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Old 03-06-2015, 06:39 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,018 posts, read 17,735,102 times
Reputation: 32304

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Quote:
Originally Posted by jean_ji View Post
The quote the OP was referring to used the phrase "children and/or grandchildren essentially dictate where you live." That wording is inflammatory and I did react to it. I guess the train wreck of the "where are the people who don't have enough to retire" and similar threads with judgemental tones has worn me out this week and I am disheartened and sensitive. Time to give C-D a break for a bit and regain some equanimity.
Couldn't rep you again, so I'll just say I can relate. Pure meanness and nastiness, especially if directed against us personally, is indeed discouraging. There was a lot of strong feeling and anger (not the same as pure meanness and nastiness) in the "Where are the people...." thread.
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Old 03-06-2015, 06:41 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
17,035 posts, read 17,348,573 times
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Well, I am still working so it would be impossible for me to move to be close to my grandson, who lives 2,000 miles away. Plus his parents will be moving to a new city in a few months and after that are likely to be moving again in a few years. Our other adult child is not married but when (or if) she gets married and has children the odds of her living in the same part of the country, or the world, as her brother are pretty unlikely.

So where would we move?

At one point my parents had grandchildren living in several different states. Where would they move? Although, my parents are now passed away, their grandchildren now are spread over ten states with one moving to another continent in a few months. If my parents were still alive, where would they move to be close to their grandchildren?

My cousin loves her grandchildren dearly. She & her husband own a house and both have jobs in northern Minnesota. Their grandchildren live in Wisconsin, North Dakota, southern Minnesota and Alaska. In addition, one grandchild moves with her parents who are in the army and are stationed in various places in the US and the world.

Where would they move to be close to their grandchildren?

Sure, it may work well for people who are retired and wealthy enough to move around and only have one set of grandchildren but for most people it is pretty difficult.

Last edited by germaine2626; 03-06-2015 at 06:50 PM..
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Old 03-06-2015, 06:51 PM
 
109 posts, read 103,680 times
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We've been fortunate to have our son and daughter-in-law live within 35 mins. drive since they married seven years ago. Our daughter remains in her birth state (we moved here to NC from there). She does not, nor will have, any children.

My son and DIL had a son three years ago, and we are thrilled to have the opportunity to be close enough to see him and be involved in his life during his formative years. We never know when a job or something else may take them away, but we don't plan to follow them when they do for the reasons noted in other posts above. We are savoring every moment we have with our grandson right now because nothing is guaranteed forever, right? However, we agree with what mathjack107 mentioned in that we will not be the ones to leave the area, as long as we can survive financially here. We love it here and plan to retire here.

This brings up an interesting thought, however, as both my family and my husband's still live in our birth state 900 miles away. They are aging and needing more attention. Although we visit several times each year, if we had not moved away we'd be much closer to them at a time when they are needing more time and attention from us. I realize that our children and grandchildren may not live near us either, when that time comes for us.

Gone are the days I lived as a child where most of the family and extended family lived in the same general area and visited very often. We had grandparents over for Sunday dinner every week and extended family every holiday. My cousins were considered best friends. The economy and employment situations have changed the times we live in, and increasingly, families don't stay in one place very long anymore.

As we age, though, the thought of another move is exhausting (we've moved eight times in our marriage due to my husband's career). We both want only one more move, and that would be into an independent/assisted living facility (as needs dictate) once we can no longer keep up with the maintenance of our home. We are in the process of eliminating all debt in our preparation for retirement, in hopes that we will have enough funds to travel to see family (or see the world!) more often than we do now.
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Old 03-06-2015, 07:00 PM
 
Location: Sierra Nevada Land, CA
8,395 posts, read 9,141,441 times
Reputation: 13031
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
Well, I am still working so it would be impossible for me to move to be close to my grandson, who lives 2,000 miles away. Plus his parents will be moving to a new city in a few months and after that are likely to be moving again in a few years. Our other adult child is not married but when (or if) she gets married and has children the odds of her living in the same part of the country as her brother are pretty unlikely.

So where would we move?

At one point my parents had grandchildren living in several different states. Where would they move? Although, my parents are now passed away, their grandchildren now are spread over ten states with one moving to another continent in a few months. If they were alive, where would they move?

My cousin loves her grandchildren dearly. She & her husband own a house and both have jobs in northern Minnesota. Their grandchildren live in Wisconsin, North Dakota, southern Minnesota and Alaska. In addition, one grandchildren moves with her parents who are in the army and are stationed in various places in the US and the world. Where would they move?
IMO you should live where it is best for YOU. That is our situation. We are a tad fortunate in that the long term plan for our son and dtr-in-law do want to settle in our area when life permits.

