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Old 03-27-2015, 07:18 AM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,994,426 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ormari View Post
The idea that upon birth, we inherit the responsibility to care for our parents until death is a laughable erosion of our freedoms under American ideals. It is, in essence, being born into indentured servitude, or worse.
I could not agree less. And it's not so much a moral responsibility as an ethical one. As we marry or partner for "better or worse," so we have this with our parents: I will not abandon you if you have few or no resources for your care, nor will I allow you any kind of negligent care. Within that promise there is a range of possibilities as to a solution.
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Old 03-29-2015, 05:56 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Escort Rider View Post
Yes, "in some cultures". But that has nothing to do with the reality of present-day culture in the United States, with its geographical mobility and its high divorce rate. In traditional cultures, large extended families live in the same village or the same neighborhood, so there is more help available for everything from child care to elder care.

My objection to posts like the above is that they are not connected to reality. They are simply idealizing another way of life which is unattainable in modern society.
I think many in the older generation think like this. A friend of my mothers really irritated me when she got in our business and said "you know when we were young we took care of our parents". to which I responded, "way back when you were young, women didn't have to work". It's irritating when older people "expect" and don't seem to give a damn what it's going to do to their kids.
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Old 03-29-2015, 09:15 PM
 
14,266 posts, read 24,013,182 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by petch751 View Post
I think many in the older generation think like this. A friend of my mothers really irritated me when she got in our business and said "you know when we were young we took care of our parents". to which I responded, "way back when you were young, women didn't have to work". It's irritating when older people "expect" and don't seem to give a damn what it's going to do to their kids.

On the other hand, if people lived the same lifestyle as their parents did way back then, women would not have to work. However, when the 900 sq ft homeis replaced with a 3200 sq ft home, one functional vehicle with two luxury vehicles ...
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Old 03-30-2015, 10:00 AM
 
39,322 posts, read 20,390,256 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jlawrence01 View Post
On the other hand, if people lived the same lifestyle as their parents did way back then, women would not have to work. However, when the 900 sq ft homeis replaced with a 3200 sq ft home, one functional vehicle with two luxury vehicles ...
That may be true of some people but not of most people. Many people don't have to option of not working to make ends meet. Then again, it is their choice.

Last edited by petch751; 03-30-2015 at 10:11 AM..
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Old 03-30-2015, 10:14 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jlawrence01 View Post
On the other hand, if people lived the same lifestyle as their parents did way back then, women would not have to work. However, when the 900 sq ft homeis replaced with a 3200 sq ft home, one functional vehicle with two luxury vehicles ...
I live a better lifestyle than my parents. We live well below our means, dreamed and planned for the future which was ... instead of planting our asses on a rocking chair or waiting for visits, we planned on traveling. Since we don't get "a pension" we also are taking care of our own retirement funding.

All those plans are blown now, not by our doing. Mom expects us to take care of her 24/7 at her home. That's ok, I'll get to spend time with her, I do enjoy her. Do I love her less, no. Am I angry, yes. I am angry that the previous generation just assume the kids will take care of them, angry that they are determined to stay in their home no matter the stress or strain it puts on the kids.

We did all the right things for our future, we didn't realize we had to plan and save for their future too. No wonder they call us the sandwich generation.

I'll try to push my dreams out of my head for now and hope that by the time I do get to go I am healthy enough to be able to live our dream.

Last edited by petch751; 03-30-2015 at 11:20 AM..
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Old 03-31-2015, 04:18 PM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,994,426 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by petch751 View Post
I live a better lifestyle than my parents. We live well below our means, dreamed and planned for the future which was ... instead of planting our asses on a rocking chair or waiting for visits, we planned on traveling. Since we don't get "a pension" we also are taking care of our own retirement funding.

All those plans are blown now, not by our doing. Mom expects us to take care of her 24/7 at her home. That's ok, I'll get to spend time with her, I do enjoy her. Do I love her less, no. Am I angry, yes. I am angry that the previous generation just assume the kids will take care of them, angry that they are determined to stay in their home no matter the stress or strain it puts on the kids.

We did all the right things for our future, we didn't realize we had to plan and save for their future too. No wonder they call us the sandwich generation.

