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Old 03-07-2015, 06:54 PM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 19,393,484 times
Reputation: 15672

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Quote:
Originally Posted by CapnTrips View Post
No question about it. Unfortunately, when they refuse to relinquish their biases, there's not a lot you can do, other than have them dragged kicking and screaming from their homes. Not exactly a good outcome either.
Yes, my sister and I did rehearse taking our mother for "a little ride" somewhere, never to return. This was after she started a fire in her kitchen and then fell asleep at her TV tray in the l.r. and fell over, gashing her forehead and bleeding all over kingdom come (neighbor found her). Again I repeat, FINE for elders to stay planted in their homes, IF they are truly independent and are not going to become a major unwelcome burden to their families. I'm not saying to necessarily be mean to Grandma and force her out. I refer to some of my posts, above, about the stark realities.
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Old 03-07-2015, 06:55 PM
 
Location: Baltimore, MD
3,858 posts, read 4,358,968 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jukesgrrl View Post
It would be so great not having to coerce parents! I'm glad you're seeing that. I'm seeing the opposite. I don't have a single friend or relative my age who is not in serious disagreement with how their parents are choosing to live. The elders drive cars far longer than their abilities support. They cling to houses that are impossible for them to take care of. Their inabilities force their children to take on responsibilities they neither want nor can afford.

My two best friends and I each have widowed mothers. One mother has Alzheimer's, one has COPD and serious depression, the third is unable to walk without assistance and has serious pain issues. All of them expected to stay in suburban homes, driving everywhere they wanted to go when they were totally unable to do so safely. All of them are on medications they cannot manage alone. None of them has the ability to care for their finances or their medical issues. To date two of us have been able to get our mothers into better situations than her home. But my friend whose mother has COPD has to drive to her mother's house every single day to check on her, fix her meals, give her breathing treatments, etc. Her mother is on oxygen and my friend is convinced she is still sneaking cigarettes. My friend, who is an only child, lives in fear she will go to the house one day and find it burned down. I know many other people who deal with the similar situations. The stubbornness is pathological and it puts not only the elder but also neighbors in jeopardy. Aging in place is great ... up to a point. But at some point it becomes taking advantage of other people and maybe even dying and not having your body found for days.
I was mostly with you until I read this. Why is that so bad? Is it the ickiness factor? Just wondering.
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Old 03-07-2015, 07:05 PM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 19,393,484 times
Reputation: 15672
Quote:
Originally Posted by Escort Rider View Post
Mr5150, the issue is not whether mom "dies in her own home", but rather what abject misery mom will have to endure before she dies, all due to her pig-headedness, or as Jukesgrrl put it in a more kindly fashion, her pathological stubbornness.

What adult child who cares about his or her mom is going to be able to stand by when mom is no longer capable of fixing her own meals and also stubbornly refuses to accept meals on wheels or similar, all in the misguided name of respecting mom's autonomy? Don't tell me you are fine with the concept of your own mother slowly starving to death while in a state of confusion.

The standard of governmental intrusion into someone's life is that the person be a danger to himself or to others. That is also a good standard for the forceful intervention of adult children, and it has nothing to do with inheritances in most cases.
Excellent points. My mother refused senior transport, refused meals on wheels, refused a life alert, and even refused to open her door to us when she was ill. She was the Madame deFarge of Independence, or so she thought. But she commanded our presence and services on her terms. The untold misery on our part, which I've talked about, was unreal. And we were in our mid to late 50s then, not so young, and me not terribly mobile. Add to that the dangers of operating the stove, falling asleep in wrong places, falling and injury, you are no longer talking "independence." That is an illusion/delusion these old folks want to believe. Very few elegant old ladies and gents glide into their 90s on their own in their own home. That said, we would have taken her in to live with us, but....yep, she refused.
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Old 03-07-2015, 07:09 PM
Status: "Support the Mining Law of 1872" (set 17 days ago)
 
Location: Cody, WY
9,861 posts, read 11,410,562 times
Reputation: 19915
Quote:
Originally Posted by newenglandgirl View Post
Yes, my sister and I did rehearse taking our mother for "a little ride" somewhere, never to return. This was after she started a fire in her kitchen and then fell asleep at her TV tray in the l.r. and fell over, gashing her forehead and bleeding all over kingdom come (neighbor found her). Again I repeat, FINE for elders to stay planted in their homes, IF they are truly independent and are not going to become a major unwelcome burden to their families. I'm not saying to necessarily be mean to Grandma and force her out. I refer to some of my posts, above, about the stark realities.
Yout DIL is dreaming of the day she takes you for ''a little ride'' to the nice facility where they'll load you with antidepressants so that lying in your own waste won't bother you.

