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Old 02-02-2015, 07:51 PM
 
Location: Ft. Myers
17,628 posts, read 11,185,645 times
Reputation: 37672

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I guess you have gathered from the comments so far that we are unsympathetic to your somewhat selfish reasons for thinking they should live their lives the way YOU and the rest of your family think they should. They are not doing it for any other reason than they have done the family raising thing and have paid their dues..........now it is their time to enjoy their lives and do what they want. I know your heart is in the right place, but in reality you are being selfish and unreasonable.

We caught the same flack from family when we moved to Florida years ago. Grandparents came right out and said we were moving to deprive them of being near my Sons ! (and these were the same people we had to coax to come visit us when we lived 45 minutes away ! ) But we had to do what we wanted and what was best for our family.

Your Parents will live longer and be more active here in Florida. Today is February 2nd and it was in the 80's here today. When we lived up North we would be cooped up in the house and waiting for things to thaw out on Feb 2nd, but here we can go out in shorts and actually DO THINGS ! People in Florida actually have a whole new life than when they lived up North.

Stop putting a guilt trip on them, they are not doing it solely for the financial aspects they mentioned, they are doing it for THEM. Let them enjoy what time they have left together in the manner they choose, and give them your blessings. Just because YOU think no one should ever leave your home town doesn't mean that is the right thing for everyone else.



Don

 
Old 02-02-2015, 08:11 PM
 
11,936 posts, read 20,396,567 times
Reputation: 19329
Quote:
Originally Posted by JayCT View Post
First of all this is a close family member. Nobody is telling them what to do but what they do affects everyone in the family. Their kids have asked me why they are doing this. I was raised that family is important and I don't understand why people do this. Why move somewhere where you know no one and are surrounded by a bunch of old people in sort of a sheltered world. I only offered my opinion when asked. Their kids are well settled near their home. They have good jobs and no intention of leaving. The couple themselves saw this same issue with one of their parents. They saw the issues faced by doing this or at least they should realize it. Of course they can do what they want but they have to realize what they do affects other people. Do they really want to only be a small part of their grab children's lives, nothing more than an occasional visitor? Again why? Jay.
Because really cold weather hurts people's joints and chronic pain is no fun.
 
Old 02-02-2015, 08:24 PM
 
1,774 posts, read 1,836,616 times
Reputation: 2701
You must have a better relationship with your family than I do. Personally I count down the days until my folks leave to Arizona for the winter.
 
Old 02-02-2015, 08:40 PM
 
Location: southwest TN
8,225 posts, read 14,937,379 times
Reputation: 14983
We retired and left all children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren back up north. We initially were planning to buy a retirement home in the Catskills. We had even put in a bid on a home that we luckily lost to an all-cash bid. Lucky for us. We re-examined why were looking there. We both had grown to hate the snow. That last trip to see the house we didn't get, I realized how much my knees were starting to bother me and I was only 60 then. So we rethought our plans and based it on what we wanted to do with our lives.

We are doing what we want to do. Our feet are not set in concrete and we could move to another part of the country if we want - but we are happy here. We are out of the rushed and tension-filled atmosphere of the greater NY area. And we are never more than a few hours away from communication with any of the family - there's this strange invention called the internet. I can even tell you what one daughter-in-law made for dinner tonight! (TMI is the problem, not an absence of communication.)

Be happy for them. I watched my inlaws do the snow-bird routine until my mother-in-law's health became an issue and they returned to NJ where she was put into a nursing home - severe alzheimer's. My father-in-law was surrounded by 2 of his sons with the other 2 only a short drive away. But for ten years, they were happy... and relaxed... and had a home that required far less upkeep so they had more time to do whatever they wanted - drives to the beach, enjoying family that came to visit, etc.

So think of it from their point of view, not yours. They deserve to not be the designated baby-sitters or the bring-me-your-problems or the place where everyone goes for family dinners, major holidays, etc. It's time for them.
 