I'll try to push my dreams out of my head for now and hope that by the time I do get to go I am healthy enough to be able to live our dream.
There's a difference between caring for aging parents who have financial resources, and for those who don't. My mother had fewer resources, so we did everything humanly possible to keep her in her home, her preference. If she had had more money, we would have said we love you but go into assisted living or you're on your own.

Does your mom have any resources that could place her in even a modest assisted living, so you can continue to see her regularly but not take care of her 24/7?
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Old 03-31-2015, 09:31 PM
 
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Originally Posted by newenglandgirl View Post
There's a difference between caring for aging parents who have financial resources, and for those who don't. My mother had fewer resources, so we did everything humanly possible to keep her in her home, her preference. If she had had more money, we would have said we love you but go into assisted living or you're on your own.

Does your mom have any resources that could place her in even a modest assisted living, so you can continue to see her regularly but not take care of her 24/7?
No, she does not have the resources (no savings or investments), she just gets social security with a small pension which barely cover her living expenses. If we put her in assisted living we will have to pay additional, if she stays at home we stay with her and pay for help because my brother can't give up his job, or me my business. She wants to stay home, believe me, if she had money I would say spend every single penny to stay home (pay for home care) if you want. If we do what she wants it will cost us a lot in time and money. We are thrown into a bad place either way.
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Old 04-01-2015, 02:15 AM
 
71,763 posts, read 71,875,234 times
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we view our long term care policies as not nursing home care but our ticket to having in home care on our own terms. odds are we will require in home care at some point .
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Old 04-02-2015, 11:52 AM
 
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One of the most insensitive things I heard after my husband died was "Don't you wish now that you'd had kids? Who's going to take care of you in your old age?"

I've always objected to the idea of being born with this obligation and not even having a chance to NOT sign that contract. The idea of "your parents sacrificed for you, now you have to sacrifice for them" is nonsense. THEY chose to have us. Now, if you have a good relationship with your parents, of course you want to help them. And in an ideal world, they come live with you, baby-sit your kids, help with cooking and housework, everyone sits down to a nice dinner every night in a house filled with love, and when grandma gets sick, she never gets so sick that she can't get to the bathroom by herself, and she dies peacefully in her sleep one night. Do YOU know any families like that? I don't. My mother was a cruel, self-centered woman for whom nothing we ever did was enough. My sister spent twelve years trying to help her build a life after her husband died -- all to no avail. One of the last things Mom said to her was "You could have done more to help me."

So no, I'm not sorry I didn't have kids, because that is a TERRIBLE reason to bring a child into the world. Yes, I fear for the future. I'm 60 and in good health and I still want to live in a HOUSE, not an apartment, because even in an apartment, you still have to change the lightbulbs. But yes, I do worry about what happens when I can no longer drive (though my father is 90 and battling cancer and he still drives). But I've lived frugally and saved, I have long-term care insurance, and with no heirs, the aide who eventually provides care is welcome to take as much of my stuff as she wants/needs.

Oh, and a comment about wills: My mother used to change her will whenever she was angry at one or the other of us. My sister and I agreed that no matter what the will said, after the distribution was made we would split everything 50/50, plus whatever my sister felt she needed for "battle pay" and things Mom had needed that she was too cheap to pay for -- like a furnace for her own house. My sister asked for a very reasonable figure, I let her have that amount, and we had NO arguments about inheritance. Those of you with siblings might want to take notes, for wills can destroy family relationships for generations.
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Old 04-02-2015, 01:43 PM
 
Location: Jamestown, NY
7,841 posts, read 7,338,037 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jlawrence01 View Post
On the other hand, if people lived the same lifestyle as their parents did way back then, women would not have to work. However, when the 900 sq ft homeis replaced with a 3200 sq ft home, one functional vehicle with two luxury vehicles ...
NONSENSE. Most women have always had to work, either at the family business (like the store or the farm) or outside the home in a factory or to take in outside work like doing laundry or mending to contribute to the family money. Only the upper and upper middle class women who had husbands could afford to be above "work". Most working and lower middle class women worked at some kind of "job" that brought in income going back to the mid-19th century. BTW, even children worked in various jobs in the 19th century, from chimney sweeping to textile factory work to even coal mining.
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