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Old 03-20-2015, 12:20 PM
 
526 posts, read 742,988 times
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they won't accept outside help/consider relocation as long as they can maneuver it from "children" Imagine getting everyone on same page next to impossible. My sibling had a fear "elder abuse" could be charged if we ignored mothers demands - speaking with an social worker specializing in elder care helped clarify that & other things (we were lucky, & had a good SW).
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Old 03-20-2015, 12:27 PM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 19,007,999 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eidas View Post
they won't accept outside help/consider relocation as long as they can maneuver it from "children" Imagine getting everyone on same page next to impossible. My sibling had a fear "elder abuse" could be charged if we ignored mothers demands - speaking with an social worker specializing in elder care helped clarify that & other things (we were lucky, & had a good SW).
Worrying about being charged with elder neglect , I contacted a social worker who asked the competency questions about our mother; she passed them all. We explained that aside from her ongoing demands on her terms, when she wanted to she would shut us out of her house by locking all doors including the storm doors and not answering the phone if she was ill. The social worker advised us to keep a dated journal (boy was that ever stressful) to detail what happened on what day over time, to present as evidence in case needed. The two social workers who we sent to her house got chased off the porch fast.
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Old 03-20-2015, 12:35 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas
13,906 posts, read 25,364,805 times
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I dedicated more than 10 years to elder care and while I am glad I "did the right thing"...that's a decade I'm not getting back! Just like most folks you will do what you have to do.

Looking back on my own situation with 20/20 hindsight, I should have had a family meeting and outlined my plans for retirement/moving. And told my parents they could either relocate to where I was going or make other plans for their continuing care. Then of course, you hope other sibs will also step up to the plate. I would have also explained that in retirement I would be living on a lot less and could no longer just jump on a plane whenever they needed help. I would put it out there honestly and let everyone express themselves.

And you never know. Someone may come up with a solution that means minimum involvement for you!
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Old 03-20-2015, 12:39 PM
 
Location: Backwoods of Maine
7,119 posts, read 8,172,582 times
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From the other end...

I am 67, wife is 65; my brother is 65, and her brother is 70. For now, we are all in good health, nobody is an alcoholic, etc. The 4 of us (all have children except wife's brother) have decided to stay together, in separate quarters on the same property, and not involve the children if it can possibly be avoided. Only my brother does not have a permanent residence here, yet.

We decided that we will care for each other as a group, until just one remains. We have all known each other for 40 years or longer; no surprises. We are having an attorney draw up wills, trusts, and POAs for later. In the case of my wife and I, we have already gifted our two children with the bulk of their inheritance, and my brother is thinking of doing the same for his kids.

This should either be a disaster - or a great success. It would be laughable, either way. Two spouses and two sets of siblings...can this possibly work? We hope so. The last thing any of us wants, is to be a burden on our kids. We already know that we'll be a burden on each other.

Why does the movie, "Going in Style" (George Burns) come to mind???
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Old 03-20-2015, 01:06 PM
 
Location: Kountze, Texas
1,013 posts, read 1,161,760 times
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My 80 y.o. mother recently told me that she feels she should soon stop driving and that by end of summer she is leaving her apartment and moving in with my younger sister. Sister's 2 children are grown and on their own - so mom is getting both of their bedrooms - one for sitting area. This has been talked about happening for quite a while now and I am so proud of my mother for making the pro-active decision on her own (with sister and BIL). I'm in AZ and mom and sisters are in MI.

I wish my MIL would make the decision (same age) to move into ALF - she is a lousy driver and refuses to admit it - and she is unsteady on her feet - refuses to use a cane or walker. We live 1 1/2 hours away and DH is down there at least every 2 weeks.
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Old 03-20-2015, 01:16 PM
 
6,703 posts, read 1,391,569 times
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As always, this kind of scenario is very personal and so I think people should do whatever they think is best for them. I am 61, and I think it should be the responsibility of older people to plan ahead and arrange matters so as not to be a burden to their children, but I came to that my opinion based on my experience.

My childhood essentially ended at age nine. I was the oldest child in a family with a severely disabled child who needed almost 24/7 care, so from the time I could do a household chore, I did it, and I was like a second mom to my younger siblings. I also had a paid job from the time I was 14 and gave 2/3 of my income to my parents until I married at age 18 and moved across the country -- during which time I got exactly one phone call and two letters from my mother in two years. Therefore, I feel that I owe my mother (now 82 -- my dad died in 1989) exactly nothing, and I feel absolutely no guilt for feeling that way. I do respect her very much, though, for surviving a very hard life without resorting to welfare or any kind of addictions. (Btw, she is now well-off financially and is in excellent health, and my sisters are close to her both geographically and emotionally, so that is another reason why I do not feel obligated to her at all.)

I truly feel very sorry for those who must care for someone when they don't want to do so.
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Old 03-20-2015, 01:57 PM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 19,007,999 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nor'Eastah View Post
From the other end...

I am 67, wife is 65; my brother is 65, and her brother is 70. For now, we are all in good health, nobody is an alcoholic, etc. The 4 of us (all have children except wife's brother) have decided to stay together, in separate quarters on the same property, and not involve the children if it can possibly be avoided. Only my brother does not have a permanent residence here, yet.

We decided that we will care for each other as a group, until just one remains. We have all known each other for 40 years or longer; no surprises. We are having an attorney draw up wills, trusts, and POAs for later. In the case of my wife and I, we have already gifted our two children with the bulk of their inheritance, and my brother is thinking of doing the same for his kids.

