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Old 02-03-2015, 02:56 PM
Location: Omaha, Nebraska
7,330 posts, read 4,176,914 times
Reputation: 18397


Originally Posted by LoriBee62 View Post
Hell, I was only 43 when I figured that one out!
I'm a slow learner: I didn't figure it out until age 52. Ditto the snow/ice thing.

Overall, I like the city I'm in, BUT my house is bigger than I need and more work than I'd like, and I hate the weather here for 2/3s of the year. And my state is not tax-friendly to retirees and downsizing to a condo I'd like would actually cost me more than keeping my current house. So a move to the southwest may be in my future after I pull the plug on my career.

Old 02-03-2015, 03:17 PM
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,997,544 times
Reputation: 15649
Originally Posted by rdflk View Post

As has been mentioned -- sometimes the parents move away for let's say ages 60 to 85......that's 25 years of living where they want, in the climate they want. That's certainly enough years for them to enjoy doing that. Sure -- they won't see the grand kids as much. But If THEY move, then to a certain extent I feel that THEY should be the ones to travel back to see the grandkids. But many times THEY move -- and want others to come visit THEM.

Now, once health deteriorates and they really can't safely live as they have been, IF they won't move to the adult child's location to a certain extent it NOT FAIR TO THAT ADULT CHILD....because many times that FORCES a guilt trip on the adult child for not dropping what they're doing and not doing more to make sure mom and dad are OK. I can't tell you the stories of adult children who TORTURE THEMSELVES with guilt about "should I quit my job to move to where they are" or say "I can't fly 1,500 miles every time they fall or need a doctors appointment."

HEALTHY, ACTIVE retirement years -- roughly ages 55-85 -- let them live where they want.
Once the parents need care, it's selfish of them NOT to move back closer to their children. Sorry. That's just the way I feel about it.
Of all the posts here so far, I agree with this one the most. Um...maybe age 80 for many.
Old 02-03-2015, 03:19 PM
Location: Kountze, Texas
1,013 posts, read 1,161,032 times
Reputation: 1267
Originally Posted by JayCT View Post
Boy my question really has struck some raw nerves. It makes me wonder why some people are responding so nastily. AS I said I am not sticking my nose in this. I was asked my opinion once, gave it once and unless asked again (which is a good possibility) I will say nothing.

I was raised in a family where if you had kids, you always did as much as you could for them. Not to say that you gave up your entire life but you did what you could. Quite frankly I believe that if you don't believe this, you should not even have kids. My father did a lot for my kids and as a result he had a wonderfully close loving relationship with them. I have an unmarried elderly aunt who is the same way and my kids still have a close relationship with her. They are her pride and joy. They even go out of their way to visit or call her regularly in their busy lives. On DW's side is my MIL who is very selfish. She never talks to my kids or any of her grandchildren because they don't fit into her life. If they pick up the phone when she calls she never talks to them, just says "Where is your mother?" How DW and her siblings turned out to be so giving is a miracle given the example she set. Then again they clearly saw her flaws and deliberately did the opposite. And why my kids still call her is also beyond me. It might be the example my father and aunt set.

The other thing that makes me wonder is that the family members I wrote about had the same situation we did. One side was close and loving and the other distant and selfish. They always commented how grateful they were to have at least one grandparent close to their kids. Now they are doing the same thing as the parent who is not close. I wonder if they realize this? Do they really think they can have a close relationship with their grandkids from over a thousand miles away or 6 months a year. What events in their grandkids lives are they going to miss (first words, first days of school, first baseball game, etc.)? If there was a chance of their kids moving it would be one thing but as I said both are pretty well settled where they are nearby. There is always a chance but that is kind of remote at this point. Jay
I take issue with this. I left home at 19 to join the USAF - After 3 years in Japan, I was transferred to Texas - my mother and sisters still in MI - I started having children in 1987 and even though my mother didn't see my kids every year they still LOVE HER and SHE LOVES THEM - to the ends of the earth. You don't have to see one another every day or every week to still love them dearly and have good relationships. I lived in MI as a kid and loved my CA grandparents/aunts/cousins just as much as i did with my MI family. DH and I left TX in 2011 for a job in CA leaving Daughter and granddaughter - GD knows us and LOVES US as much as we love her - even though we have only seen her 4x since leaving there (she is almost 5 now). My son is in the Army in KS - his kids are there and in TX - they know us and LOVE us and we LOVE THEM unconditionally. Skyping helps but not necessary.
Old 02-03-2015, 03:24 PM
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,997,544 times
Reputation: 15649
Originally Posted by dmills View Post
So, if the parents move, then it is their responsibility to cme see their adult "children," and when their health deteriorates, they should move back to the adult children's location - so as not to inconvenience the adult "children." That sounds a bit one sided to me.
It depends on the situation, but to move, say, to the opposite coast and expect adult kids and grandkids to go to them always is rather lopsided, imo. Adult kids today are working long hours, maybe not making so much, juggling families and work, and...have you seen the cost of airfare lately, for ONE person? If grandma out west is living in a one-bedrm apt, the visiting family has to ante up for a hotel. How many times a year can those "left behind" afford to do that? Isn't it easier and cheaper for grandma to hop a plane than for a family of four to do so? And when she can't...hats off to Skype.
Old 02-03-2015, 03:55 PM
Location: SW US
2,223 posts, read 2,040,423 times
Reputation: 3839
It seems to me that if single people with no close family and no kids can plan and work out how to survive when they are old and need care, then so can parents with children who move away to the Sunbelt.

