U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Retirement
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Closed Thread Start New Thread
 
Old 02-03-2015, 10:56 PM
 
Location: State of Superior
8,628 posts, read 13,894,284 times
Reputation: 2770

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by in_newengland View Post
As I said before I don't think the OP is necessarily being selfish. Everyone I knew whose parents left New England and moved to Florida resented the move. No more family Thanksgivings and Christmases, that was the big complaint. No, they were not looking for free babysitters and no, they didn't want to go to Disneyworld instead.
They simply wanted the whole family to be together. They also wanted to be nearby if a parent needed help.

One story: A cousin (whose mother had a condo in the deep south) received a phone call from her mother's neighbor--Come and get your mother! She seems to have Alzheimer's!

My cousin had to take a leave of absence from her job and go clear out her mother's condo, figure out what to get rid of and what to keep, ship a lot of the furniture up here to storage, and fly her mother back north and get her into assisted living. Whew. People who move south, away from family oftenmm think they will be young and strong forever but it's not the case. When they are in a weakened state it falls upon the adult children who were left behind to take up the slack.

In my own case, I didn't mind so much when my parents rented a place for three winter months and then came home to their new, small New England home. I was happy for them, but I did get concerned when they bought a home in Florida and left here in the fall, not returning until spring. I was the one who got the worrying phone calls. I was the one who worried. I was finally the one who told my mother to get my dad on a train and get back home--somehow.

(I was also the one who could not afford the time and money to fly to Florida for Christmas every year. Thank goodness I had dh's parents to spend the holiday with and they had stayed around.)

Once my mother got my dad back here, I was still working but the difference between 1/2 hour's drive and a trip to Florida was enormous. I could go over there at night after work, I could stay on weekends, I did their yard work and grocery shopping. I or dh could run over there if one of them fell.

So I guess I am in favor of people retiring and being snowbirds for part of the year and enjoying themselves as long as everyone realizes that it's not forever. At some point they will require help. They'd better have a place to come home to--or else they'd better have some plans in place to pay for the help they will need in Florida or wherever they have moved to. Their adult children will worry about them and not be available to help but if that is their choice, then that's the way it is. It's not perfect but nothing is.
I have never herd so much complaining ........the way I see it, relatives and fish smell after 3 days. I see a larger problem with adult children moving to the four corners of the Country, and not all together ether. Many Seniors will spend their retirement traveling around to the " kids" , that works too sometimes, and then there are people who were only children like me who are at this point the only man standing of the generation.

 
Old 02-03-2015, 11:27 PM
 
2,429 posts, read 3,225,700 times
Reputation: 3330
Quote:
But apparently it's OK for the family to guilt the parents into staying somewhere in retirement they no longer wish to live, right?
Whoa, Gardener, didn't say that....s/he said she could see (agree with both sides of the debate.
 
Old 02-03-2015, 11:36 PM
 
Location: Omaha, Nebraska
7,319 posts, read 4,164,649 times
Reputation: 18334
Quote:
Originally Posted by in_newengland View Post
As I said before I don't think the OP is necessarily being selfish. (Snipped) So I guess I am in favor of people retiring and being snowbirds for part of the year and enjoying themselves as long as everyone realizes that it's not forever.
And right there you contradict yourself. The OP's relatives are talking about snow-birding, not moving to Florida permanently. But the OP makes it sound like they're planning on moving to Mars! And the reasons the OP states for disapproving of the snow-birding setup all are 100% focused on how things will affect him/her and the relatives' own kids and grandkids.

Selfish is exactly what it is.
 
Old 02-04-2015, 03:12 AM
 
Location: Florida
19,819 posts, read 19,910,927 times
Reputation: 23222
Keep in mind when doing all this talking about how difficult it will be when the old folks need to be taken care of.
That could be 20 freakin years away and maybe even never!
They should spend 10, 20 years or more sitting around where they don't want to be just because of a maybe????
But again, in this case, it's not full time.

