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Old 03-23-2015, 07:39 AM
 
Location: middle tennessee
1,926 posts, read 991,367 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by convextech View Post
The only way a child is responsible for any debt incurred by their parents is if that child signed on for the debt as a co-signer.
Depends on where you live and type of debt. I think more states with filial statutes will go after children of indigent (you outlived your money) parents as state funded medicaid programs go broke(r)
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Old 03-23-2015, 07:53 AM
 
Location: Earth, a nice neighborhood in the Milky Way
2,542 posts, read 1,608,163 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cat1116 View Post
And yet, who took care of us in our childhood?
That's a rather glib rhetorical question.
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Old 03-23-2015, 07:53 AM
 
Location: Loudon, TN
5,790 posts, read 4,843,885 times
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FYI to all of you with parents who served in WW2. WW2 vets and their widows may be entitled to a benefit called Veteran's Aid and Attendance if they are in need of an ALF or Nursing home care. We just got this benefit approved for my MIL who we placed in AL after she fell and cracked her vertabrae. She has early to mid-stage dementia and needed help to manage her meds, couldn't drive, or handle her finances. She also no longer cooks. The program requires a doctor's assistance in filling out application forms, and a trip to your local Veteran's Affairs office is a good place to start. This has helped MIL pay for her ALF, because the monthly cost exceeded her income (pension and SS). She is now receiving about $1100 more per month which covers the excess cost so that we don't have to cover the extra.

It is important that parents understand that there is more than just "nursing homes". ILF and ALF can be really quite nice places to live and they offer so much more socialization than just sitting home alone. If it is possible to take a parent to a nice ILF in your area, it may influence them to see that what they fear (horrible, evil nurses, urine smells, two to a room, hospital-like conditions) are not the way it is in reality. Some ILF's are like elegant apartments in a social setting with age appropriate activities and restaurant quality food, housekeeping, buses to take you to your appointments and weekly shopping, in-house beauty salons, weekly movie nights, even Friday happy hours, etc.
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Old 03-23-2015, 10:30 AM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,485 posts, read 43,795,280 times
Reputation: 47259
Before someone is declared incompetent is the time to cancel POA's rewrite wills, etc. It is also the time to have a family sit down to discuss what will and will not happen. Siblings and spouses should be honest about what they can and cannot do financially and will and will not do emotionally. Of course time and illness change these things but a good frame work is necessary to find out where everybody is.

Then sit the old folks down and tell them that everybody involved wants what is best and that might not look like the same to everyone involved.

I can tell you what is not right...for one sibling to walk away from the situation expecting the other-and usually closer and female sibling- to handle it alone. That is what makes for huge family estrangements. Then the least involved sibling likes to offer advice and prognostications from afar along with criticisms.
If there is money involved it gets even worse.

I've seen my own grandparents, parents, in-laws and relatives and friends handle situations in all sorts of ways. We can't dump old folks away and forget about them yet old folks-and I'm rapidly becoming one- can't expect their kids to upset their lives to accommodate older folks who refuse to budge.
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Old 03-23-2015, 10:45 AM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 31,497,588 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ormari View Post
That's a rather glib rhetorical question.
It may be "glib" to you but it's a reality for many. My father, a retired Marine Corps officer, WW II and Korean war veteran, was a harsh individual and father to have to put up with during my childhood and beyond. Regardless, after my mother died from pancreatic cancer and he was beginning to fail I tried my hardest to

My father, not having had a present father in his life, didn't know any better and he did have his good and admirable points. But above all, he was my father. I was his son. That's what mattered.
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Old 03-23-2015, 10:56 AM
 
Location: Over yonder a piece
3,911 posts, read 4,653,076 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TheShadow View Post
It is important that parents understand that there is more than just "nursing homes". ILF and ALF can be really quite nice places to live and they offer so much more socialization than just sitting home alone. If it is possible to take a parent to a nice ILF in your area, it may influence them to see that what they fear (horrible, evil nurses, urine smells, two to a room, hospital-like conditions) are not the way it is in reality. Some ILF's are like elegant apartments in a social setting with age appropriate activities and restaurant quality food, housekeeping, buses to take you to your appointments and weekly shopping, in-house beauty salons, weekly movie nights, even Friday happy hours, etc.
My grandmother lived in an ILF a few minutes from my house and it was fantastic! She had a one bedroom apartment with a kitchen and there were activities going on all day and night for the residents. They had off-site transportation and field trips, but also brought in physicians and therapists for those who couldn't get to a doctor's office. There was an on-site restaurant (residents paid for a monthly meal plan that was very reasonable) and hair salon, and on Sunday mornings they had an ecumenical church service for anyone that wanted to come.

