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Old 02-03-2015, 03:27 AM
Location: Cushing OK
14,547 posts, read 17,543,470 times
Reputation: 16771


Originally Posted by rdflk View Post
I hate that it happens, but sometimes when retirees move away from family that leads to horror stories about adult children not being able to make sure their parents get the care they need when health deteriorates....parents who are half blind and deaf -- and don't want to move back closer to family.

As has been mentioned -- sometimes the parents move away for let's say ages 60 to 85......that's 25 years of living where they want, in the climate they want. That's certainly enough years for them to enjoy doing that. Sure -- they won't see the grand kids as much. But If THEY move, then to a certain extent I feel that THEY should be the ones to travel back to see the grandkids. But many times THEY move -- and want others to come visit THEM.

Now, once health deteriorates and they really can't safely live as they have been, IF they won't move to the adult child's location to a certain extent it NOT FAIR TO THAT ADULT CHILD....because many times that FORCES a guilt trip on the adult child for not dropping what they're doing and not doing more to make sure mom and dad are OK. I can't tell you the stories of adult children who TORTURE THEMSELVES with guilt about "should I quit my job to move to where they are" or say "I can't fly 1,500 miles every time they fall or need a doctors appointment."

HEALTHY, ACTIVE retirement years -- roughly ages 55-85 -- let them live where they want.
Once the parents need care, it's selfish of them NOT to move back closer to their children. Sorry. That's just the way I feel about it.
I agree. But in twenty years, in reality neither knows where the adult children will live. It could be in an area the parent can't handle. Should this require the child to move somewhere the parent can? If the parent is going to be miserable out of their home, shouldn't they be allowed to remain in a comfortable place? The county where I live has a program where people who might end up in some kind of institution have a visiting aide. They stay home and are monitored. Me, I'd rather die than be locked up in a nursing home, especially away from my pets. Fortunately, my dad didn't know I was even there, in his own world, when that's where he ended up. We couldn't leave him with anything like his raido to listen to music since everything got stolen. Leave me home, make it end sooner over that.

If people had stayed with the family group, we'd all be still living on the east coast, or maybe even somehwere in Britan or Europe. It's also growing the norm to dispurse. You can still talk to your friends and relatives and even see them with skype, and just like the friends which moved away I still see over the phone and internet.

Some families are grouped in an area and a lot have ceased to be but have spread far and wide. With the difficulties getting work in some places, especially for younger people, more will be spreading where jobs are and likely not going 'home' as their family fits into the new place.

I think there will be more programs designed to keep older folks with medical needs at home safely over institutions simply because its cheaper and much more cheerful for the parents to be in their own place.

Old 02-03-2015, 03:36 AM
Status: "Support the Mining Law of 1872" (set 9 days ago)
Location: Cody, WY
9,576 posts, read 10,920,803 times
Reputation: 19200
Originally Posted by jean_ji View Post
My MIL snowbirds in FL. It's her me-time. She goes on day trips, cruises, luncheons and club activitieswith friends.
When she goes back North, it's house and yard work at her home, babysitting great grandkids, driving great grandkids to band practice, grandkids to work, etc. A granddaughter bought a home last year and she was there helping to hang a new storm door and other repairs. She has Thanks-mas before she leaves after Halloween. This is Thanksgiving dinner she prepares and Christmas presents for the family.

She is 85 and deserves every bit of time and joy she gets in FL, she deserves it and a medal of honor.
That poor woman! Won't they ever give her a break?

I am so glad that I'm an only child who married an only child and never had children. I like living my own life making my own decisions and having no one to gainsay me.
Old 02-03-2015, 05:03 AM
10,332 posts, read 9,376,947 times
Reputation: 15921
My confusion is not how people live their lives; but why others feel they have the right to dictate how others live their lives.
Old 02-03-2015, 05:18 AM
Location: ☀️ SWFL ⛱ 🌴
2,432 posts, read 1,667,352 times
Reputation: 8673
Do not feel sorry for her, she does what she wants and lives the life desires. This is no doddering, feeble person that wants to please everyone and is a doormat. She is the polar opposite. She knows how to say no and does. She is the original energizer bunny, she does not stay still for long and has always been that way since I've known her. She never talks about aches or pains and has an interest in everything and everyone. After my FIL died, the next time she went to FL she replaced the floor in her bathroom. I think it was cathartic and she needed to do something on her own that was a personal challenge. DH insisted he help her and she answered that she wanted to do it on her own, but she would appreciate advice on a few tools from him.

