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Old 03-07-2015, 09:25 AM
 
29,782 posts, read 34,871,258 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by runswithscissors View Post
Great! As long as you have provided for your senior years, have POAs and Advance Directives in place, have enough money to pay for whatever care you BOTH may need for DECADES OUT when either one or both of you become incapacitated.

The Caregiving forum would suggest you are an exception.
Just a observation and question but isn't the caregiving forum self selecting? The Village movement is helping to facilitate support for those not near family.
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Old 03-07-2015, 09:54 AM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 67,172,097 times
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Another observation . . . there have not even been choices about such matters until the last 50 or so years.

Prior to that, parents/grandparents either moved in with adult children, or adult children moved in with them (or a grandchild moved in) . . . or they were in a community situation where everyone "looked after" everyone else -- a sort of informal "neighborhood watch" for the elderly folks in the community.

At least, that is how things were with my family and friends here in the rural and semi-rural south.

Whatever church you belonged to was also an anchor for social as well as health assistance.

To a great extent, that is still what I see where I live.

Of course, I have known a lot of folks who have chosen in the last 20 years to go into assisted living at some point, especially when it meant that siblings/cousins were going to move into the same complex together, or extended family members and friends had decided to group together and keep a support system going after hitting 80 or so.

I don't think it is odd or "old school" for folks to want to stay in their own environment -- and die at home in their own bed. However, many who would be open to other arrangements simply cannot afford them. It is expensive to live in an assisted living community.

So for many, it is feasible to retrofit their homes and stay there.

Also, I have known a lot of people who downsized after retirement, and chose a home in an area where things were convenient and would allow them to age comfortably, whether in good health or with some assistance every week.

None of us know what the future will bring with our health issues. We have all seen situations where folks were doing great one day, have a stroke, and are debilitated from that day forward. And we dont' have to be 90 for that to happen.

It can come down to family members having to coerce Mom or Dad into new living arrangements, but frankly, I don't see that happening too often.

No one can plan for everything. In every case I have known, from a distance or in my own family, in the end, finances are what drives end of life decisions, when there are health issues and someone is needing assistance with activities of daily living.
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Old 03-07-2015, 10:25 AM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,978,143 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr5150 View Post
It is a personal choice and I admire your dedication. But you need to decide where to draw the line for your own sanity.

Have (help) them hire a contractor to fix their homes

Meds: Get a meds box.

That Turlock outfit or IHSS can take care of the shopping, doctor appts and will set up a meds box-I am sure there are similar agencies in your area..

Lifeline for the falling.
All fine for cooperative, cognitive elders. With those with demanding/self-centered personalities or dementia, or with those who do not have the money to fix their abode, it falls on the adult kids. FWIW, I know of no elder who insisted on living in his or her own home past the age of 85 or 90 who either did not have a lot of money or did not have adult kids they felt sure they could fall back on. As far as drawing the line, I don't know how many elders you've cared for, but that means nothing really. I know the needs, the desires, the frustrations, the nitty gritty daily and weekend stuff, the delusions, the emergencies, and the unfair burdens. I could write a book, and maybe someday will. My only gratitudes are that we did our duty, and that my mother never went to doctors, ever, even when we pleaded. God spared us that exhaustion.
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Old 03-07-2015, 11:40 AM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 67,172,097 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by newenglandgirl View Post
All fine for cooperative, cognitive elders. With those with demanding/self-centered personalities or dementia, or with those who do not have the money to fix their abode, it falls on the adult kids. FWIW, I know of no elder who insisted on living in his or her own home past the age of 85 or 90 who either did not have a lot of money or did not have adult kids they felt sure they could fall back on. As far as drawing the line, I don't know how many elders you've cared for, but that means nothing really. I know the needs, the desires, the frustrations, the nitty gritty daily and weekend stuff, the delusions, the emergencies, and the unfair burdens. I could write a book, and maybe someday will. My only gratitudes are that we did our duty, and that my mother never went to doctors, ever, even when we pleaded. God spared us that exhaustion.
Yeah, I had to laugh about the "drawing lines" and "insisting" and the overall retraining sort of mentality to "making" elders more independent or at least, less reliant on family members (or neighbors and friends for that matter).

I have mentally ill family members and my cousins would also laugh about that statement. I hate to say it but THANKFULLY, several of those folks have died in the last few years. What they put their family members through was just beyond imagination. I won't even attempt to give examples of the behaviors, except to say . . . it isn't a matter of enabling these folks. They themselves create such chaos with phone calls, complaints, imagined slights, continual demands -- hiring someone quickly turns into the "help" refusing to return. I could go on and on.