My grandmother, who was EXTREMELY independently-minded to her last day, enjoyed living there.
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Old 03-23-2015, 11:56 AM
 
511 posts, read 385,026 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cat1116 View Post
And yet, who took care of us in our childhood?
The ones who were responsible and chose to bring us into this life.

The children we choose to create, yes, by law we must care for them. We all need to take responsibility for our own decisions, such as pregnancy and it's consequences.. instead of using our obligation to raise our children as something that is a "payback" or "owed" later in life. This mentality is borderline abusive. You bring kids into the world, you pay for them. You care for them. They do not owe you for fulfilling your responsibility being a law abiding citizen.

Is it something that should occur, us taking care of our parents? Of course under the usual circumstances. BUT most parents don't have this mentality which is abusive / borderline abusive. I mean prior to getting old (not the result of their mind deteriorating). By that time, and after years of guilt trips, well it's likely these parents did a poor job fulfilling their own duties as parents yet want "payback" for a debt that was never incurred.

That mentality shows whether they were a good parent or not. Let these parents experience a NEED so they can appreciate that need being met, if they are able to. Otherwise life is often hell with these types of people. And depending upon the level of abuse before and after adulthood, that usually coincides with the level of wanting to help them. Mental or physical. I am afraid of my Mother, I'd never consider taking care of her even in her elderly years. No way

Last edited by MrsApt; 03-23-2015 at 12:17 PM..
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Old 03-23-2015, 02:33 PM
 
28 posts, read 34,381 times
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In some cultures, the grown-up children will care for their old parents, just like they were cared for when they were little. The parents in those cultures love their children unconditionally and care for them lovingly without expecting payback, and in turn, the children will love and willingly care for them when they are old. Children are the parents' responsibility until they are married. There's no pressure for them to leave the house by the time they are 18. Retirement home is not even an option.

I myself strongly believe in the old adage, we reap what we sow. If we as parents love our children unconditionally, they will do the same thing to us. Also, children live by example. They see the way we treat our parents and they will treat us the same way.
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Old 03-23-2015, 02:46 PM
 
1,316 posts, read 1,736,635 times
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I lost both of my parents and a younger brother to chronic disease when I was in my mid 30s. When I read about these situations, I can see the blessing in their early departure even though it was pretty awful at the time. DH is now facing the slow demise of his parents who like others have mentioned, refuse to consider anything but staying in their own home. They don't eat well and shouldn't be driving at all. Currently, his sister drives 50 miles once or twice a week to check on them, bringing a week's worth of meals or going to the doctor with them. And she has a full-time job. We are 75 miles away so right now, DH's sister is doing more than her share since she is closer. I keep recommending to DH that he and his siblings need to have a discussion among themselves and then when ready, with his parents, so that everyone knows what options exist. Like the parents though, the kids are stubborn and don't want to discuss anything. It really amazes me how many elders don't make contingent plans as they age but leave it up to others to figure out.
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Old 03-23-2015, 03:06 PM
 
71,697 posts, read 71,801,099 times
Reputation: 49262
we know so many families destroyed by bad longer term care planning including my own.


it never fails , one sibbling will always step up to the plate while the others back away .

that sibbling usually develops anger at the others for not helping.

if the sibbling who does help has a spouse , once that spouse starts complaining about the others not helping and giving you grief for helping things go bad very quickly.

parents have to realize that not only are children not always able to help but their own jobs and careers can suffer as well. they can be injured as well as anyone who tried to lift 200lbs of limp flesh without their own support can tell you.
after dealing with my father in a home and grandfather for years and a divorce that grew out of anger from me being the sibbling to help marilyn and i got a long term care policy.

we do not expect our kids to have to try to care for us and we are making very sure we don't ruin their lives because of it.
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