I won't go into details on what she does at her Northern home, but the lawn guy told us when we were there last year that she picks up up branches etc. while he is mowing. The only reason she has a lawn service is that she doesn't weigh enough to disable the child weight limit that allows the engine to start. She did have one of our cousins disconnect it so she could mow, but after doing it a few times, she decided her time was better spent on other things, the mowable portion of the yard is close to an acre. She had to try it though and find out for herself.

She is the heart and soul of our family, everyone admires and appreciates her and wants to emulate her, she is such a positive influence. Does she get taken advantage of? Only as much as she allows and wants. She is a loving woman with a huge heart, but at the same time she is nobody's fool. People who have thought otherwise quickly learned she is a force to be reckoned with.

She is fully engaged and going strong at 85 with her life in order. She's found a balance in life that makes her happy. I wish everyone could be like her as they age, I sure want to.

Last edited by jean_ji; 02-03-2015 at 05:30 AM..
Old 02-03-2015, 07:00 AM
343 posts, read 623,100 times
Reputation: 569
Like the old saying goes, "retirement is when you stop making a living, and start making a life."
Old 02-03-2015, 07:32 AM
Location: Ft. Myers
17,628 posts, read 11,174,250 times
Reputation: 37671
I live in an area of Florida where we have a huge influx every Winter of our Northern "snowbird" friends. They can't wait to get here and when it is time to leave in the Spring they start complaining about having to go. While they are here they are alive, doing things, and enjoying life to it's fullest. Lots of them say they can't wait until the day when they can move here full time.

When I say to them "Bet you're glad you aren't back home right now with all that white stuff", they start quoting temperatures in the teens back there and how cold it was when they left.

I remember when we lived in Pennsylvania, one year I bought a new boat in March and couldn't take it out until the middle of June because it was too cold. Then, by September we had to put it away because it was getting cold again ! Down here we NEVER put our boats away.

Old 02-03-2015, 07:37 AM
10,332 posts, read 9,376,947 times
Reputation: 15921
Originally Posted by Teddyterp View Post
Like the old saying goes, "retirement is when you stop making a living, and start making a life."
Old 02-03-2015, 07:43 AM
Location: Fort Lauderdale, Florida
9,217 posts, read 8,298,253 times
Reputation: 19980
Originally Posted by JayCT View Post
Members of my family have retired. They decided to try a warmer climate for a couple of months so they rented a place in a retirement community. While there they found a unit in the complex they are staying at and are making an offer. Their children and grandchildren live near their home. They plan on selling their beautiful home that they love and living 6 months in Florida and 6 months up north. They say they are doing this to save taxes since Florida has no taxes on retirement income. They are very comfortable financially so they will not have to pinch pennies.

My question is why would they move away from family for such a long time to save what really is not much more than a couple of bucks. I have tried to explain to them that they are going to have to pay to fly back and forth a couple of times each year. They are already making plans to fly back next month for a family event and are complaining how expensive it is. They also are saying that they really miss their kids and grandkids as well.

I had tried to explain what issues they would face with this plan. They will not save that much on taxes when you figure out how much it costs to fly back and forth plus renting or buying an extra car. They say there is more to do there but really they do everything they there here. I can understand leaving the cold for a couple of months but to leave for this length of time seems kind of dumb and a bit selfish. They say their kids can come visit them but that means their kids will have to use their vacation time to visit. Plus where they are moving is not a very exciting place to visit. Young people don't want to visit a place full of old people. Later when they get sick their kids will have to take time and fly down to take care or help them. I have tried to point some of these issues out to them but they won't listen to us since we are the youngest members of the family. Their kids have said similar things to them about this. I just don't understand what they are thinking. Jay.
This is none of your business.

You sound like that busybody PIA family member everyone hates.