This should either be a disaster - or a great success. It would be laughable, either way. Two spouses and two sets of siblings...can this possibly work? We hope so. The last thing any of us wants, is to be a burden on our kids. We already know that we'll be a burden on each other.

Why does the movie, "Going in Style" (George Burns) come to mind???
Keep playing Poker and drinking gin and everything will be just fine.
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Old 03-20-2015, 02:45 PM
 
284 posts, read 260,376 times
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I'm blessed to still have my mother living. She was a care taker to both her parents and then to my dad, so she is VERY sensitive in making sure that she is not a burden to us. My husband's parent's were much more like the OP's, so I've seen both sides. Mom made the decision to move into a ILF about a year after my dad died and to keep her home as rental property to offset expenses. It's really worked out well. My husband and I are hoping to relocate upon retirement in a couple of years and fully intend to bring her with us. She often expresses how much she wants us to enjoy this time in our lives and I appreciate her so much for having this attitude. She's actually really looking forward to coming with us this summer to visit one of the areas we're seriously considering. Whether she lives with us or in another type of ILF/ALF will have to be determined when the time comes.
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Old 03-20-2015, 03:46 PM
 
Location: We_tside PNW (Columbia Gorge) / CO / SA TX / Thailand
22,694 posts, read 40,062,283 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wanderer0101 View Post
This is the scenario; here I sit on the edge of retirement (days to months) and the plan has always been to relocate. ... tempted to relocate far enough away from that commuting to help is a real pain ... Hope someone has a silver bullet solution but I realize there isn't one,....
1) never use all your Silver Bullets, they are hard to come by.
2) there will ALWAYS be more needs than you can serve (from in-laws, or others)
3) we are all on the 'temporary plan', time REALLY flies in early retirement (impending personal health needs)
4) we all have a lot to learn about aging
5) everyone ages differently, and a perfect plan is pretty elusive.

suggestions:
  1. Plan the move (consider being near an airport)
  2. Communicate with the family
  3. Help to bring / create a comprehensive solution
  4. There come's time in (most) senior / elderly lives where 'reason' becomes difficult to discern /implement (I find it starts to wain during decade of 80's (often due to 'losing' privileges / abilities)) Fortunately some NEVER wain, but... be prepared (have that comprehensive plan A, B and C mapped out, agreed, & documented) So no-one forgets!
  5. Be flexible... life / needs / plans change.http://www.city-data.com/forum/membe...y-flexible.jpg
  6. Be considerate, life is not such a big deal... we (spouse) have been split up by unexpected responsibilities for many months at a time and many times. We can cope and still support each other and truly VALUE our few(er) times together. It is a BONUS to be together during certain responsibilities (currently only 4-8 days / month via a 6 hr plane trip one way).
  7. Be adventurous / spontaneous, take some risk. step outside the box (the 'ideal-plan') Take advantage of 'precious moments'. We (spouse) meet in fun cities / areas of USA and the world where we have enjoyed or want to go. (We each came from our 'responsibilities' and met for the month of November in the Philippines and volunteered in a school). Spent a long weekend in Hong Kong, it was great. Then we were split up to address our responsibilities again. Will hope to be together for 2 wks in April, and again meet in Europe in Oct.

(30+ yrs of unplanned care-giving in my life, 30 more to come)

Last edited by StealthRabbit; 03-20-2015 at 03:54 PM..
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Old 03-20-2015, 05:33 PM
 
2,429 posts, read 3,230,899 times
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Do I think we should go out of our way for our elderly loved ones? Yes. I do. But there's a limit. And that limit is different for every different situation. Some people CAN move to where their parents are, other people cannot. Some people can move their parents in with them, others cannot.

Everyone has an 'ideal' scenario...but then reality can hit, and the truth of a matter day-to-day ultimately is very different.
I've found that so much depends on whether the elder is respectful and appreciative of the care and attention one is giving them -- OR fighting you every step of the way, and not doing ANYthing that's suggested to make the situation easier. Nasty, demanding and demeaning comments...guilt tips and and resistance to every practical suggestion are not going to foster a good situations. I was blessed with a mom who did everything we suggested...stopped driving without a fight......let us take over the finances and estate planning, let us hire live in health aides, .......and it STILL was burden. But SHE was so sweet.....we persevered, wore ourselves ragged, got so tired we could barely stand (we siblings were all still working at the time)....and now can honestly say we did all we could.

In the beginning you just don't know exactly how the situation may change and progress. I agree, its good to have plan A, B, and C. As time progresses you eventually figure out what outcome or situation YOU want -- or what you can -- or canNOT do .....AND the consequences you can LIVE WITH, as as result of those decisions. And that can take time to figure out. It's a change of life stage for all of you for different reasons of course.

It's so unfortunate when adult children/relatives-caregivers are pushed to such a limit where the ultimately give up and just say if their elder dies -- well they die. But NO.......I'm NOT cleaning their house out one more time....I'm NOT going to move to where they are...I'm NOT going to take the insults and guilt tips any more...I'm NOT going to call yet another home assistant only to have them chased off....I'm NOT going to leave work yet again only to find out it was NOT an emergency....I'm NOT keeping mom/dad in MY home so they can yell at and abuse MY kids....and show absolutely NO appreciation for what we're doing.

OP, you're doing exactly the right thing...trying to get a handle on this BEFORE emotions get the better of people and things are said that -- let's just say -- won't help the situation. The meeting of the adult children is great. A united front is key. See who has what suggestions, who can do what and -- knowing that plans can change -- take it from there.

Good luck and keep us posted...and yes...plan your move!
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