Just returned from a seminar about compassionate caring - end of life issues. Are you prepared? (moving, friends)

[PeaceOut001]

We're in NC where physician-assisted suicide is illegal. But in NY and NJ and a lesser extent IL 17 and 6 years ago, it was illegal there, too. Doctors and hospice (in home) had a quiet way of allowing it to happen under the covers, so to speak. We learned of a simple exit completely legal from the doula (for dying) from the seminar. It's allowing me to breathe easier. It was also great to learn that there are doulas available to assist us. For me it becomes critical since I'm unable to hear but I certainly can communicate.

We've been exploring our end of lives since our parents and now friends are either in that position - sick or passed on. Our goal was to simply not put those who remain in the position of family battles or leaving decisions about allowing us to go of having to make life and death decisions.

Do you have your wishes known and are they in writing? If you haven't, are you going to? If you haven't, why?

My wishes are known to my "little sis." It's in writing and will be rewritten one more time. I'm 16 years older than she. Her first response was for me not to bring it up with her. I needed to continue - just a little more subtly. I knew she understood me when she started threatening to spread my ashes where we lived when I was attending high school. But she was laughing about it because she knew she got my goat. Whatever works on both of our terms is fine with me.

This is a tough topic that is typically taboo. There were folks there 20 years older than we are (in their 80s) who hadn't started a thing. There were fewer people our age but they had begun their thought process about end-of-life issues. What was great about it was the number of people who showed up for it - I'd guess there were 30 or 40 of us there.

[luv4horses]

What is a doula and are they hired or are they volunteers?
What did you learn that helped you to breathe easier?

[texdav]

Been there; done that is all I can say.

[PeaceOut001]

Originally Posted by luv4horses

What is a doula and are they hired or are they volunteers?
What did you learn that helped you to breathe easier?

Oops. I knew the word but
it has taken on an added definition. A doula provides emotional and physical support to you during your pregnancy and childbirth and aren't medical professionals. That was the first meaning. The doula
for the death and dying provides emotional and physical support. She or he can make the call to a
doctor if someone is at home (as both parents were) and they take care of contacting funeral homes (or whatever) and getting the death certificates. I went into complete logic and unemotional mode when I had to do it for my parents. I don't want to go through that again.

I won't need the emotional support but I will need the physical support.

My final hearing loss is a major issue. It was never great but I made it through life that way and was
okay. Then it fell off a cliff. Knowing that there is now yet another network of people
out there who can assist me without relying on friends (family is too far away) assuming my
partner dies before I do is critical.

There are those who will charge for their services and volunteers here if I need them.

It's a bit weird but NC laws allow you to legally transport a body yourself to a funeral home or where ever is needed. I don't think that's going to happen but I think it's a cool idea.

My partner wants her body to rest after she dies. The first part means at least 20 minutes before moving her (it's part of her spirituality that's not part of mine but I do what I'm asked). Then she needs her body not to be cremated for three days after dying - in her world, it's to allow her soul to move on. Oddly, this can be done at home. The doula said xxx grocery stores have dry ice to help. I don't think I'll be able to do this but it's nice that it's an option for those who want it.

We're two women and made the decision not to have kids. I'm relying on my sister (if my partner isn't around) and my partner is relying on me then the compassionate care network to help me navigate the laws and doctors here.

[PeaceOut001]

Originally Posted by texdav

Been there; done that is all I can say.

Sorry, texdav, I have as well and it continues. I just like being prepared - usually before most people even began thinking about things like this.

[PAhippo]

One of my goals this year.

Got the will done. Now will look into the cremation part.


and other misc wishes, as in no funeral, toss the ashes, etc.


I do have to make out a living will again now that I think about it. I moved and am going to a different dr. Not sure the one I have is still valid.

I'm surprised and impressed a meeting was held about this.

[nicet4]

Until very recently I didn't talk about it because it wasn't necessary. I am only 67 and I know I will live at least another 67 years so if you want to plan to die you go ahead and do it but leave me out.

My wife, on the other hand, has everything spelled out in writing. Everything planned even cremation and the music to be played at her funeral.

But recently I had a discussion of what I want. All I want is for my wife and I be together. I don't care where it is and don't care how it is done as long as we are together I am fine with that.

When I am 105 maybe we'll talk a little more about it but in the meantime just leave me alone.

[RiverBird]

Originally Posted by PAhippo

I'm surprised and impressed a meeting was held about this.

These kinds of groups and meetings are starting to pop up. Around here we have a "death café," coffee/tea meetups around end of life issues, and other spiritual groups devoted to the same subject (such as dying at home, 'green' burial, etc.) The boomer generation is opening these more public discussions, hitherto untalked about.

[luv4horses]

Thanks for the reminder to get all the legal stuff in place. This is one thing I keep putting off.

[RiverBird]

Originally Posted by PAhippo

One of my goals this year.

Got the will done. Now will look into the cremation part.

I want to avoid probate after my death so I set up a revocable trust in addition to the will. As far as cremation goes, I would like to prepay it but do not know where I will live out my final days, so prepaying seems risky.