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Old 03-21-2015, 06:24 PM
 
2,429 posts, read 3,227,603 times
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What?
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Old 03-21-2015, 07:45 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,018 posts, read 17,754,097 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss Hepburn View Post
Well,....ah...yeah...who else is....the neighbors?

I did. Aaaannnd....now it's over.
I don't see the point in posting in riddles. Who else is what? Do you mean the neighbors are going to help people in need? You did what, exactly? You helped a neighbor? You helped your parent(s)? And what is over? Someone passed away? Who passed away? Please help us understand your meaning so we don't have to play guessing games.
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Old 03-21-2015, 08:20 PM
 
Location: Anchored in Phoenix
1,942 posts, read 3,922,913 times
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I'm kind of torn on this issue because I lost my mom to cancer when I was 35 and my dad also to cancer when I was 40. I miss them. I owe my success to them.

It's hypothetical but what if they were still alive but in terrible shape? My mom was a homemaker and my dad a disabled veteran. Their house was paid off. My mom had just about zero benefits when she died. The hospital bill was $70,000 for her tragic one month sudden illness My dad had 24/7 home care up until he passed. He would have benefits - being a disabled veteran.

It's an issue that is common to many people. Also caring for adult children who are unemployed - well my oldest sister does that.

I made a point to design my life so that I would be as little a burden as possible. I buy LTC insurance, have no debt, and my bond income pays for the roof over my head. I set aside a lot of savings that will really keep me going for years. Also set up a deal with TreasuryDirect through my savings institution to feed money back into T-bills. So that a relative on my account can have easy access to my money spread out balanced over a year to take care of the rest of my financial needs in case i'm incapacitated (I'm now starting to move into two year notes).
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Old 03-21-2015, 08:28 PM
mlb
 
Location: North Monterey County
3,194 posts, read 2,861,612 times
Reputation: 4890
But it isn't just about money.

Not everyone has a great relationship with their folks. I am in awe of my spouse who was treated like dirt by his parents, a veritable whipping boy when he was a barber in his dad's shop over 25 years ago.... to turn around and give his parents the benefit of the doubt and help whenever they needed it.



They have/had the money to pay for the best of care. It takes more than that.
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Old 03-21-2015, 09:21 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
17,063 posts, read 17,389,275 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wanderer0101 View Post
This is the scenario; here I sit on the edge of retirement (days to months) and the plan has always been to relocate. However, concerns about care for the aged parents of my wife are starting to impinge on the plans. I freely admit that these people need a certain level of help which is sometimes difficult because they have always been as independent as hogs on ice though they are more than willing to accept anything you give them and the mother-in-law in particular is very adept at throwing the guilt trip if she doesn't think she is getting her due, they just won't do one damn thing anyone tells them. So very rapidly commuting distance to their house so they can be assisted is becoming a governing factor on what we do. I am very concerned about my wife becoming the servant, or at least one of two servants because her sister is doing a commendable job in assisting but rapidly reaching the end of her rope.

My wife is spending a couple weeks at a stretch with them now with increasing frequency. The Mother-in-Laws stated position is that she sees no reason to use home help (she runs off everyone we've tried) when her two daughters can come and live in and take care of anything than they need. Their son lives across the country and shows up occasionally but is typically not a whole lot of help. I have been probably too ready to help them financially in the past when they were in a bind. Being support to the in-law parents has certainly not been my retirement vision. My marriage is decades old and a good one, never expected or received a whole lot from my wife's parents and I am entirely happy with that. To be honest, I'm really, really tempted to relocate far enough away from that commuting to help is a real pain in the backside and then become as obstructive as possible. I really hate the automatic assumption that we're going to do this just because that's what they want. Hope someone has a silver bullet solution but I realize there isn't one, this is more a rant than anything.
OMG, so many red flags.

If your wife is already spending weeks at a time caring for her parents and her sister does the same thing her parents probably already need more help that your family can really "afford to give". Are you ready happy being away from your spouse for weeks at a time? Is she really happy to be away from you for that long, too? And what happens when her parents get worse, soon it may mean months or years apart from your spouse (unless her parents realize that their daughters are not their forever "slaves".

And what will happen if one of you start to need help yourselves? I know several recently retired people, in their late 50s/early 60s who suddenly need to care for their disabled spouse.
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Old 03-21-2015, 11:18 PM
 
Location: South-Western USA , desert
493 posts, read 374,273 times
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Exodus 20:12
Honor your father and your mother,
so that you may live a long time in the land that Jehovah your God is giving you.”

