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Old 04-03-2015, 07:32 PM
mlb
 
Location: North Monterey County
3,179 posts, read 2,851,972 times
Reputation: 4871

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Quote:
Originally Posted by poodlecamper View Post

So although she doesn't expect us to care for her ,the reality is that if /when a situation occurs, younger sister and I will have to travel 700/3000 miles to handle a crisis situation. Older sister and niece were "not able" to take Mom to see a specialist 2 1/2 hours away, DH and I traveled to her and took her.
In my view, this is being selfish.

This reminds me of my SIL and the first inkling I had that she should never be put in charge of her mother's or father's care. She confided that when she visited her mother (flying from North Carolina to Los Angeles) - her mother needed someone to take her to get her mammogram. SIL told me that she never wanted to see her mother undress.... and chose to go to the beach instead.

She couldn't be bothered.

Years later when we were talking about assisted living for the folks she tried to convince her parents to move close to her. Gladly, they declined.
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Old 04-03-2015, 08:17 PM
 
Location: Baltimore, MD
3,745 posts, read 4,213,572 times
Reputation: 6866
Quote:
Originally Posted by poodlecamper View Post
Our Mom moved 1200 miles away when she was in her mid 40's. So no grandmother presence , no babysitting,etc for our kids. OK, made me and my younger sister independent, kind of hurt that she never wanted to spend Christmas with the grands , but we all maintained a close relationship.
Older sister (the leech, the taker, the favorite) moved in and lived off Mom 15+ years , then decided to move to her daughter's 150 miles away. So there's Mom, 89, alone with no family, no friends, in a sketchy neighborhood. Refuses to live with me or my sister. Are we worried? You bet we are. She doesn't expect anything from us, but I guess we "were raised right" because we're not happy with this.
So although she doesn't expect us to care for her ,the reality is that if /when a situation occurs, younger sister and I will have to travel 700/3000 miles to handle a crisis situation. Older sister and niece were "not able" to take Mom to see a specialist 2 1/2 hours away, DH and I traveled to her and took her.
In my view, this is being selfish.
If your Mom is 89 and your sister recently moved out, it appears that your older sister was caring for your Mom since your Mom was in her mid 70's. Big sis wants to live with HER daughter and Mom refuses to move in with her other daughters. Who's being selfish here?
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Old 04-04-2015, 08:31 AM
 
39,213 posts, read 20,334,087 times
Reputation: 12734
Quote:
Originally Posted by mateo45 View Post
Yep, I liked my health insurance, but lost it due to Obamacare. My rates increased by $200 a month and deductibles doubled and the healthcare insurance is not as good as the insurance I had before. Shall I go on about all the negatives that I found since Obamacare now that I got to see what's in it?

And yep, this stinks, my mother, worked, paid her way and now that she needs help can't get help. Only the poor get help, too bad for people who paid all their lives. It makes me sick how some people get help all their lives and government will even help them stay in their home when elderly. But for those who never took out of the system can't get one damn bit of help and now it falls on the kids who you guessed it, who also pay into the system to pay for those getting help. And then the poor have enough nerve to complain.
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Old 04-04-2015, 04:04 PM
 
Location: NC
720 posts, read 1,484,393 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lenora View Post
If your Mom is 89 and your sister recently moved out, it appears that your older sister was caring for your Mom since your Mom was in her mid 70's. Big sis wants to live with HER daughter and Mom refuses to move in with her other daughters. Who's being selfish here?
Let me correct your interpretation here. Older sister did not move in to care for Mom, she had nowhere to go, 4 divorces behind her and didn't get along with her 2 adult daughters. Mom has financially supported her all these years. Mom still drives ,etc, but hell she's 89. Much has been done for older sister, but she takes and leaves. Did the same thing to our grandmother, once she was in Extended care and the soc sec checks went to the place, she never went to see grandma.
Since Mom was widowed 20 years ago ,we've tried to get her to move near one of us(I lived in the state where she grew up and her brother still lives)
I've seen this scenario played out many times, the son rushing from another state because of a medical emergency, and kids trying to negotiate medical care over the phone from far away.
We all get old , and making it more difficult for your loved ones to assist you because you're attached to a house,to me, is selfish. Remember, no friends or relatives live close by, save older sister who is not apt to help anyone.
How is it selfish to want your mother nearby to watch out for her? Neither one of us needs anything from her, financially or otherwise.
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Old 04-06-2015, 01:31 AM
 
5 posts, read 4,431 times
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To all you recommending retirement (nursing) homes you wouldn't if you cared about your loved ones. NO ONE is going to take as good care of your loved ones as you would period. My mother worked for some throughout her life and she quit many because of the horrible conditions the residents were forced to "live" in. Those who soiled themselves left to lay in it for hours, bedsores, & the ones that got the least family visitors were treated the worst, It's very sad I would never go to one.
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Old 04-06-2015, 03:44 AM
 
