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Old 03-21-2015, 01:45 PM
3,142 posts, read 1,729,240 times
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can you teach a old dog new tricks?
seriously, it is hard. the "conversation" has to take place several times. it leaves the one that needs the change to take place feeling like the B and becoming the controlling person as well.
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Old 03-21-2015, 02:09 PM
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Originally Posted by WorldKlas View Post
My DH has a very strong personality. I am more easy going. So, I usually let him get his way beause most things that really matter to him I have pretty neutral feelings. Thing is, he pretty much has strong feelings about everything. I mean everything from what restaurant, how/when to do laundry, even when to take the trash to the trash bin. I am exagerating a bit. He just retired in September and until now I have been on my own during his work hours. Also since his retirement, we have bought and sold residences, and vehicles, and planned & gone on trips ..... all with his empathic feelings and me going along on some of the choices but not keenly. We agree on most things, this is not a pre-divorce thing, LOL.

Yesterday morning I was phoning the hair salon trying to make an appt. and I didn't like any of the openings they had available. I hung up the phone and said I'd phone them back. DH recommended a specific time. I didn't make an appt. As the time approached that he had thought was a good time, he reminded me about the appt. I barked at him that I didn't make the appt. Thinking about it, I realize I have been very abrupt with him a lot lately and reject his affection, too. Sooo......is this just an adjustment to him being around all the time? Have others found they have more tension after retirement?

My wife just retired and I retired in 2013. Our biggest problem is that we have one vehicle so we have to coordinate our schedules so that we can get everywhere we need to be. Each one of us is active so we are NOT spending a lot of time at home together with nothing to do.

I do all the cooking as my wife considers it a chore and I prefer my own cooking. That has not changed in retirement. I also do laundry as I seldom sleep and prefer to do it late at night

I believe that it is just a matter of getting used to changes in life and sometimes, a bit too much togetherness.
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Old 03-21-2015, 02:10 PM
Location: Garbage, NC
3,124 posts, read 2,051,599 times
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Frankly, I think you have been "letting things slide" when they really bothered you more than you want to admit. It didn't seem like such a big deal when you only had to deal with it a few hours in the evenings, but now that it's an all-day thing, these "little things" are becoming much more frustrating for you. I'm the easygoing one in my marriage as well, and it can be tough. Sometimes these things don't seem like they're worth arguing about, but they are going to pile up and really get on your nerves. I would suggest starting to say something back to him when it happens -- not in an argumentative way, just in a matter-of-fact type of way. Then, it won't all pile up.
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Old 03-21-2015, 02:18 PM
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Downsizing means downsizing living space. Perhaps more space in retirement might be in order for some.
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Old 03-21-2015, 02:39 PM
Location: in the miseries
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Too much togetherness can be upsetting.

My BH has an opinion about everything.

And I'm never right
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Old 03-21-2015, 03:04 PM
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,985,208 times
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It appears that it's not the togetherness that's bothering the OP, it's the behavior that's being magnified because of the togetherness. People can be physically together and still manage to give each other a lot of psychological space (= respect). We keep relearning to do that at every step of the way.

It's never too late to get couples/communications counseling. Doesn't mean anyone is mentally ill, just that an outside listener can allow folks to hear themselves and their partner in a more objective way. But first one has to feel they can commit to that kind of experience.
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Old 03-21-2015, 03:07 PM
Location: Central IL
15,251 posts, read 8,543,297 times
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Originally Posted by brava4 View Post
How long have you been married? He is who he is and no doubt will be even moreso when around all the time. So, essentially he isn't any different than before retirement?

I highly doubt he will change so that leaves you to do the changing in how you approach things with him.
The other posters suggestions sound like good ideas.
I only agree to this minimally. HIS situation changed because he retired and now HE has to adjust to his new world. Up until now it sounds like she has been going along, a bit more than she'd like. OP, please speak up and hold your ground when something truly is more important to you or more strongly affects you. He'll have to let go of some of the control.
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Old 03-21-2015, 03:07 PM
Location: Columbia SC
8,984 posts, read 7,753,935 times
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My wife and I both had careers. So we were not always in each others face. Even while we both played golf at the same club, she played with her friends and I played with mine so even then we were not in each others face. We also fell into a routine of chores. She did the laundry, I cooked, etc. We learned not to criticize each others way of doing something.

She used to take a mental health day when I traveled which meant she stayed home, slept late, ate what and when she wanted to. When I stopped traveling we agreed that when she declared a mental health day, I had to leave the house early and not return to after dinner. The day was hers. Worked for me.

Now that we are retired, neither one of us wants the other in their face 24/7. I play golf 3-4 times a week. Up and out at 8AM. Drinks and lunch after golf. Home at about 3PM, nap until 5PM. Even when I do not play golf, I usually go out for breakfast/lunch then wander about and return home about 3PM.

My advice is people need their own space. If in each others face 24/7, it will not be long before you are at each others throat. Give each other some space. One or both need to find something to do outside of the home o get away from the other.

Now watch the my spouse is my best friend and we like being with each other 2/7 replies.....LOL
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Old 03-21-2015, 03:58 PM
685 posts, read 565,025 times
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Originally Posted by Southern man View Post
Speaking from my own experience as a retired male, you need to assign him some responsibility around the house. You take care of yours and he takes care of his. Some compromise is going to be necessary, that's life.
I agree and it's interesting how the dynamics change when you have two retired partners (women) going through retirement . It's different.
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Old 03-21-2015, 05:26 PM
Location: Florida -
8,767 posts, read 10,851,233 times
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As I read some of these threads about wives having difficulty with retired husbands, I can't help but, think, 'Why does it always seems to be the man who needs to change?' -- Perhaps the men just don't write on forums about nit-picking, critical wives (just an example, nothing specific).

Somehow this reminded me of an article that talked about husbands always leaving the toilet seat up.
Instead of the traditional "how inconsiderate of him" response, it was suggested, "men usually need the seat up and women need it down --- why is it any more difficult for the woman to leave the seat up for the man, than it is for the man to leave it down for the woman .... put on your big girl pants and work with the problem, instead of always expecting your needs to be accommodated first."

I darn well leave the seat up and do whatever I want!!...

.... whenever my wife is off visiting her sister.
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