My point and idea that for some the idea of moving to be close to grandkids might work. For most not so much. My opinion is that this concept would work for most in a time when people of a certain age did not move every five years to pursue employment/career. These days the 20th century ideal of moving to live near your kids could involve changing locales on a regular basis.

Times have changed and one has to figure where is the best place to live for yourself.

As stated by me and others, chasing the grandkids as the parents make a life for themselves is not my idea of a way to spend the last part of my life. This isn't 1960. For better or worse (mostly worse IMO).
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Old 03-06-2015, 07:04 PM
 
Location: Denver CO
21,177 posts, read 11,780,372 times
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I can give the other perspective, which is that my parents moved to live near one set of grandkids and I then moved to where the rest of the family was with my own son. And it has been absolutely wonderful. My son has had an amazing relationship with his grandparents, and has brought them enormous joy. And then when my father passed away, my sibling and I are both local to support my mom.

I know it's not for everyone, but when it works, it's wonderful. I could absolutely see myself moving to live my son and his family (in another 20 years of course, he's only 10! lol!)
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Old 03-06-2015, 10:21 PM
 
48,516 posts, read 83,922,814 times
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I think it started with families moving apart long ago. They often create new lifes altho many stay in touch and visit. Then there are people who their children have used them as babysitters and do not want to continue that lifestyle. Others love it. To each his/her own.
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Old 03-07-2015, 06:58 AM
 
Location: St. George, Utah
756 posts, read 883,768 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jean_ji View Post
We did move to where the grandkids are, one of the better decisions we ever made. I wouldn't have missed this time for anything. We snowbird between FL and NY and spend 8 months in FL. The other grands have a home here too and spend their spring/summers here and head back to England when we come down in the fall again. We moved when the youngest was 3 months old. I spent this morning watching the 6 year old run/walk 17 laps around the school track for a fundraiser, something I wouldn't have made a special flight for and I'm a part of their everyday lives.

DH ended up taking a position within his company in the Southeast for a promotion and doing work he really loves. His other position was going national, which is when we realized we could move. He would have never thought of interviewing for the SE job if we hadn't moved here. He's able to do this job from NY for the few months we are there as his job involves air travel for the most part. He does spend some weeks in FL during the summer. The NY home is nearing the end, nothing is holding us there anymore.

If the kids do move one day, we will have spent the best time with the g-kids: when grandparents are an important part of their lives. We now live in a beautiful area we love with beaches, bicycling, kayaking and gardening, so it's not like we are sacrificing our lives here.

But I forgot, this is the retirement forum with threads where someone always know what is best for everyone, no exceptions no matter what the individual circumstances. I'm sure someone will come along here tellng me why it isn't possible to really enjoy my grandchildren, love the area we are in and be happy.
Your last paragraph notwithstanding, I am so envious of your situation! It sounds pretty perfect. Your comment about being there for the small stuff (the fundraiser at the track) really hits my heart. Those are the things I don't want to miss. What a great situation that you can be in a place that feels good to you AND be with your grandchildren as they grow. It makes me smile just to read your post! Enjoy! You are living my dream, just about to a 'T'.

However it isn't terribly likely to happen for me. My kids are still at home, but as they leave the nest they all have different destinations in mind even now. Highly unlikely that they will be settled close to one another. If they do, it will be in their home town which they all love but which I will not stay in full time, no way no how, once the kids are grown. I am off to warmer pastures, have to do it for my mental health. If I'm lucky, maybe one of them will settle someplace warm and I won't have to choose between my own well-being and being close to my grandkids.

Honestly I try not to think about it because it makes me sad that I'll have to make that choice, lol. Oh, the self-pity!! Well, we will likely maintain a home base where the family can gather periodically, and try to build some traditions together that way.

I never imagined myself as a visiting type of grandma (and I have always imagined those years--it's one of the things I've looked forward to most in my life) but it seems pretty likely I will be the one jetting in for Christmas, etc.

I missed out on having grandparents in my life and for whatever reason it really mattered to me, and I've also always looked forward to being a grandma--so I'm sure I've got more angst wrapped up in it than most. (I have grandparents, but saw them maybe once every 3-4 years for a week, if that.) On the other hand, being in the location that I really enjoy and that feels good to me, after spending a lifetime in one that (although lovely) decidedly does not suit me at all is also a very big deal going forward.