Somebody just doesn't like the idea of having to give up being the 'kids' and becoming full scale adults while the parents are still alive . Adults have learned that their parents have a right to graduate from being mommy and daddy to being real people

I do agree though, that the onus is now on them to do any traveling back if they want to share in events and holidays . The question is which kid is going to take up the mantle of 'chief cook and bottle washer' for those times (assuming that mom and dad with the big house, were the ones doing all the hosting)

Last edited by old_cold; 02-04-2015 at 03:21 AM..
 
Old 02-04-2015, 04:17 AM
 
12,705 posts, read 14,085,285 times
Reputation: 34822
Quote:
Originally Posted by JayCT View Post
First of all this is a close family member. Nobody is telling them what to do but what they do affects everyone in the family. Their kids have asked me why they are doing this. I was raised that family is important and I don't understand why people do this. Why move somewhere where you know no one and are surrounded by a bunch of old people in sort of a sheltered world. I only offered my opinion when asked. Their kids are well settled near their home. They have good jobs and no intention of leaving. The couple themselves saw this same issue with one of their parents. They saw the issues faced by doing this or at least they should realize it. Of course they can do what they want but they have to realize what they do affects other people. Do they really want to only be a small part of their grab children's lives, nothing more than an occasional visitor? Again why? Jay.
The "problem" appears to be that you have values and expectations that these older people are not acting out in their lives, and this irks you.

It really isn't necessary that you "understand why people do this." Yes, it is a choice that clearly annoys you, but for heaven sake, it is a retirement life in Florida not a retirement career as ax murderers. They are making a choice that hundreds of thousand, if not millions of older Americans make.

I was born into two close extended families myself. But times changed, extended families went the way of the poodle skirt, and even the nuclear family which replaced it has changed in the past half century.

It be that way, and we have to live with what is, not with what used to be. This couple are not committing a heinous crime, and they are quite in sync with the times.

My mother and step-father did exactly this same type of move, although they did know a couple in the first place they lived. Several years later they moved to a different town, where they did not know anyone...but they made friends. They did come north once a year and visit my step-sister and her family and I visited them. They were not a couple of mental midgets, they knew what they felt would make their final years comfortable and content. And for twenty years (lucky them!) they were very, very happy with their life in Florida...then they died.

The bottom line for me and my step-sister was just that latter point: THEY WERE HAPPY. She would have liked her father to have had more time with her kids, but his happiness was more important than this desire. And his grandkids were not brutally damaged by not knowing him better...only a minority of children it appears to me to have much a of relationship with their grandparents nowadays anyway - so they are hardly alone in this. (This is one of the many changes in American family life in my lifetime.)

In light of our parents happiness, the impact of their move on the lives of myself and my step-sister was quite unimportant.
 
Old 02-04-2015, 05:53 AM
 
Location: ☀️ SWFL ⛱ 🌴
2,435 posts, read 1,671,079 times
Reputation: 8704
My parents retired and moved to the mountains of NC. After they left, it opened up possibilities that I probably wouldn't have considered if they had stayed in the area. We ended up moving to NY a few years later for a job opportunity. I don't know if we would have been so open to it if they hadn't left. We figured if old people could do it, we could too.
 
Old 02-04-2015, 06:28 AM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,982,141 times
Reputation: 15649
Quote:
Originally Posted by in_newengland View Post
As I said before I don't think the OP is necessarily being selfish. Everyone I knew whose parents left New England and moved to Florida resented the move. No more family Thanksgivings and Christmases, that was the big complaint. No, they were not looking for free babysitters and no, they didn't want to go to Disneyworld instead.
They simply wanted the whole family to be together. They also wanted to be nearby if a parent needed help.

One story: A cousin (whose mother had a condo in the deep south) received a phone call from her mother's neighbor--Come and get your mother! She seems to have Alzheimer's!

