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Old 02-03-2015, 10:17 AM
 
Location: Florida -
8,767 posts, read 10,851,233 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JayCT View Post
I was going to ignore this but thought I should come back and explain further. These are not my parents but they are close family members. When I noted some of the issues I mentioned they poo-pooed them which was fine, but their kids are now asking the same things to me. I think they want me to say something to them again on this. The original plan was to go for 3 months and try several different places for 3 months over the next several years to see where they liked best. Now suddenly they are buying and going to do the 6 months there-6 months here routine. This is after they complained about the high airfare they are paying to come back for a family event and saying how much they miss their kids and grandkids SEVERAL times. I fear what will happen is that they will stop attending these events and be less involved with their children and grandchildren like I have seen with others.

You are right this does not affect me directly but already they are pushing for us to come visit them this month. DW is very close to this family member but gets limited vacation time and feels it would be better spent visiting her elderly mother who did the same thing 25 years ago. Now we are facing the issues I brought up about dealing with an elderly relative living far from family. Trying to get her to move back north now would be impossible since she has long lost her tolerance for the cold. We have busy jobs, kids, dogs and a home to worry about so we can't just drop everything and visit them whenever they want. Plus we like to spend our limited vacation and financial resources going to places we enjoy. We enjoy being with these family members a lot but now we have to do it differently than in the past and at great expense. We will visit them but I feel that it won't be as often as they would like particularly when they are there for 6 months.

Finally, I would like to point out that IMHO a parent does not stop being a part of the family when their child grows up. Once you have children, you always have children and in my family you are always obligated to be there for them. That is not to say it is to give up your whole life for them but you still need to be there. I don't understand people with children who feel that once the kids reach 21 they no longer have to be part of their lives. I was just not raised that way nor do I resent being like this in the least. It is just part of my being. IMHO if you feel that way, you should just not have kids. That may sound harsh but the above post is also harsh in judging why I asked the question in the first place. Like I said, I am trying to understand this for fear it will effect our relationship with these close family members and will effect their kids who we are also very close to. Maybe them moving is not in my best interest but I look beyond the interests of one or two people. I look at the entire family and I am sorry but that is what close families do. Maybe if more families did this our society would be a better place. Jay
I appreciate the instruction about 'close families', but, wonder if your notion of over-involvement in the lives of others under the auspices of "this is what close families do" ... isn't a little skewed by 'blanket assumptions' (versus reality). There is also a possibility that too much of this 'closeness' (and drama) has something to do with their move(?).

We also have a very close family, but, don't find it necessary to keep everyone within an xx-mile radius, to ensure we stay close. In fact, about 42-years ago, we moved our family to Florida because of a job transfer ... and in order to take advantage of the warm weather and beaches, while we were still young enough to enjoy them. This required moving away from our parents (particularly my wife's folks). But, that often happens, even in 'close families.'

Another 'reality check', after they graduated from college (about 15-20-years ago), our kids got married and settled into jobs that were about 500 miles distant from us. We neither begrudged them the right to live their own lives or felt it immediately necessary to 'move where they were'. We also realized that (like some of our friends), the kids/grandkids might not be done moving ... as often happens in 'close' families.

About 3-years ago (3-years into retirement), we moved closer to our daughter and grandkids. This reduces the time both they and we spend traveling back and forth (from 500 miles to 25 miles ... And also puts us about 3-hours/150 miles closer to our son and grandkids). At this point of our lives, it's been difficult to get re-established (more for me than my wife), but, the grandkids help make that easier. That is also what close families do.

My point is that you seem to have an idealistic notion of 'how near and exactly how everyone in your family should behave', in order to make you happy.' But, that overlooks the fact that everyone is different and 'life happens.' You should encourage the happiness of these relatives and let them know that you will miss them. The more intrusive you get, the easier it will be for them to move and not look back. Trust that life may ultimately bring the 'family' back together --- If it doesn't, both of you will simply deal with it and life will go on.

Last edited by jghorton; 02-03-2015 at 10:35 AM..

 
Old 02-03-2015, 10:24 AM
 
Location: State of Superior
8,628 posts, read 13,896,256 times
Reputation: 2770
Quote:
Originally Posted by Submariner View Post
After I retired, we migrated to a state up North, where people say that it is among the highest taxed states in the nation. The funny thing is that I am on pension, I do not earn a high enough income to pay income taxes here. So, I moved North and I save on taxes.

This is the fifth home that we have owned, it's property taxes are by far the lowest property taxes of any home we have owned. Sometimes the way people do math is funky.



