.

5. Either way. 40 miles or 50-60 minutes. Your choice (in the 97%)

6. Did you know that CA get the most snow of any state or province in North America?
***********
Yes I am a bit grumpy at the moment. Time for a glass of wine!
Stay off the road.
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Old 01-25-2015, 06:42 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,018 posts, read 17,726,438 times
Reputation: 32304
I've seen the items in the original post before, perhaps even here in the Retirement Forum, but no matter, because the clever humor is great and well worth re-reading. I really enjoyed them once again, and thanks for the post.

To my fellow Californian, Mr5150, why are you taking this seriously? It's all a wonderful joke, made funny by the grains of truth.

Of course my endorsement of the humor - just saying how much I enjoyed it - will be the kiss of death as far as a few posters are concerned. No matter either, as taste in humor, like taste in everything else, varies from person to person.
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Old 01-25-2015, 07:17 PM
 
Location: Cochise county, AZ
4,962 posts, read 3,452,717 times
Reputation: 10475
And I took offence at the 3 spices; Minneapolis &St. Paul both have an influx of Mexican folks & they've introduced us to jalapenos. As for the seasons, we actually had 2 days of summer last year. Hmmm, no wonder I'm planning on moving. Oh, & if you found only 17 casserole recipes, you have not been in the outlying areas. There are a lot more than that I could introduce you to. You might want to wait until the middle of July though, when it might not be snowing.
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Old 01-26-2015, 10:01 AM
 
197 posts, read 160,846 times
Reputation: 1122
LOL. I hope that my sense of humour is the last thing to die!

Or you could retire to the UK where:

There are 3 weather conditions; it has just rained, it is going to rain, it is raining.
Eating brussel sprouts for Xmas dinner is a necessary test for citizenship.
You must be prepared to be on CCTV 24/7.
Anything north of Watford Gap is " oop north" and automatically suspect and underprivileged.
The most commonly eaten dish is chicken tikki masala...move over fish and chips.
You must never criticize the National Health System unless you're a citizen and even then, be careful.
The more self-deprecating you are the funnier you will be.
Not everyone lives in a cottage like Miss Marple or Downton Abbey.

Love the US and love the UK too. Vive la difference!
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Old 01-26-2015, 11:02 AM
 
Location: SW Florida
9,744 posts, read 7,025,154 times
Reputation: 14219
And for those who retire to Florida, #3, not only can they recommend all those specialists, going to all those specialists can be considered the biggest part of their social lives, at least for some of them. Those doctors' appointments keep them busy, especially combined with all those 3:15PM "early bird specials". I'm a FL senior, and I'm not there yet, but I can see it coming!

And LOL and all those cars driven by headless folks- so true! It's primarily the mini-tanks on the road, the old Buicks, Oldsmobiles, Cadillacs Mercury Marquis' and other "substantial" cars that are driven by headless people.

I actually had to laugh at my mother, age 88, who had a 2000 Mercury Marquis she recently sold as she's about come to the end of her driving days. She's been driving a small KIA SUV, borrowed from her "boyfriend" (age 80) who's about to lose his license as he's not able to drive anymore, and the car's going back to his family soon. She expressed surprise at the visibility being so much better in the KIA than in her Mercury. I'm afraid she was driving one of those "headless" cars...
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Old 01-26-2015, 12:20 PM
 
Location: Sierra Nevada Land, CA
8,389 posts, read 9,134,430 times
Reputation: 13025
Quote:
Originally Posted by Escort Rider View Post
To my fellow Californian, Mr5150, why are you taking this seriously? It's all a wonderful joke, made funny by the grains of truth.
Too much time on the CA forum where I came to realize that the CA stereotypes are really about a small fraction of CA.

I do appreciate the joke's humor, but I also like to counter the stereotypes with "surprising facts".

Here is one more: My area of CA is a retirement destination. Yes it is True! A lot of people retire in CA and not just in my part of CA-the Gold Country and Sierras. Gosh, I even know of a poster who is retired in LA!
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Old 01-26-2015, 05:49 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,018 posts, read 17,726,438 times
Reputation: 32304
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr5150 View Post
Too much time on the CA forum where I came to realize that the CA stereotypes are really about a small fraction of CA.

I do appreciate the joke's humor, but I also like to counter the stereotypes with "surprising facts".

Here is one more: My area of CA is a retirement destination. Yes it is True! A lot of people retire in CA and not just in my part of CA-the Gold Country and Sierras. Gosh, I even know of a poster who is retired in LA!
Your facts are accurate, I realize. Geographically, Southern California is a small part of the total land area of the state. But since the majority of the state's population lives in Southern California, that's what so many people think of when they hear the word "California". Also I really do understand how that would gripe you, being that you are just as much a Californian as I am.

My point was why be literal when the subject is a joke anyway, even when the literalism is accurate?
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