My parents moved but did not plan, did not share info, refused to discuss their wishes, etc. etc.
I wonder if this will still be common in my own generation? I am already planning, and so are my friends, but how many are not?
Old 02-03-2015, 04:01 PM
7,953 posts, read 5,058,504 times
Reputation: 13624
Originally Posted by davephan View Post
In Minnesota, if you are gone for six months, plus one day, you don't have to pay the Minnesota income taxes. This can be huge if you have a significant net worth and retirement income stream that is six figures. It's not a couple of bucks saved, it's many thousands, and may be enough to pay for most of your rent in Florida for six months.

This could trouble for those left behind in the snowbelt. You're stuck there if that's where the higher paying jobs are....
One can not overestimate the debilitating role of taxes, and tax-driven incentives to move, at least for the more affluent retirees.

Places with strong job markets, especially for STEM and related professions, tend to be higher-tax. It makes perfect sense why somebody would spend their professional career in NYC or Boston, and then relocate to Tennessee, Texas or Florida for retirement.

I'd instead invert the OP's question: why do so many retirees in high-tax, snowbelt states NOT move to a southern tax haven?
Old 02-03-2015, 04:12 PM
48,516 posts, read 84,010,700 times
Reputation: 18050
Originally Posted by JayCT View Post
Members of my family have retired. They decided to try a warmer climate for a couple of months so they rented a place in a retirement community. While there they found a unit in the complex they are staying at and are making an offer. Their children and grandchildren live near their home. They plan on selling their beautiful home that they love and living 6 months in Florida and 6 months up north. They say they are doing this to save taxes since Florida has no taxes on retirement income. They are very comfortable financially so they will not have to pinch pennies.

My question is why would they move away from family for such a long time to save what really is not much more than a couple of bucks. I have tried to explain to them that they are going to have to pay to fly back and forth a couple of times each year. They are already making plans to fly back next month for a family event and are complaining how expensive it is. They also are saying that they really miss their kids and grandkids as well.

I had tried to explain what issues they would face with this plan. They will not save that much on taxes when you figure out how much it costs to fly back and forth plus renting or buying an extra car. They say there is more to do there but really they do everything they there here. I can understand leaving the cold for a couple of months but to leave for this length of time seems kind of dumb and a bit selfish. They say their kids can come visit them but that means their kids will have to use their vacation time to visit. Plus where they are moving is not a very exciting place to visit. Young people don't want to visit a place full of old people. Later when they get sick their kids will have to take time and fly down to take care or help them. I have tried to point some of these issues out to them but they won't listen to us since we are the youngest members of the family. Their kids have said similar things to them about this. I just don't understand what they are thinking. Jay.
Everyone likes different things and lifestyle. Whether its in working life or in retirement. To many retirement frees them to pursue what they have always wanted to do. To each his/her own. The savings in that case seems mostly to be a excuse to do what they want. Especially to others who think they know better what someone else wants.
Old 02-03-2015, 04:25 PM
Location: State of Superior
8,628 posts, read 13,903,359 times
Reputation: 2770
Originally Posted by newenglandgirl View Post
Of all the posts here so far, I agree with this one the most. Um...maybe age 80 for many.
There are exceptions, granted most parents that can no longer manage with out help should except the offers from the kids, with promises they will see the Grandkids more or whatever. There are some cases when people just want to die with dignity . , go off into the wilds , or refuse all help from others. It's very common in the animal world to leave ,to find a quiet place to die, some how they know.....For most it's real nice if the kid or kids can afford the best care in private facilities , close to the adult kids , and the Aged parent or parents should agree, as hard as it can be. Remember in this day and age everyone travels, they go where their job takes them, and that can be a place very strange to where the aged parent will wind up, in assisted living. I have a mother in law who has gone thru this, she hated the place full of strangers who came from different backgrounds. No one wants to leave their home, these can be trying times.

In the case of my own mother, years ago I talked her into moving 1000 miles so she could be close, and we could see her several times a week. I set her up in a nice apartment , about 20 miles away. .....Well she lasted less than a year, after she fell and broke a leg ( I was out of town on business ) , the pull of home for her entire life was just too strong, she moved back. Things were never the same after that, I could see Her desire to be home was stronger than my influence. I left our relationship cold for several years, thank goodness she had a niece , near by as most all of our family was dead. I did get her a plane ticket once a year, it was easier for her to travel as we were working.. I even flew her to Key West for Christmas , both mothers, that was a fun time.
Old 02-03-2015, 04:36 PM
Location: Connecticut is my adopted home.
2,277 posts, read 3,083,587 times
Reputation: 7018
I can only speak for ourselves. For 6 years we did the snowbird thing from AK to the SW of the US and then KS after my stepfather passed away and my mother needed more help. For us AK was too far away to travel to/from with pets and we sold out and are living in E. KS (a compromise) as long as we are needed. We are in our mid 50s.

After we retired we spent exactly one winter in AK and holy cannoli it seemed to last forever. Watching paint dry was less excruciating. We watched too many rented movies and gained weight, worrying on each outing about killing ourselves on the ice. And we have found that the cold has been harder to deal with as we have aged even being used to cold, 35 years of it in fact.

We might once again relocate to warmer or a less extreme climate once our services are no longer needed here. Life is too short to spend it being cooped up half the year.

Though I understand your concerns, let them be. If they decide to they will move back but I highly doubt it.

Last edited by AK-Cathy; 02-03-2015 at 04:47 PM..
Old 02-03-2015, 04:40 PM
7,817 posts, read 4,404,011 times
Reputation: 11620
Quite possibly they want an excuse not to spend every waking minute (and many sleeping minutes) babysitting grandchildren. I can't count the number of my retired friends who get emotionally blackmailed into spending their retirement providing free child care! Just an idea.
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