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I'm not retired, but I figure many people in this part of the forum are in my age group, and many probably have adult-aged kids who have brought new family members into your lives. So I hope someone has input/advice, or even personal experience.
If your adult-aged sons/daughters have brought you in-laws (their significant others- spouses, etc.) how do those people address you, does it matter to you, and do you have any influence on the topic?
From where I stand:
1. I've always been buggy about what is and isn't appropriate- for people my kids' ages to address me by my first name is out of line;
2. Worse yet, if you have an in-law you really like, care about as a member of your family, it's heartbreaking if they dismiss that relationship and call you "Mary" or "Joe."
It's extreme enough that I sometimes avoid communications because I don't know how to sign emails, cards, etc. I simply don't know how to address the topic without sounding weird.
There's also the additional factor of not wanting to be disrespectful to an in-law's own parents.
Any constructive solutions would be greatly appreciated!!!
I address my MIL with "Mom," because that's generally what my generation did from the beginning of becoming a new wife. It always felt uncomfortable. After I got old, I don't see her much (she is on the opposite coast), so I've tried to avoid having to address her with "Mom"; I just start talking.
My DIL calls me by my first name. The grandkids call me "nana," which is fine. When I email DIL, I sign it with my first name-hyphen-nana. That feels weird too.
Our culture does not have an enduring style of addressing in-laws, unfortunately.
Newenglandgirl, I have similar feelings. My DIL started out calling me Mom, but it was never that comfortable for either of us although we are quite fond of each other. She has a wonderful Mom of her own and doesn't need another and my son doesn't either. Neither will ever be as close to their MILs as they are to their real Moms, which is fine. I myself never have never had a MIL so I'm just winging the whole thing anyway!
Well -- I don't have kids but I remember being the one trying to find something to call my in laws. Wonderful people. Not being sarcastic. She started calling me Brunhilda. She called the other son's girlfriend by her right name. Soon found out -- she didn't like the girlfriend.
I decided early on that I'd do what we did in our neighborhood. All parents in my circle of friends were Mom and Dad. All parents answered to it.
So they were Mom and Pop. This ticked off my sister, as our father died early, and she felt NO ONE ELSE should be called by the honorific of father in any form except our father.
I flat out said -- No. He was Daddy. He will always be Daddy, and I will only have one Daddy. And I called my mother Ma.
This seems to be a very sensitive topic to you, OP. If I felt as strongly about it as you do, I'd figure out what I want these people to call me, and I'd politely ask them to honor my request.
If you can't think of any name or title by which you'd like to be called, maybe you could have a conversation with the people involved and see if they have a suggestion.
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