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Old 02-03-2015, 08:28 AM
 
Location: Elysium
6,578 posts, read 3,632,918 times
Reputation: 4563

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We are a culture that takes pride in kicking kids out when they turn 18 or finish school, whichever comes first. That translates into a culture that doesn't really care if grandpa is still around at the other end. Because we are far enough down the path that grandpa was forced out like a young male lion is forced out his pride, so grandpa also has the prejudice that as he ages the actual alpha male doesn't want him around so moves away to a nice place of his own. And he sees himself as the loser who puts his kids into a sandwich generational situation helping to take care of him before they can force the grandkids out to be on their own.

The less assimilated one is to the general American cultural way the more you appreciate the extended family situation where multiple generations in the same house, or very nearby, is not a curse and a set up for a situation comedy but rather a blessing

 
Old 02-03-2015, 08:30 AM
 
Location: Southwestern, USA
15,364 posts, read 12,119,741 times
Reputation: 16603
Quote:
Originally Posted by JayCT View Post
I just don't understand what they are thinking. Jay.
I don't either.
Warm is nice, but...I agree with ALL your points!
Flying is NOT cheap...and I lived in FL for yrs...there are
many boring towns. So sorry.
Now if they wanted to pay for your visits and talk to bosses to give you
time off...well then...
I'm all for letting them do what they want to...but your points are
well thought out...on paper it leans towards more $$ being spent...
for everyone.
 
Old 02-03-2015, 08:38 AM
 
8,013 posts, read 7,295,370 times
Reputation: 6387
I have several neighbors in their late 60's and 70's that have done the same or have just started with the snowbird migration cycles. They get to do social activity with people of their own age group and build a network of friends. If they wait too late, they may never get the opportunity to enjoy the lifestyle of golf, dances, bridge games, adventure trips, etc. On the other hand, they may have family around, but yet be lonely.
 
Old 02-03-2015, 08:47 AM
 
381 posts, read 352,338 times
Reputation: 1984
After having to move back to DH hometown and provide 9 years of total involvement of financial care/health care/household duties for my in-laws, I promised my three sons that I would never make them uproot their families, etc., so that we could "play" or " not have to get out of our comfort zone." I have moved to be close to one or another son. They appreciate us and help us move and have offered to help with expenses. Each is very happy that they do not have to fly to our "retirement home" to take care of the roof, the car, the bills, the whatever. We are in our early 70s. We have moved twice. There may be two more moves. Keeps you young and keeps you from being set in your ways. We babysit, we housesit, we walk their dogs, and they treat us good. ...live 5 miles apart. One day I hope to live near son in San Francisco (but he will have to pay our rent).
 
Old 02-03-2015, 09:12 AM
 
Location: Loudon, TN
5,769 posts, read 4,827,803 times
Reputation: 19395
As we planned to retire out of state, my friends and family (no kids) started to complain and ask why we couldn't stay in CA where they were. What could possibly lure us away from the loving family that we spent about 4 days per year with (Birthday, Christmas, Thanksgiving, and summer BBQ)? Gee, I don't know!!! Maybe because in a cheaper state we could afford to live a wonderful life we could only imagine up to this point, and explore a new part of the country where we haven't "been there, done that" a hundred times. Of course we miss them, but it is just not anyone's job to live their life to please other people. I'm going to repeat that in caps: NOT ANYBODY'S JOB TO LIVE TO PLEASE OTHERS.

Again, it's only 6 months out of the year, so what's the big deal? I'm sure everyone will survive without them somehow for 6 months. If they "push" you to visit them, (I think the word is "invite") you can just say "no". They can just say "no" to you when you ask them to stay in Frostbite Falls.

Everyone is responsible for their own life, and I'm sure, at their age, they don't need someone to "explain the issues they may face" to them. Somehow they've managed all these years without your very important wisdom. Tell their children it's okay to feel sad that they are leaving for a few months, but it's NOT ALL ABOUT THEM. After they have worked for 40 years and would like to live the life they have probably been dreaming about for many years...who the heck are you and their kids to try and guilt them out of it. You talk a lot about how you were raised, and how parents' job is not done when their kids turn 21, etc. That's great that YOU feel that way. They apparently feel differently and they are just as entitled to feel however they feel, and to live their lives based upon THEIR values, not yours.
 
Old 02-03-2015, 09:31 AM
 
2,429 posts, read 3,222,625 times
Reputation: 3330
1) Lastfire, THANK YOU for your words and example! Reps!

2)
Quote:
So, if the parents move, then it is their responsibility to cme see their adult "children," and when their health deteriorates, they should move back to the adult children's location - so as not to inconvenience the adult "children." That sounds a bit one sided to me.
Fine with me. But some people want to then accuse the adult kids of not "doing the right thing" -- when parents need care and 'more attention' due to aging and those adult children can't do more. And those same parents shouldn't guilt trip the adult children into bringing the grand kids to them. WHICH THEY DO.

Just as long as when the parents live their life -- the adult kids aren't criticized for thinking "I can't get there, they won't come here...THEY are the ones who need the care...so if mom and/or dad die under their hoard, confuse their meds and OD, or fall for the 5th time and die on the floor, or wander away from home...so be it. Let them live their last days as they want, the end will come sooner -- but who cares.....the will is up to date the stress will be over and I'll get the inheritance that much sooner."

Don't hang it on the adult kids, if a parent's choices to stay "independent" lead to that parent's own decline and death. Not that above post implies anything about that, I'm just saying adult kids shouldn't be blamed if they give up and wash their hands of parents who won't even do what's best for themselves. The elderly sometimes don't realize they really CANNOT be independent anymore.

