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Old 03-24-2015, 12:04 PM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 31,467,321 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mathjak107 View Post
glad it worked out for you but for most it will not end well for all the reasons i mentioned above.there is a huge price to pay genarally ,either financially or relationship wise with family members and spouses.

of course not everyone can afford to insure these things but there are cheaper alternatives.

the main thing is if you will be the caregiver you have to be aware of all the emotions and resentment you may eventually feel towards other family members and expect to have to deal with these issues in your head.
All true. And let's not overlook the physical toll that can occur. I've been my wife's primary caretaker for the past two years and while thankfully retired, it's draining and has likely impacted my health. That's not a complaint, just a reality. I finally had to surrender to reality and get a housekeeper to come in every other week and pay for yard/lawn care. I just haven't had the energy to do it all while also being the household chef, the chauffer, laundryman, shopper, interim housekeeper, wound care provider, prescription manager, banker, and more.

It's a huge issue.
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Old 03-24-2015, 12:32 PM
 
Location: Loudon, TN
5,767 posts, read 4,825,615 times
Reputation: 19395
Quote:
Originally Posted by Windwalker2 View Post
Even if parents have saved enough money, or maybe bought LTC insurance, there are other needs besides money. Someone has to handle paying bills when they get too old. Someone has to oversee medical care. Someone has to make sure the parent is not being badly treated at the ALF or SNF. Someone has to ensure the parent is not scammed into giving money or possessions to greedy people. Etc. Etc. This can go on for many, many years, and be very wearing.
It is true that, even with LTC, a trusted individual has to handle the financial and medical issues. We do this for my MIL and it is making me aware that this will be needed by us at some point when we reach that stage. With direct deposit and auto bill payment, the financial duties are not a big deal. We do her taxes and monitor her income and expenses. For most Dr appts I accompany MIL because she usually can't answer questions about her medications or medical history, so when it is my time I will print and laminate a concise medical history of myself (before I lose my memories) and take it to my own appts.

This duty is not a heavy one, and I would not feel terrible inflicting it on a younger sibling or niece or nephew. I would work out with them ahead of time what sort of payment they would appreciate for performing duties as my medical proxy and fiduciary. I am observing with care which of my potential caregivers I would entrust with this.
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Old 03-24-2015, 01:02 PM
 
2,429 posts, read 3,221,988 times
Reputation: 3330
To me handling finances was the easiest part of it. Once I put all my mom's bills online, simple. Once I was on her utility bill notes as someone they could discuss the bill with, it went smoothly. And of course I was on her HIPPA forms, my brother, too

It's the TIME of actual appointments that can be draining. But even that is 'manageable' And in our case -- it was all about the diagnoses of what illness you're dealing with. As long as mom just neded looking in on, and being dropped off at the doc and picked up again...fine. Maybe a little help bathing, fine. That takes a little time but nothing that can'' be worked with or worked around. But once her dementia got to the point where she couldn't be left alone -- well THAT's a game changer for the time commitment. Until we hired aides, my brother's family was drained beyond what should have happened. I admit we - I, since I'm the one who handled finances -- waited until they were walking zombies about to fall, before we brought in aides. That I regret.

((But as I've said before mom never fought us on anything and did all we asked. She was sort of the perfect elder to care for.))
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Old 03-24-2015, 03:55 PM
 
2,014 posts, read 1,253,445 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cat1116 View Post
Maybe the parents spent it on "trying to give what they thought was the best they could give" to their offspring thus forsaking their plans. Offspring leaving out those details in OP for convenience sake? We don't really know, do we? Maybe they didn't know - that's possible too.

Some parents wishing they had the cute, sweet, generosity of someone else's kids since theirs thinks their parents owe them the world? The parents may have tried real hard to get the kid to appreciate the value of things but instead they (the kids) want to be more like the kids from the real rich parents of their best school buddy? There is that possibility.