I'm learning to let go of some of the planning, trying to wrestle my future into submission, forcing it to be what I want it to be. I'm going to need to be flexible, not my forte, and be happy with things the way they turn out. Will we follow our kids around in order to be near our grandchildren? Well, maybe part of the year we'll have long visits to each.

We have also considered keeping a place large enough to accomodate all our grandchildren (assuming we have a handful) and having them all together to visit us for a period of weeks every summer. But the reality is that families are very busy--who knows if that is a realistic plan? Has anyone here done that on a regular basis?

I love reading other perspectives & experiences--it greatly reduces my anxiety to see that happiness/contentment is possible in a variety of scenarios. I tend to be a little laser-focused on the planning end. It has served me well in some ways, caused me to miss a little of life in others.
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Old 03-07-2015, 07:07 AM
 
11,264 posts, read 8,427,500 times
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We are currently in a situation that falls into this category. I'm from the South and he's from New England. But I've lived all over and would be happy anywhere he is. He did complain about the cold but I moved up to NE, then got the offer in Hawaii so we went there. Though he regrets leaving there, he would complain about being too far from the kids and flights were expensive. (we flew 3 of the kids over for visits) and he went back once during that year.

Now we're in the middle of the south (Hotlanta) and he can catch a flight to NE to visit kids/grandkids (he's there now) and we can drive to FL to see the other kids, grandkid. The problem is the job I have isn't permanent but MIGHT be eventually. We've been advised not to hold our breath so I have applications in all over. Because he kept pining away (at least verbally) for NE, I've applied to several jobs up there. NOW he says "maybe that's not the right place" AAAGGGHHH *insert sound of ripping hair*

So basically, I've got applications in for jobs in the Far East, Europe, Cuba, and from Hawaii to NY and all points in between. Screw it! Let God decide. We can enjoy where we are at the moment and fly home to see family.

I'll be retiring in a few years so it would be nice to get a job where we can spend happily-ever-after. If he ever realizes how to be happy.

Last edited by hunterseat; 03-07-2015 at 07:57 AM..
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Old 03-07-2015, 07:21 AM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 31,482,868 times
Reputation: 29071
Quote:
Originally Posted by jean_ji View Post
The quote the OP was referring to used the phrase "children and/or grandchildren essentially dictate where you live." That wording is inflammatory and I did react to it. I guess the train wreck of the "where are the people who don't have enough to retire" and similar threads with judgemental tones has worn me out this week and I am disheartened and sensitive. Time to give C-D a break for a bit and regain some equanimity.
I disagree that it was inflammatory because a decision to follow the grands is just that- a personal decision to be guided by where they may settle. That's merely fact, not recrimination or judgment. I do agree that a break might be in order and am sincerely sorry that you're disheartened.

In our case and between us we have seven children, fourteen grandchildren and one great grandchild scattered throughout four states and seven municipalities within them. I suppose we could flip coins, throw darts or hold a lottery as to which ones we should live near or buy a large RV and rotate but for us, it just makes more sense to live where we want to be and make and welcome visits.

Last edited by Curmudgeon; 03-07-2015 at 07:53 AM..
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Old 03-07-2015, 07:22 AM
 
Location: St. George, Utah
756 posts, read 883,768 times
Reputation: 1971
Quote:
Originally Posted by hunterseat View Post
We are currently in a situation that falls into this category. I'm from the South and he's from New England. But I've lived all over and would be happy anywhere he is. He did complain about the cold but I moved up to NE, then got the offer in Hawaii so we went there. Though he regrets leaving there, he would complain about being too far from the kids and flights were expensive. (we flew 3 of the kids over for visits) and he went back once during that year.

Now we're in the middle of the south (Hotlanta) and he can catch a flight to NE to visit kids/grandkids (he's there now) and we can drive to FL to see the other kids, grandkid. The problem is the job I have isn't permanent but MIGHT be eventually. We've been advised not to hold our breath so I have applications in all over. Because he kept pining away (at least verbally) for NE, I've applied to several jobs up there. NOW he says "maybe that's not the right place" AAAGGGHHH *insert sound of ripping hair*

So basically, I've got applications in for jobs in the Far East, Europe, Cuba, and from Hawaii to NY and all points in between. Screw it! Let God decide. We can enjoy where we are at the moment and fly home to see.

I'll be retiring in a few years so it would be nice to get a job where we can spend happily-ever-after. If he ever realizes how to be happy.
I hope God decides Cuba or Hawaii!!
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