Old 02-02-2015, 10:48 PM
 
Location: Tennessee at last!
1,886 posts, read 2,041,528 times
Reputation: 3796
Quote:
Originally Posted by JayCT View Post
Members of my family have retired. They decided to try a warmer climate for a couple of months so they rented a place in a retirement community. While there they found a unit in the complex they are staying at and are making an offer. Their children and grandchildren live near their home. They plan on selling their beautiful home that they love and living 6 months in Florida and 6 months up north. They say they are doing this to save taxes since Florida has no taxes on retirement income. They are very comfortable financially so they will not have to pinch pennies.

My question is why would they move away from family for such a long time to save what really is not much more than a couple of bucks. I have tried to explain to them that they are going to have to pay to fly back and forth a couple of times each year. They are already making plans to fly back next month for a family event and are complaining how expensive it is. They also are saying that they really miss their kids and grandkids as well.

I had tried to explain what issues they would face with this plan. They will not save that much on taxes when you figure out how much it costs to fly back and forth plus renting or buying an extra car. They say there is more to do there but really they do everything they there here. I can understand leaving the cold for a couple of months but to leave for this length of time seems kind of dumb and a bit selfish. They say their kids can come visit them but that means their kids will have to use their vacation time to visit. Plus where they are moving is not a very exciting place to visit. Young people don't want to visit a place full of old people. Later when they get sick their kids will have to take time and fly down to take care or help them. I have tried to point some of these issues out to them but they won't listen to us since we are the youngest members of the family. Their kids have said similar things to them about this. I just don't understand what they are thinking. Jay.
I do not know you or your family, but thought that I may offer some other reasons for their desire to move. I am not trying to offend anyone, just explain how some people think

Maybe the money response is what they are comfortable in saying to you, but the real reason is unspoken.

Maybe they are tired of being the family's private taxi service.

Maybe they WANT to live in a community with older people who have similar interests and time on their hands to pursue the interests. And at a slower, boring to the young ones, pace.

Maybe they are tired of being the free babysitter and Sunday and holiday cook.

Maybe the cold really hurts their bones.

Maybe the snow is too cold and shoveling it is beyond their physical abilities.

Maybe they are tired of being in the middle of family issues.

Maybe they are tired of being the bank and Walmart for any family member in need.

Maybe they are saddened by comparing the current neighborhood to what it was before, how many neighbors moved, etc.

Maybe that big wonderful house is way too much for them to keep clean, and they do not want to pay to heat and cool it. Maybe it is full of hurt and sad memories to them. Maybe the yard is too much for them to handle. Maybe the maintenance is more than they want to deal with. Maybe they want to liquidate the house asset and use that money to have a better quality of life.

Whatever their reason, its their life, and what do they have left 10 years? 15? They obviously provided for their family when their family was underage/children and do not have a desire to live the rest of their life doing what the family now demands of them.

Wish them well, offer your support, help them pack up and let them live the remainder of their lives for themselves.

And call them often. Show them how to use Skype before they leave.

Last edited by lae60; 02-02-2015 at 11:05 PM.. Reason: I can spell, at least sometimes!
 
Old 02-02-2015, 10:56 PM
 
1,825 posts, read 2,481,690 times
Reputation: 4143
Quote:
Originally Posted by Curmudgeon View Post
Goodness! Déjà vu. My wife and I put up with this going on seven years ago. Between us we have seven children. All five of our daughters and their families lived where we lived our until retirement. Can you imagine the drama? When we announced that we were moving 2,000 miles away because we could and we wanted to we caught tons of flack. No one seemed to consider the fact that it's our lives, not theirs.

For the first several years we did all the traveling to visit. Significant health issues then struck both of us so long trips, whether by car or plane, are no longer an attractive option. Sorry about that. Now it's up to them. We did our part.
This was my exact thought. To the OP, at what point are you going to "allow" these family members to do something for themselves - when they are too old and feeble to enjoy? Since they sacrificed for their children their entire life, isn't it time for their children to sacrifice for them? They have even agreed to spend half the year with their grandchildren, and it's still not enough. Sorry, I don't see this as anything but selfish on the children's part.
 
