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Old 02-03-2015, 11:54 AM
Location: Tennessee
23,614 posts, read 17,606,575 times
Reputation: 27693


Originally Posted by Aredhel View Post
When the parents can no longer take care of themselves, the kids are going to be in a bind either way, though. It's not as though grown children who are working full time can rearrange their schedules around accommodating their parents' ever-increasing needs. And what about having to pass up great job opportunities elsewhere because you're trying to stay close to your parents in case they need help? And often the big problem is that the parents have declined to the point where they can no longer live safely out in the community but need to be in a specialized facility, but they are in denial (understandably) and don't want to admit that. Being close to them geographically doesn't do squat to get them to admit they need to move into assisted living.

Whether your parents live close or far, their old age is going to be an inconvenience. Old age is like that.
If someone is closer, they can provide support to the point the retiree needs more skilled help. It's not perfect, but better than nothing.

Old 02-03-2015, 12:05 PM
26,142 posts, read 28,535,783 times
Reputation: 24854
Originally Posted by Emigrations View Post
True - everyone is free to do what they want. Still, how many times do parents and kids live in different states, initially things start off well, then one or both of the parents gets down to where they can't take care of themselves, leaving the kids in a bind? It happens quite often, and while ideally the parents should not expect the kids to assist from that far away and be able to pay for everything themselves, it often doesn't work out that way.
Yes, I do see your point on that. I believe my parents will be able to pay for everything themselves. But I am also lucky that my parents only spend 3 months in FL and my sister only lives 2 hours away from them in the Northeast. However, this could change. But it's also true that things can change even when people try to plan everything out perfectly so as to prevent this sort of bind.

Oh, and the difference between Florida and the Northeast is pretty huge, let me tell you. Average high in New York City in January is 38. For Washington, DC, it's 43. For Jacksonville, on FL's northern edge, it's 65. Way more than 10 degrees. Makes a HUGE difference, especially as you get older. Heck, I've been a weather wimp all my life .
Old 02-03-2015, 12:20 PM
2,202 posts, read 1,586,397 times
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spending the inheritance??
Old 02-03-2015, 12:46 PM
3,721 posts, read 2,202,867 times
Reputation: 4173
Originally Posted by JayCT View Post
They cross country ski so it is not the weather. Besides if it was, would their dislike of weather override their love of family? Jay.
Jay, I snowshoe, bike and run in the snow. I'm outside all year round. I do it because I will go stir crazy otherwise (and get fat). People do what they need to do to survive where they are. If - when - I have the chance to move away from this weather, I will glady sell my snow gear.

Honestly, I've always said the thing that keeps me up here is my family and the fact I bought my house at the wrong time and was upside down for awhile. But the house is getting paid down, and the family reason is getting less and less with each storm. Just about my entire family is in a 10 mile radius, so except for the 3 that moved out west, I'd be moving away from them. And selfish though it may be, I really want to enjoy a more temperate climate before I am too old to do so.
Old 02-03-2015, 01:14 PM
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When the parents can no longer take care of themselves, the kids are going to be in a bind either way, though. It's not as though grown children who are working full time can rearrange their schedules around accommodating their parents' ever-increasing needs.
I hope we could agree that there's no doubt it'd be easier the closer the two parties are. That's all some of us have pointed out. 10 minutes away versus a 4 hour plane ride...let's see.....I wonder which adult children could be more involved in a parent's life and care.....
Old 02-03-2015, 01:53 PM
Location: Omaha, Nebraska
7,324 posts, read 4,169,633 times
Reputation: 18377
Originally Posted by rdflk View Post
I hope we could agree that there's no doubt it'd be easier the closer the two parties are.
I'm not so sure it is. Generally significant help is required only when the parent either can no longer drive, or has become too frail and/or unsteady on his/her feet to be safely left alone, or is declining cognitively. An adult child who is working full-time is going to find playing chauffeur difficult; parental appointments and such will have to be scheduled using PTO or else the workplace will have to allow an unusual amount of flexibility. The other two situations really can't be dealt with well absent an omnipresent caregiver. If the adult child is of retirement age and can afford to quit working full time in order to help Mom and Dad, that's one thing - but these days, how often is that the case?

What most people seem to need to help their aging parents is more free time, and that's a pretty pricy commodity in today's economy. Living close doesn't help much if you're risking being fired because you're taking "too much time off" (in your boss's eyes) to shuttle your folks to their many doctor's appointments and such.
Old 02-03-2015, 01:57 PM
26,013 posts, read 33,032,767 times
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Originally Posted by Lastfire View Post
After having to move back to DH hometown and provide 9 years of total involvement of financial care/health care/household duties for my in-laws, I promised my three sons that I would never make them uproot their families, etc., so that we could "play" or " not have to get out of our comfort zone." I have moved to be close to one or another son. They appreciate us and help us move and have offered to help with expenses. Each is very happy that they do not have to fly to our "retirement home" to take care of the roof, the car, the bills, the whatever. We are in our early 70s. We have moved twice. There may be two more moves. Keeps you young and keeps you from being set in your ways. We babysit, we housesit, we walk their dogs, and they treat us good. ...live 5 miles apart. One day I hope to live near son in San Francisco (but he will have to pay our rent).
Holy crap. There is no way I would be contemplating moving, IN MY 70'S, just to be near the kids. That is just crazy. No thank you!!
Old 02-03-2015, 02:11 PM
Location: Connecticut
26,361 posts, read 42,337,048 times
Reputation: 7835
Boy my question really has struck some raw nerves. It makes me wonder why some people are responding so nastily. AS I said I am not sticking my nose in this. I was asked my opinion once, gave it once and unless asked again (which is a good possibility) I will say nothing.

I was raised in a family where if you had kids, you always did as much as you could for them. Not to say that you gave up your entire life but you did what you could. Quite frankly I believe that if you don't believe this, you should not even have kids. My father did a lot for my kids and as a result he had a wonderfully close loving relationship with them. I have an unmarried elderly aunt who is the same way and my kids still have a close relationship with her. They are her pride and joy. They even go out of their way to visit or call her regularly in their busy lives. On DW's side is my MIL who is very selfish. She never talks to my kids or any of her grandchildren because they don't fit into her life. If they pick up the phone when she calls she never talks to them, just says "Where is your mother?" How DW and her siblings turned out to be so giving is a miracle given the example she set. Then again they clearly saw her flaws and deliberately did the opposite. And why my kids still call her is also beyond me. It might be the example my father and aunt set.

The other thing that makes me wonder is that the family members I wrote about had the same situation we did. One side was close and loving and the other distant and selfish. They always commented how grateful they were to have at least one grandparent close to their kids. Now they are doing the same thing as the parent who is not close. I wonder if they realize this? Do they really think they can have a close relationship with their grandkids from over a thousand miles away or 6 months a year. What events in their grandkids lives are they going to miss (first words, first days of school, first baseball game, etc.)? If there was a chance of their kids moving it would be one thing but as I said both are pretty well settled where they are nearby. There is always a chance but that is kind of remote at this point. Jay
Old 02-03-2015, 02:36 PM
2,620 posts, read 2,527,563 times
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Originally Posted by Aredhel View Post
They're probably also thinking that their big, beautiful house is probably TOO big and TOO much work for their older years.
Hell, I was only 43 when I figured that one out!
Old 02-03-2015, 02:52 PM
Location: Omaha, Nebraska
7,324 posts, read 4,169,633 times
Reputation: 18377
OP, you keep conflating emotional closeness and physical proximity. They are not the same, and one does not guarantee the other.
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