Butt out.
Old 02-03-2015, 07:50 AM
Location: Connecticut
26,317 posts, read 42,287,496 times
Reputation: 7814
Originally Posted by jghorton View Post
Let's see ... whose life are we talking about again ... theirs or yours? Have you also provided them with assurance that none of the grandchildren or kids will move away due to college, jobs, marriage or anything else, but, will instead, remain close by to always be available and take care of these aging parents/grandparents?

Since they have worked their entire lifetime and lived in the cold snow and ice, and taken care of the family all that time; when does wanting to do something else (warmer) become less "dumb and selfish" in your 'only opinion that matters' mindset? You might be surprised to know that literally millions of snowbirds travel annually back and forth between Florida and the 'Arctic' (Some have health reasons for moving!) ... Perhaps their intent is to ultimately maintain homes in both places; and they may think they need to downsize from their current home to do that(?).

You said these were "members of your family", therefore, one might conclude that they are not your parents --- and that you are not completely aware of the basis for the decision and discussions that have gone on. How is it then that you 'know' what is best and right for them, regardless of what they otherwise think? Have they asked you to fly down and use your valuable vacation time to 'take care of them?' ... or are you just assuming they are foisting this 'selfish burden' on their kids.

Honestly, it is time for you to MYOB and let those who are more directly involved use their own intelligence and motivation to determine what they want to do with their own lives. You don't really sound like your interest is NOT in what is best for them, but, rather, for whatever reason, what is best for you.
I was going to ignore this but thought I should come back and explain further. These are not my parents but they are close family members. When I noted some of the issues I mentioned they poo-pooed them which was fine, but their kids are now asking the same things to me. I think they want me to say something to them again on this. The original plan was to go for 3 months and try several different places for 3 months over the next several years to see where they liked best. Now suddenly they are buying and going to do the 6 months there-6 months here routine. This is after they complained about the high airfare they are paying to come back for a family event and saying how much they miss their kids and grandkids SEVERAL times. I fear what will happen is that they will stop attending these events and be less involved with their children and grandchildren like I have seen with others.

You are right this does not affect me directly but already they are pushing for us to come visit them this month. DW is very close to this family member but gets limited vacation time and feels it would be better spent visiting her elderly mother who did the same thing 25 years ago. Now we are facing the issues I brought up about dealing with an elderly relative living far from family. Trying to get her to move back north now would be impossible since she has long lost her tolerance for the cold. We have busy jobs, kids, dogs and a home to worry about so we can't just drop everything and visit them whenever they want. Plus we like to spend our limited vacation and financial resources going to places we enjoy. We enjoy being with these family members a lot but now we have to do it differently than in the past and at great expense. We will visit them but I feel that it won't be as often as they would like particularly when they are there for 6 months.

Finally, I would like to point out that IMHO a parent does not stop being a part of the family when their child grows up. Once you have children, you always have children and in my family you are always obligated to be there for them. That is not to say it is to give up your whole life for them but you still need to be there. I don't understand people with children who feel that once the kids reach 21 they no longer have to be part of their lives. I was just not raised that way nor do I resent being like this in the least. It is just part of my being. IMHO if you feel that way, you should just not have kids. That may sound harsh but the above post is also harsh in judging why I asked the question in the first place. Like I said, I am trying to understand this for fear it will effect our relationship with these close family members and will effect their kids who we are also very close to. Maybe them moving is not in my best interest but I look beyond the interests of one or two people. I look at the entire family and I am sorry but that is what close families do. Maybe if more families did this our society would be a better place. Jay
Old 02-03-2015, 08:20 AM
Location: Florida
19,795 posts, read 19,895,713 times
Reputation: 23212
So they should stay all year long where they no longer want to be for the convenience of others??
And you think parents need to cater to their kids for their whole lives??
I do believe you will amend your thoughts on that once you have adult children.
If you raise them to be self sufficient are you going to follow them around should they move for a job or just for preference? Or tell them they can't move?

If none of the rest of the family ever goes to Florida, it is a consequence they have to deal with.
But, sheesh, you'll still have the other whole half of the year to see them.
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