My cousin had to take a leave of absence from her job and go clear out her mother's condo, figure out what to get rid of and what to keep, ship a lot of the furniture up here to storage, and fly her mother back north and get her into assisted living. Whew. People who move south, away from family often think they will be young and strong forever but it's not the case. When they are in a weakened state it falls upon the adult children who were left behind to take up the slack.

In my own case, I didn't mind so much when my parents rented a place for three winter months and then came home to their new, small New England home. I was happy for them, but I did get concerned when they bought a home in Florida and left here in the fall, not returning until spring. I was the one who got the worrying phone calls. I was the one who worried. I was finally the one who told my mother to get my dad on a train and get back home--somehow.

(I was also the one who could not afford the time and money to fly to Florida for Christmas every year. Thank goodness I had dh's parents to spend the holiday with and they had stayed around.)

Once my mother got my dad back here, I was still working but the difference between 1/2 hour's drive and a trip to Florida was enormous. I could go over there at night after work, I could stay on weekends, I did their yard work and grocery shopping. I or dh could run over there if one of them fell.

So I guess I am in favor of people retiring and being snowbirds for part of the year and enjoying themselves as long as everyone realizes that it's not forever. At some point they will require help. They'd better have a place to come home to--or else they'd better have some plans in place to pay for the help they will need in Florida or wherever they have moved to. Their adult children will worry about them and not be available to help but if that is their choice, then that's the way it is. It's not perfect but nothing is.
THIS is realism, and brings out the nitty gritty of what those left behind often have to contend with when aging parents move far away. If there are no family members in the new location, who (often with FT jobs and family members to care for at home) can hop-to when grandma or grandpa have a sudden or prolonged health problem far away?

I am editing a memoir of a case of Alzheimers. The writer, who lives in my part of the state, gave in to her elderly mother's demand at age 84 to be in an assisted living some 4 or 5 hours away from where the writer lives (a "nicer" place near a resort). My client (then age 60+) was still working and as her mother declined into Alzheimers and had to go into rehab after a fall (and then into an A-Unit at a nursing home) had to race back and forth across the state in rain, sleet, snowstorm, and heat every weekend to deal with her mother's deteriorating condition and demands. Her own health deteriorated, she wasn't sleeping and was on pills to stay awake for the drives. Not to mention the stress of dealing with a mother who was getting into trouble left and right. And the stress on her own marriage.

It's fine for seniors to spend their golden years wherever they want, but imo, to be fair to our families we had better think long and hard about who is going to be impacted in worst-case scenarios (and do they honestly have the time and money to be at-the-ready for such scenarios). If a retired single or couple tells family members "I/We are moving away to where we always wanted to live but we promise you will not ever have to rescue us, we have the resources to take care of ourselves, and we will not guilt you into visiting us" then I say anchors away.

ETA: I realize I wrote this in regard to moving away permanently, not snowbirding, but even within 6 months stuff happens that can seriously impact those left behind. And, I'm not meaning to sound harsh, just giving a bit of balanced view to the subject, which has its pros and cons, probably mostly pros but not all.
 
Old 02-04-2015, 06:48 AM
 
Location: Connecticut
26,344 posts, read 42,312,348 times
Reputation: 7829
Quote:
Originally Posted by brokensky View Post
My speculations about this situation thus far:

1. OP's wife is related to the "snowbird" couple in question. I am going to guess - their daughter. If not their daughter, then his wife is a sister.

2. OP doesn't like that he will have to pay to go visit the snowbird couple, at his wife's insistence. He especially doesn't like a. his wife losing money by not working during that week and b. if he is a SIL, he is still working, so he doesn't want to lose HIS vacation time sporting his wife down to see her parents.

3. OP liked having the snowbird couple around to host things and pay for ski trips (or some such) for the family at Christmas, and now that tradition is down the tubes since the snowbird couple will be in Florida at Christmas. And . . . that is going to mean OP will have to cough up the $$$ to go to Florida at Christmas (and very likely, more vacay time used up for the visit).

4. OP doesn't like that the large family home is being sold b/c this may mean everyone else is going to be looking to him and his wife to do the hosting of family events.