I can fully understand what you are saying. I would want to live in a region where my family was all near by and easy to visit. That makes sense to me. One of our sons stayed here, and one moved away. Such is life.
My guess you moved to a lower cost northern State , Maine ? Not hard to compare the cost of living with Florida, which has become very expensive, even if you choose a arid dusty PC of ground in the Florida interior, and who would want to do that anyway. Florida is all about it's coast line.
 
Old 02-03-2015, 10:43 AM
 
Location: Omaha, Nebraska
7,319 posts, read 4,167,038 times
Reputation: 18334
Quote:
Originally Posted by jghorton View Post
My point is that you seem to have an idealistic notion of 'how near and exactly how everyone in your family should behave', in order to make you happy.' But, that overlooks the fact that everyone is different and 'life happens.' You should encourage the happiness of these relatives and let them know that you will miss them. The more intrusive you get, the easier it will be for them to move and not look back. Trust that life may ultimately bring the 'family' back together --- If it doesn't, both of you will simply deal with it and life will go on.
This, times 1000. "Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans" - John Lennon.
 
Old 02-03-2015, 10:47 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
23,592 posts, read 17,589,896 times
Reputation: 27682
Quote:
Originally Posted by JayCT View Post
Members of my family have retired. They decided to try a warmer climate for a couple of months so they rented a place in a retirement community. While there they found a unit in the complex they are staying at and are making an offer. Their children and grandchildren live near their home. They plan on selling their beautiful home that they love and living 6 months in Florida and 6 months up north. They say they are doing this to save taxes since Florida has no taxes on retirement income. They are very comfortable financially so they will not have to pinch pennies.

My question is why would they move away from family for such a long time to save what really is not much more than a couple of bucks. I have tried to explain to them that they are going to have to pay to fly back and forth a couple of times each year. They are already making plans to fly back next month for a family event and are complaining how expensive it is. They also are saying that they really miss their kids and grandkids as well.

I had tried to explain what issues they would face with this plan. They will not save that much on taxes when you figure out how much it costs to fly back and forth plus renting or buying an extra car. They say there is more to do there but really they do everything they there here. I can understand leaving the cold for a couple of months but to leave for this length of time seems kind of dumb and a bit selfish. They say their kids can come visit them but that means their kids will have to use their vacation time to visit. Plus where they are moving is not a very exciting place to visit. Young people don't want to visit a place full of old people. Later when they get sick their kids will have to take time and fly down to take care or help them. I have tried to point some of these issues out to them but they won't listen to us since we are the youngest members of the family. Their kids have said similar things to them about this. I just don't understand what they are thinking. Jay.
I think a lot of people do this because it's what has been done historically or they have rose-colored glasses about warm weather states.

You have to have some serious money to own two homes, pay property taxes/upkeep/insurance/utilities for both, fly repeatedly back and forth, etc, and you can only be in one place at a time. Even if I had the time and money to do both, I would have a primary home then rent a second home for the time I'm there.

The warm weather is certainly a plus, but routine life is about the same anywhere - there isn't that much of a difference between going to the grocery store or doctor, whether you're in FL or CT. It's also amusing watching these retirees fleeing the northeast citing high taxes and high cost of living, then vote for politicians that will implement the same policies they ran away from. Unless you're going all the way to FL or come from an extremely snowy location like Boston, Buffalo, or somewhere in the Midwest that gets lake effect snow, winters may be a little warmer, a little shorter, but not a tremendous difference. My hometown in TN is about ten degrees warmer, on average, than here in Indianapolis. It's not a ton of difference.

There will also be some BIG cultural adjustments between the wealthy northeast and a lot of the South. We repeatedly have posters from the northeast on the TN boards who want it all - the proverbial nice, new home on the lake, with a spectacular view, safe, diversity, great schools, convenient to shopping/town, and most of all, they want it for pennies on the dollar compared to what they'd pay up north. Often the things northerners want and value simply are not available in the South, and if they are, aren't all that much cheaper than up north. You also cannot replace your family and friends by moving to the new location.

I am always amazed at the lack of common sense I see with some northerners moving.
 
Old 02-03-2015, 10:56 AM
 
Location: Forests of Maine
30,687 posts, read 49,469,539 times
Reputation: 19134
Quote:
Originally Posted by darstar View Post
My guess you moved to a lower cost northern State , Maine ? Not hard to compare the cost of living with Florida, which has become very expensive, even if you choose a arid dusty PC of ground in the Florida interior, and who would want to do that anyway. Florida is all about it's coast line.
Yes, this boy from California retired to Maine

Florida does have more coast line [8,436 miles], then Maine has [3,478 miles], or California has [3,427 miles]. Though coastline did not play a factor in our decision.