But I won't.
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Old 03-07-2015, 12:25 PM
 
10,604 posts, read 14,205,380 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by newenglandgirl View Post
All fine for cooperative, cognitive elders. With those with demanding/self-centered personalities or dementia, or with those who do not have the money to fix their abode, it falls on the adult kids. FWIW, I know of no elder who insisted on living in his or her own home past the age of 85 or 90 who either did not have a lot of money or did not have adult kids they felt sure they could fall back on. As far as drawing the line, I don't know how many elders you've cared for, but that means nothing really. I know the needs, the desires, the frustrations, the nitty gritty daily and weekend stuff, the delusions, the emergencies, and the unfair burdens. I could write a book, and maybe someday will. My only gratitudes are that we did our duty, and that my mother never went to doctors, ever, even when we pleaded. God spared us that exhaustion.
I do.

ZERO.

It's hilarious to see all these cavalier assumptions - NONE of which are reality.
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Old 03-07-2015, 12:32 PM
 
10,604 posts, read 14,205,380 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TuborgP View Post
Just a observation and question but isn't the caregiving forum self selecting? The Village movement is helping to facilitate support for those not near family.
I don't know what your point is but MY point is that reading the Caregiving forum would show the member that people do NOT or ARE not capable of doing the proper planning required to claim they're going to be so independent from "family". Or anyone else. Not unless they mean DYING in place, not AGING in place.

I love the ones who think they're going to off themselves "before anything happens". Good luck timing that.

Village movement? HAHAHAHA There is no such thing.

Find me ONE neighbor who is going to assume responsibility for a dementia person. AND is capable of doing so.

There was one on the Caregiving forum. It lasted about a month.
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Old 03-07-2015, 01:09 PM
 
Location: delaware
688 posts, read 864,694 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by newenglandgirl View Post
All fine for cooperative, cognitive elders. With those with demanding/self-centered personalities or dementia, or with those who do not have the money to fix their abode, it falls on the adult kids. FWIW, I know of no elder who insisted on living in his or her own home past the age of 85 or 90 who either did not have a lot of money or did not have adult kids they felt sure they could fall back on. As far as drawing the line, I don't know how many elders you've cared for, but that means nothing really. I know the needs, the desires, the frustrations, the nitty gritty daily and weekend stuff, the delusions, the emergencies, and the unfair burdens. I could write a book, and maybe someday will. My only gratitudes are that we did our duty, and that my mother never went to doctors, ever, even when we pleaded. God spared us that exhaustion.


this would have been my situation with my mother except for the fact she had worked for the federal government for 25+ years, as had my father, and she had her pension (pretty good for the time-30+years ago ), some savings, and social security which allowed her, and more specifically me, to have some options. my mother, with whom i'd always had an ambivalent relationship, wanted to live with me, but since i knew that wouldn't work, i had in-home care for her for a while, which became, as dementia increased, more and more unsatisfactory. i did ultimately place her in a nursing/rehab center near me, as a private pay patient, and she was able to pay for care for several years, as long as it was needed. yes, it absorbed any assets that she had, but i was and am grateful that i had that alternative. having that money made a huge difference, and she actually got to the place where she settled in, made a few friends, and stabilized for a while, something that wouldn't have happened without the dementia. i have no regrets.

catsy girl
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Old 03-07-2015, 01:30 PM
 
Location: I'm around here someplace :)
3,633 posts, read 4,430,586 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cb2008 View Post
Aging in place concept has been oversold, professor argues - The Washington Post

What are your thoughts on where and how to live as you age?
I think aging-in-place is one of the best ideas that's come up in recent years.
Just because a person reaches a certain age (whatever that age is considered to be), they shouldn't have to give up their independence, familiar surroundings, etc., and live in a long-term care facility or even an assisted living arrangement.
For many, it's not just a matter of homesickness, it's a matter of personal dignity- not having supervision when it's not necessary, and not living on someone else's terms and schedules.

I worked in a nursing home, and as a home health aide, and it was quite clear which elderly folks were happiest. Even the nicest facilities aren't "home."
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Old 03-07-2015, 01:33 PM
 
6,819 posts, read 3,867,159 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by newenglandgirl View Post
All very well and good, but what does it take on the part of the adult kids/grandkids to keep her there? I speak from experience.
Excellent point which many seem to not recognize or simply ignore.
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Old 03-07-2015, 02:56 PM
 
685 posts, read 564,720 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr5150 View Post
This if they are poor:
In-Home Supportive Services

This if they got some money:

Turlock Home Health Care

One does not have to depend on one's kids or grandkids, if that doesn't work.

There are tons of agencies out there.
Yes, it's getting better and easier to die in home out there. There is a plethora of available people on the internet and in Meetups. We don't have kids and I'm not really concerned about it. Something will materialize when we need it or we die without help.
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