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Old 02-02-2015, 11:43 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
21,863 posts, read 14,364,134 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rugrats2001 View Post
Your husband is doing what he was programmed to do throughout your marriage when you had no desire or stamina to go that extra mile, so to say, due to your 'anemia'. Now that you have been 'cured', you have decided that the life that you happily shared for all of those years was too sedentary and HE is somehow defective because he doesn't have a miracle cure like YOU received.

What would it have taken for YOU to have overcome the effects of your anemia, before it went away? I'm guessing you never thought it was possible at the time. That is the position your husband is in right now. He can't create stamina out of thin air, or from the desire to have stamina. Not everyone is designed to be a runner, or a physical fitness addict. Maybe you can find a middle ground that includes something of interest for both of you, instead of mindless exercise for the sake of excercise, like hiking through places of mutual interest.
Just curious why you put the word anemia in quotes. It is a real condition. I should know since I have been anemic several times in my life. It is diagnosed by testing blood. It is a real pain to be anemic. Dizzy spells, low energy, feeling faint, tongue pain, breathlessness. I think you are being hard on the poster who was sharing a difficulty in her marriage.
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Old 02-03-2015, 08:17 AM
 
1,316 posts, read 1,735,077 times
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Yes the anemia was bad enough at one point to require a blood transfusion so not exactly a piece of cake the five years that I endured it. The update is that DH is now experiencing some odd left arm pain (enough to scare him apparently and is going in for some heart tests).
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Old 02-03-2015, 09:21 AM
 
1,227 posts, read 1,259,322 times
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Glad he is going in for the tests. Can you call the doctor ahead of time and ask for a gentle lecture about taking care of himself?

I usually go with my husband to the doctor. I bring a notebook with me and take notes as the doctor talks. I record blood pressure, weight, oxygen reading, pulse, and anything else noteworthy. This helps me to keep track of what is going on, helps me to research what the doctor says, and helps me to ask questions later. I also ask for copies of every test and test report and I keep everything in a folder and bring it with me to each doctor.

My husband's doctor has said she wishes every spouse did this
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Old 02-03-2015, 09:46 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
23,580 posts, read 17,553,447 times
Reputation: 27645
Quote:
Originally Posted by Curmudgeon View Post
Yeah! As has been suggested, life insurance. That's the ticket. Lets lower the "value" of a spouses life to mere dollars and cents. That's attractive.

But there is value in vows and both partners should honor them. In this case, in addition to your mention of, "in sickness and in health," he also presumably took a vow to "love and honor" and letting oneself decline when to do so is preventable exemplifies neither; especially if it could result in an early "exit."

I agree with the poster who recommended a heartfelt talk with your husband letting him know in no uncertain terms your worries and concerns and your desire for the two of you to retire and literally grow old together. I strongly encourage it and hope it has the desired effect. If it doesn't I would try to get him to agree to a complete physical and a screening to determine if depression could be a part of the problem.

Best of luck!
I also think the life insurance talk is not in the best taste. That's basically saying that you don't think he can or will change, so it's best just to insure for his impending death. That would really hurt if my spouse said something like that to me.

Maybe you can also phrase things in the vein of "We always wanted to do 'X,' but I'm concerned we may not get to if you don't take better care of yourself." That's much more positive sounding.
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Old 02-03-2015, 10:00 AM
 
1,227 posts, read 1,259,322 times
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Speaking as a widow -- someone who understands not only the emotional toll, but the financial harm the death of a spouse causes:

life insurance is a form of financial protection. If my spouse was so unconcerned about my future security, and he refused to take care of himself to prolong his life and our life together, and he regarded my purchasing insurance to help replace the loss of his income as insulting... well, I would believe that to be very selfish thinking on his part. Spouses should be protecting each other from harm. And I would think my spouse would not like to see me living a very frugal and difficult life simply because he found life insurance insulting.
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Old 02-03-2015, 02:04 PM
 
Location: it depends
6,074 posts, read 5,333,179 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by orngkat View Post
We have been together since age 20, so I think we are committed. I think when I analyze this, I have a real fear of abandonment since both of my parents were unhealthy due to lifestyle choices (smoking and alcohol). They "disappeared" because of it...when I was still a young woman. It left a mark.
This rings a bell. Not every case of health differences is voluntary. DW of a few decades is in pretty dire health, doing what she can. Bottom line, there truly is no form of motivation except internal motivation. Look around, you see people committing suicide with fork and spoon, suicide with cigarettes, suicide with booze....and you see other people who are intent on maximizing their health and well-being. My load is easier because my spouse is doing everything she can in spite of the odds to improve her health.

I agree with the posts that suggest open communication. I would say, even to the point of bluntness, until your point of view is clearly stated.

Spend a small fraction of your time thinking about "after," when you are widowed, because that seems likely. Resilience will be a big issue for you. Your health will remain very important. You owe it to yourself to begin thinking about what is "you" versus what is "you and him." All these decades, the difference didn't matter much. Now it does.
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Old 02-03-2015, 02:38 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
21,863 posts, read 14,364,134 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by orngkat View Post
Yes the anemia was bad enough at one point to require a blood transfusion so not exactly a piece of cake the five years that I endured it. The update is that DH is now experiencing some odd left arm pain (enough to scare him apparently and is going in for some heart tests).
Glad he is going in.

Change is hard; sometimes fear is a good motivator.
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Old 02-03-2015, 02:41 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
21,863 posts, read 14,364,134 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Emigrations View Post
I also think the life insurance talk is not in the best taste. That's basically saying that you don't think he can or will change, so it's best just to insure for his impending death. That would really hurt if my spouse said something like that to me.

Maybe you can also phrase things in the vein of "We always wanted to do 'X,' but I'm concerned we may not get to if you don't take better care of yourself." That's much more positive sounding.
We have life insurance. It is prudent whatever the health of spouse(s). However, older people with health issues might not be able to get decent insurance. The best time to buy is when you are younger. Both spouses should be insured, IMO. You do this because you honestly never know what might happen tomorrow.
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Old 02-04-2015, 10:58 AM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 31,475,774 times
Reputation: 29071
Quote:
Originally Posted by LookingatFL View Post
Speaking as a widow -- someone who understands not only the emotional toll, but the financial harm the death of a spouse causes:

life insurance is a form of financial protection. If my spouse was so unconcerned about my future security, and he refused to take care of himself to prolong his life and our life together, and he regarded my purchasing insurance to help replace the loss of his income as insulting... well, I would believe that to be very selfish thinking on his part. Spouses should be protecting each other from harm. And I would think my spouse would not like to see me living a very frugal and difficult life simply because he found life insurance insulting.
In no way do I argue that. It was the approach I found objectionable. But in the final analysis, everyone's circumstances are different.
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Old 02-04-2015, 12:31 PM
 
26,085 posts, read 28,490,143 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mathjak107 View Post
well when all else fails " life insurance " . the best investment you can make.


over the last year I was diagnosed as diabetic , had high blood pressure and tri's and cholesterol off the chart and I was a gym rat.

well a major change in diet and alternating my weightlifting with running 3 miles every other day did the trick.

lost 30lbs over the year , blood pressure turned actually low and no meds needed for the diabetes as levels are just high normal. I was on Lipitor but I am off that too.

what changed for me? the diabetes scared me and I already had damage done in my fingers and toes that I could feel.
Yeah, and when I told you a year or two ago that changing your diet could eliminate the need for high blood pressure and diabetes meds, etc. you have me a lot of flack for it and told me these things were genetic.
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