Deuteronomy 5:16
“‘Honor your father and your mother, just as Jehovah your God has commanded you, so that you may live a long time and you may prosper in the land that Jehovah your God is giving you.”

Ephesians 6:2
Honor your father and your mother” is the first command with a promise:


Nowhere does Scripture say that one must personally wait on their parents 'hand and foot.'

It is fine to have paid people taking care of their needs, but a responsible child will regularly check --unannounced-- to make sure that they actually are receiving good care.

Have you considered having them evaluated by Adult Protective Services, just so you know what their options are? They provide info about how a person can receive the care they need, from a financial perspective . . . and, how to go about getting it set up, I think.
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Old 03-22-2015, 07:17 AM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,991,724 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tominftl View Post
I guess some people have no problem using their adult children as caregivers. A friend of mine did that for his mother and even moved her into his extra bedroom. The mother took total advantage. It almost cost him his marriage because his mother by that time was bedridden. No one else in the family even offered to buy her diapers or watch her for the day so they could have a day alone.
I remembered what happened to him and put my mother in assisted living. Caregiving isn't for everyone.
Well, that's a fine solution if you or the parent can afford it. That is not the vast norm for most elders these days, the price has skyrocketed. It's a terrible problem when you know that your elder mom or dad would fight tooth and nail against it and be utterly miserable, OR there is not enough money to support that option. In which case the elder continues to live on her own or someone takes her in.
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Old 03-22-2015, 07:28 AM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,991,724 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Escort Rider View Post
Sure, at first glance moving away just so you can't help seems cruel, selfish, and heartless on the part of the adult children who flee. However, if we have read some of the stories in this thread, we must acknowledge that some old people are demanding, selfish, narcissistic, and so focused on themselves that they completely lose sight of the burdens they are placing on their own children who have jobs, lives, and perhaps children of their own. That selfishness becomes all the more intolerable when it is coupled with a pig-headed refusal of all suggestions which will makes things easier for everybody. No, it's got to be THEIR way (the way the old folks want it), no matter how impractical and unrealistic that may be. And oh, did I mention the laying on of guilt?

Well, I am sympathetic to the adult children who finally say to their parents, "All right you want it your way and you refuse to listen or compromise, so have it your way! I'm outta here!" Let the old folks cope if they can, and if they can't, let them reap the fruits of what they themselves have sown.

If it becomes too painful to watch the misery from afar (or from close up for that matter), then maybe it's time to take off the kid gloves and petition a court for guardianship. I don't get how irrational selfish people are allowed to call the shots.
I couldn't have said it better.

Ironically, the week that I was about to consult a lawyer about guardianship, she died all of a sudden in her own home across the street from my sister. She just dropped. And it was a blessing for her, who never wanted anyone to touch her, and a blessing for her family, who was throwing up their hands in exasperation. We would not have abandoned her, though I can certainly understand those who would put a lot of distance into the equation.
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Old 03-22-2015, 07:54 AM
 
5,397 posts, read 6,544,082 times
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OP, I think there is an obligation to care for parents when you are retired or not but the level of that care is up to you to decide and should be what you consider rational. And it can be done many many ways.
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Old 03-22-2015, 07:56 AM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 31,506,246 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Escort Rider View Post
Sure, at first glance moving away just so you can't help seems cruel, selfish, and heartless on the part of the adult children who flee. However, if we have read some of the stories in this thread, we must acknowledge that some old people are demanding, selfish, narcissistic, and so focused on themselves that they completely lose sight of the burdens they are placing on their own children who have jobs, lives, and perhaps children of their own. That selfishness becomes all the more intolerable when it is coupled with a pig-headed refusal of all suggestions which will makes things easier for everybody. No, it's got to be THEIR way (the way the old folks want it), no matter how impractical and unrealistic that may be. And oh, did I mention the laying on of guilt?

Well, I am sympathetic to the adult children who finally say to their parents, "All right you want it your way and you refuse to listen or compromise, so have it your way! I'm outta here!" Let the old folks cope if they can, and if they can't, let them reap the fruits of what they themselves have sown.

If it becomes too painful to watch the misery from afar (or from close up for that matter), then maybe it's time to take off the kid gloves and petition a court for guardianship. I don't get how irrational selfish people are allowed to call the shots.
When it's an independence issue I can understand it to some degree. When it's just plain stubbornness it places an awful burden on the children and I find that unconscionable. That would be time to move on .
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