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Old 04-18-2015, 03:42 PM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 31,471,910 times
Reputation: 29071

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Quote:
Originally Posted by ormari View Post
If you would "take yourself out" before being a burden, then you would most certainly be in the minority.
Perhaps so. In at least that regard my parents were good roll models. They were never a burden on anyone.
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Old 04-18-2015, 11:48 PM
 
4,070 posts, read 1,554,506 times
Reputation: 7409
Quote:
Originally Posted by ormari View Post
^No. You may wish to look up what elements of a logical argument are before making that claim again. I encourage you to re-read the post you made. Beyond that, I can't help you.

You made a choice to have children, and hopefully you did an honorable job in raising them to be self-sufficient creatures. But there is generally an element of either mistake or vanity in the reproduction process. Both are inherently selfish in nature, and both forms of self-gratification.
lol @ "logical argument" followed by these statements of prejudice and assumption.
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Old 04-19-2015, 06:18 AM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,969,510 times
Reputation: 15649
Quote:
Originally Posted by wannagonorth View Post

There is really no logic to the claim that everyone is obligated to take care of their parents. There's only the insult: you're a bad person if you don't agree. They use blame and negative judgment because it's all they've got.
No one is "obligated" to take care of their parents. It's largely a cultural thing. Some retirees in our "me first" culture would not step up to the plate. It's also a personal thing. Some of us, raised by abusive parents, abandon them in old age; others do not. It depends on personal values, usually not learned from parents.

But what exactly is meant by "care for"? Are we talking about physically caring for an elder, such as bringing them to live in, making meals, grooming, driving them everywhere, etc? Or are we talking about looking out for and arranging for their comfort and safety, making sure (through whatever outside means) that they have a decent roof over their heads, food on the table, utilities, and needed transportation?

I don't know about you, but even if I lived thousands of miles away from a parent, I'd still do the latter.
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Old 04-22-2015, 01:38 AM
 
6,764 posts, read 3,857,072 times
Reputation: 15486
As an RN, I saw many families faced with the decision of how to care for elder family members when they truly became unable to care for themselves. Most were caught off guard because the need for such a change often comes up due to a sudden decline in the elder's mental or physical health.

Despite the best of intentions and sincere caring, most families are unprepared. They tend to underestimate the amount of energy, time, and money it takes to care for elders who need 24hr care and can do little for themselves.

Often one of the elder's children ends up facing this responsibility with no or little help and it becomes too much for them to handle. It can be extremely isolating, depressing, tiring and frustrating for a single caregiver despite their effort and good intentions. Sometimes it means quitting a job and having less income; other times the caregiver is older and/or already in declining health themself.

I am quite sure that this is often the reason elders end up in care facilities. Some receive excellent care, and it really helps if friends and family visit regularly and keep an eye out.
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Old 04-22-2015, 09:26 AM
 
39,225 posts, read 20,343,317 times
Reputation: 12743
Quote:
Originally Posted by Harpaint View Post
As an RN, I saw many families faced with the decision of how to care for elder family members when they truly became unable to care for themselves. Most were caught off guard because the need for such a change often comes up due to a sudden decline in the elder's mental or physical health.

Despite the best of intentions and sincere caring, most families are unprepared. They tend to underestimate the amount of energy, time, and money it takes to care for elders who need 24hr care and can do little for themselves.

Often one of the elder's children ends up facing this responsibility with no or little help and it becomes too much for them to handle. It can be extremely isolating, depressing, tiring and frustrating for a single caregiver despite their effort and good intentions. Sometimes it means quitting a job and having less income; other times the caregiver is older and/or already in declining health themself.

I am quite sure that this is often the reason elders end up in care facilities. Some receive excellent care, and it really helps if friends and family visit regularly and keep an eye out.
Harpaint this is exactly what happened in our family. A stroke, on the ventilator and now in rehab. All her mental facilities are there but its her legs, she's a high fall risk needing 24/7 supervision. Mom told the rehab that she has home care (me and my brother). We both work but not her concern. Before her 2nd fall I paid for some help since our lives were blown up but the burden on my finances are not her concern. My mother was never a selfish person before but she want's to go home and that's final. Me and my husband was looking to buy and move out of state, something we always wanted to do and finally able, now our dream is over, at least while we are barely still young enough to enjoy living our dream of moving and traveling. This not only effects me and my brother, it effects our families. But hey, mom is happy right?

She'll be released soon and we dread it, the other part is happy for her. Me and my brother are trapped. I guess it's a trap of our own making but I hope I don't end up hating her before giving up. Either way, it's a no win for me and my brother. If we have to put her in a home being that she is hard headed she'll play every manipulative trick she can. Don't they all?
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Old 04-22-2015, 09:29 AM
 
39,225 posts, read 20,343,317 times
Reputation: 12743
Here's what I learned. She worked, supported herself, accumulated just ss income in retirement to live on, no savings either, she is low income but since she "worked" she makes just enough so she can not qualify for medicaid and no home care assistance.

Here is the kicker, someone low income or on welfare, no property for recovery. These are the people that get the help, they even get help at home even though they probably have dead beat kids who are around and can help and don't worry about losing a job. Yep

And I'm not saying anything any different that a lot of people say. It's common knowledge that some people are helped from cradle to grave, those of us who support ourselves, paying into the system and can't get a dime of help.

Theeen! They have the nerve to complain they want more!

Last edited by petch751; 04-22-2015 at 09:42 AM..
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Old 04-22-2015, 04:48 PM
 
6,764 posts, read 3,857,072 times
Reputation: 15486
Quote:
Originally Posted by petch751 View Post
Here's what I learned. She worked, supported herself, accumulated just ss income in retirement to live on, no savings either, she is low income but since she "worked" she makes just enough so she can not qualify for medicaid and no home care assistance.

Here is the kicker, someone low income or on welfare, no property for recovery. These are the people that get the help, they even get help at home even though they probably have dead beat kids who are around and can help and don't worry about losing a job. Yep

And I'm not saying anything any different that a lot of people say. It's common knowledge that some people are helped from cradle to grave, those of us who support ourselves, paying into the system and can't get a dime of help.

Theeen! They have the nerve to complain they want more!
Petch, so sorry you are facing this challenge. I would suggest that you yourself speak with the social worker at the rehab and clarify the situation before discharge planning is completed. Your mother's resources should be used before your own, especially if this works an undue hardship on your own family. She may become eligible for medicaid assistance at a later date, especially if her health declines. Best wishes
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Old 04-22-2015, 09:04 PM
 
Location: Tennessee
23,571 posts, read 17,544,804 times
Reputation: 27627
Quote:
Originally Posted by Harpaint View Post
As an RN, I saw many families faced with the decision of how to care for elder family members when they truly became unable to care for themselves. Most were caught off guard because the need for such a change often comes up due to a sudden decline in the elder's mental or physical health.

Despite the best of intentions and sincere caring, most families are unprepared. They tend to underestimate the amount of energy, time, and money it takes to care for elders who need 24hr care and can do little for themselves.

Often one of the elder's children ends up facing this responsibility with no or little help and it becomes too much for them to handle. It can be extremely isolating, depressing, tiring and frustrating for a single caregiver despite their effort and good intentions. Sometimes it means quitting a job and having less income; other times the caregiver is older and/or already in declining health themself.

I am quite sure that this is often the reason elders end up in care facilities. Some receive excellent care, and it really helps if friends and family visit regularly and keep an eye out.
Most of us simply don't have the expertise to care for someone who is impaired, and even if we did, simply don't have the time due to having to work ourselves.
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