5. If retired (which would mean he is snowbird couple's BIL, most likely) . . . OP doesn't want to move anywhere, and he is concerned that his wife is going to like Florida so much, she may decide she wants to do the snowbird thing, too.

In any case . . . these are the most self-serving reasons I have ever heard for someone trying to talk folks out of moving to Florida half the year.

It is only 6 months! How often do people even see each other during the winter? It has to do with aggravation about something that traditionally goes on at Christmas, as most folks hardly see each other from November to March in cold climates. Just how often do you traditionally "hang out?"

Also, this can't be about concern re: health issues . . . as OP stated that the snowbirds SKI. I am not even 65 and I have given up skiing so that tells me . . . the snowbirds must be in darn good physical shape.

And finally, what on earth could be the big deal about people being gone 6 months out of the year as far as "missing out" on stuff with grandchildren? Kids are IN SCHOOL when they will be in Florida. Nobody sees their grandkids that often in the winter (unless part of this story has not been told, i.e., that the snowbirds do a LOT of babysitting, which is one of the reasons for all the angst).

If this couple is in good health, planning on being gone 1/2 the year, and OP is not having to pay for their comings and goings . . . what on earth could it possibly matter to him what his inlaws do?

Good grief.

There has to be more to this story than "trying to explain to adult children why their parents are going to be gone six months out of the year." Come on.
I really wish people here would stop trying to make me the villain in this. Read what I have posted before making nasty snap judgments. The only thing you are right about here is that they are related to DW (I won't say how) and that the couple is in good shape physically. Judging from the rest, I wonder if you did read my posts. DW is the one who does not want to go down there but if she wanted to go, I would because I value family a lot. Still it would be a burden to us since we have limited time and money for vacations and frankly staying in a retirement community is not our idea of fun.

You are also wrong in how often we see these people. We get together often, even in the winter. Sometimes it is every week, sometimes every other week. And they do NOT pay for us. We host each other and when we go out we each pay our own way. I also don't really care that they plan to sell their home but they have lived there for over 35 years and say they love it a lot. I am just concerned that they are going to go into a condo and find it not to their liking. I can't imagine them liking the rules or the way the place is maintained and giving up one of their passions which is gardening. Now that they have more free time, I am not sure how they will be filling it but that really is the least of my concerns.

And maybe you don't see your grandkids a lot but in my family and with these people we do. We go to kids sporting events all the time. When the kids need help with homework their grandfather is the one they turn to for it. And maybe to you 6 months is not a lot of time but that is half of the year and it is a long time and a lot to miss. Sorry you disagree but you can miss a lot in that amount of time. Jay
 
Old 02-04-2015, 06:51 AM
 
7,802 posts, read 4,393,390 times
Reputation: 11594
So a parent gets Alzheimer's RIGHT IN THE SAME TOWN. Do you think that's not also going to be "work" for the child? If you love someone, you not only do what's necessary when needed (cheerfully), but you want that person to be happy, especially with time running out.

But children have been telling parents what to do (the tail wagging the dog) for a couple of generations now, so it's not surprising! Run away, parents... It's your life!
 
Old 02-04-2015, 07:09 AM
 
Location: Connecticut
26,344 posts, read 42,312,348 times
Reputation: 7829
Quote:
Originally Posted by kevxu View Post
I was born into two close extended families myself. But times changed, extended families went the way of the poodle skirt, and even the nuclear family which replaced it has changed in the past half century.
I really find this statement to be very sad. Have we as a society become so selfish that we are willing to destroy our family values? No wonder we have the problems we do.

Judging from some of the posts, there are a lot of people here who made this decision and who want to lay blame on me for just asking a question. Once again, I only gave my opinion when they asked. I have not said anything to them since. Their kids are rightfully concerned and have expressed their concern to me. Maybe you are the ones being selfish here because you resent that family members want to keep their family together. If that is not a good reason to be a bit selfish, I don't know what is. JMHO, Jay
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Closed Thread

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Retirement
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top