We live about an hour from the coast now, we were closer to 2 hours from the coast in our home in California.
 
Old 02-03-2015, 11:15 AM
 
26,125 posts, read 28,521,132 times
Reputation: 24826
I can't imagine giving my parents flack for spending part of the year in Florida (which they do). I moved to the opposite coast when I was 18 and haven't looked back. I did what I wanted to do. They do what they want to do. Sounds fair to me.

Last edited by mysticaltyger; 02-03-2015 at 11:56 AM..
 
Old 02-03-2015, 11:22 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
23,592 posts, read 17,589,896 times
Reputation: 27682
Quote:
Originally Posted by mysticaltyger View Post
I can't imagine giving my parents flack for spending part of the year in Florida (which they do). I moved to the opposite coast when I was 18 and haven't looked back. I do what I wanted to do. They do what they want to do. Sounds fair to me.
True - everyone is free to do what they want. Still, how many times do parents and kids live in different states, initially things start off well, then one or both of the parents gets down to where they can't take care of themselves, leaving the kids in a bind? It happens quite often, and while ideally the parents should not expect the kids to assist from that far away and be able to pay for everything themselves, it often doesn't work out that way.
 
Old 02-03-2015, 11:29 AM
 
Location: State of Superior
8,628 posts, read 13,896,256 times
Reputation: 2770
Quote:
Originally Posted by Submariner View Post
Yes, this boy from California retired to Maine

Florida does have more coast line [8,436 miles], then Maine has [3,478 miles], or California has [3,427 miles]. Though coastline did not play a factor in our decision.

We live about an hour from the coast now, we were closer to 2 hours from the coast in our home in California.
Yup, location , location , location that's what it's all about.......I do have friends who left their San Diego retirement palace , for the barrier hurricane bug infested alligator unfriendly west coast of S Florida. ( Marco island ). I think The multi million abodes in Florida were a bargain for them !!

For me , at the ripe old age of 35 sold it all in Chicago land , bought a 44 ft. Sailboat new , and lived aboard floating the free waters of Florida's gulf coast for Five years. Actually very profitable, low cost of living ( my vessels was US documented , no state taxes ) and it sold in 1985 for more than I paid in 1980 with 18 per cent interest.i was a winner on that one more than once as I built a beach house on a barrier no bridge island with part of the funds from the sailboat.......then six months later tripled my money when I headed for the coolness of the North Carliona. It was a wise move at the right time!
 
Old 02-03-2015, 11:31 AM
 
Location: Omaha, Nebraska
7,319 posts, read 4,167,038 times
Reputation: 18334
Quote:
Originally Posted by Emigrations View Post
True - everyone is free to do what they want. Still, how many times do parents and kids live in different states, initially things start off well, then one or both of the parents gets down to where they can't take care of themselves, leaving the kids in a bind?
When the parents can no longer take care of themselves, the kids are going to be in a bind either way, though. It's not as though grown children who are working full time can rearrange their schedules around accommodating their parents' ever-increasing needs. And what about having to pass up great job opportunities elsewhere because you're trying to stay close to your parents in case they need help? And often the big problem is that the parents have declined to the point where they can no longer live safely out in the community but need to be in a specialized facility, but they are in denial (understandably) and don't want to admit that. Being close to them geographically doesn't do squat to get them to admit they need to move into assisted living.

Whether your parents live close or far, their old age is going to be an inconvenience. Old age is like that.
 
Old 02-03-2015, 11:43 AM
 
Location: State of Superior
8,628 posts, read 13,896,256 times
Reputation: 2770
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aredhel View Post
When the parents can no longer take care of themselves, the kids are going to be in a bind either way, though. It's not as though grown children who are working full time can rearrange their schedules around accommodating their parents' ever-increasing needs. And what about having to pass up great job opportunities elsewhere because you're trying to stay close to your parents in case they need help? And often the big problem is that the parents have declined to the point where they can no longer live safely out in the community but need to be in a specialized facility, but they are in denial (understandably) and don't want to admit that. Being close to them geographically doesn't do squat to get them to admit they need to move into assisted living.

Whether your parents live close or far, their old age is going to be an inconvenience. Old age is like that.
Well, when I was a teen, my folks moved a lot, sometimes forgetting to leave a forwarding address. I always caught up with them anyhow !!

So, after all that, there does come a time in life when there is a roll reversal . Those are the times the Kids need to be strong and have a plan, to get the well aged parents rounded up and heard them to the closest long term care condo or apartment... O and by the way , get power of attorney.
O
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