We won't really know why/what prevented the parents from saving for their old age anymore than I guess anyone's life growing up with any one particular parent or both. There will always be two sides to the story - the one we get to hear and the one we don't.
Just to clarify since you seem intent on character assassination; the in-laws did not do jack for their kids and they never had any financial discipline at all. They always spent every nickel they had as soon as they had it. They also 'borrowed' money from their kids with no intention of paying it back.

So you can stick it in your ear.
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Old 03-25-2015, 02:31 PM
 
Location: EPWV
11,039 posts, read 6,194,296 times
Reputation: 12203
No, I don't. Sorry you seem to think that. Guess the word/s "may" and "maybe" are too definitive for you?
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Old 03-25-2015, 02:45 PM
 
Location: EPWV
11,039 posts, read 6,194,296 times
Reputation: 12203
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wanderer0101 View Post
Just to clarify since you seem intent on character assassination; the in-laws did not do jack for their kids and they never had any financial discipline at all. They always spent every nickel they had as soon as they had it. They also 'borrowed' money from their kids with no intention of paying it back.

So you can stick it in your ear.
So, I guess you want to believe EVERYTHING the kids tell you. That's fine. That's your prerogative
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Old 03-25-2015, 03:13 PM
 
2,014 posts, read 1,253,445 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cat1116 View Post
So, I guess you want to believe EVERYTHING the kids tell you. That's fine. That's your prerogative
I don't know what planet you live on but I've been observing these people for forty years so I'm not relying on anything anyone is telling me. I am however, completely done with your monumental ignorance.
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Old 03-26-2015, 04:08 AM
 
Location: EPWV
11,039 posts, read 6,194,296 times
Reputation: 12203
Quote:
Originally Posted by mimigana View Post
In some cultures, the grown-up children will care for their old parents, just like they were cared for when they were little. The parents in those cultures love their children unconditionally and care for them lovingly without expecting payback, and in turn, the children will love and willingly care for them when they are old. Children are the parents' responsibility until they are married. There's no pressure for them to leave the house by the time they are 18. Retirement home is not even an option.

I myself strongly believe in the old adage, we reap what we sow. If we as parents love our children unconditionally, they will do the same thing to us. Also, children live by example. They see the way we treat our parents and they will treat us the same way.
⬆️^^THIS, hopefully^^
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Old 03-27-2015, 07:04 AM
 
Location: it depends
6,074 posts, read 5,331,639 times
Reputation: 5771
So two of us children stayed in the area, the other three moved away. Burden of aging folks all fell on us two. Sacrifice my life so Mom could stay in her own home? Fine ambition, except for wife and kids with their own needs. No thanks--into assisted living goes Mom, then the nursing home, then the funeral home. We told our kids to NEVER take years out of their young lives to serve us in our later years.

Wisest thing I've read in this thread: you reap what you sow. Karma, baby!
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Old 03-27-2015, 07:16 AM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,018 posts, read 17,726,438 times
Reputation: 32304
Quote:
Originally Posted by mimigana View Post
In some cultures, the grown-up children will care for their old parents, just like they were cared for when they were little. The parents in those cultures love their children unconditionally and care for them lovingly without expecting payback, and in turn, the children will love and willingly care for them when they are old. Children are the parents' responsibility until they are married. There's no pressure for them to leave the house by the time they are 18. Retirement home is not even an option.

I myself strongly believe in the old adage, we reap what we sow. If we as parents love our children unconditionally, they will do the same thing to us. Also, children live by example. They see the way we treat our parents and they will treat us the same way.
Yes, "in some cultures". But that has nothing to do with the reality of present-day culture in the United States, with its geographical mobility and its high divorce rate. In traditional cultures, large extended families live in the same village or the same neighborhood, so there is more help available for everything from child care to elder care.

My objection to posts like the above is that they are not connected to reality. They are simply idealizing another way of life which is unattainable in modern society.
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