I don't think elderly parents understand the guilt trips they put their adult children through -- or the resentment it can cause -- when those caring adult children WANT to do more, take care of the parents and make sure they have the help and services they need -- but can't do that because parents are 1,500 miles or more away. That's all. Dad died underneath his hoard....but he lived the way he wanted!

3)
Quote:
We are a culture that takes pride in kicking kids out when they turn 18 or finish school, whichever comes first.
Part of the reason my family is so close is because we were NOT like that. As long as you WORKED, you could stay at home as long as you liked. You could move, but you didn't HAVE to, nor were you pushed out. I never have agreed with that.

Last edited by rdflk; 02-03-2015 at 09:48 AM..
 
Old 02-03-2015, 09:55 AM
 
Location: Omaha, Nebraska
7,309 posts, read 4,151,370 times
Reputation: 18284
Quote:
Originally Posted by JayCT View Post
I was going to ignore this but thought I should come back and explain further. These are not my parents but they are close family members. When I noted some of the issues I mentioned they poo-pooed them which was fine, but their kids are now asking the same things to me. I think they want me to say something to them again on this.
Tough titti*s. Tell the kids to go talk to their parents directly, like adults do. There is no reason for you to get involved in their family drama, and plenty of reasons for you not to.

Quote:
The original plan was to go for 3 months and try several different places for 3 months over the next several years to see where they liked best. Now suddenly they are buying and going to do the 6 months there-6 months here routine. This is after they complained about the high airfare they are paying to come back for a family event and saying how much they miss their kids and grandkids SEVERAL times. I fear what will happen is that they will stop attending these events and be less involved with their children and grandchildren like I have seen with others.
Or they'll decide on their own that they miss being close to the family, and will move back north of their own accord. You can't predict how this will work out, so stop trying to.

Quote:
You are right this does not affect me directly but already they are pushing for us to come visit them this month. DW is very close to this family member but gets limited vacation time and feels it would be better spent visiting her elderly mother who did the same thing 25 years ago. Now we are facing the issues I brought up about dealing with an elderly relative living far from family. Trying to get her to move back north now would be impossible since she has long lost her tolerance for the cold. We have busy jobs, kids, dogs and a home to worry about so we can't just drop everything and visit them whenever they want. Plus we like to spend our limited vacation and financial resources going to places we enjoy. We enjoy being with these family members a lot but now we have to do it differently than in the past and at great expense. We will visit them but I feel that it won't be as often as they would like particularly when they are there for 6 months.
So, be frank about your travel budget and time limitations when you talk to them. They need to know the downsides of their plans. But those downsides may not matter as much to them as you think they do - and if that is the case, you should accept their decision gracefully.

Quote:
Finally, I would like to point out that IMHO a parent does not stop being a part of the family when their child grows up. Once you have children, you always have children and in my family you are always obligated to be there for them.
Sorry, but in old age it's the other way around. It's the kids' turn to inconvenience themselves for the sake of a family member. (And inconvenience is all we're talking about here: you'll have to skype or phone regularly, and fly south if you want to be with them during their 6-month winter holiday in Florida. It's not like they're moving to New Zealand here.)
 
Old 02-03-2015, 10:00 AM
 
Location: Forests of Maine
30,678 posts, read 49,430,310 times
Reputation: 19129
Quote:
Originally Posted by JayCT View Post
... They say they are doing this to save taxes since Florida has no taxes on retirement income.

... My question is why would they move away from family for such a long time to save what really is not much more than a couple of bucks.
After I retired, we migrated to a state up North, where people say that it is among the highest taxed states in the nation. The funny thing is that I am on pension, I do not earn a high enough income to pay income taxes here. So, I moved North and I save on taxes.

This is the fifth home that we have owned, it's property taxes are by far the lowest property taxes of any home we have owned. Sometimes the way people do math is funky.



I can fully understand what you are saying. I would want to live in a region where my family was all near by and easy to visit. That makes sense to me. One of our sons stayed here, and one moved away. Such is life.
 
Old 02-03-2015, 10:16 AM
 
Location: State of Superior
8,628 posts, read 13,886,662 times
Reputation: 2770
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aredhel View Post
Tough titti*s. Tell the kids to go talk to their parents directly, like adults do. There is no reason for you to get involved in their family drama, and plenty of reasons for you not to.



Or they'll decide on their own that they miss being close to the family, and will move back north of their own accord. You can't predict how this will work out, so stop trying to.



So, be frank about your travel budget and time limitations when you talk to them. They need to know the downsides of their plans. But those downsides may not matter as much to them as you think they do - and if that is the case, you should accept their decision gracefully.

Sorry, but in old age it's the other way around. It's the kids' turn to inconvenience themselves for the sake of a family member. (And inconvenience is all we're talking about here: you'll have to skype or phone regularly, and fly south if you want to be with them during their 6-month winter holiday in Florida. It's not like they're moving to New Zealand here.)
I agree 100 per cent.......O' and by the way, I had a friend that retired to New Zealand, great quality of life few can take advantage of considering their immigration policy's. ( and he left the family compound in the US to all the kids and grand kids ). Haven't heard from him in years, I do wonder how it all turned out!
 
Old 02-03-2015, 10:17 AM
 
Location: Silicon Valley
18,083 posts, read 22,934,448 times
Reputation: 35202
OP, I see your point about the cost of visiting them in FL. You all will just have to say "Sorry, it's not in the budget, but we'll see you in 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 months."

Saying, "It's not in the budget," is a phrase I learned from my Canadian BFF. You don't have to explain that you want to spend your vacation money (and time) on going to Disneyland, instead of visiting relatives that will be back in a couple months. Nobody has to accommodate their choice.

And really, if their kids, etc., want them to come back, and they honestly do miss everyone, and can't afford to fly back to visit themselves, the best way to get them to come back is to NOT go visit them. Maybe they'll miss everyone during that 6 months so badly they'll move back.
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