Old 02-02-2015, 11:30 PM
 
6,973 posts, read 3,872,834 times
Reputation: 14884
Quote:
Originally Posted by JayCT View Post
Members of my family have retired. They decided to try a warmer climate for a couple of months so they rented a place in a retirement community. While there they found a unit in the complex they are staying at and are making an offer. Their children and grandchildren live near their home. They plan on selling their beautiful home that they love and living 6 months in Florida and 6 months up north. They say they are doing this to save taxes since Florida has no taxes on retirement income. They are very comfortable financially so they will not have to pinch pennies.

My question is why would they move away from family for such a long time to save what really is not much more than a couple of bucks. I have tried to explain to them that they are going to have to pay to fly back and forth a couple of times each year. They are already making plans to fly back next month for a family event and are complaining how expensive it is. They also are saying that they really miss their kids and grandkids as well.

I had tried to explain what issues they would face with this plan. They will not save that much on taxes when you figure out how much it costs to fly back and forth plus renting or buying an extra car. They say there is more to do there but really they do everything they there here. I can understand leaving the cold for a couple of months but to leave for this length of time seems kind of dumb and a bit selfish. They say their kids can come visit them but that means their kids will have to use their vacation time to visit. Plus where they are moving is not a very exciting place to visit. Young people don't want to visit a place full of old people. Later when they get sick their kids will have to take time and fly down to take care or help them. I have tried to point some of these issues out to them but they won't listen to us since we are the youngest members of the family. Their kids have said similar things to them about this. I just don't understand what they are thinking. Jay.
Did it ever occur to you that their children and grandchildren are part of what they want to get away from? Is someone nearby constantly hitting them up for cash or childcare? Do people stop in unannounced three or four times a week? Does anyone expect mom and dad to change plans at a moments notice to fit their schedule?

Are the grandchildren screaming, bubbling snot factories or sneering teenaged texters? Is everybody at home always telling them how to spend their money or their time?

Some people don't mind their family being around all the time, some relish it, but some just want some time of their own. And a lot won't know how to tell their families that things have changed and although they still love everybody they need some space. Talking about weather and taxes avoids having that tougher conversation even though they may have tried to have it before and found no one listening.
 
Old 02-02-2015, 11:33 PM
 
6,353 posts, read 5,163,159 times
Reputation: 8527
Quote:
Originally Posted by JayCT View Post
My question is why would they move away from family for such a long time to save what really is not much more than a couple of bucks... They will not save that much on taxes when you figure out how much it costs to fly back and forth plus renting or buying an extra car...
They want to live in Florida. I live in California because I want to. When you're retired, you get to do what you want, if you can afford it.
 
Old 02-03-2015, 12:13 AM
eok
 
6,684 posts, read 3,172,693 times
Reputation: 8464
The real reason they want to move to Florida is because of what happened to them when they were 8 years old. It was a long time ago, but it can affect people for the rest of their lives. They knew if it snowed overnight they would get a day off school. They went to bed praying for snow. In the morning they looked out the window and saw the ground white and big beautiful snowflakes falling straight down with no wind. It was like a miracle. They went out to play in the snow, but later they noticed that it no longer looked as nice. Their footprints everywhere ruined it. It had been a perfect picture, a perfect miracle. Ruining the perfect picture made them feel guilty. They've felt guilty ever since. If they move to Florida, they will no longer ruin any snow by walking in it. They will finally get over their guilt. The perfect snow in their memories will always be much nicer than the real snow with all the messy stuff that happens to it. This is why they call them snowbirds.
 
Old 02-03-2015, 12:17 AM
 
Location: State of Superior
8,628 posts, read 13,894,284 times
Reputation: 2770
The thing no one wants to talk about, the thing all the kids are counting on, the bottom line.......is ?

I see all the time that telltale sign, on so many Motorhomes , it reads " we are spending our kids and grand kids inheritance " ........yup, that's what it's all about, the constant bitching about how ungrateful the old retired folks of the family are, it IS disgusting ! I would spend every last dime, having fun, the older you get the more important it is.
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