71,463 posts, read 71,629,249 times
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the reality is just wait until the spouse tries to lift 200lbs of limp flesh with zero support of their own to take them around . that is a severe injury waiting to happen. it usually does

even if you can manage to do it 24/7 takes its toll on most very quickly..

while in home care is what we all prefer unless you can fund it you got problems depending on the disability you have to try to care for.

who works and supports this couple as well if under retirement age if care is provided by family ?

want to know how it usually ends up including in my own family ?


one family member steps up to help either time wise or financially and the rest step back. that usually breeds resentment and fighting . you can bet if spouses are involved the one that helps will get grief for not confronting family members and the fighting starts.

usually the one that steps up loses job time , money and career opportunity's themselves.


that is why we wanted a good LTC plan where we pick the type of care ,where it is given and by whom. we do not want that responsibility put on our kids or to medicaid when the money ran out .

Last edited by mathjak107; 04-06-2015 at 03:53 AM..
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Old 04-06-2015, 07:05 AM
 
Location: Surf City, NC
364 posts, read 552,591 times
Reputation: 946
Quote:
Originally Posted by saavyconsoomer View Post
To all you recommending retirement (nursing) homes you wouldn't if you cared about your loved ones. NO ONE is going to take as good care of your loved ones as you would period. My mother worked for some throughout her life and she quit many because of the horrible conditions the residents were forced to "live" in. Those who soiled themselves left to lay in it for hours, bedsores, & the ones that got the least family visitors were treated the worst, It's very sad I would never go to one.
That's all well and good for you to say, but as Mathjack replied, 24/7 care is beyond the capability of most of us. My family was "lucky" that my dad died very quickly after he was diagnosed with metastized brain cancer. We couldn't have cared for him at home for much longer. My little 125 lb mom had to call my brother in the middle of the night to help get him up the one time he fell. Even with in-home help, she would have exhausted herself and injured her own health. Take the time to find a decent facility, and visit them often. I was very impressed when as a young woman I accompanied my boyfriend to visit his grandmother in a nursing home. He greeted the staff members by name and asked about them and their families. I commented on it as we drove home and he explained that they would take better care of his grandmother if they knew she had family that loved and cared for her. And they would do it more gladly if they thought you were good people who cared about them as well. These are low-wage folks who are struggling themselves and they deserve our thanks. When you bring a treat, bring enough to share.
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Old 04-06-2015, 08:06 AM
 
Location: Baltimore, MD
3,745 posts, read 4,213,572 times
Reputation: 6866
Quote:
Originally Posted by poodlecamper View Post
Let me correct your interpretation here. Older sister did not move in to care for Mom, she had nowhere to go, 4 divorces behind her and didn't get along with her 2 adult daughters. Mom has financially supported her all these years. Mom still drives ,etc, but hell she's 89. Much has been done for older sister, but she takes and leaves. Did the same thing to our grandmother, once she was in Extended care and the soc sec checks went to the place, she never went to see grandma.
Since Mom was widowed 20 years ago ,we've tried to get her to move near one of us(I lived in the state where she grew up and her brother still lives)
I've seen this scenario played out many times, the son rushing from another state because of a medical emergency, and kids trying to negotiate medical care over the phone from far away.
We all get old , and making it more difficult for your loved ones to assist you because you're attached to a house,to me, is selfish. Remember, no friends or relatives live close by, save older sister who is not apt to help anyone.
How is it selfish to want your mother nearby to watch out for her? Neither one of us needs anything from her, financially or otherwise.
I'm sorry, my posting was not clear. I believe your mother, not you or your older sister, is selfish. Regardless of the reason your sister moved in with your mother, I do not believe it is selfish of her to move into her child's home after all of those years living with your mother. A lot of seniors become selfish as they age (including my father who is also selfish to an annoying degree) and even though I understand why this can happen, I don't like it.
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Old 04-06-2015, 06:45 PM
mlb
 
Location: North Monterey County
3,179 posts, read 2,851,972 times
Reputation: 4871
Medicare.gov Nursing Home Compare

There is no reason why anyone should receive sub-standard care in a nursing home. They - unlike Assisted living centers - are regulated. Many states are very rigorous in their inspections.
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Old 04-06-2015, 08:41 PM
 
14,253 posts, read 23,969,886 times
Reputation: 20035
Quote:
Originally Posted by saavyconsoomer View Post
To all you recommending retirement (nursing) homes you wouldn't if you cared about your loved ones. NO ONE is going to take as good care of your loved ones as you would period. My mother worked for some throughout her life and she quit many because of the horrible conditions the residents were forced to "live" in. Those who soiled themselves left to lay in it for hours, bedsores, & the ones that got the least family visitors were treated the worst, It's very sad I would never go to one.

I would disagree. My Aunt chose to move into an elderly home run by the Little Sisters of the Poor, and the place is spotless and pretty much odorless. The staff genuinely cares about the residents and provides meaningful programming to keep them active and alert.

That home is NOT the only place that does a fine job. I have been in at least a dozen pleasant homes, all geared to low and moderate income retirees.
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