You've written about her; she won't suddenly start to love you. You know she controls your son.
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Old 03-07-2015, 07:09 PM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 19,393,484 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lenora View Post
I was mostly with you until I read this. Why is that so bad? Is it the ickiness factor? Just wondering.
My mother died in the house across from my sister she bought at age 90 (coerced). My BIL was supposed to put in her room a.c. that hot day, but "forgot." The coroner estimated she was gone about 48 hrs before being found. It was not a a very aesthetic ending, actually traumatic for my sister and me. Police carried her out, terrible scene on a hot summer night.
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Old 03-07-2015, 07:13 PM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 19,393,484 times
Reputation: 15672
Quote:
Originally Posted by Happy in Wyoming View Post
Yout DIL is dreaming of the day she takes you for ''a little ride'' to the nice facility where they'll load you with antidepressants so that lying in your own waste won't bother you.

You've written about her; she won't suddenly start to love you. You know she controls your son.
I would never deign to put my family through what my mother put her daughters through, so I probably won't get to that point. But remember, my mother unlike me was nasty and completely uncooperative. Our family would have gladly worked together to keep her in her home if she had let us do the shopping and housecleaning, and had let us in to check on her and take her for physicals, and had not been a fountainhead of insult. After she set the kitchen on fire, that was it.
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Old 03-07-2015, 07:18 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
24,394 posts, read 15,744,402 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Curmudgeon View Post
Gonna live where we want and how we want. Oh! Wait! That's what we're doing and has been since we both retired. What a concept!

Where our children and grandchildren live is not a factor as with today's mobile society, too many have moved to be near them or stayed in place because of them only to have them pick-up and move elsewhere as jobs, finances, medical issues, weather patterns or new employment opportunities have beckoned or dictated.

How willing are you to let your children and/or grandchildren essentially dictate how and where you spend your retirement years? We're certainly not.
I think I've posted quite a bit about our choice to live near our kids and grandkids. Your sentence about the presence of family members dictating where we live is a bit one sided, my friend. Some of us choose this freely, as we did. It does make a difference that where they live is a very nice place. And we do see our family more often than we did before, and it is very gratifying to us to be grandma and grandma to our grands.

Every situation is unique. In our case moving for our kids in not going to happen. So, our decision was that much easier.
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Old 03-07-2015, 07:34 PM
 
Location: Baltimore, MD
3,858 posts, read 4,358,968 times
Reputation: 7114
Quote:
Originally Posted by newenglandgirl View Post
My mother died in the house across from my sister she bought at age 90 (coerced). My BIL was supposed to put in her room a.c. that hot day, but "forgot." The coroner estimated she was gone about 48 hrs before being found. It was not a a very aesthetic ending, actually traumatic for my sister and me. Police carried her out, terrible scene on a hot summer night.
I'll be sure to keep my father's a.c on during the warm months. Thx.
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Old 03-07-2015, 07:43 PM
 
Location: Sierra Nevada Land, CA
8,788 posts, read 9,575,377 times
Reputation: 14130
Quote:
Originally Posted by Escort Rider View Post
Mr5150, the issue is not whether mom "dies in her own home", but rather what abject misery mom will have to endure before she dies, all due to her pig-headedness, or as Jukesgrrl put it in a more kindly fashion, her pathological stubbornness.

What adult child who cares about his or her mom is going to be able to stand by when mom is no longer capable of fixing her own meals and also stubbornly refuses to accept meals on wheels or similar, all in the misguided name of respecting mom's autonomy? Don't tell me you are fine with the concept of your own mother slowly starving to death while in a state of confusion.

The standard of governmental intrusion into someone's life is that the person be a danger to himself or to others. That is also a good standard for the forceful intervention of adult children, and it has nothing to do with inheritances in most cases.
I am not talking about the completely demented. Danger to self and others? Note my user name. I know of such things.

My guess is you are rightly burned out dealing with you three over 90 relatives. Just stop enabling. Stop! Live your life. Not driven by guilt!

Mom and aunts have the right to die in their own homes which is what old school professionals want to prevent. Would you want to hauled away by the nanny state cuz some Social Worker (me) has decided it is for your own good? I do have the authority in CA.

If mom wishes to die in her own home that is fine. If mom is so demented she cannot feed herself that is another matter. I think you are not getting it. Mostly I see medical professionals wishing to cover their backsides recommending that mom be placed in a facility, because she might fall and crack her head open and die at home. Works for me (personally)

You want abject misery? I would suggest life in a nursing home as a person who is not totally demented.

Let your mom die in peace at home. It is OK to say no the next time she calls.
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Old 03-07-2015, 07:49 PM
 
Location: I'm around here someplace :)
3,633 posts, read 4,533,965 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by newenglandgirl View Post
If it is indeed "independence." Many elders maintain their "personal dignity" on the aching backs of adult kids.
Oh, no, I'm not referring to situations like that at all.
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